I'm back Bitches!

Hello Internet Friends

I'm sure no one even checks this blog by now because I've been missing in action, but I figured what the heck, I'm gonna start writing again.

So I just paused this entry to see when the last time I wrote was, and where I was in my life... wow I have some catching up to do...

So when Him came home I met him at the airport. I had gone the rest of the week missing him, mainly because I was reminiscing about our relationship and realizing that it was completely over. I picked Him up at the airport and took him home. I looked around his apartment realizing that it was one of the last times I'd surely be there. I also let those feelings get away from me and I was aggressively sexual. It was hot and passionate and I didn't really care what he wanted, I took what I wanted. It was very explosive for both of us.

The next few days were filled with work and me going back and forth on how and when I would finally confront Him. And then Thursday, while I was at work, I called him and his tone was different. I realized immediately what would cause this to happen. Him being too busy to talk at work and be short with me meant he was upset and had nothing at all to do with being busy. But I played along because work was not the time or place.

That evening we had it out. He attacked me for hooking up with his ex's new boyfriend and I laid into him about the fact that he played me for a fool for the last year and a half and how nothing he said or did mattered to me. That I was done. There were a lot of things thrown at me and I just wasn't hearing it. And in reality I had closed that door emotionally months before (November I think). And when he realized those things were not hurting me he switched gears and attempted to reconcile through begging me to stay. Give him another change. He would do anything I wanted. Give me anything I wanted. That he loved me unlike anyone he had ever met. And I believe that. I think he loved me but I don't think he knows how to be in a healthy relationship (something that ended long before).

Part of me wondered if I was strong enough to finally stand up for myself and be single. Could I really be alone? Sleep alone every night? Give up my best friend? But then I thought about how hurt I was when I found out he sexually cheated on me and the promises he made. I thought about all the pain I had gone through in my separation to try and be completely happy and this is not something I went through it all for. And really, I must remember that my son needs to see healthy relationships and this wasn't one.

There's a quick recap of the end. The summer proved to have more drama with Him. I also had some great sexual experiences and this week a couple of my friends asked me to have a threesome in the near future. If there is interest I will expand on summer 2010.

Reinforcement

Him is away. He is on vacation with a group of friends in the Mayan Riveria. This part doesn't bother me in the least. In fact, I was invited but for budgetary restrictions I have opted not to go. I'm actually impressed with myself for not saying... Fuck it, I deserve a vacation. Cause I wanted to get away this year, but I know how important it is for me to get my debt back down, so I sucked it up and stayed here at home.

Anyway... a strange thing happened this week, which aligned a number of stars or planets or whatever to make sure destiny interveined. And the intervention happened when I went on squirt.org. A site I have been on and off of over the years. Wednesday evening, I was on with half an intention to have some lite fun.

I came across a profile that piqued my interest. I emailed the guy seeing if he was also looking to have some (less than) innocent fun. And he came back with an affirmative. The guy ended up being a good looking guy in good shape and asked me to meet him for coffee. I agreed and headed out. I got to the coffee shop and didn't see anyone that looked like the picture that he emailed me, but since we had exchanged cell phone numbers, I decided to stick around. I ordered a drink and stood outside enjoying a drummer who was playing on the corner and kept an eye on anyone passing who might be looking at me.

A few minutes of waiting and my cell starts vibrating in my pocket. I answer and it's this guy, M. He apologizes for being late and gives me some random excuse but he is on his way. I decide I will head in his direction and start walking a few blocks before I run into him. I am happy to see that he's even more attractive than the pic he emailed.

One of the first things he said is that he has a boyfriend and that he's away. He wanted to be open about the fact. I accept it. I'm not the one cheating AND if anything it probably reduces any risk I am making myself susceptable to. Then a couple of blocks further down the road, he said that he recognizes me and that his boyfriend knows me.

I am flashing back through anyone I may have met in the past that had a boyfriend. Is there anyone in my circle of gay friends that has a boyfriend and I haven't met... and nothing comes to mind. And this guy certainly doesn't seem upset, like he found out his boyfriend had cheated before and some how had involved me in that situation. And then finally he says, wait a second, I have a picture of him on my cell phone. He pulls up the picture and BAM it's the ex of Him.

