Reinforcement

Him is away. He is on vacation with a group of friends in the Mayan Riveria. This part doesn't bother me in the least. In fact, I was invited but for budgetary restrictions I have opted not to go. I'm actually impressed with myself for not saying... Fuck it, I deserve a vacation. Cause I wanted to get away this year, but I know how important it is for me to get my debt back down, so I sucked it up and stayed here at home.

Anyway... a strange thing happened this week, which aligned a number of stars or planets or whatever to make sure destiny interveined. And the intervention happened when I went on squirt.org. A site I have been on and off of over the years. Wednesday evening, I was on with half an intention to have some lite fun.

I came across a profile that piqued my interest. I emailed the guy seeing if he was also looking to have some (less than) innocent fun. And he came back with an affirmative. The guy ended up being a good looking guy in good shape and asked me to meet him for coffee. I agreed and headed out. I got to the coffee shop and didn't see anyone that looked like the picture that he emailed me, but since we had exchanged cell phone numbers, I decided to stick around. I ordered a drink and stood outside enjoying a drummer who was playing on the corner and kept an eye on anyone passing who might be looking at me.

A few minutes of waiting and my cell starts vibrating in my pocket. I answer and it's this guy, M. He apologizes for being late and gives me some random excuse but he is on his way. I decide I will head in his direction and start walking a few blocks before I run into him. I am happy to see that he's even more attractive than the pic he emailed.

One of the first things he said is that he has a boyfriend and that he's away. He wanted to be open about the fact. I accept it. I'm not the one cheating AND if anything it probably reduces any risk I am making myself susceptable to. Then a couple of blocks further down the road, he said that he recognizes me and that his boyfriend knows me.

I am flashing back through anyone I may have met in the past that had a boyfriend. Is there anyone in my circle of gay friends that has a boyfriend and I haven't met... and nothing comes to mind. And this guy certainly doesn't seem upset, like he found out his boyfriend had cheated before and some how had involved me in that situation. And then finally he says, wait a second, I have a picture of him on my cell phone. He pulls up the picture and BAM it's the ex of Him.

So, it's at that point where M starts to panick, to some degree, that he shouldn't have met me. That he shouldn't have been online and that he's afraid that I will talk. I ensure him that I will not be talking... this guy doesn't realize that I have been involved with Him. He just knows about Him and it's been causing problems.

I say... Oh, I didn't think that Him and the ex, J, were talking anymore. And M spills that there are continuous phone calls, which have become more secretive over the last few months, because it's an issue in their relationship. That Him bought J a birthday gift in January. That there was a time that he caught J in a lie about talking with Him.

And there it is, slapping me in the face. I have made the right decision to stay apart from Him. Cause even after that last straw that broke the perverbial camel's back, their conversations continue... and it's still a secretive issue. Only now, instead of hiding it from me alone, J is also hiding it on his side. BUT if you have NOTHING to hide, why are you hiding it?

DONE!! It's all been reinforced this week, all in a freak coincidence of meeting M.

Not sure when this knew knowledge will be addressed. Not sure how I will explain learing this information, when I bring it up. The only thing I know for sure is that, this is too much for me to not address at some point.

I'm okay being single. I've been told I'm a catch and based on the majority of gay men in this city, I'm learning to trust that opinion.

My mind is racing...

So it's after midnight on Sunday night. Normally, I would be fast asleep, but tonight I sit alone in my room watching a movie and it's one of those disaster movies where it's potentially the end of the world. And it gets me to thinking about what I would feel in that same situation.

Here is a coles notes version and what I think it might mean:

If it was going to be the end of the world, I would do whatever it takes to get to my son and ex-wife... whatever it takes and whatever I would have to endure. Even if it meant spending my last days in the company of only my in-laws. Both my son and ex-wife mean that much to me.

I have also thought about what I think people don't understand about my choice to come out. It is not that I stopped loving my wife. I DIDN'T. I still love her!!! And I love her more than most of my "straight" friends and family love their spouses. And then people might say, well you are not in love with her, but YES I AM. I am in love with everything that she is. I can't say there aren't things I would change about her, because we all have flaws... but I love her! The issue is that I am physically attracted to men. DOES NOT MEAN I CANNOT LOVE A WOMAN!!! DOESN'T!!

