Sleeping Single in a Double Bed

Since becoming single I have been able to catch up on sleep. I now am in bed for at least eight hours a night, during the week anyway. The problem I seem to be facing now is that I wake up a few times through the night and the feeling of being alone has hit me harder than ever.

I guess this is probably the thing I would have gone through, had I truly been alone when my wife and I separated. But here I am facing it on a daily basis. The reminder that I am getting divorced. The reminder that my family is broken and I am the cause. That the damage that has been done is irreversible. I think I wake up through the night thinking that it’s a bad dream that I no longer have my wife as my partner and best friend. Then I open my eyes hoping to see our master bedroom and instead I am faced with the four walls I looked at while going to university and living in my parents home.

I know there are readers out there who are going to say… dude, you just haven’t fully accepted it yet… or… you should have thought about that before you told your wife… or… you made your bed, now lie in it.

And while I was driving last night, I tried to really think about whether I would go back to my old life if my wife asked me to, right now. My thoughts went to how comfortable it was having a family. That comfort level of feeling like you followed the path everyone expects you to follow… university, career, marriage, kids… and having the security of a wife that supported me, and knew what buttons to not push and showed me a lot of love. Then I think about how rough our last couple of years were. Maybe it’s just an ideal part of that life I hold in my mind, because surely it was better than being alone.

Then I think about the things I would be giving up. I would have to shut off a whole part of my life again. I would have to pretend to feel fulfilled in the bedroom. I would have to pretend to be straight around other people. And I would have to give up the drinking and dancing with the guys. And all of the great friends I made over the last couple of years. Some truly great friends who make me realize it’s completely okay to be gay. That there was nothing I should have been hiding ever in my life, because it is part of who I am.

So I guess I have come full circle in my thinking; that if I really think about my situation now, and the option (if it was there) to go back and reunite with my wife, that I have to face the fact that my life is forever changed. No matter how much either of us wanted to, there really is no going back. I am not the same person I was two years ago, and she probably isn’t either. And that even though I may live with some regret now, in making the choice to open up to her, it was one that was necessary because I was unfaithful. It is better to end the relationship on the terms we did, than to get caught in a situation that would hurt her even more. And being unfaithful was something I was ashamed of, but it was a craving that became something I couldn’t ignore.

I did the right thing. I just have a bit more healing to do to fully realize and accept it.

When worlds collide

It's a strange thing when you transition from living a double-life to a life as a quasi-openly gay man. I say quasi because most people know or have heard through the grapevine, but it's not something I tell people upon meeting them.


Anyway... like I said, it's a strange thing when you transition from having this part of your life be in your private thoughts and private experiences into being part of your regular life. It hit me in the face a few months ago, when I was hanging out with J. We were having supper after having hit the gym together and we had been playing a bit of a game where we had to share sexual experiences we had had in the past.


The game was titillating and allowed me to realize that the sexual world was wide open for me to experience. So it was J's turn to tell a story and he shares how he once had an experience with two guys he was friends with. They were dating and had a relationship where they welcomed select guys into bed with them to spice things up.


As he's telling the story a smile escapes and he stares right at me. I think initially he thought I was judging him in some way, but instead I ask if one of the guys has a tattoo. I describe the tattoo and the placement and this time he stares at me in silence. Then he's on his iPhone pulling up pics on facebook. Asking me if this was the guy I spoke of... and indeed it was.


Turns out I had met the same couple just last fall and had a similar experience with them. It was late at night. I was living alone. And I was on http://www.gay.com/ looking to see what kind of guys were around on a Saturday night.

Now, before you assume that the guys are maybe a couple of old trolls and I was in a moment of desperation, let me assure you that the guys are both in their twenties, good looking with careers to be proud of. They just happen to add a little new energy to their relationship from time to time, when someone of their taste is available.


So flash forward a few months after that conversation and BAM, I run into J out with the guys, and some other friends and suddenly my two worlds have collided. And now we are on first name basis and the option is there to join them again. Wow... head rush!

Once a cheater?

So, not sure if I mentioned it before, or whether it even needs to be mentioned, but I cheated on my wife while we were married. I was very fortunate to have never gotten caught, but it was still wrong. Not something I am proud of, but it helped me discover who I am, so it was a necessary step in the process.

As a man developing a new relationship, I find myself wondering if what all the audience members on shows like Ricki Lake and Maury Povich say is true... once a cheater, always a cheater. Am I destined to cheat on my future partner? Is he destined to cheat on me, if he's cheated before? And are all gay men more permiscious?

And then really, I think about whether the males (or females, even) of the human species are programmed for monogomy. Aren't we supposed to spread our seed to as many fertile specimens as possible? Is cheating, really just following what our genes are telling us to do?

I know that I don't want to be a cheater. I don't want to ruin future relationships. I want to be open and honest and no go back to the double life I lived in my head so long.

I even think of cheating scenarios when I masterbate, or fantasize in general. It's never me cheating, but Him. I think about him in sexual acts with friends, hot guys I see, or even his ex. Is that normal? Does it just affirm my attraction to Him?

That's what I ask you, brilliant internet... once a cheater, always a cheater?? If someone's completely honest?

Want to runaway

So I'm having one of those days where I want to runaway... escape reality by packing up my shit and heading somewhere new.

I have had a lot of these days over the past year. Most were during the period where I had to fight with my ex or the in-laws to see my son, on the regular schedule we had been using since she moved out. It was a time where I felt so defeated, and if I wasn't going to win anyway, then why stay and fight. But I stayed and I won.

