Slap in the face

So I went to pick up my son yesterday from the in-law's place, as is the regular routine that we are on. The initial transition was nothing out of the ordinary, but as I am walking with my son, hand-in-hand, I notice the car of my father-in-law pull up. We have had one incident before that comes to mind, so seeing him is never something I look forward to.

As I am walking to the car I notice he is not alone in the car. Since one of the brother-in-laws' truck is in the yard I soon realize that it is him. I usually get silent attitude from him and since I have known him since he was a child, I have learned to ignore him. He's the type of guy who you don't even talk to until noon because he is so cranky in the mornings.

But then I notice a third occupant getting out of the car. It's another of the brother-in-laws. And I felt like I was slapped in the face. Panic. I continue to speak with my son and get him into his car seat, without letting myself be visibly effected. The panic is not out of fear or even the slightest thought of any confrontation. It stems from the fact that he was the one I was closest to in the family, other than my wife. We were close friends and shared a lot of intimate feelings with each other, about topics including other's perception of homosexuality towards us. He is someone I rarely see because he lives out of province but within the last few weeks he has deleted me off facebook. I know that it's facebook and really isn't worth much of anything, but he was the only one to keep me on his friends list, and we had exchanged an email about respect and missing each other back when everything came to pass. I had no idea what prompted me to be deleted but it happened and seeing him made me fear his reaction. Was he going to ignore me? Would he give me a look of disgust? Or would he acknowledge me like nothing has changed?

I was in the car, waiting to back out of the driveway once they passed (for safety sake). First one brother-in-law, who didn't even turn his head to look into my car. Then the second came. I pointed him out to my son, because he is his favorite uncle and the brother-in-law looked into the car, straight at me and gave a wave and a muted half-smile. He kept walking into the house and then the father-in-law passed and I was free to go.

I backed out of the driveway and as I drove out of the subdivision I became aware of the physical pain you get when you're really upset. And tears welled up in my eyes. I miss him desperately and part of me thinks from his acknowledgement, he misses me too.

When it came down to things over the years of knowing him from a young teenager to now, we have become true brothers and that bond is still there, even if it is not appropriate for us to share that relationship anymore.

Intimidation

The ability to have access to my son is something I do not take for granted. I had a long drawn-out fight and a lot of tears shed to maintain an almost 50/50 split of his time with my ex-wife-to-be. That does not mean that everything is friggin butterflies and kittens now. There are days where I have to "exchange" him with members of my in-laws because either the ex is at work, or with friends... or whatever.

The last few months have found me reaching a fairly calm level of interaction with my ex-mother-in-law. A bitch, I should not have to be nice to for all of the bullshit she pulled in the battle I had to maintain my rights to my son. But for the sake of my son's mental health, I put on a fake smile and am polite if nothing else. The same cannot be said for that family.

A new example, which caused pain yesterday, was my first face-to-face interaction with the ex's baby brother. A man who I met when he was probably ten years old, and he admittedly doesn't remember life before me being with his sister. A man who I asked to be my best man because he was like a brother I never had by blood. And a man who in the last few years has made many stupid mistakes in his personal life that both put his life and his family's lives in danger.

It went like this. It's almost 5pm, my drop off time. I walk my son up to the front door and ring the door bell. I kiss my son and tell him that I'll see him Wednesday and that I'll miss him. I hear some commotion in the house but still no one answers the door. I continue to talk to my son and try and get him excited to see his Mom. Still nothing. Then the front door finally opens and there he stands, T. I open the screen door and put my son on the floor and put a couple of things I had in my hands down on a table next to the door. T stands there with a look of disgust in his face and hate in his eyes.

My poor son puts his arms out to me and doesn't want me to leave. I immediately have to fight back tears, thinking he doesn't understand and isn't comfortable in one of his homes. I ask where his Mom is, and he says downstairs in her room. I try and explain it to my son, but it doesn't matter. He's too overwhelmed by the situation. Finally, after some waiting and her brother yelling her name, she emerges. I truly believe the whole interaction was constructed to intimidate me, but instead caused my son confusion and pain.

I left him in my ex's arms. And as I backed out of the driveway I am dailing her cell phone. But she doesn't answer any of my three attempts. Luck I guess, because my anger would have gotten the better of me. Instead on the third call I had the smarts to hang up and not leave a message. Instead I cried, remembering the look in my son's eyes and admitting to myself that yes I was intimidated. T is a loose canon that cannot be trusted.

Today, immediately after I post his entry, I am writing an email to my lawyer. I will ask that she send a letter to opposing counsel encouranging his client to ensure that my son is not put in that situation ever again. And if we are forced to have a review of the arrangment, which the ex had propsed during the access settlement in November, then the topic of exchange location and with whom will also be re-examined.

And, I'm also going to suggest that we ask for information about T's intention to stay back in the home my son is living in. He just arrived back in the home after a couple years of living away. My concern is the danger he may also bring to that home, with my son inside.

I have made mistakes in the past, I admit, but I try and keep my son's best interests at heart. When all is said and done, yesterday involved my four year old son standing in the foyer of his grandparent's house confused and upset. Something that could have been avoided if the ex had been able to contain her own or her brother's feelings towards me.