So, it's at that point where M starts to panick, to some degree, that he shouldn't have met me. That he shouldn't have been online and that he's afraid that I will talk. I ensure him that I will not be talking... this guy doesn't realize that I have been involved with Him. He just knows about Him and it's been causing problems.

I say... Oh, I didn't think that Him and the ex, J, were talking anymore. And M spills that there are continuous phone calls, which have become more secretive over the last few months, because it's an issue in their relationship. That Him bought J a birthday gift in January. That there was a time that he caught J in a lie about talking with Him.

And there it is, slapping me in the face. I have made the right decision to stay apart from Him. Cause even after that last straw that broke the perverbial camel's back, their conversations continue... and it's still a secretive issue. Only now, instead of hiding it from me alone, J is also hiding it on his side. BUT if you have NOTHING to hide, why are you hiding it?

DONE!! It's all been reinforced this week, all in a freak coincidence of meeting M.

Not sure when this knew knowledge will be addressed. Not sure how I will explain learing this information, when I bring it up. The only thing I know for sure is that, this is too much for me to not address at some point.

I'm okay being single. I've been told I'm a catch and based on the majority of gay men in this city, I'm learning to trust that opinion.

I'm in love

I am a bit of a facebook creeper. If I see a handsome guy tagged in a pic of a friend, I will click on their name to see if they have an open facebook profile. Heck, I do that with girls too, or anyone who piques my interest for some reason.

Anyway, I came across a cute guy in someone's pictures and he has a profile that allows me to look through his pictures. He is probably 27ish, fit, handsome, good dresser and looks like he has a great group of friends. Sadly, he lives in Toronto, but his home is here, so he'll always have a tie to my city and hopefully through time I will have a chance to meet this man.

I never thought that it was possible when I hear stories like this... and I know I sound slightly insane... but seeing his picture was love at first sight. And I'm not talking lust at first sight... like I actually think he's meant to be my partner (I know it sounds crazy and unreasonable but there is just something about him).

He gives me hope that there is someone out there who is perfect for me. That I don't have to settle for someone I am just compatible with, but that there is someone that looks so good that I will melt and will be an amazing guy too.

Strangely, I had a dream about him this morning just before I woke up. He and I were talking and getting to a point where we were surely going to agree to going on a date. We had both, informally, admitted to a shared attraction. It was a dream I was sad to wake up from.

Oh, please let me be lucky enough to see him in my dreams tonight. And perhaps let the adventure with him continue in my dreams for the weeks to come.

I'm in love with a stranger that I will possibly never set eyes on in person. He has probably never even heard my name or noticed me in any tagged friends pictures, but he has a piece of my heart... and can have the whole thing, whenever he wants it.

Just can't shake it.

I just cannot shake this feeling that I have totally screwed my life up and that I am a complete failure. I keep trying to push those feelings down and let time pass, because time is supposed to heal everything.

Here I am almost two years into a seperation and I am not a happy man. I have a career that is great on paper, but I could care less about. I don't quite have the financial freedom I had hopped to have. I still haven't purchased a new home, so I'm living back in my parent's house. Imagine that as an adult. And I am completely single. That part I'm not hating, because at least there is less drama in my life.

I know mourning my marriage is a natural part of the cycle, but I really think I might need to start with my therapist again. I am uber emotional all the time. I don't have the strength to fight with my ex when she is trying to cause fights over things like holiday schedules.

Stick a fork in me folks... I'm not just done. I'm well-done. In fact the juices are not just running clear, they have completely dried up. I'm a burnt steak of you will!

MMF? FFM?

Bisexual porn is my preference right now... and I would love to fuck around with a chick again. Crave it. Wonder what that means... am I really bi? Or more on the straight end of the gay spectrum. Fuck this fluidity to sexuality can be hard to understand.

Anyway, bisexual porn is what I'm jerking off to again tonight.

Where did that come from??

Saturday night there was a party here in the city at a friend's house. I got ready that night with the intention of going to the party and then heading to a local club to get my dance on. Since the hosts were also a friend of Him, he comes with me.

I enter the apartment and give the customary gay host hug and then scan the room for familiar and/or handsome faces. I notice across the room my main gay circle. I take the time to make a drink and then make my way to the comfort zone.

