Damn you Avril Lavigne

When you’re gone… that song by Avril Lavigne about missing someone you love and how your world is incomplete without that person is on Virgin Radio right now. Those lyrics tear at my soul. I remember hearing that song when I was married and things were good. I remember thinking how sad the song was and how true those words can be. And then the video takes it to the next level. It really portrays the words quite beautifully. And the scene where an older gentleman is missing his deceased wife… too much!

Anyway, hearing that song and listening to the words makes me realize how desperately I miss my wife. Having her in my life daily. Laughing with her. Seeing her interaction with my son and not feeling like she is the competition. Protecting her. The plans we had for the future.

A lot of hateful actions were taken against me. A lot of words were exchanged but all of that is overshadowed by the many years of great memories.

Had I simply came out to my wife and we had the clarity of mind to not react at the time, I wonder if we would have found a way to make things work for us as a family unit. And even now a year and a half later I wonder if she would take me back and we could find a way together. In 2009 is there really any “normal” family? Can’t we make up our own rules?

The two things holding me back from sharing these feeling with her are:

1. I don’t want to cause her to regress. I don’t want her to slip into a depression and loose any strength she has developed since the separation.
2. Has the damage done to my relationship with my ex-in-laws too much to get over?

And in a strange fateful event, while typing this post I get an email from my lawyer; someone I haven’t heard from in almost three weeks. It’s a letter from my ex’s lawyer dealing with child support yet again. An issue I tried to resolve last November by offering her the customary amount for a shared parenting plan, but has been ongoing off and on since. It’s a letter I can probably agree with, but after hearing that song I realize how close to divorce I am now. I think by my agreeing to this latest arrangement we could sign off on the divorce within days (in an ideal system). I am not sure I am ready for that.

I'm stalling

The whole legal process involved in the separation has been swift so say the least. From receiving notice from my ex's lawyer to seek counsel within the first month, to me filing for a custody order, and an order to deal with financial issues... it's been a quick year dealing with lawyers.

My ex had wanted to be divorced on the soonest date possible, and that could have been by the end of June. And here it is the end of September and I find myself stalling. I received the latest correspondence from my lawyer, trying to tie up the final straws in a "Consent Corollary Relief Judgement", about two weeks ago. It was like being hit in the face. The thought that the relationship that has lasted more than half my life, would officially be over is terrifying. Part of it is probably related to the fact that I'm having a lot of remorse about coming out (in the sense that my life with my wife was over).

I don't want to be divorced. I don't want my wife to be divorced. I don't want my son to have divorced parents. But one thing I remembered was a point I made to myself when debating whether or not to come out and that was the fact that I had cheated on my wife and didn't want to be a cheater. I didn't want to be that person and I was ashamed of my actions. She deserved better. I'm trying to hold onto that thought now to get me through this final legal step.

Wishlist... custody

A few things I wish that I had been more diligent about or didn't give up on during the drafting of the court order for access/custody of my son...

I wish I had not settled for less than 50%. From the day she moved out of the house and took my son with her, I told her I would not settle for less than 50% of his time. Part of that thought could be looked at as me being selfish, but my goal was for him to have maximum time with each qualified, active and loving parent. We were both good parents. He benefited from interacting with each of us, why wouldn't 50/50 work?

For those Dads like me, who ache for their children when they are not around, a 50/50 arrangement can work. I drive an extra hour every trip to get him or drop him off before and after work and it's all worth it. My best days are the ones I have him with me.

I had also sought the advice of a child psychologist before filing for court to see what was best for my son, given the relationship he had had with both parents when we were married and she said to stay as close to his normal routine as possible, which would be 50/50. It fell on deaf ears with my ex. I offered for her to go talk to the psychologist too and she refused. I did what I saw best for him.

I ended up settling for taking 3 of every 7 days. That's pretty close to 50/50 but still thrown in my face whenever the opportunity arises. In fact today she said that she still thinks he should be in one bed every night. Even though it's not realistic, she feels that would be more beneficial than the arrangement we have now.

I also wish that I had stipulated that I not be the only one to drop him off. That was thrown in my face yesterday.

I agreed to that because I felt that it was not a point worthy of arguing over, because I will do anything for my son. I would pick him up at the north pole if she got re-married to Santa Claus, because I love the time with him.

