Don't want to cry

I am inching closer to contacting my therapist. It seems the last week has found me more emotional than I have been in a long time. I have been home sick for a few days, which may play a part. Being alone in a house gives you lots of time to think.

That paired with Hallowe'en, and therefore spending time with some of my ex-family members, and spending some time with the wife on Sunday at a sporting event, followed by lunch. Oh, and let's not forget that Christmas is around the corner and on my mind.

I have been fighting back tears. Even last night at the movie theatre, I was watching Law Abiding Citizen and found myself drawn into what I would do in that situation. Oh wait, she's not really my wife...

I also wore my ring on Friday, not realizing that I still had it on when I picked up my son. It's funny how you aren't aware it's on, and then BAM, you are talking to the ex-wife-to-be and you realize it's on and fear that the sun is glaring in her eye from the reflection of metal on your ring finger. She didn't say anything, so I assume it wasn't as obvious as I feared.

I don't want to cry. I don't want to slip into depression. But I am having a lot of trouble moving forward and not thinking I made the biggest mistake in my life... in giving up my marriage before my son was fully grown. I think I need a session to gain some insight into why I am feeling what I am feeling and have some tools to move forward.

Think it's time to re-group

So for over a year now I feel like I have been running non-stop. From bed to work. From work to his place or from work to get my son, back home and jam pack our time together. Then up early to run my son back to school, or the mother-in-law's to be babysat then back to work. And I threw in the gym. It's been non-stop.

That has left me neglecting, at times, my own housework, homework, my health and even to some degree my sanity. I have realized this point on a few occasions but felt like I had to keep up the marathon to get my life to some sort of point of contentment. But I am slowly realizing that I need to slow down.

Traffic congestion in this city may have something to do with it, paired with the change in my employement area in the city, that took place in the summer. Our city is under some major construction that requires I commute for the better part of an hour in the morning from his place to my place to start my day. A commute that should take 10-15 minutes. It is of course giving me an hour less sleep and putting me on edge to some degree.

Yesterday, it came to a bit of a head. There was no explosion and he has no idea where my thinking is right now, but I looked around my house yesterday and realized it has to change. I have always been someone who hated clutter and likes a clean kitchen. I got home yesterday from yoga and I had dirty dishes from Thursday sitting in the sink, iron and ironing board out from Thursday, beds unmade, laundry piled up, groceries not restocked. I think I was in my home for all of three hours all weekend. And my thought was I have my son tomorrow night and I don't want him to think his Dad's place is always a wreck.

I quickly did the dishes and tidied up a bit before showering and heading for supper at a friend's place. This morning I cleaned a bit more and told myself I would run home at lunch and throw some laundry in and make beds. So when we get home this evening it will be a liveable home.

I also need to talk to Him and tell him that I am going to start staying home more often. I need to focus on my course work and get more sleep. I know his reaction will be that he will want to have sleep-overs at my house, but I am going to have to veto that decision.

I have to veto it because I am realizing that he is more needy than normal also, which is unattractive to some degree. The more you push yourself on me the less I want it. It's one thing to snuggle and be close and it's another to smother me. I need a bit of breathing room and I think maybe we'll be able to get back on track (I have kind of frozen in time and am not letting any feelings progress in any direction). I am sure his reaction will be to jump to conclusions that I want out, but I really, at this point just need to re-group. Get my priorities in line. Get my home and mind organized and decluttered.

My mind is racing...

So it's after midnight on Sunday night. Normally, I would be fast asleep, but tonight I sit alone in my room watching a movie and it's one of those disaster movies where it's potentially the end of the world. And it gets me to thinking about what I would feel in that same situation.

Here is a coles notes version and what I think it might mean:

If it was going to be the end of the world, I would do whatever it takes to get to my son and ex-wife... whatever it takes and whatever I would have to endure. Even if it meant spending my last days in the company of only my in-laws. Both my son and ex-wife mean that much to me.

