I'm back Bitches!

Hello Internet Friends

I'm sure no one even checks this blog by now because I've been missing in action, but I figured what the heck, I'm gonna start writing again.

So I just paused this entry to see when the last time I wrote was, and where I was in my life... wow I have some catching up to do...

So when Him came home I met him at the airport. I had gone the rest of the week missing him, mainly because I was reminiscing about our relationship and realizing that it was completely over. I picked Him up at the airport and took him home. I looked around his apartment realizing that it was one of the last times I'd surely be there. I also let those feelings get away from me and I was aggressively sexual. It was hot and passionate and I didn't really care what he wanted, I took what I wanted. It was very explosive for both of us.

The next few days were filled with work and me going back and forth on how and when I would finally confront Him. And then Thursday, while I was at work, I called him and his tone was different. I realized immediately what would cause this to happen. Him being too busy to talk at work and be short with me meant he was upset and had nothing at all to do with being busy. But I played along because work was not the time or place.

That evening we had it out. He attacked me for hooking up with his ex's new boyfriend and I laid into him about the fact that he played me for a fool for the last year and a half and how nothing he said or did mattered to me. That I was done. There were a lot of things thrown at me and I just wasn't hearing it. And in reality I had closed that door emotionally months before (November I think). And when he realized those things were not hurting me he switched gears and attempted to reconcile through begging me to stay. Give him another change. He would do anything I wanted. Give me anything I wanted. That he loved me unlike anyone he had ever met. And I believe that. I think he loved me but I don't think he knows how to be in a healthy relationship (something that ended long before).

Part of me wondered if I was strong enough to finally stand up for myself and be single. Could I really be alone? Sleep alone every night? Give up my best friend? But then I thought about how hurt I was when I found out he sexually cheated on me and the promises he made. I thought about all the pain I had gone through in my separation to try and be completely happy and this is not something I went through it all for. And really, I must remember that my son needs to see healthy relationships and this wasn't one.

There's a quick recap of the end. The summer proved to have more drama with Him. I also had some great sexual experiences and this week a couple of my friends asked me to have a threesome in the near future. If there is interest I will expand on summer 2010.

Reinforcement

Him is away. He is on vacation with a group of friends in the Mayan Riveria. This part doesn't bother me in the least. In fact, I was invited but for budgetary restrictions I have opted not to go. I'm actually impressed with myself for not saying... Fuck it, I deserve a vacation. Cause I wanted to get away this year, but I know how important it is for me to get my debt back down, so I sucked it up and stayed here at home.

Anyway... a strange thing happened this week, which aligned a number of stars or planets or whatever to make sure destiny interveined. And the intervention happened when I went on squirt.org. A site I have been on and off of over the years. Wednesday evening, I was on with half an intention to have some lite fun.

I came across a profile that piqued my interest. I emailed the guy seeing if he was also looking to have some (less than) innocent fun. And he came back with an affirmative. The guy ended up being a good looking guy in good shape and asked me to meet him for coffee. I agreed and headed out. I got to the coffee shop and didn't see anyone that looked like the picture that he emailed me, but since we had exchanged cell phone numbers, I decided to stick around. I ordered a drink and stood outside enjoying a drummer who was playing on the corner and kept an eye on anyone passing who might be looking at me.

A few minutes of waiting and my cell starts vibrating in my pocket. I answer and it's this guy, M. He apologizes for being late and gives me some random excuse but he is on his way. I decide I will head in his direction and start walking a few blocks before I run into him. I am happy to see that he's even more attractive than the pic he emailed.

One of the first things he said is that he has a boyfriend and that he's away. He wanted to be open about the fact. I accept it. I'm not the one cheating AND if anything it probably reduces any risk I am making myself susceptable to. Then a couple of blocks further down the road, he said that he recognizes me and that his boyfriend knows me.

I am flashing back through anyone I may have met in the past that had a boyfriend. Is there anyone in my circle of gay friends that has a boyfriend and I haven't met... and nothing comes to mind. And this guy certainly doesn't seem upset, like he found out his boyfriend had cheated before and some how had involved me in that situation. And then finally he says, wait a second, I have a picture of him on my cell phone. He pulls up the picture and BAM it's the ex of Him.

So, it's at that point where M starts to panick, to some degree, that he shouldn't have met me. That he shouldn't have been online and that he's afraid that I will talk. I ensure him that I will not be talking... this guy doesn't realize that I have been involved with Him. He just knows about Him and it's been causing problems.

I say... Oh, I didn't think that Him and the ex, J, were talking anymore. And M spills that there are continuous phone calls, which have become more secretive over the last few months, because it's an issue in their relationship. That Him bought J a birthday gift in January. That there was a time that he caught J in a lie about talking with Him.