The movie also makes me wonder if I could ever find that connection with anyone ever again. I know I can love someone, and I can learn to settle (I think I can settle anyway) but I don't know if I would ever have that feeling I have for her for anyone else.

And finally, the movie makes me think... FUCK YOU IDIOT... You need to make it work somehow with her. You need to raise your son with her with both of you in his everyday life making memories and that home as one cohesive family.

In the big scheme of life I think I fucked up.

I regret that I came out

I feel like I am definitely in a transition. My mind is constantly playing thoughts in the back of my mind that creep to the forefront trying to give me the same message over and over. The problem is that message doesn’t exactly seem to be plausible in reality.

I regret the choice I made to come out to my wife. Sure I have enjoyed the freedom of single life to a degree. I have enjoyed not really having to answer to anyone when I didn’t want to. I enjoyed going out for drinks on the weekends I didn’t have my son and being that careless man who didn’t have to worry about what she would think. But the feeling that I am missing out on so many memories with my son is overwhelming and one I will always regret. The problem is that after coming out I felt whole. I felt like the complete person I had always been in my head, but part of that person was always hidden from the outside world. I had the straight me, which I projected to everyone in my daily life. I was always somewhat aware of my actions or words. When I came out I didn’t have to be aware and it felt great. It was intoxicating and I think that intoxicating feeling of being the whole me was what made me brave enough to say the words.

I have always been a planner. I have always been someone who thinks out all scenarios but I guess I wasn’t complete in thinking this through. I didn’t really think about how much I would miss my son, wife and in-laws. I know I have a great arrangement with regards to custody, but it’s still not good enough for me. I want him all the time.

And did I just say that I miss my wife and in-laws? After all the fighting, legal battles, threats to call the police on me when they didn’t feel it was my night to keep my son, the dirty looks and intimidation tactics? Yes. I miss everyone one of them. Why? Because they were my family. Because they were part of my memories and are so important in the life of my son and ex-wife.

I feel like I am on the verge of sitting my ex-wife down and talking to her about this. I want to lay my feelings out and be vulnerable and get my life back, to some degree. And this is probably why I am having overwhelming feelings of doubt with Him. That if he got annoyed enough with me and left it would be easier than for me to make a decision to end things. Our relationship has been getting worse, and between you and me, it doesn’t really bother me. In fact, I almost feel like it would be a relief. I don’t feel like I get the respect I deserve from Him at times, and it’s happened enough that I have hardened to a certain extent.

At this point, I’m just going to ride the wave a bit longer. I am going to just let life continue on the track I am on and not try and steer it into any certain direction. I just know that I’m not content and know a change will come; I just don’t know what the change will be.

If anyone out there is reading this and is thinking of having a talk to your wife about your orientation, please feel free to ask me questions. I’m over a year into the experience and am not as settled as I expected I would be.

Is the end really in sight?

So I just got home from what felt like a long overdue vacation. I'm back in the country for three days and I'm already considering backing my bags and never coming back.

I had left work with a project incomplete. I had asked a senior level co-worker to help on an issue I had been having. An issue which I had spent days on, even working overtime and on my weekend trying to resolve without success. I get back to work and the file had not been touched. GREAT!

On the day I get home I call my ex-wife and request some time with my son. It's not my day, but I haven't seen him in a week. I figure it's pretty self-explanitory, but apparently she's no longer fluent in common sense (oh that's right, I got that in the divorce settlement). So after pointless conversation I'm allowed to pick him up for about three hours.

When I get him he's a little distant. It hurts, but he's only a little boy. Then like being hit by a truck I realize that this is my life. I will never ever have my son in my home full-time, ever again. Tears flood my eyes as I drive from her street. I move the rear-view mirror so he doesn't see me cry. It's been the better part of a year and it's finally settling in. Nothing to date has hurt this much. I never expected to only have a fraction of my son's time. Even now, as I look across my desk at his pictures I have to fight back tears.

And my love life? Well it's more turmoil. I'm at a loss as to whether being in a relationship with anyone is worth the effort. Maybe I just need to be alone. Feel the gravity of my life and find a way to rise above it.

Oh and the final straw came today... over a month after our scheduled court case to settle the financial portion of the seperation and there are further delays, and now new expenses for me. Ones I didn't want to pay, but my lawyer advised I swallow in an effort to minimize cost and frustraton.