Right now my dis-content cannot be as directly linked to one specific thing. Sure I'd love to have my son in my house everyday, and I could check on him as he slept everynight... but I've kind of accepted that isn't reality. I think it's stemming from my career path. I'm not feeling fulfilled in my career, but the money is good, and the position has stability that I need. And maybe it's that I'm not feeling the most secure in the quasi-relationship that I'm in.

Last night, I was hanging out with a new friend and the one I'm in the quasi-relationship calls while I'm out and slips out that he's going to hang out with his ex-bf. I know that they've broken up, and I trust that he just wants to be friends... but I'm worried. There was a slip during the initial part of their break up and when I'm starting to hang out with a new friend I'm concerned it's could be a kind of payback out of worry. And I know the ex-bf still wants the one I'm with.

And to compound the problem... our relationship is underwraps at this point, to save other people's feelings, until we feel it's a reasonable amount of time after breakups for us to be dating.

Sorry for the rant, but other than my therapist no one knows the full story. I need to get it out... and hope that somewhere in Internetland...someone is understanding where I am and letting me know that this too will pass.

I want to be in a happy healthy relationship and have a career I am content with... when will that day come??

Did I trick her into marrying me?

So when I broke the news to my wife that I was gay she wondered how long I knew. Why had I entered into a marriage when I was gay? I thought about that question a lot. Had I known I was gay when I got married? Had I known when I proposed? Had I known when we moved in together?

Honestly, I don't think I did know. Some people I have come out to say they always knew and were just waiting for me to admit it. Are there blatant signs I should have noticed and known without a doubt?

What about the times when I would catch myself watching other boys or men where ever I was and beating myself up about it. For some reason thinking it was wrong to watch males and not females. Should I have known then?

Or what about being bullied throughout grade school with people calling me names, asking me if I was a girl. Should I have known then? And then I got to adolescense. And I dated girls. Got turned on by them. I masterbated just like every other guy my age. I would sneak into my Dad's porn collection and find all of it arousing. Whether it be guy/girl or girl/girl. It was all a turn on. Then I remember how my fantasies during masterbation would change and I'd be more focused on what guy was fucking the girl, or what his cock looked like, or his body. I didn't want to be gay but something in my head was making me pay attention to males more than females. I would swear to myself that I would only masterbate if I thought about the girl and not the guy. I would pray to God that I could be "normal" and only want to be with a girl. I guess looking back it should be quite obvious that I would probably end up being a gay man. But I guess society got the better of me and I was ashamed of the reality in my head that didn't match what I thought was going to be accepted.

In answer to the question... NO. I did not know I was a gay man. I did not foresee that I would ever get divorced. I had not entered into the relationship in order to maintain a "straight" image. I entered into the marriage because I loved my wife and marriage was the next logical step.

I think the confusing part for anyone out there questioning their sexuality is that you don't realize fully that what you feel isn't quite "normal" according to society. I'm not saying North America hasn't come a long way, but I think most would agree that we still live in a predominantly "straight" society.

My hope is that within this next generation, they will grow to feel normal no matter what their sexual orientation. Prop 8 in California definitely held back progress to a certain degree... but I'll talk about that some other day.

In closing, I'd like to share the fact that I am going through all of this struggle to come out and be honest with myself and others in part to help reach that level of acceptance for the future generations. I hope I am a pioneer of sorts and that my son will grow up with a Gay Dad and that will become normal in our society. It will never be something that his friends whisper about behind his back. If we're not ashamed of it, I hope it takes the fire out of the negativity he may receive.

Living a Double Life

Now I'm a fan of those new magazine shows... the Dateline NBC, 20/20, 48 Hours Mystery, Cold Case Files... and occasionally there will be a show where someone has disappeared only to later be found living in another city under a new identity. Sometimes they claim they have amnesia, or try and convince they are not that same person but have always been someone else. But there are some of those people who have "disappeared" so as to leave their old life behind. Maybe they were extorting money, maybe they had wives in two different parts of the country, whatever reason the cause is usually they were living a double life and were trying to end the confusion in their head, if nothing else.

I have discussed this topic with friends and family when such shows are on, and no one seems to be able to comprehend what it would be like to live two lives, or how you would get yourself into that situation. Well I understand and can sympathize with the individuals on these prime time shows. Because for the 12 years of my adult life I was, to some degree, living such a double life. I was outwardly trying to live as a "straight man" and on the inside would indulge myself to the idea that part of me was bisexual if not gay. When I got to the age of experimentation with my sexuality I began to also outwardly live a double life. I lived the "straight" boy-next-door type when around my family and friends and lived the inexperienced young man, willing to try a few safe sexual activities and have a good time. And I was able to compartimentalize the two lives and a lot like Beyonce and her Sasha Fierce... I had what I considered two personalities or seperate beings. The straight me and the gay (or what I thought at the time bisexual me) me. Each had a different name, different email addresses, and different experiences. It was tough to make sure I never accidentially used the opposite name or email address and it was just as hard to make up the lies I would have to tell family or friends as to my whereabouts when I was out exploring my sexuality.

Now that I've started coming out to my family and friends I no longer have to live that double life. That is probably the biggest weight off my shoulders. I don't have to maintain so many lies or two personalities. I am one whole person. I might only ever admit that double life to my closest friends and future partner but let me tell you I understand those men and women who disappear and are featured on those news magazine shows. There have been many more days, than not, since coming out that I think about how it would have been mentally easier to leave and start a new life in a new city. I wouldn't have to meld the two lives into one. I wouldn't have to have judgemental people wonder about my potential double life existance and what that mean to my relationship with them.

I feel that living my double life was never a choice but a necessity. I had to go through all of those experiences on each end of the sexual spectrum in order to figure out who I am and gain the experience to make a clear distinction on who I really am. I am a gay man living one life. It hasn't been, and probably won't be easy for a while, but the double life is gone.