Need to read my own body language

I am still in that stage with Him where he wonders where the future lies between us. He is holding out hope, but I think he's slowly realizing that there might not be an us. And me... I'm still in the stage where I think I hold on to Him, but not telling him flat out that there will never be a future. I think he is my crutch. That great guy with potential as a partner and with a career. He's not your average retail hag; he is a professional with mobility anywhere in the world.

But I catch myself; my own body language gives away the fact that I am not moving in a direction that will allow our relationship to progress into being lifelong partners. I sit with my body angled away from him. I won't commit to plans. I don't even want his name to be on the same birthday card we might give a friend. At times I find myself on the phone with him and have nothing to say and I just want to hang up.

I know it sounds like I'm an asshole. And I am an asshole, but I think I need to be. I need to figure out what makes me happy and settle for nothing less. Now that I am away from the relationship I realize how I put myself on hold and sheltered myself a bit. I wouldn't allow myself to develop friendships with guys who he might feel would be competition with him. I just wasn't making me happy and didn't realize it until I reached a point where I wasn't answering to him.

I'm still not where I want to be, but I am in a place where I am okay to be single. I like being alone now. But I have also developed a circle of gay friends who are just a group of guys, not flaming queens. The kind of guys I can sit back and have a beer with, or head out and dance with. Guys who are not about drama. The group of friends I should have had in high school or university.

I will be okay. I think I'm finally realizing that.

his tug-of-war with

Sleeping Single in a Double Bed

Since becoming single I have been able to catch up on sleep. I now am in bed for at least eight hours a night, during the week anyway. The problem I seem to be facing now is that I wake up a few times through the night and the feeling of being alone has hit me harder than ever.

I guess this is probably the thing I would have gone through, had I truly been alone when my wife and I separated. But here I am facing it on a daily basis. The reminder that I am getting divorced. The reminder that my family is broken and I am the cause. That the damage that has been done is irreversible. I think I wake up through the night thinking that it’s a bad dream that I no longer have my wife as my partner and best friend. Then I open my eyes hoping to see our master bedroom and instead I am faced with the four walls I looked at while going to university and living in my parents home.

I know there are readers out there who are going to say… dude, you just haven’t fully accepted it yet… or… you should have thought about that before you told your wife… or… you made your bed, now lie in it.

And while I was driving last night, I tried to really think about whether I would go back to my old life if my wife asked me to, right now. My thoughts went to how comfortable it was having a family. That comfort level of feeling like you followed the path everyone expects you to follow… university, career, marriage, kids… and having the security of a wife that supported me, and knew what buttons to not push and showed me a lot of love. Then I think about how rough our last couple of years were. Maybe it’s just an ideal part of that life I hold in my mind, because surely it was better than being alone.

Then I think about the things I would be giving up. I would have to shut off a whole part of my life again. I would have to pretend to feel fulfilled in the bedroom. I would have to pretend to be straight around other people. And I would have to give up the drinking and dancing with the guys. And all of the great friends I made over the last couple of years. Some truly great friends who make me realize it’s completely okay to be gay. That there was nothing I should have been hiding ever in my life, because it is part of who I am.

So I guess I have come full circle in my thinking; that if I really think about my situation now, and the option (if it was there) to go back and reunite with my wife, that I have to face the fact that my life is forever changed. No matter how much either of us wanted to, there really is no going back. I am not the same person I was two years ago, and she probably isn’t either. And that even though I may live with some regret now, in making the choice to open up to her, it was one that was necessary because I was unfaithful. It is better to end the relationship on the terms we did, than to get caught in a situation that would hurt her even more. And being unfaithful was something I was ashamed of, but it was a craving that became something I couldn’t ignore.

I did the right thing. I just have a bit more healing to do to fully realize and accept it.

My mind is racing...

So it's after midnight on Sunday night. Normally, I would be fast asleep, but tonight I sit alone in my room watching a movie and it's one of those disaster movies where it's potentially the end of the world. And it gets me to thinking about what I would feel in that same situation.

Here is a coles notes version and what I think it might mean:

If it was going to be the end of the world, I would do whatever it takes to get to my son and ex-wife... whatever it takes and whatever I would have to endure. Even if it meant spending my last days in the company of only my in-laws. Both my son and ex-wife mean that much to me.

I have also thought about what I think people don't understand about my choice to come out. It is not that I stopped loving my wife. I DIDN'T. I still love her!!! And I love her more than most of my "straight" friends and family love their spouses. And then people might say, well you are not in love with her, but YES I AM. I am in love with everything that she is. I can't say there aren't things I would change about her, because we all have flaws... but I love her! The issue is that I am physically attracted to men. DOES NOT MEAN I CANNOT LOVE A WOMAN!!! DOESN'T!!

