I'm back Bitches!

Hello Internet Friends

I'm sure no one even checks this blog by now because I've been missing in action, but I figured what the heck, I'm gonna start writing again.

So I just paused this entry to see when the last time I wrote was, and where I was in my life... wow I have some catching up to do...

So when Him came home I met him at the airport. I had gone the rest of the week missing him, mainly because I was reminiscing about our relationship and realizing that it was completely over. I picked Him up at the airport and took him home. I looked around his apartment realizing that it was one of the last times I'd surely be there. I also let those feelings get away from me and I was aggressively sexual. It was hot and passionate and I didn't really care what he wanted, I took what I wanted. It was very explosive for both of us.

The next few days were filled with work and me going back and forth on how and when I would finally confront Him. And then Thursday, while I was at work, I called him and his tone was different. I realized immediately what would cause this to happen. Him being too busy to talk at work and be short with me meant he was upset and had nothing at all to do with being busy. But I played along because work was not the time or place.

That evening we had it out. He attacked me for hooking up with his ex's new boyfriend and I laid into him about the fact that he played me for a fool for the last year and a half and how nothing he said or did mattered to me. That I was done. There were a lot of things thrown at me and I just wasn't hearing it. And in reality I had closed that door emotionally months before (November I think). And when he realized those things were not hurting me he switched gears and attempted to reconcile through begging me to stay. Give him another change. He would do anything I wanted. Give me anything I wanted. That he loved me unlike anyone he had ever met. And I believe that. I think he loved me but I don't think he knows how to be in a healthy relationship (something that ended long before).

Part of me wondered if I was strong enough to finally stand up for myself and be single. Could I really be alone? Sleep alone every night? Give up my best friend? But then I thought about how hurt I was when I found out he sexually cheated on me and the promises he made. I thought about all the pain I had gone through in my separation to try and be completely happy and this is not something I went through it all for. And really, I must remember that my son needs to see healthy relationships and this wasn't one.

There's a quick recap of the end. The summer proved to have more drama with Him. I also had some great sexual experiences and this week a couple of my friends asked me to have a threesome in the near future. If there is interest I will expand on summer 2010.

Reinforcement

Him is away. He is on vacation with a group of friends in the Mayan Riveria. This part doesn't bother me in the least. In fact, I was invited but for budgetary restrictions I have opted not to go. I'm actually impressed with myself for not saying... Fuck it, I deserve a vacation. Cause I wanted to get away this year, but I know how important it is for me to get my debt back down, so I sucked it up and stayed here at home.

Anyway... a strange thing happened this week, which aligned a number of stars or planets or whatever to make sure destiny interveined. And the intervention happened when I went on squirt.org. A site I have been on and off of over the years. Wednesday evening, I was on with half an intention to have some lite fun.

I came across a profile that piqued my interest. I emailed the guy seeing if he was also looking to have some (less than) innocent fun. And he came back with an affirmative. The guy ended up being a good looking guy in good shape and asked me to meet him for coffee. I agreed and headed out. I got to the coffee shop and didn't see anyone that looked like the picture that he emailed me, but since we had exchanged cell phone numbers, I decided to stick around. I ordered a drink and stood outside enjoying a drummer who was playing on the corner and kept an eye on anyone passing who might be looking at me.

A few minutes of waiting and my cell starts vibrating in my pocket. I answer and it's this guy, M. He apologizes for being late and gives me some random excuse but he is on his way. I decide I will head in his direction and start walking a few blocks before I run into him. I am happy to see that he's even more attractive than the pic he emailed.

One of the first things he said is that he has a boyfriend and that he's away. He wanted to be open about the fact. I accept it. I'm not the one cheating AND if anything it probably reduces any risk I am making myself susceptable to. Then a couple of blocks further down the road, he said that he recognizes me and that his boyfriend knows me.

I am flashing back through anyone I may have met in the past that had a boyfriend. Is there anyone in my circle of gay friends that has a boyfriend and I haven't met... and nothing comes to mind. And this guy certainly doesn't seem upset, like he found out his boyfriend had cheated before and some how had involved me in that situation. And then finally he says, wait a second, I have a picture of him on my cell phone. He pulls up the picture and BAM it's the ex of Him.

So, it's at that point where M starts to panick, to some degree, that he shouldn't have met me. That he shouldn't have been online and that he's afraid that I will talk. I ensure him that I will not be talking... this guy doesn't realize that I have been involved with Him. He just knows about Him and it's been causing problems.

I say... Oh, I didn't think that Him and the ex, J, were talking anymore. And M spills that there are continuous phone calls, which have become more secretive over the last few months, because it's an issue in their relationship. That Him bought J a birthday gift in January. That there was a time that he caught J in a lie about talking with Him.

