Reinforcement

Him is away. He is on vacation with a group of friends in the Mayan Riveria. This part doesn't bother me in the least. In fact, I was invited but for budgetary restrictions I have opted not to go. I'm actually impressed with myself for not saying... Fuck it, I deserve a vacation. Cause I wanted to get away this year, but I know how important it is for me to get my debt back down, so I sucked it up and stayed here at home.

Anyway... a strange thing happened this week, which aligned a number of stars or planets or whatever to make sure destiny interveined. And the intervention happened when I went on squirt.org. A site I have been on and off of over the years. Wednesday evening, I was on with half an intention to have some lite fun.

I came across a profile that piqued my interest. I emailed the guy seeing if he was also looking to have some (less than) innocent fun. And he came back with an affirmative. The guy ended up being a good looking guy in good shape and asked me to meet him for coffee. I agreed and headed out. I got to the coffee shop and didn't see anyone that looked like the picture that he emailed me, but since we had exchanged cell phone numbers, I decided to stick around. I ordered a drink and stood outside enjoying a drummer who was playing on the corner and kept an eye on anyone passing who might be looking at me.

A few minutes of waiting and my cell starts vibrating in my pocket. I answer and it's this guy, M. He apologizes for being late and gives me some random excuse but he is on his way. I decide I will head in his direction and start walking a few blocks before I run into him. I am happy to see that he's even more attractive than the pic he emailed.

One of the first things he said is that he has a boyfriend and that he's away. He wanted to be open about the fact. I accept it. I'm not the one cheating AND if anything it probably reduces any risk I am making myself susceptable to. Then a couple of blocks further down the road, he said that he recognizes me and that his boyfriend knows me.

I am flashing back through anyone I may have met in the past that had a boyfriend. Is there anyone in my circle of gay friends that has a boyfriend and I haven't met... and nothing comes to mind. And this guy certainly doesn't seem upset, like he found out his boyfriend had cheated before and some how had involved me in that situation. And then finally he says, wait a second, I have a picture of him on my cell phone. He pulls up the picture and BAM it's the ex of Him.

So, it's at that point where M starts to panick, to some degree, that he shouldn't have met me. That he shouldn't have been online and that he's afraid that I will talk. I ensure him that I will not be talking... this guy doesn't realize that I have been involved with Him. He just knows about Him and it's been causing problems.

I say... Oh, I didn't think that Him and the ex, J, were talking anymore. And M spills that there are continuous phone calls, which have become more secretive over the last few months, because it's an issue in their relationship. That Him bought J a birthday gift in January. That there was a time that he caught J in a lie about talking with Him.

And there it is, slapping me in the face. I have made the right decision to stay apart from Him. Cause even after that last straw that broke the perverbial camel's back, their conversations continue... and it's still a secretive issue. Only now, instead of hiding it from me alone, J is also hiding it on his side. BUT if you have NOTHING to hide, why are you hiding it?

DONE!! It's all been reinforced this week, all in a freak coincidence of meeting M.

Not sure when this knew knowledge will be addressed. Not sure how I will explain learing this information, when I bring it up. The only thing I know for sure is that, this is too much for me to not address at some point.

I'm okay being single. I've been told I'm a catch and based on the majority of gay men in this city, I'm learning to trust that opinion.

I'm in love

I am a bit of a facebook creeper. If I see a handsome guy tagged in a pic of a friend, I will click on their name to see if they have an open facebook profile. Heck, I do that with girls too, or anyone who piques my interest for some reason.

Anyway, I came across a cute guy in someone's pictures and he has a profile that allows me to look through his pictures. He is probably 27ish, fit, handsome, good dresser and looks like he has a great group of friends. Sadly, he lives in Toronto, but his home is here, so he'll always have a tie to my city and hopefully through time I will have a chance to meet this man.

I never thought that it was possible when I hear stories like this... and I know I sound slightly insane... but seeing his picture was love at first sight. And I'm not talking lust at first sight... like I actually think he's meant to be my partner (I know it sounds crazy and unreasonable but there is just something about him).

He gives me hope that there is someone out there who is perfect for me. That I don't have to settle for someone I am just compatible with, but that there is someone that looks so good that I will melt and will be an amazing guy too.

Strangely, I had a dream about him this morning just before I woke up. He and I were talking and getting to a point where we were surely going to agree to going on a date. We had both, informally, admitted to a shared attraction. It was a dream I was sad to wake up from.

Oh, please let me be lucky enough to see him in my dreams tonight. And perhaps let the adventure with him continue in my dreams for the weeks to come.

I'm in love with a stranger that I will possibly never set eyes on in person. He has probably never even heard my name or noticed me in any tagged friends pictures, but he has a piece of my heart... and can have the whole thing, whenever he wants it.