Sure it's inconvenient, and I had to face her hateful family during transition times, but I made a point to not be intimidated. I have always removed my sunglasses and looked them in the eye. Why? Because my son should not be forced to endure adults being childless. Unfortunately, her family cannot see things the same way. Here it is a year and a half later and I still can't get a hello, or a comment about his day. NOTHING. And not that I care to talk, but I think for my son, it would show a healthy relationship that people can have because he is that important in all of our lives.

I also wish that I had made sure that it was clearly written in stone that I get one full week with him every year, at my choosing for vacations. I had to beg to have what ended up being less than a week for him to spend with my Mother in the country. And even then, I had to sacrifice other days of my regular schedule to get her to agree. Or the five days I took him to visit my Sister out of province. It was like pulling teeth. But did I put up a fight when she wanted to take him out of the country for the second year in a row for a full week? No. In fact I handed her spending money, so he could buy a few tourist items to remember the trip with her family.

And one of the last things, I wish I had been more diligent about, was a thing called the right of first refusal. I spoke with my lawyer about it, and thought that we had included it, but it probably got lost in the million revisions my ex's douche of a lawyer requested. It is where there's an instance where it's technically my ex's time, but she is not able to be with my son, for whatever reason... be it a work commitment or a date or whatever else she might get up to in the future and I have the right to have him for that period of time, over him being with a babysitter or some other caregiver. And I have the right to refuse it before he is given to any caregiver, but I doubt I ever would.

So there's my wishlist. Things to think about while you are fighting for the right to see your children. I have said it before, if you are ever in my situation, get a good lawyer.

Positive Thoughts.

I thought I'd document my positive thoughts lately.

I'm feeling good about myself. I have been eating better. Even when my son wanted chicken nuggets and french fries from Wendy's, I got a salad. That being said, I should probably say, that I'm not a 300lb gay man that only eats fast food and can't find love, cause I of a horrible outward appearance. I'm actually a good looking guy, who weight around 170lb. I am average for my height, but have been trying to focus more on my fitness and eating because I want to live a long healthy life, want to have a better body image and cause it makes me feel better.

My relationship with Him, has stabled out lately. Could be because there aren't really any other male influences being hung out with. On a side note... apparently his ex is now dating someone else. His reaction was better than I expected.

And while working on a project with a friend, I met four new gay males, that have all added me to facebook. Two of them, I believe were interested in me, which helps boost my confidence. And two of them were engaged... which gives me hope that I will be able to settle down with a hot guy and build a strong foundation with.

On the ex front. Things are calmed down quite a bit, in that we are aware and careful with each other's emotions. Legally, things still slowly tick along. She wants the divorce to take place ASAP but doesn't want to sign the court order for our financial items. My lawyer has guided me, and I trust her judgement, as always.

My son is always good. He's honestly the best son a man could ask for. Perfect.

So there it is. A quick glimpse of positivity in my life. It's not all bad one year in.

Is the end really in sight?

So I just got home from what felt like a long overdue vacation. I'm back in the country for three days and I'm already considering backing my bags and never coming back.

I had left work with a project incomplete. I had asked a senior level co-worker to help on an issue I had been having. An issue which I had spent days on, even working overtime and on my weekend trying to resolve without success. I get back to work and the file had not been touched. GREAT!

On the day I get home I call my ex-wife and request some time with my son. It's not my day, but I haven't seen him in a week. I figure it's pretty self-explanitory, but apparently she's no longer fluent in common sense (oh that's right, I got that in the divorce settlement). So after pointless conversation I'm allowed to pick him up for about three hours.

When I get him he's a little distant. It hurts, but he's only a little boy. Then like being hit by a truck I realize that this is my life. I will never ever have my son in my home full-time, ever again. Tears flood my eyes as I drive from her street. I move the rear-view mirror so he doesn't see me cry. It's been the better part of a year and it's finally settling in. Nothing to date has hurt this much. I never expected to only have a fraction of my son's time. Even now, as I look across my desk at his pictures I have to fight back tears.

And my love life? Well it's more turmoil. I'm at a loss as to whether being in a relationship with anyone is worth the effort. Maybe I just need to be alone. Feel the gravity of my life and find a way to rise above it.

Oh and the final straw came today... over a month after our scheduled court case to settle the financial portion of the seperation and there are further delays, and now new expenses for me. Ones I didn't want to pay, but my lawyer advised I swallow in an effort to minimize cost and frustraton.