The movie also makes me wonder if I could ever find that connection with anyone ever again. I know I can love someone, and I can learn to settle (I think I can settle anyway) but I don't know if I would ever have that feeling I have for her for anyone else.

And finally, the movie makes me think... FUCK YOU IDIOT... You need to make it work somehow with her. You need to raise your son with her with both of you in his everyday life making memories and that home as one cohesive family.

In the big scheme of life I think I fucked up.

I'm just a passenger

I was on the treadmill tonight at the gym and on the tv in front of me was an entertainment show called The Insider. On that show was a debate over Jon Gosselin and his decision to halt production of Jon and Kate Plus 8. I ran while focused on the show and was thinking about the parallels between their separation and my own separation.

I have never been someone who has watched the show. I was aware it was on, and had caught clips and thought that Kate was a bitch, but didn't put more thought into it until the episode came out where they announced their separation. Like many people I was drawn in. But I wasn't drawn in for the train-wreck, so much as I was drawn in to watch the raw emotion of both the husband and wife on this show.

Strangely, I think the show actually gave me some insight on what my wife may have been thinking or feeling. And I was sad for them. It is hard enough to go through a separation and have your family and friends learn about it, but to have the whole western world know your business is hard to comprehend.

Then I thought about a movie called The Truman Show. How the whole world that Truman knows has been created and is orchestrated for his experience. And that is how I felt today on the treadmill. I felt like I'm watching this separation in order for me to see what not to do and to keep myself focused on being a good Dad and make sure that public (or in my case family and friends) prospective of me is always in the positive light.

There are definitely times, throughout my life, where I feel like my life happens to me and I don't truly have control. Even that day I told my wife I was gay, I don't know that I had control over my actions or my voice. I heard the words come from my mouth but don't know that my brain knew what it was doing.

Life is strange. Everything will be okay but right now it's a bumpy ride I don't know how to get off of.

Pros of being gay

So I guess lately a reader might think that I am quite negative about being gay, and personally I think of myself as being a very positive person... I am just getting overwhelmed at times in how much I miss my old life. And for that reason I thought it was important I write a positive entry on coming out and being gay... and what better than a bit of a pro list of coming out...

Pros

• I get to have a sex life that is much improved... since I'm having it with men
• I feel like I can completely be myself
• I have made new friends that support me for who I am
• I have a new sense of independence in that I'm not known as part of a couple, but as an individual
• I have realized that I am appealing to people and that people think I'm a catch
• I have learned who my true friends are
• I have learned my own strength
• Head IS better from a guy... it's not just a myth
• I can go to places and events that were typically only frequented by homos

There's a small list... I'm sure it will continue to grow as I find my bearings more clearly. I will make it through, I just still need to mourn the loss of a relationship that I was involved in for the better part of my life.

Did I make the biggest mistake of my life?

I’m sitting at work and had an overwhelming feeling that I have done just that. It feels like nausea, panic and sadness all in one wave of emotion. I seem to get this wave more often lately.

It started with realizations that my life is forever changed, at random times. Sometimes it would be in the shower, or in bed just as I was fading into sleep. Those thoughts where I would tell myself that this wasn’t a phase in my relationship with my wife. That in fact we would never have a home together again. We wouldn’t grow old together. We won’t have any more children. We wouldn’t travel to those dream destinations as a family.

I have had those thoughts since the day I noticed my wife dropped papers by the front door of our home, from her lawyer, stating I had better seek counsel. I didn’t know that she had even placed it there, but I saw this envelope addressed to me as I closed the door and my heart sunk. This was happening.

I think my coping mechanisms kicked in about that time and numbed me a bit. I went into a zone where certain periods of time I could control my emotion and turn stone-faced. These periods would often be when I had to deal face-to-face with my wife. I would somehow control the muscles in my face to not show any sadness or hurt. It was something she would point out to me, but she reacted to it by assuming that I didn’t care.

I think that mechanism is relaxing and allowing the rest of reality set in. The part where I am slowly realizing that this is my new reality and how discontent I am with it.

Perhaps this is why I haven’t cared so much for Him lately. That I could easily shut that relationship off because I’m not as fulfilled as I was with my wife. That even though a part of me was missing a lot of my life was full. I had a routine and a partner to share every thought with. Someone I could trust. Someone who knew my family and allowed me to be part of theirs, one I wanted to be a part of. Someone who shared the same dreams as I did for a family and home. And what he wants is so different. From where he wants to live, to his thoughts on children and the constant turmoil his family seems to be in.

