Just wanna j.o.??

I may have screw myself over.

I was staying strong at not getting back together with Him. I was making myself the priority and feeling great about the whole thing. Then while hanging out with him one evening he asked if I was interested in jerking off. (Insert head shaking now). I shouldn't have done it. It was just that I feeling of the forbidden. It was quick and to some really cheap porn.

And what's worse is it's happened a couple of times since. And I know that only goes to complicate our sorted relationship all the more. And this last Friday he asked if I was okay for it to become a regular thing. I told him no. That it wasn't fair to him and his feelings. That it wasn't right.

I'm an asshole. I have earned that badge and should be wearing it so everyone knows.

How do I backtrack from here? I don't know, but I am going to have to find a way.

Sleeping Single in a Double Bed

Since becoming single I have been able to catch up on sleep. I now am in bed for at least eight hours a night, during the week anyway. The problem I seem to be facing now is that I wake up a few times through the night and the feeling of being alone has hit me harder than ever.

I guess this is probably the thing I would have gone through, had I truly been alone when my wife and I separated. But here I am facing it on a daily basis. The reminder that I am getting divorced. The reminder that my family is broken and I am the cause. That the damage that has been done is irreversible. I think I wake up through the night thinking that it’s a bad dream that I no longer have my wife as my partner and best friend. Then I open my eyes hoping to see our master bedroom and instead I am faced with the four walls I looked at while going to university and living in my parents home.

I know there are readers out there who are going to say… dude, you just haven’t fully accepted it yet… or… you should have thought about that before you told your wife… or… you made your bed, now lie in it.

And while I was driving last night, I tried to really think about whether I would go back to my old life if my wife asked me to, right now. My thoughts went to how comfortable it was having a family. That comfort level of feeling like you followed the path everyone expects you to follow… university, career, marriage, kids… and having the security of a wife that supported me, and knew what buttons to not push and showed me a lot of love. Then I think about how rough our last couple of years were. Maybe it’s just an ideal part of that life I hold in my mind, because surely it was better than being alone.

Then I think about the things I would be giving up. I would have to shut off a whole part of my life again. I would have to pretend to feel fulfilled in the bedroom. I would have to pretend to be straight around other people. And I would have to give up the drinking and dancing with the guys. And all of the great friends I made over the last couple of years. Some truly great friends who make me realize it’s completely okay to be gay. That there was nothing I should have been hiding ever in my life, because it is part of who I am.

So I guess I have come full circle in my thinking; that if I really think about my situation now, and the option (if it was there) to go back and reunite with my wife, that I have to face the fact that my life is forever changed. No matter how much either of us wanted to, there really is no going back. I am not the same person I was two years ago, and she probably isn’t either. And that even though I may live with some regret now, in making the choice to open up to her, it was one that was necessary because I was unfaithful. It is better to end the relationship on the terms we did, than to get caught in a situation that would hurt her even more. And being unfaithful was something I was ashamed of, but it was a craving that became something I couldn’t ignore.

I did the right thing. I just have a bit more healing to do to fully realize and accept it.