Slap in the face

So I went to pick up my son yesterday from the in-law's place, as is the regular routine that we are on. The initial transition was nothing out of the ordinary, but as I am walking with my son, hand-in-hand, I notice the car of my father-in-law pull up. We have had one incident before that comes to mind, so seeing him is never something I look forward to.

As I am walking to the car I notice he is not alone in the car. Since one of the brother-in-laws' truck is in the yard I soon realize that it is him. I usually get silent attitude from him and since I have known him since he was a child, I have learned to ignore him. He's the type of guy who you don't even talk to until noon because he is so cranky in the mornings.

But then I notice a third occupant getting out of the car. It's another of the brother-in-laws. And I felt like I was slapped in the face. Panic. I continue to speak with my son and get him into his car seat, without letting myself be visibly effected. The panic is not out of fear or even the slightest thought of any confrontation. It stems from the fact that he was the one I was closest to in the family, other than my wife. We were close friends and shared a lot of intimate feelings with each other, about topics including other's perception of homosexuality towards us. He is someone I rarely see because he lives out of province but within the last few weeks he has deleted me off facebook. I know that it's facebook and really isn't worth much of anything, but he was the only one to keep me on his friends list, and we had exchanged an email about respect and missing each other back when everything came to pass. I had no idea what prompted me to be deleted but it happened and seeing him made me fear his reaction. Was he going to ignore me? Would he give me a look of disgust? Or would he acknowledge me like nothing has changed?

I was in the car, waiting to back out of the driveway once they passed (for safety sake). First one brother-in-law, who didn't even turn his head to look into my car. Then the second came. I pointed him out to my son, because he is his favorite uncle and the brother-in-law looked into the car, straight at me and gave a wave and a muted half-smile. He kept walking into the house and then the father-in-law passed and I was free to go.

I backed out of the driveway and as I drove out of the subdivision I became aware of the physical pain you get when you're really upset. And tears welled up in my eyes. I miss him desperately and part of me thinks from his acknowledgement, he misses me too.

When it came down to things over the years of knowing him from a young teenager to now, we have become true brothers and that bond is still there, even if it is not appropriate for us to share that relationship anymore.