And there it is, slapping me in the face. I have made the right decision to stay apart from Him. Cause even after that last straw that broke the perverbial camel's back, their conversations continue... and it's still a secretive issue. Only now, instead of hiding it from me alone, J is also hiding it on his side. BUT if you have NOTHING to hide, why are you hiding it?

DONE!! It's all been reinforced this week, all in a freak coincidence of meeting M.

Not sure when this knew knowledge will be addressed. Not sure how I will explain learing this information, when I bring it up. The only thing I know for sure is that, this is too much for me to not address at some point.

I'm okay being single. I've been told I'm a catch and based on the majority of gay men in this city, I'm learning to trust that opinion.

Just can't shake it.

I just cannot shake this feeling that I have totally screwed my life up and that I am a complete failure. I keep trying to push those feelings down and let time pass, because time is supposed to heal everything.

Here I am almost two years into a seperation and I am not a happy man. I have a career that is great on paper, but I could care less about. I don't quite have the financial freedom I had hopped to have. I still haven't purchased a new home, so I'm living back in my parent's house. Imagine that as an adult. And I am completely single. That part I'm not hating, because at least there is less drama in my life.

I know mourning my marriage is a natural part of the cycle, but I really think I might need to start with my therapist again. I am uber emotional all the time. I don't have the strength to fight with my ex when she is trying to cause fights over things like holiday schedules.

Stick a fork in me folks... I'm not just done. I'm well-done. In fact the juices are not just running clear, they have completely dried up. I'm a burnt steak of you will!

Sleeping Single in a Double Bed

Since becoming single I have been able to catch up on sleep. I now am in bed for at least eight hours a night, during the week anyway. The problem I seem to be facing now is that I wake up a few times through the night and the feeling of being alone has hit me harder than ever.

I guess this is probably the thing I would have gone through, had I truly been alone when my wife and I separated. But here I am facing it on a daily basis. The reminder that I am getting divorced. The reminder that my family is broken and I am the cause. That the damage that has been done is irreversible. I think I wake up through the night thinking that it’s a bad dream that I no longer have my wife as my partner and best friend. Then I open my eyes hoping to see our master bedroom and instead I am faced with the four walls I looked at while going to university and living in my parents home.

I know there are readers out there who are going to say… dude, you just haven’t fully accepted it yet… or… you should have thought about that before you told your wife… or… you made your bed, now lie in it.

And while I was driving last night, I tried to really think about whether I would go back to my old life if my wife asked me to, right now. My thoughts went to how comfortable it was having a family. That comfort level of feeling like you followed the path everyone expects you to follow… university, career, marriage, kids… and having the security of a wife that supported me, and knew what buttons to not push and showed me a lot of love. Then I think about how rough our last couple of years were. Maybe it’s just an ideal part of that life I hold in my mind, because surely it was better than being alone.

Then I think about the things I would be giving up. I would have to shut off a whole part of my life again. I would have to pretend to feel fulfilled in the bedroom. I would have to pretend to be straight around other people. And I would have to give up the drinking and dancing with the guys. And all of the great friends I made over the last couple of years. Some truly great friends who make me realize it’s completely okay to be gay. That there was nothing I should have been hiding ever in my life, because it is part of who I am.

So I guess I have come full circle in my thinking; that if I really think about my situation now, and the option (if it was there) to go back and reunite with my wife, that I have to face the fact that my life is forever changed. No matter how much either of us wanted to, there really is no going back. I am not the same person I was two years ago, and she probably isn’t either. And that even though I may live with some regret now, in making the choice to open up to her, it was one that was necessary because I was unfaithful. It is better to end the relationship on the terms we did, than to get caught in a situation that would hurt her even more. And being unfaithful was something I was ashamed of, but it was a craving that became something I couldn’t ignore.

I did the right thing. I just have a bit more healing to do to fully realize and accept it.

Damn you Avril Lavigne

When you’re gone… that song by Avril Lavigne about missing someone you love and how your world is incomplete without that person is on Virgin Radio right now. Those lyrics tear at my soul. I remember hearing that song when I was married and things were good. I remember thinking how sad the song was and how true those words can be. And then the video takes it to the next level. It really portrays the words quite beautifully. And the scene where an older gentleman is missing his deceased wife… too much!

Anyway, hearing that song and listening to the words makes me realize how desperately I miss my wife. Having her in my life daily. Laughing with her. Seeing her interaction with my son and not feeling like she is the competition. Protecting her. The plans we had for the future.

A lot of hateful actions were taken against me. A lot of words were exchanged but all of that is overshadowed by the many years of great memories.

Had I simply came out to my wife and we had the clarity of mind to not react at the time, I wonder if we would have found a way to make things work for us as a family unit. And even now a year and a half later I wonder if she would take me back and we could find a way together. In 2009 is there really any “normal” family? Can’t we make up our own rules?