I have also thought about what I think people don't understand about my choice to come out. It is not that I stopped loving my wife. I DIDN'T. I still love her!!! And I love her more than most of my "straight" friends and family love their spouses. And then people might say, well you are not in love with her, but YES I AM. I am in love with everything that she is. I can't say there aren't things I would change about her, because we all have flaws... but I love her! The issue is that I am physically attracted to men. DOES NOT MEAN I CANNOT LOVE A WOMAN!!! DOESN'T!!

The movie also makes me wonder if I could ever find that connection with anyone ever again. I know I can love someone, and I can learn to settle (I think I can settle anyway) but I don't know if I would ever have that feeling I have for her for anyone else.

And finally, the movie makes me think... FUCK YOU IDIOT... You need to make it work somehow with her. You need to raise your son with her with both of you in his everyday life making memories and that home as one cohesive family.

In the big scheme of life I think I fucked up.

I'm stalling

The whole legal process involved in the separation has been swift so say the least. From receiving notice from my ex's lawyer to seek counsel within the first month, to me filing for a custody order, and an order to deal with financial issues... it's been a quick year dealing with lawyers.

My ex had wanted to be divorced on the soonest date possible, and that could have been by the end of June. And here it is the end of September and I find myself stalling. I received the latest correspondence from my lawyer, trying to tie up the final straws in a "Consent Corollary Relief Judgement", about two weeks ago. It was like being hit in the face. The thought that the relationship that has lasted more than half my life, would officially be over is terrifying. Part of it is probably related to the fact that I'm having a lot of remorse about coming out (in the sense that my life with my wife was over).

I don't want to be divorced. I don't want my wife to be divorced. I don't want my son to have divorced parents. But one thing I remembered was a point I made to myself when debating whether or not to come out and that was the fact that I had cheated on my wife and didn't want to be a cheater. I didn't want to be that person and I was ashamed of my actions. She deserved better. I'm trying to hold onto that thought now to get me through this final legal step.

I'm a good Dad

I just skimmed some of my past entries, trying to gauge how far I have come in the last year. One thing that I had to work on, and continue to work on is being a good father. And I don't mean it's an ongoing struggle to be a good Dad, like it had been for me last year when I couldn't focus on real life. I mean it's a struggle I will always have, because I never want to stop improving. It's the career I chose to have and one I want to continually improve on.

Today is a great example of my life as a single Dad. I woke up an hour before my son. I had my shower, ironed my work clothes, made a fruit smoothie (after all you are what you eat...), and got my son up and ready. That included getting him dressed, fed, cleaned, teeth brushed and out the door for school. I drove him half an hour from my home to his preschool and waited to speak with his teacher and kissed him goodbye. I then jumped on the highway back to the city to work. Put in a full day and back out of the city to pick up my son from the ex-mother-in-law.

We got in the door, and I set him up with his favorite vintage cartoon, while I made not one but two suppers, because he changed his mind and refused to eat the fish I made him. His eating patterns have been a struggle because he is picky, so I have learned to make a few things if I need to, to ensure he gets a full belly. After supper we read a book, played a game and he pulled every toy out of his toy box. Then when it was bath time, we picked up the toys (without me having to ask for help), I ran his bath and then did dishes while he played in the water (for the record I can see the tub from the kitchen sink). Hair washed, fingernails cut, Q-tips used to clean the ears. Then another couple of episodes of the cartoon and then snuggle time in bed.

I love him. He loves me. His Mom is still currently his favorite, and part of that makes me jealous, but I look at how he is comfortable with me, and plays jokes on me and wants to snuggle and I realize that I'm doing a good job.

Is there room for improvement? Sure... but it's getting better. We have made a lot of great memories this year. From going to many new playgrounds, to beaches, to kayaking, to camping, to Canada's Wonderland, to airplane trips, to farms... we do simple life-enriching things. I am a Dad who will be loved by his son.

Made my bed... now time to get comfy in it?

In the mental process I put myself through, contemplating going back to a married life with my wife, I think of those things that I would probably sacrifice that I have learned to enjoy in my new life. Those things include:

The new friends I have made
The friendship with Him
The life of a single man, who can go out for drinks if friends are going, without considering others feelings or plans
The feeling of fitting in with my peers
My gold stilettos (haha… just making sure you’re still paying attention)
An exciting sex life.