I'm not able to concentrate on work, deadlines are looming, I'm broke, I have appointments with bankers, doctors, teachers. I haven't been exercising, or studying, or cleaning the house. I am seconds away from letting the last strands of the rope go and run in opposite direction.

I had a friend say, it's going to get better, and surely it will... but right now it doesn't make me feel better, or pull me from the brink of insanity.

Here is hoping that the strength that's hidden inside me show's it's face again and I get through it without being fired, or quitting, without declaring bankruptcy, without ending relationships and without completely disappearing and changing my name.

Learn her passwords

So if you are a married man out there and are thinking of telling your wife that you are gay I suggest you make sure you have all of the possible bases covered. My tip today, is to make sure you know as many of her passwords as possible.

Sure, some will say this is unethical, or does not show strength of character, but I will let you in on a little secret... there's and EXTREMELY fine line between love and hate, and when you tell her those words you will have crossed it. And if she's anything like my wife, anything will be fair in war.

At first, I did not tell anyone that I was checking her email account or facebook. Not even my family or best friends knew that I was snooping. It became part of my daily ritual. Check my email, my facebook and then hers. And it paid off... I learned things she was planning with her lawyer, that allowed me time to prepare myself. I learned who she was telling about my sexuality, and the reactions they were returning to her. I learned about games she was going to play with my access. I learned about the ups and downs in her feelings.

Nothing of what I read was pleasant. It hurt to read her pain and hear how it was making her react. It hurt to hear her family put me down, and describe their hate for me. It hurt to hear the threats of my safety and my family's safety that they were planning.

I had access to this information for months. I checked faithfully throughout the day, hoping to gain some insight to so I could be prepared to any tricks she or her lawyer might pull. And there was a lot of information that I gained that helped my lawyer and I make decisions on how to proceed in securing my access to my son.

Why she didn't think to change her password blows my mind, but for those months, I had an inside track to her thoughts and interactions regarding me. I printed off emails and screen-scraped facebook pages. A lot of those thoughts angered me, and biting my tongue has never been my strong suit. I'm someone who generally takes things for a period of time before I blow up and have to confront someone.

In this period of my life I learned the strength it took to keep my mouth shut and just be an observer. And perhaps, that knowledge I gained made me be more constructed in the way I fought for my son. I had to make calculated moves on conversations I had, in order to not let her know I had that inside information.

All and all, I suggest learning her passwords. It wasn't something I told everyone that I knew, but it certainly allowed me to be more prepared in fighting for my son. The one fight I couldn't stand to lose. All is fair in fighting for access to your children.

Intimidation

The ability to have access to my son is something I do not take for granted. I had a long drawn-out fight and a lot of tears shed to maintain an almost 50/50 split of his time with my ex-wife-to-be. That does not mean that everything is friggin butterflies and kittens now. There are days where I have to "exchange" him with members of my in-laws because either the ex is at work, or with friends... or whatever.

The last few months have found me reaching a fairly calm level of interaction with my ex-mother-in-law. A bitch, I should not have to be nice to for all of the bullshit she pulled in the battle I had to maintain my rights to my son. But for the sake of my son's mental health, I put on a fake smile and am polite if nothing else. The same cannot be said for that family.

A new example, which caused pain yesterday, was my first face-to-face interaction with the ex's baby brother. A man who I met when he was probably ten years old, and he admittedly doesn't remember life before me being with his sister. A man who I asked to be my best man because he was like a brother I never had by blood. And a man who in the last few years has made many stupid mistakes in his personal life that both put his life and his family's lives in danger.

It went like this. It's almost 5pm, my drop off time. I walk my son up to the front door and ring the door bell. I kiss my son and tell him that I'll see him Wednesday and that I'll miss him. I hear some commotion in the house but still no one answers the door. I continue to talk to my son and try and get him excited to see his Mom. Still nothing. Then the front door finally opens and there he stands, T. I open the screen door and put my son on the floor and put a couple of things I had in my hands down on a table next to the door. T stands there with a look of disgust in his face and hate in his eyes.

My poor son puts his arms out to me and doesn't want me to leave. I immediately have to fight back tears, thinking he doesn't understand and isn't comfortable in one of his homes. I ask where his Mom is, and he says downstairs in her room. I try and explain it to my son, but it doesn't matter. He's too overwhelmed by the situation. Finally, after some waiting and her brother yelling her name, she emerges. I truly believe the whole interaction was constructed to intimidate me, but instead caused my son confusion and pain.