The two things holding me back from sharing these feeling with her are:

1. I don’t want to cause her to regress. I don’t want her to slip into a depression and loose any strength she has developed since the separation.
2. Has the damage done to my relationship with my ex-in-laws too much to get over?

And in a strange fateful event, while typing this post I get an email from my lawyer; someone I haven’t heard from in almost three weeks. It’s a letter from my ex’s lawyer dealing with child support yet again. An issue I tried to resolve last November by offering her the customary amount for a shared parenting plan, but has been ongoing off and on since. It’s a letter I can probably agree with, but after hearing that song I realize how close to divorce I am now. I think by my agreeing to this latest arrangement we could sign off on the divorce within days (in an ideal system). I am not sure I am ready for that.

My mind is racing...

So it's after midnight on Sunday night. Normally, I would be fast asleep, but tonight I sit alone in my room watching a movie and it's one of those disaster movies where it's potentially the end of the world. And it gets me to thinking about what I would feel in that same situation.

Here is a coles notes version and what I think it might mean:

If it was going to be the end of the world, I would do whatever it takes to get to my son and ex-wife... whatever it takes and whatever I would have to endure. Even if it meant spending my last days in the company of only my in-laws. Both my son and ex-wife mean that much to me.

I have also thought about what I think people don't understand about my choice to come out. It is not that I stopped loving my wife. I DIDN'T. I still love her!!! And I love her more than most of my "straight" friends and family love their spouses. And then people might say, well you are not in love with her, but YES I AM. I am in love with everything that she is. I can't say there aren't things I would change about her, because we all have flaws... but I love her! The issue is that I am physically attracted to men. DOES NOT MEAN I CANNOT LOVE A WOMAN!!! DOESN'T!!

The movie also makes me wonder if I could ever find that connection with anyone ever again. I know I can love someone, and I can learn to settle (I think I can settle anyway) but I don't know if I would ever have that feeling I have for her for anyone else.

And finally, the movie makes me think... FUCK YOU IDIOT... You need to make it work somehow with her. You need to raise your son with her with both of you in his everyday life making memories and that home as one cohesive family.

In the big scheme of life I think I fucked up.

I'm stalling

The whole legal process involved in the separation has been swift so say the least. From receiving notice from my ex's lawyer to seek counsel within the first month, to me filing for a custody order, and an order to deal with financial issues... it's been a quick year dealing with lawyers.

My ex had wanted to be divorced on the soonest date possible, and that could have been by the end of June. And here it is the end of September and I find myself stalling. I received the latest correspondence from my lawyer, trying to tie up the final straws in a "Consent Corollary Relief Judgement", about two weeks ago. It was like being hit in the face. The thought that the relationship that has lasted more than half my life, would officially be over is terrifying. Part of it is probably related to the fact that I'm having a lot of remorse about coming out (in the sense that my life with my wife was over).

I don't want to be divorced. I don't want my wife to be divorced. I don't want my son to have divorced parents. But one thing I remembered was a point I made to myself when debating whether or not to come out and that was the fact that I had cheated on my wife and didn't want to be a cheater. I didn't want to be that person and I was ashamed of my actions. She deserved better. I'm trying to hold onto that thought now to get me through this final legal step.

Made my bed... now time to get comfy in it?

In the mental process I put myself through, contemplating going back to a married life with my wife, I think of those things that I would probably sacrifice that I have learned to enjoy in my new life. Those things include:

The new friends I have made
The friendship with Him
The life of a single man, who can go out for drinks if friends are going, without considering others feelings or plans
The feeling of fitting in with my peers
My gold stilettos (haha… just making sure you’re still paying attention)
An exciting sex life.

But is there a way we could, with a lot of couples therapy, incorporate most of those things into our marriage?

Surely, she would get along with my new friends if they were just friends. My ex has never really had an issue with any of my friends over the years. Actually, come to think of it, there were a limited number of friends I introduced to our relationship, because I never really had the confidence to make friends… something that seemed to spark when I came out. And Him, well he would be out of the picture obviously.

As for the life of a single man, and the exciting sex life, incorporating those would require a very open mind on her part. There would need to be open conversations on what was acceptable behavior on both of our parts. Could we reach a level of an open-relationship where neither of our feelings could get hurt? Probably an impossible feat.

I would have a long road of finishing things with Him before I could ever approach her about reconciliation but somewhere in my twisted brain all of this could work. I could have the best of both worlds. I could be fully me, and I could be a husband and father.

Is all of this really part of the grieving process or is this me telling myself what will make me happy and I should follow that path?Or what if Him was out of the picture… would my ex and I be able to get back to friendship or even BFF status? I know he is a big issue for her. If he was gone, would that make things better?