I'm not able to concentrate on work, deadlines are looming, I'm broke, I have appointments with bankers, doctors, teachers. I haven't been exercising, or studying, or cleaning the house. I am seconds away from letting the last strands of the rope go and run in opposite direction.

I had a friend say, it's going to get better, and surely it will... but right now it doesn't make me feel better, or pull me from the brink of insanity.

Here is hoping that the strength that's hidden inside me show's it's face again and I get through it without being fired, or quitting, without declaring bankruptcy, without ending relationships and without completely disappearing and changing my name.

Once a cheater?

So, not sure if I mentioned it before, or whether it even needs to be mentioned, but I cheated on my wife while we were married. I was very fortunate to have never gotten caught, but it was still wrong. Not something I am proud of, but it helped me discover who I am, so it was a necessary step in the process.

As a man developing a new relationship, I find myself wondering if what all the audience members on shows like Ricki Lake and Maury Povich say is true... once a cheater, always a cheater. Am I destined to cheat on my future partner? Is he destined to cheat on me, if he's cheated before? And are all gay men more permiscious?

And then really, I think about whether the males (or females, even) of the human species are programmed for monogomy. Aren't we supposed to spread our seed to as many fertile specimens as possible? Is cheating, really just following what our genes are telling us to do?

I know that I don't want to be a cheater. I don't want to ruin future relationships. I want to be open and honest and no go back to the double life I lived in my head so long.

I even think of cheating scenarios when I masterbate, or fantasize in general. It's never me cheating, but Him. I think about him in sexual acts with friends, hot guys I see, or even his ex. Is that normal? Does it just affirm my attraction to Him?

That's what I ask you, brilliant internet... once a cheater, always a cheater?? If someone's completely honest?

Learn her passwords

So if you are a married man out there and are thinking of telling your wife that you are gay I suggest you make sure you have all of the possible bases covered. My tip today, is to make sure you know as many of her passwords as possible.

Sure, some will say this is unethical, or does not show strength of character, but I will let you in on a little secret... there's and EXTREMELY fine line between love and hate, and when you tell her those words you will have crossed it. And if she's anything like my wife, anything will be fair in war.

At first, I did not tell anyone that I was checking her email account or facebook. Not even my family or best friends knew that I was snooping. It became part of my daily ritual. Check my email, my facebook and then hers. And it paid off... I learned things she was planning with her lawyer, that allowed me time to prepare myself. I learned who she was telling about my sexuality, and the reactions they were returning to her. I learned about games she was going to play with my access. I learned about the ups and downs in her feelings.

Nothing of what I read was pleasant. It hurt to read her pain and hear how it was making her react. It hurt to hear her family put me down, and describe their hate for me. It hurt to hear the threats of my safety and my family's safety that they were planning.

I had access to this information for months. I checked faithfully throughout the day, hoping to gain some insight to so I could be prepared to any tricks she or her lawyer might pull. And there was a lot of information that I gained that helped my lawyer and I make decisions on how to proceed in securing my access to my son.

Why she didn't think to change her password blows my mind, but for those months, I had an inside track to her thoughts and interactions regarding me. I printed off emails and screen-scraped facebook pages. A lot of those thoughts angered me, and biting my tongue has never been my strong suit. I'm someone who generally takes things for a period of time before I blow up and have to confront someone.

In this period of my life I learned the strength it took to keep my mouth shut and just be an observer. And perhaps, that knowledge I gained made me be more constructed in the way I fought for my son. I had to make calculated moves on conversations I had, in order to not let her know I had that inside information.

All and all, I suggest learning her passwords. It wasn't something I told everyone that I knew, but it certainly allowed me to be more prepared in fighting for my son. The one fight I couldn't stand to lose. All is fair in fighting for access to your children.

Why is it so rare?

So I have had quite a broad spectrum of reactions to my coming out as a gay man, after being married. I suspect it's not really that different for any gay man, but definitely something to really think about.

Why is it so rare to receive a response of sympathy? Now, before I piss anyone off... I don't mean... oh I feel sorry for you because you're gay... or sucks to be you, you freak. I don't agree with either of those statements... this is who I am and I'm okay with it... I don't feel abnormal in the least. In fact, now that I'm coming out, I feel more normal than I ever have.