But is there a way we could, with a lot of couples therapy, incorporate most of those things into our marriage?

Surely, she would get along with my new friends if they were just friends. My ex has never really had an issue with any of my friends over the years. Actually, come to think of it, there were a limited number of friends I introduced to our relationship, because I never really had the confidence to make friends… something that seemed to spark when I came out. And Him, well he would be out of the picture obviously.

As for the life of a single man, and the exciting sex life, incorporating those would require a very open mind on her part. There would need to be open conversations on what was acceptable behavior on both of our parts. Could we reach a level of an open-relationship where neither of our feelings could get hurt? Probably an impossible feat.

I would have a long road of finishing things with Him before I could ever approach her about reconciliation but somewhere in my twisted brain all of this could work. I could have the best of both worlds. I could be fully me, and I could be a husband and father.

Is all of this really part of the grieving process or is this me telling myself what will make me happy and I should follow that path?Or what if Him was out of the picture… would my ex and I be able to get back to friendship or even BFF status? I know he is a big issue for her. If he was gone, would that make things better?

Or would all of this just make my ex need more therapy, and hurt her self-esteem, and maybe we would end up in this exact same position again?This is probably a clear case of you made your bed and now you have to sleep in it… but I can’t help but wonder… and in some small way plan it out in my head.

Did I make the biggest mistake of my life?

I’m sitting at work and had an overwhelming feeling that I have done just that. It feels like nausea, panic and sadness all in one wave of emotion. I seem to get this wave more often lately.

It started with realizations that my life is forever changed, at random times. Sometimes it would be in the shower, or in bed just as I was fading into sleep. Those thoughts where I would tell myself that this wasn’t a phase in my relationship with my wife. That in fact we would never have a home together again. We wouldn’t grow old together. We won’t have any more children. We wouldn’t travel to those dream destinations as a family.

I have had those thoughts since the day I noticed my wife dropped papers by the front door of our home, from her lawyer, stating I had better seek counsel. I didn’t know that she had even placed it there, but I saw this envelope addressed to me as I closed the door and my heart sunk. This was happening.

I think my coping mechanisms kicked in about that time and numbed me a bit. I went into a zone where certain periods of time I could control my emotion and turn stone-faced. These periods would often be when I had to deal face-to-face with my wife. I would somehow control the muscles in my face to not show any sadness or hurt. It was something she would point out to me, but she reacted to it by assuming that I didn’t care.

I think that mechanism is relaxing and allowing the rest of reality set in. The part where I am slowly realizing that this is my new reality and how discontent I am with it.

Perhaps this is why I haven’t cared so much for Him lately. That I could easily shut that relationship off because I’m not as fulfilled as I was with my wife. That even though a part of me was missing a lot of my life was full. I had a routine and a partner to share every thought with. Someone I could trust. Someone who knew my family and allowed me to be part of theirs, one I wanted to be a part of. Someone who shared the same dreams as I did for a family and home. And what he wants is so different. From where he wants to live, to his thoughts on children and the constant turmoil his family seems to be in.

I spent the morning with my ex and my son yesterday. It was an abnormal occurrence and one that had me fighting tears at most points, and constantly having my emotions barely held back. It was very normal, in the sense that we both were conscious of what we talked about, none of which was related to the split-up. We were together for one of my son’s sporting practices, and it almost felt right.

I wanted to email her today and tell her how nice it was to spend the time with both of them, but I’m afraid of the emotion it may unleash on her at work. I have a heavy heart right now.

I wonder why our marriage couldn’t work with me being gay. I mean, I know the obvious parts, but I’m brought back to the pride parade in the city this year, where there was a young couple walking through the streets and the female held a placard that read “I love my transgender husband.” What is it in our culture that requires that a hetro woman and hetro man be married for it to be considered acceptable? Sure there are groups of individuals in our society who feel that two homos can marry, but I think the majority still view it as unacceptable. I wonder how long it will be that marriage can be a commitment between two people to love and care for each other, with no other stipulations.