I spent the morning with my ex and my son yesterday. It was an abnormal occurrence and one that had me fighting tears at most points, and constantly having my emotions barely held back. It was very normal, in the sense that we both were conscious of what we talked about, none of which was related to the split-up. We were together for one of my son’s sporting practices, and it almost felt right.

I wanted to email her today and tell her how nice it was to spend the time with both of them, but I’m afraid of the emotion it may unleash on her at work. I have a heavy heart right now.

I wonder why our marriage couldn’t work with me being gay. I mean, I know the obvious parts, but I’m brought back to the pride parade in the city this year, where there was a young couple walking through the streets and the female held a placard that read “I love my transgender husband.” What is it in our culture that requires that a hetro woman and hetro man be married for it to be considered acceptable? Sure there are groups of individuals in our society who feel that two homos can marry, but I think the majority still view it as unacceptable. I wonder how long it will be that marriage can be a commitment between two people to love and care for each other, with no other stipulations.

I think if I lived further in the future I would have been able to stay married. That I would have been able to explain to my wife the part of me that was missing and find a way to incorporate it into our lives in a natural way.

She was my best friend. Someone I loved to live life with and because I exposed a part of myself I had to give all of those years of my past, and all the years I had planned for the future up.
And I know the journey for her is even harder mentally. I am not trying to discount that. I just really want it all back. That picture perfect life is hard to give up

I regret that I came out

I feel like I am definitely in a transition. My mind is constantly playing thoughts in the back of my mind that creep to the forefront trying to give me the same message over and over. The problem is that message doesn’t exactly seem to be plausible in reality.

I regret the choice I made to come out to my wife. Sure I have enjoyed the freedom of single life to a degree. I have enjoyed not really having to answer to anyone when I didn’t want to. I enjoyed going out for drinks on the weekends I didn’t have my son and being that careless man who didn’t have to worry about what she would think. But the feeling that I am missing out on so many memories with my son is overwhelming and one I will always regret. The problem is that after coming out I felt whole. I felt like the complete person I had always been in my head, but part of that person was always hidden from the outside world. I had the straight me, which I projected to everyone in my daily life. I was always somewhat aware of my actions or words. When I came out I didn’t have to be aware and it felt great. It was intoxicating and I think that intoxicating feeling of being the whole me was what made me brave enough to say the words.

I have always been a planner. I have always been someone who thinks out all scenarios but I guess I wasn’t complete in thinking this through. I didn’t really think about how much I would miss my son, wife and in-laws. I know I have a great arrangement with regards to custody, but it’s still not good enough for me. I want him all the time.

And did I just say that I miss my wife and in-laws? After all the fighting, legal battles, threats to call the police on me when they didn’t feel it was my night to keep my son, the dirty looks and intimidation tactics? Yes. I miss everyone one of them. Why? Because they were my family. Because they were part of my memories and are so important in the life of my son and ex-wife.

I feel like I am on the verge of sitting my ex-wife down and talking to her about this. I want to lay my feelings out and be vulnerable and get my life back, to some degree. And this is probably why I am having overwhelming feelings of doubt with Him. That if he got annoyed enough with me and left it would be easier than for me to make a decision to end things. Our relationship has been getting worse, and between you and me, it doesn’t really bother me. In fact, I almost feel like it would be a relief. I don’t feel like I get the respect I deserve from Him at times, and it’s happened enough that I have hardened to a certain extent.

At this point, I’m just going to ride the wave a bit longer. I am going to just let life continue on the track I am on and not try and steer it into any certain direction. I just know that I’m not content and know a change will come; I just don’t know what the change will be.

If anyone out there is reading this and is thinking of having a talk to your wife about your orientation, please feel free to ask me questions. I’m over a year into the experience and am not as settled as I expected I would be.

Can't tell her what I feel

It's almost a year to the date that my ex moved out of the house. It's been a strange year, where I found myself in a new place professionally and personally. I have questioned every relationship I have. I have been to, what I believe, is the brink of insanity and back.

I have fostered new friendships and feel confident in who I am as a person. But that self confidence does not encompass how I feel about the choice I made to come out. I am not proud that I hurt my ex or my son, or any of the other family members who have been negatively effected by my choice to be open and honest.

I miss so many parts of my old life that it gets overwhelming. I can barely look at the Father's Day gift I received, because it makes me realize the huge chunks of my son's life that I miss out on. And for what? For sex? NO!