We stay at the party and I polish off the liquor I brought just in time for my circle to decide that we're ready to leave. We find say goodbye to the crew and head out the back door. The apartment was conveniently located near the club we intended to head to. We make a quick stop at a bank machine and then make our way north towards the club. Then out of no where the guy I was talking to, in front of the circle of friends, kisses me straight on the lips. Well I guess not straight on the lips, more gay on the lips. I look for the reaction on Him's face. And I'm a little shocked myself.

Now the problem is, I'm not quite sure who it was. Was it the early 20's gay guy who took an interest in me when he found out I was a Dad? Or was it the mid-20's guy who is in my circle who doesn't really flirt with me, but I feel like he might have a slight thing for me... I don't know. I wasn't drunk, or at least I didn't think I was... but I don't know who it was. Damn! Oh Saturday night...

Need to read my own body language

I am still in that stage with Him where he wonders where the future lies between us. He is holding out hope, but I think he's slowly realizing that there might not be an us. And me... I'm still in the stage where I think I hold on to Him, but not telling him flat out that there will never be a future. I think he is my crutch. That great guy with potential as a partner and with a career. He's not your average retail hag; he is a professional with mobility anywhere in the world.

But I catch myself; my own body language gives away the fact that I am not moving in a direction that will allow our relationship to progress into being lifelong partners. I sit with my body angled away from him. I won't commit to plans. I don't even want his name to be on the same birthday card we might give a friend. At times I find myself on the phone with him and have nothing to say and I just want to hang up.

I know it sounds like I'm an asshole. And I am an asshole, but I think I need to be. I need to figure out what makes me happy and settle for nothing less. Now that I am away from the relationship I realize how I put myself on hold and sheltered myself a bit. I wouldn't allow myself to develop friendships with guys who he might feel would be competition with him. I just wasn't making me happy and didn't realize it until I reached a point where I wasn't answering to him.

I'm still not where I want to be, but I am in a place where I am okay to be single. I like being alone now. But I have also developed a circle of gay friends who are just a group of guys, not flaming queens. The kind of guys I can sit back and have a beer with, or head out and dance with. Guys who are not about drama. The group of friends I should have had in high school or university.

I will be okay. I think I'm finally realizing that.

his tug-of-war with

Just wanna j.o.??

I may have screw myself over.

I was staying strong at not getting back together with Him. I was making myself the priority and feeling great about the whole thing. Then while hanging out with him one evening he asked if I was interested in jerking off. (Insert head shaking now). I shouldn't have done it. It was just that I feeling of the forbidden. It was quick and to some really cheap porn.

And what's worse is it's happened a couple of times since. And I know that only goes to complicate our sorted relationship all the more. And this last Friday he asked if I was okay for it to become a regular thing. I told him no. That it wasn't fair to him and his feelings. That it wasn't right.

I'm an asshole. I have earned that badge and should be wearing it so everyone knows.

How do I backtrack from here? I don't know, but I am going to have to find a way.

Sleeping Single in a Double Bed

Since becoming single I have been able to catch up on sleep. I now am in bed for at least eight hours a night, during the week anyway. The problem I seem to be facing now is that I wake up a few times through the night and the feeling of being alone has hit me harder than ever.

I guess this is probably the thing I would have gone through, had I truly been alone when my wife and I separated. But here I am facing it on a daily basis. The reminder that I am getting divorced. The reminder that my family is broken and I am the cause. That the damage that has been done is irreversible. I think I wake up through the night thinking that it’s a bad dream that I no longer have my wife as my partner and best friend. Then I open my eyes hoping to see our master bedroom and instead I am faced with the four walls I looked at while going to university and living in my parents home.

I know there are readers out there who are going to say… dude, you just haven’t fully accepted it yet… or… you should have thought about that before you told your wife… or… you made your bed, now lie in it.

And while I was driving last night, I tried to really think about whether I would go back to my old life if my wife asked me to, right now. My thoughts went to how comfortable it was having a family. That comfort level of feeling like you followed the path everyone expects you to follow… university, career, marriage, kids… and having the security of a wife that supported me, and knew what buttons to not push and showed me a lot of love. Then I think about how rough our last couple of years were. Maybe it’s just an ideal part of that life I hold in my mind, because surely it was better than being alone.

