Kicking my own ass

I'm kicking myself for being pulled back into the relationship. It's not horrible and we are not fighting or anything, but I think I'm over it. I find myself liking the friend part of the relationship, but don't want to cuddle, or really to steam things up.

I have tried going thru the motions and you know... things physically work. But do I feel the spark anymore? No. I have really realized it this time but what do I do? I'm afraid to make any move for a couple of reasons. I don't want to hurt such a great guy and I'm afraid I will regret it.

But I have to remind myself that I made a huge change in my life when I came out to my wife. I did it under the belief that life is too short to be unhappy and not take chances... but here I am again.

I know it's almost Chirstmas and I'm not going to ruin it for him, but I have to really do some soul searching. I need to really make myself realize that I deserve to be completely happy and not just content, just for the sake of someone else. And I know he feels my lack of desire to be in it, but he's too afraid to open that box.

Please... if any of you readers have any advice... good or bad... please share it my way.

Since the breakup

Time to update I guess.

I did break up with Him and did pretty well sticking to my guns. I continued to be his friend and when there were times he wanted to have me sleep over I kept my distance. He went through the highs and lows; the sadness and anger.

I told him that I still loved him but we were in too much an unhealthy place to be together. That of course those dreams of the future I had had too but they didn’t seem realistic when there was no trust in a relationship; that I certainly couldn’t live that way and he shouldn’t want to either.

We had periods of time where we didn’t speak. Times when he fled the city to be distracted by new things, and times when he fled for the comfort of home. All things I respect, but I think he should have taken more time to be completely cut off. To not keep such close contact so he could really heal, but I feared telling him that would make him think that I didn’t want to hear from him again. Just to really clear his head, and maybe take a third-person look at where we were.

Fast forward to over a month later and we have a long talk about things. And much to my own disappointment I agree that we can start and rebuild. I tell him things are not going to be the same and we are not jumping right back in, but will start fresh to some extent. And I say disappointment because I wanted time to really be single and see if that time alone would allow me real time to heal myself from the life I want back.

I don’t know that I should have agreed with his pleading. And we haven’t really made any huge moves yet, other than hanging out with friends and maybe one quick hot experience in the bedroom. I think maybe the holidays were playing some role and his sadness during the season. I wish I was stronger but I don’t want to be a cold-hearted prick either. I don’t want to completely push someone away that might be the best thing for me. Cause I did that with my wife.

This past weekend I went to a Christmas party hosted by a gay couple that I met over the year. He wanted to go with me, but I said that I had RSVP’d that I was coming alone and it was too short notice to tell them different. I wanted to go alone. I wanted to be seen as just me and not part of a couple. I wanted to make my own friends and not be tied to that one person in the corner because I didn’t want to make them insecure. I had a blast. I drank way too much, and flirted and made some new friends and was just “one of the guys”. It was exactly what I needed. Did it make Him happy? No. But it gave me a glimpse of a life I think is just around the corner; one where I am independent and single and okay with it.

We’ll see what time brings. I am not having any expectations. I’m not fully putting my life and future in his hands. I made that mistake before and it’s not who I truly would be happy being.