I think that is the part people don't understand. And maybe I didn't understand until I have gone through all of this transition. My choice to come out was NEVER about having a better sex life. It was about me being honest with myself and feeling comfortable in my own skin. I have always felt different than other guys I knew. It wasn't until I was close friends with gay men that I realized that I felt normal around them and didn't have to be self-conscious. It was a feeling I wanted everyday.

There are so many things I want to tell my ex, but I can't tell her what I feel. It would probably cause her to regress into sadness and anger. I can't tell her that I love and miss her desperately. That I feel like I made a huge mistake and want her back. I can't tell her that I heard a son last night about someone dying and the other person wanting to go with them, and that's how I still feel about her. That I still want to grow old next to her. That she's the best friend I have ever had.

I know she feels deceived and I can't take that back. I NEVER intentionally entered into any part of our relationship knowing this would happen, or knowing that I was really gay. I felt like every step felt right and was logical. It's not like I had been through it before to know something might not feel quite right.

I wish I could close my eyes and when I open them back up, I'd be in the master bedroom of our house with her next to me, and my son asleep in the room across the hall. I keep closing my eyes but it won't happen.

If I told her these feelings, I suspect she would want me back too... but I can't tell her what I feel.

I think I want my old life back...

It seems since the day I told my wife, part of me has been wishing the words were never spoken. Well not just a part of me but the majority of me. I look around at my life a year after telling her I was gay and I barely recognize anything.

I live in my parent's empty house. When I don't have my son, it's just me. No pets, which is strange, cause surely by the gay handbook I should have a cat by now. I have a new job, I'm taking classes again to further my career. And honestly, what am I thinking... I don't think I can do this for another 30 years until retirement. I sleep with a man. I enjoy blowjobs. I am developing a circle of friends. My own friends. People who know I'm gay, that I feel comfortable around and like me for me, not because I'm my wife's husband.

I've spoken with my ex-wife-to-be, and seen her a lot lately. We've both been very good at not getting upset with each other. Shared concern for each other and listened to each other. It's hard that way, though. It's easier when we hate each other to be apart. But when we get along I miss her more. I need her more. I want it all back.

The friends and great sex-life are great. The self-esteem I have for myself is great. The being honest and open is great. But I had built a life with her, made a family with her and I had to throw it all away to get some good parts in my life.

I try and trick myself into not thinking about her, and my son, and the past life I had. But I miss it so much. I miss the comfort. I miss the friendship. I miss the laughs and the shoulder to cry on. I miss my family.

Someday I will be okay. I will continue to get stronger. I just need to get through this stage of doubt.

Full House

This past weekend I went from my normally empty house to a house filled past capacity. It all started because my sister came home for a visit and then my Mom and Grandmother showed up, and it was my weekend with my son. It was a full house and I enjoyed ever minute of it.

My sister was one of the first people I admitted being gay to. I don't think she even paused to give a second to how she responded. It was a non-issue and, for her, she could finally voice her opinion of my wife. Let's just say that she wasn't overly mean or anything, but just shared concerns that she had had.

So my sister and I took complete advantage of her being home. We spent as much time as we could together, had drinks and hung out with friends. Saturday night, we also took things to a new place for my sister. We had gone out for drinks and were having a good time. Part of my mind wondered whether she'd be down for going to a gay bar, after having cocktails at another bar in the city, that plays the best music mix ever. So when closing time was arriving at the first bar, I asked if she'd be into dancing at one of the gay bars in the city. Again, she didn't hesitate.

Part of me has wondered, for longer than I could admit to myself that I was gay, whether she was a lesbian. And part of me hoped that a lesbian would hit on my sister and I'd find out. But that didn't happen. We did dance for hours, and she met my new friend, J (not sure that I've assigned him a name or initial yet).

Then we went to an old haunt for some eats before getting home while the birds were singing and the sun was well on it's way to being up.

It was great. We were both over-tired yesterday, but having my sister home and having a weekend we would have had years ago when we were both living in the same city was great.

PS. Oh and going to the gay bar is great for the self-esteem. I don't get hit on, but generally speaking, I'm fortunate enough to get eye contact or stares from the more attractive guys in the crowd. Part of it could be me being considered "new meat"... but I'll take it.

Ok, I'm gay, guess I have to mention Prop 8

Okay, so I'm no expert in Prop 8, I just know that it's holding back the right of gay men and women from being able to legally marry in California. I have a couple of points to make about this, and then I'm pretty much done, unless someone had a question about my opinion, then by all means leave a comment and I'll respond.

My thought about this whole issue, is that I find this as hard to understand as nuclear physics. I don't understand how any human can look at another and say, nope sorry, you can't make a legal commitment to another person of your gender because it's wrong. It's wrong that you love another man.