I left him in my ex's arms. And as I backed out of the driveway I am dailing her cell phone. But she doesn't answer any of my three attempts. Luck I guess, because my anger would have gotten the better of me. Instead on the third call I had the smarts to hang up and not leave a message. Instead I cried, remembering the look in my son's eyes and admitting to myself that yes I was intimidated. T is a loose canon that cannot be trusted.

Today, immediately after I post his entry, I am writing an email to my lawyer. I will ask that she send a letter to opposing counsel encouranging his client to ensure that my son is not put in that situation ever again. And if we are forced to have a review of the arrangment, which the ex had propsed during the access settlement in November, then the topic of exchange location and with whom will also be re-examined.

And, I'm also going to suggest that we ask for information about T's intention to stay back in the home my son is living in. He just arrived back in the home after a couple years of living away. My concern is the danger he may also bring to that home, with my son inside.

I have made mistakes in the past, I admit, but I try and keep my son's best interests at heart. When all is said and done, yesterday involved my four year old son standing in the foyer of his grandparent's house confused and upset. Something that could have been avoided if the ex had been able to contain her own or her brother's feelings towards me.

Get a lawyer... quick

My therapist had suggested before I even fully decided to tell my wife that I was gay, that I should get a lawyer, or at the very least the opinion of a lawyer. He suggested that things could get very heated right away and that I needed to protect myself. I had this small window of opportunity to prepare for a coming tornado... a tornado my wife would unleash when she heard me admit my sexual orientation was not what I had portrayed for all of those years.

So when I started to come out (a process I'm not sure is ever really completed) I figured that there would be a gap of time before my wife and I ever discussed the topic of divorce or any other legal issues. I figured there would really be no rush, because neither of us was any where near a point of wanting to get re-married. I didn't get that opinion or retain a lawyer, I just opened up and told her the truth. Perhaps that was a mistake.

I told my wife in early June 2008, she left our marital home in late June... and without me knowing until October 2008, she filed for divorce in July 2008. It was only a matter of weeks after giving her the news she filed for divorce. When I heard that news it hurt. I knew it was a fork in the road we would have to come to, but I didn't realize that she was at that point already.

I did learn, in July, however that she had retained legal counsel. And how did I receive this information? My wife had come to the home to pick up our son, and on her way out she left a letter from her lawyer sitting by the front door. I found it shortly after and felt the punch in the stomach. It was a letter telling me that I needed to retain counsel right away, as legal proceedings in our separation were taking place. Suddenly, another part of the reality hit me and I was completely alone. I went upstairs and cried into the pillow on the spare bedroom bed I was now sleeping in. I couldn't bear to sleep in the master bedroom anymore. That part of my life was obviously over.

Once I got a hold of myself I emailed my therapist and asked him to recommend a lawyer. He recommended a top lawyer, who happened to be gay. That lawyer unfortunately was tied up for the foreseeable future but recommended a junior lawyer at a firm in the city. I immediately called her and set up an appointment. I was hesitant having a junior lawyer, because these proceedings were going to determine my future rights to having access to my son and my financial security going forward. I decided to go for the initial consultation and decide from there.

When I met her I was convinced. She was someone who was not going to be intimidated, told me that divorce is no-fault and that I would be okay. She also told me that her practice is to try and solve things out of court and with as little cost burden as possible.

And now here I am, the better part of the year done, since we split, and I have been successful in retaining my access to my son, on an almost 50% basis, and with fingers crossed over the next couple of weeks, my financial future will be written in a court order. I will update once paperwork has been finalized.

So my suggestion to anyone out there about to come out to a spouse matches my therapist. Seek out a legal opinion prior to telling them. The first consultation is generally free and may be able to give you some insight on what the next few years could bring, before the sky opens up and it starts to rain.

My year, legally, has not been smooth. I had to push for what I wanted and not back down. I had to stand outside my in-law's house and be denied access to my son. I have had to pay bills on behalf of my ex-wife to save her credit. I have had to record conversations all to protect myself.

I am proud to say that it's been really hard to stay calm and hide my feelings, but I can hold my head high, that I've been fairly transparent in dealing with legal issues with my ex-wife. I have not done anything I am ashamed of, in that regard. And I recommend anyone who is going to go through this same battle does the same.

I don't want my son to ever feel that I did anything unfair to his mother. I still love her. I didn't forget who she was. I want my son to know I fought hard for my relationship with him... but I fought fair. I will detail more of that journey in future posts.