Or would all of this just make my ex need more therapy, and hurt her self-esteem, and maybe we would end up in this exact same position again?This is probably a clear case of you made your bed and now you have to sleep in it… but I can’t help but wonder… and in some small way plan it out in my head.

Pros of being gay

So I guess lately a reader might think that I am quite negative about being gay, and personally I think of myself as being a very positive person... I am just getting overwhelmed at times in how much I miss my old life. And for that reason I thought it was important I write a positive entry on coming out and being gay... and what better than a bit of a pro list of coming out...

Pros

• I get to have a sex life that is much improved... since I'm having it with men
• I feel like I can completely be myself
• I have made new friends that support me for who I am
• I have a new sense of independence in that I'm not known as part of a couple, but as an individual
• I have realized that I am appealing to people and that people think I'm a catch
• I have learned who my true friends are
• I have learned my own strength
• Head IS better from a guy... it's not just a myth
• I can go to places and events that were typically only frequented by homos

There's a small list... I'm sure it will continue to grow as I find my bearings more clearly. I will make it through, I just still need to mourn the loss of a relationship that I was involved in for the better part of my life.

I must be completely crazy

I really must be crazy. I am thinking in my head about what would happen if I begged my wife to take me back. To forget the last year and a half. Forget all the distance that came between us. The hurtful things we both said. The damage that has been done to my image of her family for their attempts to keep my son from me, and in some twisted way they were trying to protect their daughter.

And what would she say? Would she really say that she would take me back and we would go back to building a home and family? Would she just be happy to have her best friend back? Would she want to have that second child we had tried for, prior to the world coming crashing down?And what would we say to the rest of the world? I know my family would be okay. My Mom wanted me to find a way to work it out instead of breaking up. My sister would be disappointed because she’d be afraid that she would lose her brother again, but that is manageable. But what would her family say? Would I ever be welcome again to Sunday dinner? And do I really care? Of the whole family, I can say I miss one brother. He was like my own blood and I would do anything for him. We considered ourselves brother and surely he’d be okay with me being back.

And our friends? Well I could look at it like those friend who wrote me off when I came out to my wife… if they are truly our friends they want us to be happy over anything else and would get over it.

I want it all back. Someone needs to walk over to my desk right now and slap me back into the painful reality that those things are forever out of my reach… but that might not even wake me up. Every cell in my body wants my family back, and because of that I’m in this limbo state.

I can’t move forward with Him because I don’t want to. I want to move backward. But if I tell Him how I feel then he will be hurt and any chance that he is the one will be ruined.

A year and a half later and I want to run back into her arms.

Marital problems

I think a year of separation makes you forget some of the struggles you had in your relationship. At least in my case it does. I know we had rough patches but now they don’t seem like there is any way they could have been that bad. Could they have really been so bad that I threw caution to the wind and changed all of our lives?

I’m thinking back right now and here are a few things that come to mind, about struggles that we had when we were the clichéd happily married couple.

Money – the root of a lot of evil for many couples. Our struggle with money was about the little things… the needless spending (in my mind) on things like a daily coffee or trips to the Dollar Store and Walmart for junk we didn’t need.

Mental Stability – I feel like an ass discussing this, but one major struggle that was in our marriage was the depression my wife slipped into prior to us getting married. It was a struggle because it was never something I understood. I assumed that some of her symptoms were selective to an extent and that she just didn’t want to interact publicly as much, or want to work outside of the home.

I didn’t understand why someone could let themselves go. Why health went on the back burner, including weight. Why she allowed herself to be medicated instead of seeking alternate ways to get through the slump I assumed she was in. I would ask why she was depressed and never got a straight answer. I asked if she asked about other things she should do, like more exercise, more or less naps, meditation, reading, anything other than just taking tiny pills and never getting better.

And here we are at least six years later and she is still on the same medication, if not more. There are new doctors who have made some bold statements but have not been able to help her get off the medication. A medication which, when I spoke about it with a pharmacist, I was told no one should be on for the long term.

An issue I also had with the depression and resulting, regular therapy sessions was the fact that I never was told what was causing her the depression. In our last six months together I gave up trying to find out. I stopped asking her what else we could do together to help her feel better.

I still don’t understand depression. And I feel bad for discounting it over the years; it’s a regret I will always have.

Maintaining a home – Another issue I had with our relationship was the uneven burden of maintaining our home. The endless hours I spent cleaning, while she read books or was out with friends, or watching re-runs on tv. I know part of that is related to the depression noted above, but I believe part of it was that I did so much, so she knew it would get done whether she did it or not. This is an issue she admitted to and at times did make attempts to balance out the burden, but it is something I did because it needed to be done, just like my Mom did for all of those years of her marriage.