Then I think about the things I would be giving up. I would have to shut off a whole part of my life again. I would have to pretend to feel fulfilled in the bedroom. I would have to pretend to be straight around other people. And I would have to give up the drinking and dancing with the guys. And all of the great friends I made over the last couple of years. Some truly great friends who make me realize it’s completely okay to be gay. That there was nothing I should have been hiding ever in my life, because it is part of who I am.

So I guess I have come full circle in my thinking; that if I really think about my situation now, and the option (if it was there) to go back and reunite with my wife, that I have to face the fact that my life is forever changed. No matter how much either of us wanted to, there really is no going back. I am not the same person I was two years ago, and she probably isn’t either. And that even though I may live with some regret now, in making the choice to open up to her, it was one that was necessary because I was unfaithful. It is better to end the relationship on the terms we did, than to get caught in a situation that would hurt her even more. And being unfaithful was something I was ashamed of, but it was a craving that became something I couldn’t ignore.

I did the right thing. I just have a bit more healing to do to fully realize and accept it.

Saturday night

It's strange to think of where I would have been mentally last year and see where I stand today. Last year, if I was sitting home alone on a Saturday night, I would have been wondering what Him was up to behind my back. I would be scanning facebook for any sign of what he might be up to. I would be trying to call or text Him to see where he was.

But here I am a year later, and I haven't even seen him in a few days, and barely spoke to him in the last 24 hours and it doesn't bother me. I fully capable and able to go out driving to see if he's home, or out at a bar, or at someone's place, but I don't care.

He could be having sex with someone else, and I know that and must be okay with it, because I am not in the least bit tempted to call him. I'm thinking of flossing, brushing and going to bed.

My healing and rebuilding is definitely working. I have seen changes in my body physically because of my focus on diet and exercise and now I'm taking stock of the fact that I'm okay with being single and not dependant Him anymore.

Got Cruised.

So I go to yoga, alone as usual. I head to the changing room and rip off my street clothes and put on my yoga gear, fill up my water bottle and head back out of the changing room door when a handsome young guy is on his way in. We make eye contact as we pass, but I figure he's just another college kid with maybe a glimmer of interest, or maybe, and more realistically just wishful thinking on my part.

I go into the studio and put my mat down at the front of the class. I stretch and wait for class to start. As is customary, in the first pose of the class, I scan the class to locate the college kid and any other hot guys that might be in the class. Just the regular inventory that I do every class I attend.

After class I notice the same guy in the changing room. He's got a bit of a strut and walks around the changing room after his shower completely naked and not embarrassed by his body, and he shouldn't be. He is in great shape and knows it.

I hop in the shower, get cleaned up and then grab my clothes and get dressed. And on a few occasions I notice him looking my way. Not getting any response from me, and probably not wanting to lurk around more than is acceptable he goes out to the lobby to leave. I quickly throw on my clothes so I can get another look and maybe make some more eye contact to confirm he was interested in me, and it wasn't just hopeful thinking.

In the lobby he clearly locks eyes with me and holds it the same length I do too. I mentally am aware I am being cruised, and it's someone I would totally be into. He soon leaves but stalls right outside the door looking back a couple of times. I say goodbye to the instructor and head out the door. He's walking in the same direction I am going, only he's on a cell phone. I follow close behind hoping he'll turn around and smile. No luck. Finally we come to a point where I have to turn left towards my car and he's going straight. He looks in my direction but is still on the phone so I can't even offer a "hello".

I speed walk to my car and make the decision that I will drive by and if I get acknowledgement I will offer him a ride. But I must have taken too long because he's out of sight. I drive a few streets in the area and cannot locate him. I give up and think about how desperate I must look and turn towards home. And a few blocks north I see him. Holy shit.

Suddenly, I am the cruiser. I drive by and catch his attention at a set of lights. He smiles as he crosses the street in front of me. I keep driving and see he has turned around to see where I'm headed. I pull a uturn and head back. Slow down next to him and offer him a ride. He accepts...

He hops in my car and gives me directions to his apartment. I ask if he wants to grab a coffee or something and he agrees. I stop in front of his place and he says that he'd like to have a quick shower because he didn't remember to bring his soap to yoga and wants to freshen up. He asks if I want to come up. I of course accept the offer.