So many "straight" people say that homosexuals are promiscuous. If that is the general consensus, then shouldn't the "straight" population be ecstatic that two gay people actually want to make a real commitment to each other and say nope... no more hookups for me?

And having been giving a religious foundation as a child, I understand one's commitment to their church and religion. I understand many religious people believe marriage should only be between a man and a woman. And I'm not asking those people to allow gay men and women to marry in their churches, or change their religion to allow the marriage to be recognized. I'm asking those people to look at how that marriage would affect their life. Would there be a change? Would the earth start to turn in the opposite direction or turn into a giant disco ball? NOPE.

I know that here in Canada a legal gay marriage can happen. I even know in some provinces, if not all, a gay family or even just a gay individual can adopt a child. And chaos has not broken out in this country. There are no wars of "straights" versus "gays". There are families being formed.

I think 50 years from now people will look back at Prop 8 and ask why Californian hated so much. It's not like gay men and women are in hiding in California, like the would in a less liberal country. It's not like it's a disease. I look at this issue like I look at the past when women were not considered human enough to vote or work outside the home. I look at this issue like African descendants here in North America not having any rights. It was wrong then and it's wrong now. We're all human and it's about nothing but love and commitment.

PS. Straight people aren't successful at marriage most of the time either.

I still love her and want to be there...

So yesterday, as I do periodically throughout the week, I checked my hotmail account and get the following email from my ex-wife (to-be):

I HATE how when I have a bad day OR something goes wrong, you're not there.
I HATE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The email breaks my heart. I still love her, and seeing emails like this reminds me about part of what I gave up when I came out to my wife. By saying those words, last year, I gave up my best friend. I want to be there for her. I want her to tell me about her good days and bad days. I want to be that man in her life, but I never will be again. Sure, we will, hopefully, become good friends again, but I'll never have that exact place I once had.

I don't think she understands the part of the breakup where I still love her and miss my best friend. She thinks I made an active choice to cut her from my life, as if I was throwing something away, but I made the choice to be honest and be more me. The loss of my best friend, my home, my family, were all the casualties of me having said the words, 'I'm gay.'

If anyone reading this, is in the place I was a year ago, where you are contimplating coming out to your wife, think long and hard. I'm not saying that I wouldn't do all of this again, if I could turn back time, but I think I would have tried to prepare her better. Maybe I would have arranged for a couple's counselor to help us deal with the issue and the upcoming backlash.

No matter what, I still love her and always want to be there.

Once a cheater?

So, not sure if I mentioned it before, or whether it even needs to be mentioned, but I cheated on my wife while we were married. I was very fortunate to have never gotten caught, but it was still wrong. Not something I am proud of, but it helped me discover who I am, so it was a necessary step in the process.

As a man developing a new relationship, I find myself wondering if what all the audience members on shows like Ricki Lake and Maury Povich say is true... once a cheater, always a cheater. Am I destined to cheat on my future partner? Is he destined to cheat on me, if he's cheated before? And are all gay men more permiscious?

And then really, I think about whether the males (or females, even) of the human species are programmed for monogomy. Aren't we supposed to spread our seed to as many fertile specimens as possible? Is cheating, really just following what our genes are telling us to do?

I know that I don't want to be a cheater. I don't want to ruin future relationships. I want to be open and honest and no go back to the double life I lived in my head so long.

I even think of cheating scenarios when I masterbate, or fantasize in general. It's never me cheating, but Him. I think about him in sexual acts with friends, hot guys I see, or even his ex. Is that normal? Does it just affirm my attraction to Him?

That's what I ask you, brilliant internet... once a cheater, always a cheater?? If someone's completely honest?

Being gay has help me learn to bite.

It's been over ten months and her anger seems more heated the last couple of weeks. I doubt it's just coincidence, I'm sure it has everything to do with my telling her I was taking a vacation, and that I wasn't going alone. Whatever the reason for her new level of hate I've had to perfect my biting skills.

I've never been one to pick a fight, but I've always been someone who defended myself. I can argue every point... it's a gift I inherited from my father. My ex-wife knows this every well; when I'm being attacked I can take it only so long before I blow up.

It's been a long ten months and very challenging. I've let her get to me on many occasions, just as I have gotten to her. But I have done very well at biting my tongue and keeping things to myself in certain instances, but surely there's been a time after biting my tongue that I get my point across or defend myself when it will be better received.

The last few days I have received emails where she's very short with me and asks pointed questions, and I can see she's (a) hurting and (b) trying to get me going. I've got enough strength to not give in this time.