I will admit, I had my faults too, but these were my three main struggles that I couldn’t always get past. These are the fights I would rather be having now, than feeling like none of us will ever be as happy as we once were.

I am a loser who threw our lives upside down. Someone who probably caused a lot more therapy sessions and prescriptions. Someone who hurt someone so deeply she will never really forgive me.

I’d give anything to wake up from this dream.

Wishlist... custody

A few things I wish that I had been more diligent about or didn't give up on during the drafting of the court order for access/custody of my son...

I wish I had not settled for less than 50%. From the day she moved out of the house and took my son with her, I told her I would not settle for less than 50% of his time. Part of that thought could be looked at as me being selfish, but my goal was for him to have maximum time with each qualified, active and loving parent. We were both good parents. He benefited from interacting with each of us, why wouldn't 50/50 work?

For those Dads like me, who ache for their children when they are not around, a 50/50 arrangement can work. I drive an extra hour every trip to get him or drop him off before and after work and it's all worth it. My best days are the ones I have him with me.

I had also sought the advice of a child psychologist before filing for court to see what was best for my son, given the relationship he had had with both parents when we were married and she said to stay as close to his normal routine as possible, which would be 50/50. It fell on deaf ears with my ex. I offered for her to go talk to the psychologist too and she refused. I did what I saw best for him.

I ended up settling for taking 3 of every 7 days. That's pretty close to 50/50 but still thrown in my face whenever the opportunity arises. In fact today she said that she still thinks he should be in one bed every night. Even though it's not realistic, she feels that would be more beneficial than the arrangement we have now.

I also wish that I had stipulated that I not be the only one to drop him off. That was thrown in my face yesterday.

I agreed to that because I felt that it was not a point worthy of arguing over, because I will do anything for my son. I would pick him up at the north pole if she got re-married to Santa Claus, because I love the time with him.

Sure it's inconvenient, and I had to face her hateful family during transition times, but I made a point to not be intimidated. I have always removed my sunglasses and looked them in the eye. Why? Because my son should not be forced to endure adults being childless. Unfortunately, her family cannot see things the same way. Here it is a year and a half later and I still can't get a hello, or a comment about his day. NOTHING. And not that I care to talk, but I think for my son, it would show a healthy relationship that people can have because he is that important in all of our lives.

I also wish that I had made sure that it was clearly written in stone that I get one full week with him every year, at my choosing for vacations. I had to beg to have what ended up being less than a week for him to spend with my Mother in the country. And even then, I had to sacrifice other days of my regular schedule to get her to agree. Or the five days I took him to visit my Sister out of province. It was like pulling teeth. But did I put up a fight when she wanted to take him out of the country for the second year in a row for a full week? No. In fact I handed her spending money, so he could buy a few tourist items to remember the trip with her family.

And one of the last things, I wish I had been more diligent about, was a thing called the right of first refusal. I spoke with my lawyer about it, and thought that we had included it, but it probably got lost in the million revisions my ex's douche of a lawyer requested. It is where there's an instance where it's technically my ex's time, but she is not able to be with my son, for whatever reason... be it a work commitment or a date or whatever else she might get up to in the future and I have the right to have him for that period of time, over him being with a babysitter or some other caregiver. And I have the right to refuse it before he is given to any caregiver, but I doubt I ever would.

So there's my wishlist. Things to think about while you are fighting for the right to see your children. I have said it before, if you are ever in my situation, get a good lawyer.

Being the bigger person.

So often in conversations between Him and me, I get a lot of flack for trying to be the bigger person with my Ex. Today is a prime example. There is an event coming up that involves our son being showcased. The event requires tickets and those tickets are in high demand.

Trying to be a good father, and friend to my ex, I offer to pick up a ticket for her and she can pay me back. She doesn’t really thank me for the offer but asks that I pick up two tickets so that she can take someone with her. Now I don’t need recognition from her to say I’m doing the right thing because I am doing it for my boy. The child who deserves both of his parents to be full participants in his life and feel all the attention and love he deserves.

Due to technical difficulties and my work schedule, I am unable to get the tickets as soon as they go on sale. I speak with Him about it and explain my fear that the tickets will be sold out and we won’t have the chance to go. He offers to run to a location that will undoubtedly be able to sell tickets. In that conversation I thank him and ask him to pick up six tickets. Two of said tickets are for my ex and someone else of her choosing.

Now, on a side note, I should point out that during an event at my son’s school I showed up just as the event was about to start and after getting a text from my ex about whether I was there yet or not, I enter the building and look for my ex. Every other event at the school we have sat together as a united front for our son, even when we could barely talk to each other. We put smiles on and dealt with it. This event, the last of the school year, I walk into the room full of adults to see that my ex, her mother, and some random cousins and aunts and uncles were all sitting in the front row and not an empty seat left for me. It crushed me, not so much because of the fact that I was no longer a member of her family – which does hurt, but because my son would see her and her mother in the front row and he might not see me standing to the side of the room proudly taking pictures and hoping for a smile or wave. Finally after standing by myself and trying to hide the emotion of it all, a former high school friend of my ex-wife waved me over and offered me a seat next to her near the back of the room.