We talk for a bit and then he hops in. I make a few phone calls and then he's out, in just his towel. Inside I'm drooling. The guy couldn't be any hotter. He's handsome, fit and confident. He rummages around for something to wear and is soon dressed. We talk some more about the city and have a glass of water. Each of us taking the chance to stand closer to each other. Then just before we are about to leave he asks if he can kiss me. MELT.

I agree and he slowly moves in. We kiss passionately. Holy crap, this is really happening. And the more we kiss the more he is slowly moving backwards until he reaches the edge of his bed. We make out for a while and then my hands are all over his chest and soon I am licking his nipples and feeling for his belt.

In no time, I have his pants off and I'm licking his cock thru his underwear and he's moaning and pushing his crotch into my face. I can't help it, I have to taste his cock. I'm so into him, watching his eyes and seeing him enjoy it, that I don't even care if I get off myself.

I suck his dick for a while until he's begging me to stop or he's going to blow. Then I give his nuts some attention. He's love it, but I don't stop there. I work my way behind his balls and lick his taint until he's moaning. And then I spread his ass cheeks and he's going crazy. I rim his hot hole until he is making puddles of precum on his tight stomach.

Then we switch positions for a while and he's sucking my dick. And he's pretty good. Definitely into trying to please me. I'm in awe of this beautiful man pleasuring me that I am trying to etch the imagine in my brain. And then I'm the one asking him to stop. He does and crawls up my body to fuck my face. I'm loving the feeling of him pounding my throat and using me for his own pleasure. Then he stops and sits his hot ass on my face and begs me to eat his ass some more. I gladly lap at is while he jerks his cock above my head.

Then he gets down and lays next to me asking me to blow him until he cums. I gladly do. He's laying on his back spread out and enjoying it until he's ready to blow. I pull off and he blows a massive load onto his stomach. Then he returns the favor for me.

It was the HOTTEST sexual experience of my life. Damn!

So I have been working on my fitness. Trying to get off those evil pounds that I gained during the seperation. It's a struggle for me, as for everyone, but one I am determined to win... again.

It was only a couple of years ago that I was a weight I was happy with, and I got there by simply running 3 - 4 times a week and being more aware of my eating. So far this month, I have been working out 3-4 times a week and trying to eat better, but damn it if there isn't extras sitting around the house from Christmas... chocolate, cookies, chips, pop. And sadly I don't have a lot of will power when those things are in my house and open. If they are brand new I can usually avoid eating them, cause I won't open them, but if it's open I'm no good.

Well... enough sitting here, I better hit the treadmill. If only my abs were as tight and muscular as my legs... I'd be one of the hottest guys in this city.

Time heals, as they say

So after last week's exchange of goods and phone calls, I didn't hear from Him. No calls. No text messages. No online chats. It was dead silence. And that shocked me a little because we had ended the call on Monday evening on a positive note.

Every so often I would get the urge and start to dial or key a text but then stop myself because I had told myself it was up to him to initiate the next contact. That he deserved the space he needed. I would even see him online and think about starting the conversation... hoping for it, but then after a while I would sign off and move onto something else.

Finally, Thursday evening came and I got a call. He said he still wanted to have a face-to-face talk, and although I had come to dread the idea, he of course deserved whatever he needed to move forward. We agreed that at the end of the weekend we would meet.

I ended up going out Friday night with a (female) friend, which was the escape I needed after a hellish work week. We shared a lot of laughs and it was nice to be out and not thinking about answering to anyone to dispel any insecurity.

Saturday, I got up and ran some errands and then when finishing my lunch I got a phone call from Him. It was quite normal except for a slightly muted tone in his voice. He asked a couple of times during the call about whether I would be heading out to one of the gay bars in the city. I said that it wasn't likely, although at that point in my day I had no idea if I was doing anything that night. It also made me aware that if I did, chances are he would be checking it out, to see who I was hanging out with. I asked if he would be interested in seeing Avatar and then talking and he didn't really provide an answering either direction.