I am talking about a reaction where the friend, family member, or co-worker... who ever they are says, wow I feel really bad that you had to grow up, or live life as an adult and feel like you had to hide part of who you are. That you've felt that your family or friends would judge you in a way that you might have felt bad about your sexual orientation.

Why is it so rare?

I am not looking for anyone in my life to feel like I deserve more sympathy than my ex-wife or son, for all that they have gone through or are going through... but I am looking for more understanding at the challenge that I faced in my decision to admit to the world that I'm a gay man. And that my not fully recognizing that until I was married, owning a house and raising a child only made it that much more difficult to admit.

Want to runaway

So I'm having one of those days where I want to runaway... escape reality by packing up my shit and heading somewhere new.

I have had a lot of these days over the past year. Most were during the period where I had to fight with my ex or the in-laws to see my son, on the regular schedule we had been using since she moved out. It was a time where I felt so defeated, and if I wasn't going to win anyway, then why stay and fight. But I stayed and I won.

Right now my dis-content cannot be as directly linked to one specific thing. Sure I'd love to have my son in my house everyday, and I could check on him as he slept everynight... but I've kind of accepted that isn't reality. I think it's stemming from my career path. I'm not feeling fulfilled in my career, but the money is good, and the position has stability that I need. And maybe it's that I'm not feeling the most secure in the quasi-relationship that I'm in.

Last night, I was hanging out with a new friend and the one I'm in the quasi-relationship calls while I'm out and slips out that he's going to hang out with his ex-bf. I know that they've broken up, and I trust that he just wants to be friends... but I'm worried. There was a slip during the initial part of their break up and when I'm starting to hang out with a new friend I'm concerned it's could be a kind of payback out of worry. And I know the ex-bf still wants the one I'm with.

And to compound the problem... our relationship is underwraps at this point, to save other people's feelings, until we feel it's a reasonable amount of time after breakups for us to be dating.

Sorry for the rant, but other than my therapist no one knows the full story. I need to get it out... and hope that somewhere in Internetland...someone is understanding where I am and letting me know that this too will pass.

I want to be in a happy healthy relationship and have a career I am content with... when will that day come??

Did I trick her into marrying me?

So when I broke the news to my wife that I was gay she wondered how long I knew. Why had I entered into a marriage when I was gay? I thought about that question a lot. Had I known I was gay when I got married? Had I known when I proposed? Had I known when we moved in together?

Honestly, I don't think I did know. Some people I have come out to say they always knew and were just waiting for me to admit it. Are there blatant signs I should have noticed and known without a doubt?

What about the times when I would catch myself watching other boys or men where ever I was and beating myself up about it. For some reason thinking it was wrong to watch males and not females. Should I have known then?

Or what about being bullied throughout grade school with people calling me names, asking me if I was a girl. Should I have known then? And then I got to adolescense. And I dated girls. Got turned on by them. I masterbated just like every other guy my age. I would sneak into my Dad's porn collection and find all of it arousing. Whether it be guy/girl or girl/girl. It was all a turn on. Then I remember how my fantasies during masterbation would change and I'd be more focused on what guy was fucking the girl, or what his cock looked like, or his body. I didn't want to be gay but something in my head was making me pay attention to males more than females. I would swear to myself that I would only masterbate if I thought about the girl and not the guy. I would pray to God that I could be "normal" and only want to be with a girl. I guess looking back it should be quite obvious that I would probably end up being a gay man. But I guess society got the better of me and I was ashamed of the reality in my head that didn't match what I thought was going to be accepted.

In answer to the question... NO. I did not know I was a gay man. I did not foresee that I would ever get divorced. I had not entered into the relationship in order to maintain a "straight" image. I entered into the marriage because I loved my wife and marriage was the next logical step.

I think the confusing part for anyone out there questioning their sexuality is that you don't realize fully that what you feel isn't quite "normal" according to society. I'm not saying North America hasn't come a long way, but I think most would agree that we still live in a predominantly "straight" society.

My hope is that within this next generation, they will grow to feel normal no matter what their sexual orientation. Prop 8 in California definitely held back progress to a certain degree... but I'll talk about that some other day.