And there it is, slapping me in the face. I have made the right decision to stay apart from Him. Cause even after that last straw that broke the perverbial camel's back, their conversations continue... and it's still a secretive issue. Only now, instead of hiding it from me alone, J is also hiding it on his side. BUT if you have NOTHING to hide, why are you hiding it?

DONE!! It's all been reinforced this week, all in a freak coincidence of meeting M.

Not sure when this knew knowledge will be addressed. Not sure how I will explain learing this information, when I bring it up. The only thing I know for sure is that, this is too much for me to not address at some point.

I'm okay being single. I've been told I'm a catch and based on the majority of gay men in this city, I'm learning to trust that opinion.

Sleeping Single in a Double Bed

Since becoming single I have been able to catch up on sleep. I now am in bed for at least eight hours a night, during the week anyway. The problem I seem to be facing now is that I wake up a few times through the night and the feeling of being alone has hit me harder than ever.

I guess this is probably the thing I would have gone through, had I truly been alone when my wife and I separated. But here I am facing it on a daily basis. The reminder that I am getting divorced. The reminder that my family is broken and I am the cause. That the damage that has been done is irreversible. I think I wake up through the night thinking that it’s a bad dream that I no longer have my wife as my partner and best friend. Then I open my eyes hoping to see our master bedroom and instead I am faced with the four walls I looked at while going to university and living in my parents home.

I know there are readers out there who are going to say… dude, you just haven’t fully accepted it yet… or… you should have thought about that before you told your wife… or… you made your bed, now lie in it.

And while I was driving last night, I tried to really think about whether I would go back to my old life if my wife asked me to, right now. My thoughts went to how comfortable it was having a family. That comfort level of feeling like you followed the path everyone expects you to follow… university, career, marriage, kids… and having the security of a wife that supported me, and knew what buttons to not push and showed me a lot of love. Then I think about how rough our last couple of years were. Maybe it’s just an ideal part of that life I hold in my mind, because surely it was better than being alone.

Then I think about the things I would be giving up. I would have to shut off a whole part of my life again. I would have to pretend to feel fulfilled in the bedroom. I would have to pretend to be straight around other people. And I would have to give up the drinking and dancing with the guys. And all of the great friends I made over the last couple of years. Some truly great friends who make me realize it’s completely okay to be gay. That there was nothing I should have been hiding ever in my life, because it is part of who I am.

So I guess I have come full circle in my thinking; that if I really think about my situation now, and the option (if it was there) to go back and reunite with my wife, that I have to face the fact that my life is forever changed. No matter how much either of us wanted to, there really is no going back. I am not the same person I was two years ago, and she probably isn’t either. And that even though I may live with some regret now, in making the choice to open up to her, it was one that was necessary because I was unfaithful. It is better to end the relationship on the terms we did, than to get caught in a situation that would hurt her even more. And being unfaithful was something I was ashamed of, but it was a craving that became something I couldn’t ignore.

I did the right thing. I just have a bit more healing to do to fully realize and accept it.

I'm stalling

The whole legal process involved in the separation has been swift so say the least. From receiving notice from my ex's lawyer to seek counsel within the first month, to me filing for a custody order, and an order to deal with financial issues... it's been a quick year dealing with lawyers.

My ex had wanted to be divorced on the soonest date possible, and that could have been by the end of June. And here it is the end of September and I find myself stalling. I received the latest correspondence from my lawyer, trying to tie up the final straws in a "Consent Corollary Relief Judgement", about two weeks ago. It was like being hit in the face. The thought that the relationship that has lasted more than half my life, would officially be over is terrifying. Part of it is probably related to the fact that I'm having a lot of remorse about coming out (in the sense that my life with my wife was over).

I don't want to be divorced. I don't want my wife to be divorced. I don't want my son to have divorced parents. But one thing I remembered was a point I made to myself when debating whether or not to come out and that was the fact that I had cheated on my wife and didn't want to be a cheater. I didn't want to be that person and I was ashamed of my actions. She deserved better. I'm trying to hold onto that thought now to get me through this final legal step.

Cheated on.

I guess maybe I deserve to be in the place I'm in right now. I cheated on my wife with men, to discover my sexuality and developed a relationship in the process...that ultimately ended my marriage.

I'm not sure if I mentioned it before, or not, but I was cheated on by Him in January of this year. It was right after he broke up with his boyfriend of three years. It was shortly after they broke up and he was at his bf's place, and apparently one thing led to another... supposedly innocently.