Sunday came, I got some groceries and was putting them away when I got a text message from Him. He hates texting but tried to carry on a conversation in this medium and I finally told him to call me because I couldn't text and do dishes at the same time. He called, we agreed on lunch and then a movie. After the movie I asked if he wanted me to come up to talk and he agreed. We sat on the couch and thru some tears he got out that initially last week he thought there was no way he could be my friend. That he wasn't sure how he would heal to have me in his life but the time he spent that week had made him realize that he wanted me in his life in some way rather than not at all. And I told him how I felt and that neither of us knows what the future holds but that I didn't want to give false hope either. That my feelings weren't romantic at this point and who knows what the future brings.

There was a level of relief achieved. Conversation returned to normal and we just enjoyed hanging out. We grabbed sushi for supper, watched a bit of TV and I went home at the end of the night. Things will be okay. Although I never want to hurt this man, it was necessary for him to feel some upset now to save a lot in the future (if things continued to breakdown). We'll see what happens from here on out.

So yesterday afternoon I got an email from Him telling me that he wanted to meet to return items I have left at his place over the last year, and for me to return his items to him. I agreed and also put in a comment that I guess this meant that he clearly did not want to be friends.

Since I had decided to rebuild myself I check out when a yoga class was offered in the evening, so I wasn't wasting my whole evening on being upset. There was one that started at 6pm. I rushed home after work, gathered his things, gathered my yoga things and headed out the door. Unfortunately traffic in the city was in grid-lock and I was forced to miss the 6pm class. I decided instead to head directly to his place and face the music.

To my surprise (who am I kidding I knew he wouldn't be home, but instead be with his best girlfriend bashing the situation, no doubt) he wasn't home. I used my keys to his place and dropped his things off with a note and grabbed the bags of things he had gathered of mine. I took a last look around thinking maybe this was the last time I would see his place and made my way out of the apartment that at one point felt more like my home, than the house I live in does.

I looked at the clock and figured I might as well head back into the city and try for the next yoga class, which I would have plenty of time to make. I found a parking spot and sat listening to music for a while. It was bitter cold out and I figured it was better to wait a bit longer in my warm car. Then my cell phone rings and it's Him. I answer and I can tell from his tone he is not happy.

I let him get a few things out, until my defenses get the better of me and I start laying it into him as well as he's laying it into me. I want to hang up so bad and throw my hands up but I don't. I continue to fight until I have to get to my class. I know it's not impressing him but I need the quiet zen world of yoga to take over my mind. I say goodbye and go in and escape the world.

After class and a cold shower I am walking back to my car and instinctively I dial his number. As it begins to ring I almost hang up but figure I have to have some peace. I tell him I'm sorry that I allowed the last conversation to get out of hand. That I shouldn't have responded to his upset in the way I did and apologize. I also tell him how much he has meant to me but things have become more complicated than I can handle. That I have been fighting guilt issues in my head and am not as put together as I probably look. And that in order to save myself from completely losing him to some big fight I had decided I needed to tell him I felt that we were just friends. That due to the situation with his ex, I have started to protect myself and in doing so withdrew from him. That I was sorry but I couldn't help it. I was starting to shut down because that is how I deal with certain things. My system doesn't deal with a million problems at once. I choose the ones that require my attention most and right now it is my son and my own strength.

He appreciated where I was coming from and thanked me for calling. I know it's not resolved to his liking but I feel like he was able to see things from my point and not from his hurt or rejected standpoint. We ended the call on a positive note around 10pm last night and I am going to leave it in his ball court now for making the next contact.

Time to rebuild

So the holidays were a whirlwind of events, just like most years. As the dust settles and decorations were taken down, I also found myself face-to-face in a conversation about the relationship I have/had with Him.

It was Saturday night and after a night of drinking the topic reared it’s ulgy head. It is a conversation I knew I had to have but didn’t think it was the right time, exactly. But when he was pushing me, I felt he deserved me to be honest. I shared with him that I allowed myself to be hurt more than I should have when I found out he was talking with his ex and that in sheltering my feelings I allowed us to only become friends. And I think that is the jest of it. I cannot figure out what else would be going on in my head because he is a “great catch” if there is one.

He was very upset about it and has refused to talk to me, saying only that we will meet to give back certain things that ended up at each other’s places. I understand his hurt because in his head (from what he told me) he was still seeing this perfect future for us. But I also know there was disappointment in his eyes when he wasn’t getting certain feelings back from me, because I was less invested, and he deserves better than that.