I have drafted responses where I defend myself and push back... then I let them sit open on my desktop all day, or put them in my saved file to re-read when I have a clear mind. And then I've been good enough to go back and delete them. Focusing, instead on the pain that is being sent, and not the attack. I start the responses again and have a very calm approach, and re-read it to make sure it won't fuel the fire. I have even been leaving out points I want to make, so as to not perpetuate the negativity.

I've asked her to also attend counseling with me. To become better co-parents and support for our son and to heal ourselves. All three times I've been very serious about the request and I've been flatly told no. She says she doesn't want to be blamed for things to make me feel better.

I never thought I was ever going to be someone who could bite their tongue when I knew I wasn't completely wrong. But I realize it now. I don't need to be right and have other people see it. I guess it's been a character building exercise for me.

Why is it so rare?

So I have had quite a broad spectrum of reactions to my coming out as a gay man, after being married. I suspect it's not really that different for any gay man, but definitely something to really think about.

Why is it so rare to receive a response of sympathy? Now, before I piss anyone off... I don't mean... oh I feel sorry for you because you're gay... or sucks to be you, you freak. I don't agree with either of those statements... this is who I am and I'm okay with it... I don't feel abnormal in the least. In fact, now that I'm coming out, I feel more normal than I ever have.

I am talking about a reaction where the friend, family member, or co-worker... who ever they are says, wow I feel really bad that you had to grow up, or live life as an adult and feel like you had to hide part of who you are. That you've felt that your family or friends would judge you in a way that you might have felt bad about your sexual orientation.

Why is it so rare?

I am not looking for anyone in my life to feel like I deserve more sympathy than my ex-wife or son, for all that they have gone through or are going through... but I am looking for more understanding at the challenge that I faced in my decision to admit to the world that I'm a gay man. And that my not fully recognizing that until I was married, owning a house and raising a child only made it that much more difficult to admit.

Did I trick her into marrying me?

So when I broke the news to my wife that I was gay she wondered how long I knew. Why had I entered into a marriage when I was gay? I thought about that question a lot. Had I known I was gay when I got married? Had I known when I proposed? Had I known when we moved in together?

Honestly, I don't think I did know. Some people I have come out to say they always knew and were just waiting for me to admit it. Are there blatant signs I should have noticed and known without a doubt?

What about the times when I would catch myself watching other boys or men where ever I was and beating myself up about it. For some reason thinking it was wrong to watch males and not females. Should I have known then?

Or what about being bullied throughout grade school with people calling me names, asking me if I was a girl. Should I have known then? And then I got to adolescense. And I dated girls. Got turned on by them. I masterbated just like every other guy my age. I would sneak into my Dad's porn collection and find all of it arousing. Whether it be guy/girl or girl/girl. It was all a turn on. Then I remember how my fantasies during masterbation would change and I'd be more focused on what guy was fucking the girl, or what his cock looked like, or his body. I didn't want to be gay but something in my head was making me pay attention to males more than females. I would swear to myself that I would only masterbate if I thought about the girl and not the guy. I would pray to God that I could be "normal" and only want to be with a girl. I guess looking back it should be quite obvious that I would probably end up being a gay man. But I guess society got the better of me and I was ashamed of the reality in my head that didn't match what I thought was going to be accepted.

In answer to the question... NO. I did not know I was a gay man. I did not foresee that I would ever get divorced. I had not entered into the relationship in order to maintain a "straight" image. I entered into the marriage because I loved my wife and marriage was the next logical step.

I think the confusing part for anyone out there questioning their sexuality is that you don't realize fully that what you feel isn't quite "normal" according to society. I'm not saying North America hasn't come a long way, but I think most would agree that we still live in a predominantly "straight" society.

My hope is that within this next generation, they will grow to feel normal no matter what their sexual orientation. Prop 8 in California definitely held back progress to a certain degree... but I'll talk about that some other day.

In closing, I'd like to share the fact that I am going through all of this struggle to come out and be honest with myself and others in part to help reach that level of acceptance for the future generations. I hope I am a pioneer of sorts and that my son will grow up with a Gay Dad and that will become normal in our society. It will never be something that his friends whisper about behind his back. If we're not ashamed of it, I hope it takes the fire out of the negativity he may receive.

Living a Double Life

Now I'm a fan of those new magazine shows... the Dateline NBC, 20/20, 48 Hours Mystery, Cold Case Files... and occasionally there will be a show where someone has disappeared only to later be found living in another city under a new identity. Sometimes they claim they have amnesia, or try and convince they are not that same person but have always been someone else. But there are some of those people who have "disappeared" so as to leave their old life behind. Maybe they were extorting money, maybe they had wives in two different parts of the country, whatever reason the cause is usually they were living a double life and were trying to end the confusion in their head, if nothing else.