I think if I lived further in the future I would have been able to stay married. That I would have been able to explain to my wife the part of me that was missing and find a way to incorporate it into our lives in a natural way.

She was my best friend. Someone I loved to live life with and because I exposed a part of myself I had to give all of those years of my past, and all the years I had planned for the future up.
And I know the journey for her is even harder mentally. I am not trying to discount that. I just really want it all back. That picture perfect life is hard to give up

I'd sign the divorce papers today... no hesitation

It's days like today where she can provoke so much anger in me. The last year and couple of months for her have been about winning. It has not been about doing what is right for our son, or doing what is right ethically, it's been about winning some secret contest she feels we are in.

This last week I have had my family in town, staying with me. They arrived Tuesday and Wednesday, and since "my weekend" does not start until Friday I thought I had better not ask for any extra time. I didn't think it was worth any challenging conversation.

Since I was off all day Friday, I had my son early in the morning and we went camping for the weekend. Normally, my ex would get him back at supper time on Sunday. She asked if she could have him all afternoon Sunday for the celebration of an older family member's birthday, then I could have him back for supper and half of today, since it's a holiday. I agreed, because my stance has ALWAYS been that William should not miss out on family events.

I text messaged her this morning, her favorite method to deal with things, instead of talking, and got no response. I had asked if she had plans or if there was some flexibility so he could have lunch with my family, rather than drop him off at noon. I get no response. So shortly after 11:30 I call her phone and get no answer. I leave a message asking her if he can stay for lunch and I would drop him back.

Finally, she calls back and attacks me for asking for more time. She's gone all weekend without him and now I'm asking for more time when she has plans for them. I say okay then, come get him and point out the fact that I'm always flexible with her and do things so he doesn't miss out on family events. Of course she won't acknowledge the facts and continues to try and make me feel bad for even asking. And she points out that the court papers on custody point out that I am dropping him off.

I don't have the energy and say I'll take him back but she finally says she's on her way and I let her go before it can get any worse. I choke back my tears and start to change him and brush his teeth so he'll be ready.

I really can't believe what just happened. I can't believe how much I wanted to yell and make her see my points, but what good does it do? None.

And now he's gone. He's with his Mom and is surely feeling her love while I'm here fighting tears and not wanting to interact with the family I don't see often enough.

And all this happens after I get a heated email from her about the fact I was taking him camping. I will post that in another post, along with my response.

So much hate directed at me. I guess to a degree she is justified, but when she's trying to get her way, over her son's life being enriched, I don't agree with it. If there were divorce papers in front of me right now, I'd sign it all away.

Being the bigger person.

So often in conversations between Him and me, I get a lot of flack for trying to be the bigger person with my Ex. Today is a prime example. There is an event coming up that involves our son being showcased. The event requires tickets and those tickets are in high demand.

Trying to be a good father, and friend to my ex, I offer to pick up a ticket for her and she can pay me back. She doesn’t really thank me for the offer but asks that I pick up two tickets so that she can take someone with her. Now I don’t need recognition from her to say I’m doing the right thing because I am doing it for my boy. The child who deserves both of his parents to be full participants in his life and feel all the attention and love he deserves.

Due to technical difficulties and my work schedule, I am unable to get the tickets as soon as they go on sale. I speak with Him about it and explain my fear that the tickets will be sold out and we won’t have the chance to go. He offers to run to a location that will undoubtedly be able to sell tickets. In that conversation I thank him and ask him to pick up six tickets. Two of said tickets are for my ex and someone else of her choosing.

Now, on a side note, I should point out that during an event at my son’s school I showed up just as the event was about to start and after getting a text from my ex about whether I was there yet or not, I enter the building and look for my ex. Every other event at the school we have sat together as a united front for our son, even when we could barely talk to each other. We put smiles on and dealt with it. This event, the last of the school year, I walk into the room full of adults to see that my ex, her mother, and some random cousins and aunts and uncles were all sitting in the front row and not an empty seat left for me. It crushed me, not so much because of the fact that I was no longer a member of her family – which does hurt, but because my son would see her and her mother in the front row and he might not see me standing to the side of the room proudly taking pictures and hoping for a smile or wave. Finally after standing by myself and trying to hide the emotion of it all, a former high school friend of my ex-wife waved me over and offered me a seat next to her near the back of the room.