Part of me wants to run back, because maybe he is the one and I’m screwing myself over for some reason. But I have to stick to the ideas that (a) I don’t want to hurt him more than I have and (b) things happen for a reason and if we’re meant to be together then it will all come to play again.

For now, it’s time to rebuild. I am going to focus on my fitness and eating and shed the weight that has found its evil way onto my body. I have lots to keep me occupied with family and work commitments. I know I will be okay. We will all be okay, but I’m afraid I may have lost my best friend.

Kicking my own ass

I'm kicking myself for being pulled back into the relationship. It's not horrible and we are not fighting or anything, but I think I'm over it. I find myself liking the friend part of the relationship, but don't want to cuddle, or really to steam things up.

I have tried going thru the motions and you know... things physically work. But do I feel the spark anymore? No. I have really realized it this time but what do I do? I'm afraid to make any move for a couple of reasons. I don't want to hurt such a great guy and I'm afraid I will regret it.

But I have to remind myself that I made a huge change in my life when I came out to my wife. I did it under the belief that life is too short to be unhappy and not take chances... but here I am again.

I know it's almost Chirstmas and I'm not going to ruin it for him, but I have to really do some soul searching. I need to really make myself realize that I deserve to be completely happy and not just content, just for the sake of someone else. And I know he feels my lack of desire to be in it, but he's too afraid to open that box.

Please... if any of you readers have any advice... good or bad... please share it my way.

Since the breakup

Time to update I guess.

I did break up with Him and did pretty well sticking to my guns. I continued to be his friend and when there were times he wanted to have me sleep over I kept my distance. He went through the highs and lows; the sadness and anger.

I told him that I still loved him but we were in too much an unhealthy place to be together. That of course those dreams of the future I had had too but they didn’t seem realistic when there was no trust in a relationship; that I certainly couldn’t live that way and he shouldn’t want to either.

We had periods of time where we didn’t speak. Times when he fled the city to be distracted by new things, and times when he fled for the comfort of home. All things I respect, but I think he should have taken more time to be completely cut off. To not keep such close contact so he could really heal, but I feared telling him that would make him think that I didn’t want to hear from him again. Just to really clear his head, and maybe take a third-person look at where we were.

Fast forward to over a month later and we have a long talk about things. And much to my own disappointment I agree that we can start and rebuild. I tell him things are not going to be the same and we are not jumping right back in, but will start fresh to some extent. And I say disappointment because I wanted time to really be single and see if that time alone would allow me real time to heal myself from the life I want back.

I don’t know that I should have agreed with his pleading. And we haven’t really made any huge moves yet, other than hanging out with friends and maybe one quick hot experience in the bedroom. I think maybe the holidays were playing some role and his sadness during the season. I wish I was stronger but I don’t want to be a cold-hearted prick either. I don’t want to completely push someone away that might be the best thing for me. Cause I did that with my wife.

This past weekend I went to a Christmas party hosted by a gay couple that I met over the year. He wanted to go with me, but I said that I had RSVP’d that I was coming alone and it was too short notice to tell them different. I wanted to go alone. I wanted to be seen as just me and not part of a couple. I wanted to make my own friends and not be tied to that one person in the corner because I didn’t want to make them insecure. I had a blast. I drank way too much, and flirted and made some new friends and was just “one of the guys”. It was exactly what I needed. Did it make Him happy? No. But it gave me a glimpse of a life I think is just around the corner; one where I am independent and single and okay with it.

We’ll see what time brings. I am not having any expectations. I’m not fully putting my life and future in his hands. I made that mistake before and it’s not who I truly would be happy being.

A few steps ahead?

So we pretty much broke up two weeks ago now. We have hung out a few times and for a while were still talking on the phone a normal amount. But last weekend was when things kind of became reality. I had my son for the weekend, so normally we would have spent more time apart, but at the end of the weekend we had an in-depth discussion.

It was triggered by the fact that, again, I was not willing to stay over night. I don’t know why he expected me. I guess maybe it was more hope than expectation, but either way it brought on a long conversation about things.

He realizes my hurt and inability to trust. He professed his love and defended himself. He pointed at my indiscretions over the year. Pretty much any event that either of us did that hurt the relationship had been brought up by one of us; all things that neither of us felt good about.