In closing, I'd like to share the fact that I am going through all of this struggle to come out and be honest with myself and others in part to help reach that level of acceptance for the future generations. I hope I am a pioneer of sorts and that my son will grow up with a Gay Dad and that will become normal in our society. It will never be something that his friends whisper about behind his back. If we're not ashamed of it, I hope it takes the fire out of the negativity he may receive.

Where am I today...

So it's Thursday, March 5th and I'm sitting on my couch next to my son. He's four years old and watching a dvd on and eating supper. We're starting to find our rythmn. It seemed when my wife first left our marital home and we were sharing custody (without issue) things with my son hadn't changed all that much. When he was with me he was in the home he had always known and sleeping in his own bed. Things were quasi-normal for him.

Then when the house was sold and I moved back to my parents home things changed. He was a bit withdrawn and I found myself to be a bit out of sorts myself. I wasn't comfortable in my parents home... it wasn't mine. It wasn't the house I took from bleek and out of style and comfort to a home I was proud to show off and took pride in sharing the projects I had taken on myself. I also didn't realize that no longer being in the home my son always knew as his, would make him need me to actively spend more time entertaining him, or else he would sit like a zombie in front of the tv. But mentally, I wasn't the best father. I was preoccupied with all of the clutter that had filled my life. The new job, the course I had signed up for (in hopes of furthering my career someday), the thoughts of the games my wife began to play with her lawyer, the loss of some friends we had as a couple, the loss of my in-laws whom I had always been very close with. I would spend time checking facebook and email looking for clues that might tell me what she was up to... trying to prepare myself in any way I could, so I'd win whatever battle she'd wage next. It was exhausting and pulled me from my son.

Finally one day, for some reason, I was standing in the kitchen using my laptop when I looked in at my son on the couch, where I sit right now, and he looked like a zombie watching tv. I couldn't be that Dad. I couldn't let my son's life with me pass by and him not have any real memories of time with me. I never got along with my father. I never had the fun memories with my father that my friends had with theirs... I had always promised that wouldn't be my relationship with my son, yet it was essentially happening. I shut my laptop and went in and snuggled him. I apologized to him and he asked for what. I didn't tell him why... that I had become a bad father... but I made a vow to myself that I would make great memories with him. Sure he wouldn't have the "picture perfect" cliched family you saw on tv when I was growing up, but it didn't mean he couldn't have the best relationship with his Dad... it didn't mean he had to grow up feeling like he missed out on something. It's been a couple of months since I had that revelation, but there are still days that I start to get preoccupied... but I catch myself and switch it off... the time with my son is valuable. Before I know it he'll be too big to want to spend time at home in the evenings with his Dad when he can be out with his friends. I'm going to enjoy it.

I still have a long road ahead of me... but where I am right now... sitting on a couch next to my son, just being is where I am today and where I want to be.

My fear about being gay.

So I'm coming to realize that I have a huge fear about being gay... and it's not even really just because I'm a gay Dad. My fear is that by giving up my marriage, I also gave up on a long-term relationship possibiliy, that would have survived past retirement, and probably to the end of my life.
I know that I've only been single for less than a year, but I'm realizing that I hate being alone. I hate not having that companionship. I like having someone to come home to, or having someone come home to me. Someone to eat with, someone to care for and take care of. I like to share my life.
Sure, I'm sane and dateable, but will I ever find someone who is as into me as I am into them. Someone who will want to snuggle with me for decades to come. Someone who wants to make memories with me?
The nights that I sleep alone in bed, or in my empty house physically hurt my heart. I can physically feel pain in my chest, as I miss someone. When I finally get to sleep, I wake up periodically checking my cell phone for a missed call or text, and I feel that empty side of the bed, hoping someone slipped into it that I can shift over to and feel their warmth and comfort.

And the fear is compounded by the fact that I'm a father. And I would NEVER give up my son. That's a non-issue. The issue, is that I fear that my ability to find that long-term bond with some man is even harder cause many gay men probably didn't want to have children in their lives. Didn't expect to share their boyfriend or partner with a child.

So I close off tonight in my empty bed. I am thinking of someone special I wish was next to me and pray that they will be the one to fill up my heart and years to come with many happy memories.