I have discussed this topic with friends and family when such shows are on, and no one seems to be able to comprehend what it would be like to live two lives, or how you would get yourself into that situation. Well I understand and can sympathize with the individuals on these prime time shows. Because for the 12 years of my adult life I was, to some degree, living such a double life. I was outwardly trying to live as a "straight man" and on the inside would indulge myself to the idea that part of me was bisexual if not gay. When I got to the age of experimentation with my sexuality I began to also outwardly live a double life. I lived the "straight" boy-next-door type when around my family and friends and lived the inexperienced young man, willing to try a few safe sexual activities and have a good time. And I was able to compartimentalize the two lives and a lot like Beyonce and her Sasha Fierce... I had what I considered two personalities or seperate beings. The straight me and the gay (or what I thought at the time bisexual me) me. Each had a different name, different email addresses, and different experiences. It was tough to make sure I never accidentially used the opposite name or email address and it was just as hard to make up the lies I would have to tell family or friends as to my whereabouts when I was out exploring my sexuality.

Now that I've started coming out to my family and friends I no longer have to live that double life. That is probably the biggest weight off my shoulders. I don't have to maintain so many lies or two personalities. I am one whole person. I might only ever admit that double life to my closest friends and future partner but let me tell you I understand those men and women who disappear and are featured on those news magazine shows. There have been many more days, than not, since coming out that I think about how it would have been mentally easier to leave and start a new life in a new city. I wouldn't have to meld the two lives into one. I wouldn't have to have judgemental people wonder about my potential double life existance and what that mean to my relationship with them.

I feel that living my double life was never a choice but a necessity. I had to go through all of those experiences on each end of the sexual spectrum in order to figure out who I am and gain the experience to make a clear distinction on who I really am. I am a gay man living one life. It hasn't been, and probably won't be easy for a while, but the double life is gone.

Who is he?

So one of the first people I told that I was gay was a close friend of the family, I'll call her D. She is a friend of my older sister, and she came out as a lesbian probably close to ten years ago. I remember specifically when she came out that my Mom thought it was just a stage. In the baby-boomer's mind it was a fad and she'd get through the stage and settle down with a man and have the nuclear family we were all intended to have. But for now it was the in thing to be gay.

Now my Mom wasn't saying this in a judgemental way, she truly believed it. She didn't understand that her coming out had been this long journey to admit to the world that she prefered the love of another woman over the love of a man, and nothing could change it. As time went on it just became a non-issue. She continued to flow in and out of our lives and even vacationed with my sister and mother. And because of her my Mom learned to accept it, probably not understand but accept that this was not a stage she would grow out of.

So when I reached the point where I knew I was going to tell the world I was gay, the first person I turned to, about talking to family was D. I texted her and asked if we could meet sometime. I thought that was innocent enough, and not totally out of regular possibility. She agreed. We played text-tag for a few days and her interest was also mixed with concern that I was going to tell her of a terminal illness in the family. I told her that was not the case and we finally made plans to meet at her place after work on a Thursday for a talk. I got the directions to her place and made my way over. I remember thinking she was the safest person I could tell. I would receive no judgement from D. She had been there.

So I drive up to her house and she's sitting out on the stoop with her dog waiting for me to arrive. I park the car and we go inside. I sit on the couch looking around her place thinking, holy crap, I'm about to say the words... "I'm gay." And before I know it I tell her the words and she said "Who is he?" I said "what? who is who?" And she said, "it always takes someone. There's someone you like and that's the reason you're coming out." I said "no one" but she saw right through me. There was someone, some man I felt a connection with, unlike any other. This man was someone who had over the last year became the best friend I had ever had. I couldn't bear the though of him not being in my life.

So I gave her limited details about this person I had fallen so hard for that I was willing to admit to the world that I was gay. That final tipping point had been reached. He was worth all of the obstacles I would have to endure when I came out to my friends and family. Because, although I wasn't ready to admit to everyone, I had fallen in love with a man.

So she cracked me open a beer and we headed out on the back deck and continued the conversation about how I felt family members would take the revelation. What method would be the best idea to sit my Mom down and explain to her in a way she'd understand and possibly reduce her disappointment she may have. And then she asked if she could call her friend M. M is a girl I've also known for years. She told M that I was gay and out came a story D and M shared on many occasions when they would talk about the sexuality I was but wouldn't admit. They had know for years that I was gay. It was clear to them but not to me. D said even when I was getting married they wondered if I was doing the right thing but could not say anything because everyone has to decide for themselves when to come out or even just admit to themselves that they are gay.