Anyway, back to today’s event’s… I have had some email exchanges with my ex confirming that I had been able to get her two tickets. She asked the price and time and I didn’t know, because I hadn’t been successful in my attempts to purchase them myself. I immediately text Him to find out. I don’t want to tell her who bought them, because it might hurt her, but I end up telling her I had someone else pick them up due to my difficulties.

Finally about an hour later I get a call from Him. He doesn’t know details, he just paid and threw them in the car. He then goes on to ask why I had offered to pick up her tickets, because remember the time at his school when there wasn’t a seat saved for you? And you had to go by yourself? Remember that? And why do I have to be so nice to her, she’s capable of picking up tickets and if she couldn’t get them, then too bad.
I shoot back that someone has to be the bigger person. Someone has to make things for our son easier and it’s me. That I’m the one that may be up against a wall, but I will do whatever I need to make sure that life is easier for my son. And that he needs both of his parents to be fully involved.

He doesn’t understand, and I am okay with it to a point, because I wanted him to remind me of how much she hurt me too (when I was in my darkest days). But why is everyone so petty?
Don’t get me wrong, I am stubborn, one of the traits I clearly got from my father, but for me the world revolves around my son and sometimes I have to be the one to shield him for the bitter world that revolves around him.

I think that I got my point across to Him. He backed down a bit and he does have a valid point to a degree, but this is my life, and this is my son’s life. If it can be easier in any way I am willing to try.

I regret that I came out

I feel like I am definitely in a transition. My mind is constantly playing thoughts in the back of my mind that creep to the forefront trying to give me the same message over and over. The problem is that message doesn’t exactly seem to be plausible in reality.

I regret the choice I made to come out to my wife. Sure I have enjoyed the freedom of single life to a degree. I have enjoyed not really having to answer to anyone when I didn’t want to. I enjoyed going out for drinks on the weekends I didn’t have my son and being that careless man who didn’t have to worry about what she would think. But the feeling that I am missing out on so many memories with my son is overwhelming and one I will always regret. The problem is that after coming out I felt whole. I felt like the complete person I had always been in my head, but part of that person was always hidden from the outside world. I had the straight me, which I projected to everyone in my daily life. I was always somewhat aware of my actions or words. When I came out I didn’t have to be aware and it felt great. It was intoxicating and I think that intoxicating feeling of being the whole me was what made me brave enough to say the words.

I have always been a planner. I have always been someone who thinks out all scenarios but I guess I wasn’t complete in thinking this through. I didn’t really think about how much I would miss my son, wife and in-laws. I know I have a great arrangement with regards to custody, but it’s still not good enough for me. I want him all the time.

And did I just say that I miss my wife and in-laws? After all the fighting, legal battles, threats to call the police on me when they didn’t feel it was my night to keep my son, the dirty looks and intimidation tactics? Yes. I miss everyone one of them. Why? Because they were my family. Because they were part of my memories and are so important in the life of my son and ex-wife.

I feel like I am on the verge of sitting my ex-wife down and talking to her about this. I want to lay my feelings out and be vulnerable and get my life back, to some degree. And this is probably why I am having overwhelming feelings of doubt with Him. That if he got annoyed enough with me and left it would be easier than for me to make a decision to end things. Our relationship has been getting worse, and between you and me, it doesn’t really bother me. In fact, I almost feel like it would be a relief. I don’t feel like I get the respect I deserve from Him at times, and it’s happened enough that I have hardened to a certain extent.

At this point, I’m just going to ride the wave a bit longer. I am going to just let life continue on the track I am on and not try and steer it into any certain direction. I just know that I’m not content and know a change will come; I just don’t know what the change will be.

If anyone out there is reading this and is thinking of having a talk to your wife about your orientation, please feel free to ask me questions. I’m over a year into the experience and am not as settled as I expected I would be.

Can't get you off my mind

It's still a daily thought. I want my old life back. I want to have my son in my house everday. I want to tuck him in every night. I want to hear every laugh and be in every one of his memories. If I knew it would be this hard...