I'm a single gay Dad

So I am going to try and keep some sort of momentum and continue to write, on what I hope is a regular basis. Like the title of this post states, I am a single gay Dad. I am not raising my son alone. I have shared custody with my soon to be ex-wife. I esentially have a 50/50 arrangment, which was in no way easy for me to attain.
When we were happily married, my wife and I shared all of the duties associated with raising our child. I got up for night feedings, I changed diapers, I cleaned and boiled bottles, I gave all of the baths when he was first born, cause she was afraid to drop him. I snuggled and read him books and had a ritual of having quite time in his room after he was asleep and before I went to bed where I'd sneak in and listen to three breaths before I'd go to bed myself. I was a good Dad with a strong bond... just as strong I would argue as his mother.
Strangely, after we seperated all of that was forgotten. I suddenly was the enemy, no matter how much my son still needed me. I was his Dad, but I was gay. Apparently, that aspect of sexual orientation was going to cloud my ability to be a good father in the future.
I went from a life of seeing, holding and loving my son EVERYDAY to every other day, in the beginning of the seperation, to at the worst point only a couple of days a week. I didn't take it laying down. I had a good lawyer that I trusted and filed to take her to court, when she decided I only needed to see him every other weekend and one day on the weeks I didn't have him for the weekend. I was devistated to be honest. I told someone who had been my best friend my deepest secret and not that I expected acceptance, but I didn't expect for her to forget who I was. The one thing that defined me most was being a Dad and she forgot I could do that... and at times probably better than any man she knew in her life... certainly better than any man in her family, and possibly mine.
The seperation took it's toll on all of us. I can't speak for her, but I can speak for myself and in part for my son. My son was and probably is still very confused. He didn't understand why Mom and Dad weren't ever with him together, or why Mom and he had moved to his grandparent's house while Dad stayed in his home and got ready to sell the house. He didn't understand the tears, or the fighting we tried unsuccessfully to never do in front of him. He was confused and felt pain. Pain I would do anything to take away from him. I just pray that he's young enough to never remember the hardest of days.
I also found myself wrapped up in my own feelings and forgot how to be that Dad I always was. Initially, I thought I had to keep him busy when we were together. I had to be fun so he'd want to be with me. And there were times where I was too quiet, lost in the feelings I was having. The all consuming fears of not being happy again, and that I had ruined everyone else's lives. But some how my son got my focus turned back around. He just wanted to spend time with me. Reading a book, or snuggling, or just hanging out. And I found how to be that good father again... someone I am proud of. I'm a single gay Dad.

I wonder where to start...

I'm not sure if anyone will ever find this blog, or you find it will you be interested enough to come back... I just don't know. I think maybe I'm reading this as a theraphy of sorts for myself, and maybe, just maybe it will help someone else out there struggling to find themselves be successful in being true to themself.

I guess I'll start with the present state I'm in and work back a bit... and who knows I might jump around a lot, all in the attempt to share my personal story with hopefully someone who reads it.

It's the first day of 2009 and I am a single father. I'm single because last year I admitted to my wife that I was gay. GAY. It was a notion I never fathomed that I would ever say out loud or even really admit to myself. In fact I believed for years that I wasn't gay. Maybe I was bisexual. Or maybe everyone had these feelings. I don't know. Psychology and sociology were not my majors in university. My belief at this point, and I heard this from someone... so I'm not saying I made it up... but that sexuality is a spectrum and everyone fits in the middle somewhere. I had to admit I was farther to the gay end than I had ever tried to exhibit publicly.

So yeah... it's the first day of 2009. I'm almost seven months into my separation and have good days and bad days. I miss parts of my old life, but like the feeling of contentment that I never had when I was trying to be something I wasn't. I have moved back to my parent's home, got rid of the majority of my personal belongings in my move, and have had to deal with the roller coasters of feeling I personally had about my life and who I am, as well as the very volitile roller coaster of my ex-wife. I had to fight to maintin my rights to my child and the right to (50%) a shared parenting plan. And all the financial stuff is still not out of the way.

From the day I told my wife until today has been a life time of thought. I never thought I'd make it, but with great friends and family, and the right therapist, I am doing fine and know I'll be okay.

So to end for today... this blog is about my journey to become the man I've always been... and just maybe couldn't see or admit to myself. I will be happy. We will all be happy. Thanks for reading.