Anyway... last night we got into a fight over a guy at a party making advances toward me. I declined them and he knew I did... but it was just the emotions he felt of someone advancing toward me. In that fight, I brought up this cheating thing, because honestly I can't get over it. I just can't.

In the fight different details came out... so I called him on it. He told me that they were just jerking off together in the ex-bf's bedroom...but previously he told me that the ex had pulled it out jerked off and that cum hit his (my bf's) face because his face was close... FUCKED UP!!

We fought and fought.

Today, I spent the day with my son and nephew (can I still call him that, if his parents hate me because of the divorce). It was a wonderful day that makes me proud to be called Dad. After which, I was supposed to meet Him and a friend for supper. On the way home I declined the invite and he asked why. I told him, I had a lot of thinking to do and wanted to be alone. He asked about what, and I told him. The conversation got pretty quiet. Once I got in the house I asked for some more details. He told me the first account was more accurate. That he was near the penis during orgasm and he ended up tasting cum. I asked him if he licked the ex-bf's penis and he did. HE DID!!!! FUCKED UP!!!!

I lost it. Almost hyper-ventilating while crying. He is on the phone apologizing, admitting it was a mistake but he wants only me... etc, etc. Nothing he could say would make me feel better in that moment.

I guess I deserve to feel what it's like to be cheated on. To quote my deceased father, "what goes around, comes around."

How do I get over this? Or should I want to?

Cut it like a gangrene foot.

So my friend D, who I've spoke of on here before, is one of those people who float in and out of your life and things never change. You can not see or hear from her for a year, then you get a text asking to meet for coffee. It's one of the easiest friendships I have. There none of the... you never call... just a hey, let's meet for coffee and catch up.

So I got one of those texts when I left yoga on Saturday. I replied making plans for Sunday evening. I would swing by her place, while her girlfriend was at work, and we'd head out for coffee and I'd give her a progress update.

I meet D at her house and find out that M is also coming for the coffee/talk. It's all good, but D first wants to know how things have progressed with Him. I explain that Him is now single, broke up with his boyfriend a few months ago and things had progressed to a point where we're essentially dating, but just not public. She asks me what the hell that means? And I find myself trying to defend that neither of us is ready for the ex-factor. We're not ready to have the ex's and the associated circles assume that we had been cheating the whole time.

I also found myself explaining things to D, about my concerns around Him and my son. The times where I have access and Him decides to make other plans, or seemingly avoid my place when I've got my boy for the night or weekend or whatever. Part of me understands that this is a great opportunity to visit other friends, and it not be a waste of our time, but then there are the nights where he barely wants to even talk on the phone. And I'm now at a point where I'm assertive enough to let Him know this arrangement isn't good enough. That my son will always be in my life. That there has to be an assimilation into my life. That avoiding that part of the week here and there isn't acceptable if it's to avoid my son. And D had very good advice... make my son my only priority. She even suggested that I didn't need that drama in my life... that I needed to make things calm for my boy and I cannot expose him to any of the feelings I might have about Him not being there. D is completely right.

Soon M shows up, we head out for a coffee and talk. Some of the conversation is about my ex, how she's doing. Some of the conversation is about how I look more like myself than ever. That when I had been married, I was high-strung. That it was obvious I wasn't feeling comfortable in my own skin. We all caught up on each other and headed home.

As I was leaving my lesbian friend behind, at home, she re-inforced her point that I need to focus on my son and cut the drama. She insisted that Him was only a rebound and it'll never be my lasting relationship. And I'm starting to wonder that myself. She told me to cut it... like a gangrene foot.

Once a cheater?

So, not sure if I mentioned it before, or whether it even needs to be mentioned, but I cheated on my wife while we were married. I was very fortunate to have never gotten caught, but it was still wrong. Not something I am proud of, but it helped me discover who I am, so it was a necessary step in the process.

As a man developing a new relationship, I find myself wondering if what all the audience members on shows like Ricki Lake and Maury Povich say is true... once a cheater, always a cheater. Am I destined to cheat on my future partner? Is he destined to cheat on me, if he's cheated before? And are all gay men more permiscious?

And then really, I think about whether the males (or females, even) of the human species are programmed for monogomy. Aren't we supposed to spread our seed to as many fertile specimens as possible? Is cheating, really just following what our genes are telling us to do?

I know that I don't want to be a cheater. I don't want to ruin future relationships. I want to be open and honest and no go back to the double life I lived in my head so long.

I even think of cheating scenarios when I masterbate, or fantasize in general. It's never me cheating, but Him. I think about him in sexual acts with friends, hot guys I see, or even his ex. Is that normal? Does it just affirm my attraction to Him?

That's what I ask you, brilliant internet... once a cheater, always a cheater?? If someone's completely honest?