By the end I think he realized that we had reached a place where being apart made sense, even if our hearts did not agree. I told him that I wasn’t totally writing us off, in the future, but that I couldn’t be in the relationship right now. He needs me to be as affectionate and open as I had been in the past and the way I feel right now, it’s just not a possibility.

I went home and went to bed. Sleep came okay but it wasn’t restful. I didn’t ask specifically, but I know when he has something emotional going on, sleep does not come for him. The next few days were mainly just meaningless text messages.

And then I emailed him to let him know that I was not heartless and I worried about him, but also made it clear that I didn’t want to give false hope, and that one day I would probably come to regret calling things to an end.

I got a long response, filled with feelings and understanding. One that he had put a lot of thought to and it makes me remember the good times, but strangely it’s not like a part of me is missing. I have rough times, and have been on the brink of tears at times, but I don’t miss everything as much as I expected.

I think I’m enjoying my time alone, a bit. It is giving me some time to do things around the house that I was putting off, and going to a fitness class I love but didn’t have as much time for.

I feel guilty that he is so broken-hearted and I’m doing okay. I wonder if it’s because I have been preparing myself, to some degree, to leave the relationship and he hasn’t. Maybe I’m just a few steps ahead on the path.

Mid-week

So it's mid-week and we have talked a few times, very superficially. Nothing of value in deciding future. That is partly my doing, as I have indicated that I need time to think.

Tonight, I'm sitting at home, while he is out to a movie with a friend. He asked me to go, but I have another commitment, but asked if he could stop in to say hello afterwards. I agreed. I do really miss him, but not as much as I would have expected. In my head, I know we are probably just friends at this point, but after the roller coaster of life with my ex, I find it hard to think about turning it off, and potentially regretting it for the rest of my life.

If I end up maintaining the breakup I want Him to know it's not about me wanting to pursue other men, or sleep around, or anything. It's about me healing. I haven't had the time to get over my marriage. I haven't lived as a single man, in a bed alone at night. I haven't had those lonely nights of just me. And because of his actions with his ex, I have grown to some degree to resent him, which isn't healthy.

I'm trying to convince myself that this breakup could work and that we can get back together in the future when we're in a better place separately. I'm afraid to make a choice, because I don't want to fuck up, but the way things have felt for a while, have made me unhappy in the relationship.

I think at this point, it's all about delivery. If only I was an expert in communications.

If he tries tonight to talk, I am going to put him off. I can't do this tonight. Not that there is a perfect time, but I need to get through my work week. I can't have added emotion and side-track at work.

Damn you Avril Lavigne

When you’re gone… that song by Avril Lavigne about missing someone you love and how your world is incomplete without that person is on Virgin Radio right now. Those lyrics tear at my soul. I remember hearing that song when I was married and things were good. I remember thinking how sad the song was and how true those words can be. And then the video takes it to the next level. It really portrays the words quite beautifully. And the scene where an older gentleman is missing his deceased wife… too much!

Anyway, hearing that song and listening to the words makes me realize how desperately I miss my wife. Having her in my life daily. Laughing with her. Seeing her interaction with my son and not feeling like she is the competition. Protecting her. The plans we had for the future.

A lot of hateful actions were taken against me. A lot of words were exchanged but all of that is overshadowed by the many years of great memories.

Had I simply came out to my wife and we had the clarity of mind to not react at the time, I wonder if we would have found a way to make things work for us as a family unit. And even now a year and a half later I wonder if she would take me back and we could find a way together. In 2009 is there really any “normal” family? Can’t we make up our own rules?

The two things holding me back from sharing these feeling with her are:

1. I don’t want to cause her to regress. I don’t want her to slip into a depression and loose any strength she has developed since the separation.
2. Has the damage done to my relationship with my ex-in-laws too much to get over?

And in a strange fateful event, while typing this post I get an email from my lawyer; someone I haven’t heard from in almost three weeks. It’s a letter from my ex’s lawyer dealing with child support yet again. An issue I tried to resolve last November by offering her the customary amount for a shared parenting plan, but has been ongoing off and on since. It’s a letter I can probably agree with, but after hearing that song I realize how close to divorce I am now. I think by my agreeing to this latest arrangement we could sign off on the divorce within days (in an ideal system). I am not sure I am ready for that.