I spoke with M, and she told the story of why she knew I was gay. It had to do with a kleenex. I will share that story at a later point. And she said "you cocksucker" and I said "yup, I guess that name is appropriate now."

I drank a couple of more beers and enjoyed the sun and sounds of the city. But at that time, I also remember feeling a little more complete. I remember there being no effort in trying to be something I wasn't. I was gay and it was okay. The person I was with knew and was completely okay with it and happy for me to have reached that place where I was okay with it too. And in some way it was all because of him.

My fear about being gay.

So I'm coming to realize that I have a huge fear about being gay... and it's not even really just because I'm a gay Dad. My fear is that by giving up my marriage, I also gave up on a long-term relationship possibiliy, that would have survived past retirement, and probably to the end of my life.
I know that I've only been single for less than a year, but I'm realizing that I hate being alone. I hate not having that companionship. I like having someone to come home to, or having someone come home to me. Someone to eat with, someone to care for and take care of. I like to share my life.
Sure, I'm sane and dateable, but will I ever find someone who is as into me as I am into them. Someone who will want to snuggle with me for decades to come. Someone who wants to make memories with me?
The nights that I sleep alone in bed, or in my empty house physically hurt my heart. I can physically feel pain in my chest, as I miss someone. When I finally get to sleep, I wake up periodically checking my cell phone for a missed call or text, and I feel that empty side of the bed, hoping someone slipped into it that I can shift over to and feel their warmth and comfort.

And the fear is compounded by the fact that I'm a father. And I would NEVER give up my son. That's a non-issue. The issue, is that I fear that my ability to find that long-term bond with some man is even harder cause many gay men probably didn't want to have children in their lives. Didn't expect to share their boyfriend or partner with a child.

So I close off tonight in my empty bed. I am thinking of someone special I wish was next to me and pray that they will be the one to fill up my heart and years to come with many happy memories.

I'm a single gay Dad

So I am going to try and keep some sort of momentum and continue to write, on what I hope is a regular basis. Like the title of this post states, I am a single gay Dad. I am not raising my son alone. I have shared custody with my soon to be ex-wife. I esentially have a 50/50 arrangment, which was in no way easy for me to attain.
When we were happily married, my wife and I shared all of the duties associated with raising our child. I got up for night feedings, I changed diapers, I cleaned and boiled bottles, I gave all of the baths when he was first born, cause she was afraid to drop him. I snuggled and read him books and had a ritual of having quite time in his room after he was asleep and before I went to bed where I'd sneak in and listen to three breaths before I'd go to bed myself. I was a good Dad with a strong bond... just as strong I would argue as his mother.
Strangely, after we seperated all of that was forgotten. I suddenly was the enemy, no matter how much my son still needed me. I was his Dad, but I was gay. Apparently, that aspect of sexual orientation was going to cloud my ability to be a good father in the future.
I went from a life of seeing, holding and loving my son EVERYDAY to every other day, in the beginning of the seperation, to at the worst point only a couple of days a week. I didn't take it laying down. I had a good lawyer that I trusted and filed to take her to court, when she decided I only needed to see him every other weekend and one day on the weeks I didn't have him for the weekend. I was devistated to be honest. I told someone who had been my best friend my deepest secret and not that I expected acceptance, but I didn't expect for her to forget who I was. The one thing that defined me most was being a Dad and she forgot I could do that... and at times probably better than any man she knew in her life... certainly better than any man in her family, and possibly mine.
The seperation took it's toll on all of us. I can't speak for her, but I can speak for myself and in part for my son. My son was and probably is still very confused. He didn't understand why Mom and Dad weren't ever with him together, or why Mom and he had moved to his grandparent's house while Dad stayed in his home and got ready to sell the house. He didn't understand the tears, or the fighting we tried unsuccessfully to never do in front of him. He was confused and felt pain. Pain I would do anything to take away from him. I just pray that he's young enough to never remember the hardest of days.
I also found myself wrapped up in my own feelings and forgot how to be that Dad I always was. Initially, I thought I had to keep him busy when we were together. I had to be fun so he'd want to be with me. And there were times where I was too quiet, lost in the feelings I was having. The all consuming fears of not being happy again, and that I had ruined everyone else's lives. But some how my son got my focus turned back around. He just wanted to spend time with me. Reading a book, or snuggling, or just hanging out. And I found how to be that good father again... someone I am proud of. I'm a single gay Dad.