Anyway, back to today’s event’s… I have had some email exchanges with my ex confirming that I had been able to get her two tickets. She asked the price and time and I didn’t know, because I hadn’t been successful in my attempts to purchase them myself. I immediately text Him to find out. I don’t want to tell her who bought them, because it might hurt her, but I end up telling her I had someone else pick them up due to my difficulties.

Finally about an hour later I get a call from Him. He doesn’t know details, he just paid and threw them in the car. He then goes on to ask why I had offered to pick up her tickets, because remember the time at his school when there wasn’t a seat saved for you? And you had to go by yourself? Remember that? And why do I have to be so nice to her, she’s capable of picking up tickets and if she couldn’t get them, then too bad.
I shoot back that someone has to be the bigger person. Someone has to make things for our son easier and it’s me. That I’m the one that may be up against a wall, but I will do whatever I need to make sure that life is easier for my son. And that he needs both of his parents to be fully involved.

He doesn’t understand, and I am okay with it to a point, because I wanted him to remind me of how much she hurt me too (when I was in my darkest days). But why is everyone so petty?
Don’t get me wrong, I am stubborn, one of the traits I clearly got from my father, but for me the world revolves around my son and sometimes I have to be the one to shield him for the bitter world that revolves around him.

I think that I got my point across to Him. He backed down a bit and he does have a valid point to a degree, but this is my life, and this is my son’s life. If it can be easier in any way I am willing to try.

I regret that I came out

I feel like I am definitely in a transition. My mind is constantly playing thoughts in the back of my mind that creep to the forefront trying to give me the same message over and over. The problem is that message doesn’t exactly seem to be plausible in reality.

I regret the choice I made to come out to my wife. Sure I have enjoyed the freedom of single life to a degree. I have enjoyed not really having to answer to anyone when I didn’t want to. I enjoyed going out for drinks on the weekends I didn’t have my son and being that careless man who didn’t have to worry about what she would think. But the feeling that I am missing out on so many memories with my son is overwhelming and one I will always regret. The problem is that after coming out I felt whole. I felt like the complete person I had always been in my head, but part of that person was always hidden from the outside world. I had the straight me, which I projected to everyone in my daily life. I was always somewhat aware of my actions or words. When I came out I didn’t have to be aware and it felt great. It was intoxicating and I think that intoxicating feeling of being the whole me was what made me brave enough to say the words.

I have always been a planner. I have always been someone who thinks out all scenarios but I guess I wasn’t complete in thinking this through. I didn’t really think about how much I would miss my son, wife and in-laws. I know I have a great arrangement with regards to custody, but it’s still not good enough for me. I want him all the time.

And did I just say that I miss my wife and in-laws? After all the fighting, legal battles, threats to call the police on me when they didn’t feel it was my night to keep my son, the dirty looks and intimidation tactics? Yes. I miss everyone one of them. Why? Because they were my family. Because they were part of my memories and are so important in the life of my son and ex-wife.

I feel like I am on the verge of sitting my ex-wife down and talking to her about this. I want to lay my feelings out and be vulnerable and get my life back, to some degree. And this is probably why I am having overwhelming feelings of doubt with Him. That if he got annoyed enough with me and left it would be easier than for me to make a decision to end things. Our relationship has been getting worse, and between you and me, it doesn’t really bother me. In fact, I almost feel like it would be a relief. I don’t feel like I get the respect I deserve from Him at times, and it’s happened enough that I have hardened to a certain extent.

At this point, I’m just going to ride the wave a bit longer. I am going to just let life continue on the track I am on and not try and steer it into any certain direction. I just know that I’m not content and know a change will come; I just don’t know what the change will be.

If anyone out there is reading this and is thinking of having a talk to your wife about your orientation, please feel free to ask me questions. I’m over a year into the experience and am not as settled as I expected I would be.

Divorce thoughts.

I grew up in a home with married parents. There were no step parents, not step-siblings, just the regular nuclear family. When I proposed to my wife I expected the same life. One where the husband and wife were committed to each other for the rest of their lives, and had children and raised them together and have some picture perfect moments.

A lot of that outlook on adulthood, was no doubt the result of my environment and media. It wasn't just my upbringing because my parents did not have the ideal marriage. My Dad was the ruler of the home and we all had to follow or hell would break loose. There were nights where my sister and I were woken up to the sound of a yelling match between my parents. There were years of my life where I wish my parents would get divorced. But it never happened.

I NEVER thought I would ever get divorced. I never thought I'd have an end to that relationship. And here I am a year later, still spinning from the thought that I would be divorced. I would be a statistic. That my son would not be raised with two parents in one home.

I have to wonder how different divorce would be for someone with no children. Without much doubt, I can say it has got to be a lot easier. Sure the pain of losing your best friend and everything that is familiar is hard and seems unbearable. But you can also leave that relationship knowing you never have to deal with that person again. You don't have to talk to them on a regular basis. You don't have to always wonder what they might be up to.

If I had no son in the mix, I would have left this city and started up a new life. Surrounded myself with all things unfamiliar. A new city, a new job and new friends. It would surely be an adventure instead of feeling completely lost in the world you once knew every corner of.

I had an email disagreement with the ex today. I so badly wanted to say that I had made the biggest mistake of my life and wanted a do-over. But I can't. I'm gay. And too much damage has been done. Life is more familiar and I have a good circle of friends... but it's not what I grew up expecting my life to be like... and that's a hard pill to swallow.

Can't get you off my mind

It's still a daily thought. I want my old life back. I want to have my son in my house everday. I want to tuck him in every night. I want to hear every laugh and be in every one of his memories. If I knew it would be this hard...

I also miss my wife terribly. I miss my best friend. I miss meals, family gatherings and having a partner who was predictable. And I mean that in a way like... I knew body language... she knew when I needed space or understanding. I miss our unspoken language.

I knew it would be hard. I knew things wouldn't be the same. I didn't know it would hurt this much. I didn't know I would mourn the idea of a "perfect family-life" for my son so much.

If you're thinking of doing what I did and coming out to your wife... think long and hard. Contact me and I'll share thoughts before you do. I wish I had had someone with experience to talk to.

I think I want my old life back...

It seems since the day I told my wife, part of me has been wishing the words were never spoken. Well not just a part of me but the majority of me. I look around at my life a year after telling her I was gay and I barely recognize anything.

I live in my parent's empty house. When I don't have my son, it's just me. No pets, which is strange, cause surely by the gay handbook I should have a cat by now. I have a new job, I'm taking classes again to further my career. And honestly, what am I thinking... I don't think I can do this for another 30 years until retirement. I sleep with a man. I enjoy blowjobs. I am developing a circle of friends. My own friends. People who know I'm gay, that I feel comfortable around and like me for me, not because I'm my wife's husband.

I've spoken with my ex-wife-to-be, and seen her a lot lately. We've both been very good at not getting upset with each other. Shared concern for each other and listened to each other. It's hard that way, though. It's easier when we hate each other to be apart. But when we get along I miss her more. I need her more. I want it all back.

The friends and great sex-life are great. The self-esteem I have for myself is great. The being honest and open is great. But I had built a life with her, made a family with her and I had to throw it all away to get some good parts in my life.

I try and trick myself into not thinking about her, and my son, and the past life I had. But I miss it so much. I miss the comfort. I miss the friendship. I miss the laughs and the shoulder to cry on. I miss my family.

Someday I will be okay. I will continue to get stronger. I just need to get through this stage of doubt.

He's been snooping

So about a week ago, I found out, without much doubt that Him has been snooping. I'm fairly certain that it happened last week. A friend of mine, who flirts and is definitely interested in me, sent me a couple of drunken texts.

I didn't check the text, since they arrived while I was in bed asleep. I got up in the morning, and got the day started, not thinking to check my text messages. After getting out of the shower I thought to check my phone, which had fallen through the night, under my bed. Instead of going directly to get it, I waited until Him was in the shower, in case there had been a message.

I check and there are no new messages in my inbox. I think, that's cool... he didn't send any drunken texts... relief. Then, for some reason I check my read items. And there was a message. A little flirty... calling me cute, and labelled drunken text number one. I check for number two, three and four... but there weren't any more.

I'm furious, but what can I say? It's an invasion of my privacy... but not something I haven't done at a point when I was worried. So I let it slide.

I talk to my friend, later in the day ans ask how many messages he may have sent... and he said two. I asked him to resend the second but he says no... it was sent while drunk... and was maybe a little more assertive. I'm nervous, but what can I do? It might not have been received... or it may have been deleted... either way, already done and out of control.

Then today, a week later, I get in the shower and think... hmm... where is my phone. I think nothing of it until, I get out of the shower, and for some strange reason, he has laid my jeans out (with phone inside) on the bed, with a shirt, underwear and socks... I ask why and he says... oh I thought I'd help you get ready. ODD!!

Again, I check my phone, and nothing in received... so I assume I got nothing. And I would have been convinced, but when he leaves me for a while today, and I mention maybe meeting up with the new friend for a bit, he gets sad... starts crying... and says he's just afraid he's going to lose me... and that I mean everything to him. I ask why he's feeling this way and he says he doesn't know, he just has a feeling. I now wonder if maybe he read something and deleted it.

And where do I stand? Well, I am definitely flattered that the new guy has an interest in me. He is definitely a catch and loves kids... I could go on... and I've been tempted but I don't know that he's the one I could see me spending the rest of my life with. I don't know him well enough yet, to even guess. So should Him be worried? Maybe. I mean, I'm a fairly good catch too... I have a good career, I am smart, handsome and a nice guy (I'm not perfect, I know it, but I'm a good guy). I think I've worried long enough that Him wouldn't stay with me... and he didn't try and understand my insecurity... maybe now it's his turn.

I still love her and want to be there...

So yesterday, as I do periodically throughout the week, I checked my hotmail account and get the following email from my ex-wife (to-be):

I HATE how when I have a bad day OR something goes wrong, you're not there.
I HATE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The email breaks my heart. I still love her, and seeing emails like this reminds me about part of what I gave up when I came out to my wife. By saying those words, last year, I gave up my best friend. I want to be there for her. I want her to tell me about her good days and bad days. I want to be that man in her life, but I never will be again. Sure, we will, hopefully, become good friends again, but I'll never have that exact place I once had.

I don't think she understands the part of the breakup where I still love her and miss my best friend. She thinks I made an active choice to cut her from my life, as if I was throwing something away, but I made the choice to be honest and be more me. The loss of my best friend, my home, my family, were all the casualties of me having said the words, 'I'm gay.'

If anyone reading this, is in the place I was a year ago, where you are contimplating coming out to your wife, think long and hard. I'm not saying that I wouldn't do all of this again, if I could turn back time, but I think I would have tried to prepare her better. Maybe I would have arranged for a couple's counselor to help us deal with the issue and the upcoming backlash.

No matter what, I still love her and always want to be there.

Mother-in-law from Hell

So on my drive to work today a song was on the radio that took me back to last summer and where my life was then. Music has a way of making me remember specific periods of time. Could have something to do with the fact that when I like a new song I put it on repeat until I know all the words... but no matter what, periods of my life are tied to specific songs forever.

Anyway, the song today reminded me of the period of time last year, when my ex decided that the visitiation that we had (50/50) was no longer going to work for her. She and her lawyer decided that I was entitled to less. I didn't stand for it.

The particular experience the song brought out was a day I went to pick up my son after work and my Mother-in-law tried to take a bit of control. She got him ready and as he was passed to me out the door, I took his hand and she said, see you at 8:30 to my son. I started to walk to my car with him, and said, no, you'll see him in the morning. Then she said, no you have to have him back by 8:30. It took all I had to hold back and not tell the bitch exactly what I thought of her and her family for using my son to get back at me. I looked at my son, and said, no he'll be back tomorrow. It's not your fight to have. I stayed calm, used a flat tone and kept walking to my car. She kept calling the same thing out to me.

By this point another child's parent was there to pick them up, and witnessed the exchange. When I finally had my son buckled in his car seat she said, you better have him back by 8:30 or else. I said, or else what? And she said, we'll call the police. And I said, go ahead. I got in my car, checked my blind spots and drove away.

It was that exact moment in time, that I realized that I had the mother-in-law from hell. That she had overstepped her place in this divorce and made it clear what she thought of me. She was not thinking in the best interests of her Grandson, she was thinking of how she could get to me. For that she will always be a bitch!

I took him to my Mom's place, and we sat at the kitchen table and ate ham for supper. I had to leave the table twice to keep my son from seeing me completely devastated. That three year old boy was in the middle of a bunch of adults who couldn't contain themselves... but I was going to try and shield him as much as possible on my time.

I later called the police and explained the situation. I didn't want to do the wrong thing, and hurt myself when the court date arrived. I didn't want police showing up and pulling my son out of my Mother's house. I would take him back and admit defeat before he had a police officer show up for him.

The officer explained to me, that if there was no court order in place and my son was in no danger, that they would never come and take a child from a parent. So that put my mind at ease. I hadn't made a huge mistake. I don't know if they ever called the police on me. Part of me hopes they did and that they realized that she shouldn't have threatened me, or that my son should not have been exposed to that conversation.

That night, I crawled in bed with him at bed time, read him a book, and snuggled him all night long. I didn't sleep much, but he was next to me, and that's all that mattered.

My ex-wife tried to use this experience against me... saying that I shouldn't have talked to her mother that way. And I wonder how the exact story was told in that house. Someday, my ex will know the real story, because I was recording that interaction. I have it on a digital voice-recorder and will play it for her someday. Just so she knows I really didn't overstep the boundries of respect and attack the grandmother of my son.

Some songs I love, but hate the memories. This is one of them.