I also miss my wife terribly. I miss my best friend. I miss meals, family gatherings and having a partner who was predictable. And I mean that in a way like... I knew body language... she knew when I needed space or understanding. I miss our unspoken language.

I knew it would be hard. I knew things wouldn't be the same. I didn't know it would hurt this much. I didn't know I would mourn the idea of a "perfect family-life" for my son so much.

If you're thinking of doing what I did and coming out to your wife... think long and hard. Contact me and I'll share thoughts before you do. I wish I had had someone with experience to talk to.

Positive Thoughts.

I thought I'd document my positive thoughts lately.

I'm feeling good about myself. I have been eating better. Even when my son wanted chicken nuggets and french fries from Wendy's, I got a salad. That being said, I should probably say, that I'm not a 300lb gay man that only eats fast food and can't find love, cause I of a horrible outward appearance. I'm actually a good looking guy, who weight around 170lb. I am average for my height, but have been trying to focus more on my fitness and eating because I want to live a long healthy life, want to have a better body image and cause it makes me feel better.

My relationship with Him, has stabled out lately. Could be because there aren't really any other male influences being hung out with. On a side note... apparently his ex is now dating someone else. His reaction was better than I expected.

And while working on a project with a friend, I met four new gay males, that have all added me to facebook. Two of them, I believe were interested in me, which helps boost my confidence. And two of them were engaged... which gives me hope that I will be able to settle down with a hot guy and build a strong foundation with.

On the ex front. Things are calmed down quite a bit, in that we are aware and careful with each other's emotions. Legally, things still slowly tick along. She wants the divorce to take place ASAP but doesn't want to sign the court order for our financial items. My lawyer has guided me, and I trust her judgement, as always.

My son is always good. He's honestly the best son a man could ask for. Perfect.

So there it is. A quick glimpse of positivity in my life. It's not all bad one year in.

I think I want my old life back...

It seems since the day I told my wife, part of me has been wishing the words were never spoken. Well not just a part of me but the majority of me. I look around at my life a year after telling her I was gay and I barely recognize anything.

I live in my parent's empty house. When I don't have my son, it's just me. No pets, which is strange, cause surely by the gay handbook I should have a cat by now. I have a new job, I'm taking classes again to further my career. And honestly, what am I thinking... I don't think I can do this for another 30 years until retirement. I sleep with a man. I enjoy blowjobs. I am developing a circle of friends. My own friends. People who know I'm gay, that I feel comfortable around and like me for me, not because I'm my wife's husband.

I've spoken with my ex-wife-to-be, and seen her a lot lately. We've both been very good at not getting upset with each other. Shared concern for each other and listened to each other. It's hard that way, though. It's easier when we hate each other to be apart. But when we get along I miss her more. I need her more. I want it all back.

The friends and great sex-life are great. The self-esteem I have for myself is great. The being honest and open is great. But I had built a life with her, made a family with her and I had to throw it all away to get some good parts in my life.

I try and trick myself into not thinking about her, and my son, and the past life I had. But I miss it so much. I miss the comfort. I miss the friendship. I miss the laughs and the shoulder to cry on. I miss my family.

Someday I will be okay. I will continue to get stronger. I just need to get through this stage of doubt.

Biting my tongue until I taste blood

It is so hard to bite my tongue. In fact, I really don't want to.

I want to tell anyone who will listen about all of the things I am going through. I want to use names. I want to put posters up around their picture perfect neighbourhood telling their neighbours and friends what the family is really like. I want to call up other members of their family and tell them what my ex and the in-laws really think of them, and how they talk behind their backs. I want to call up each of my ex's siblings and tell them what their parents really think of each of them and what the siblings think of each other.

But today, somehow, I have the strength to continue to bite my tongue. I can practically taste the blood, but because I love my son, I continue to stay as calm as I can and be a good Dad and role model for him.

But I think the other option would be much more rewarding.

Mother-in-law from Hell

So on my drive to work today a song was on the radio that took me back to last summer and where my life was then. Music has a way of making me remember specific periods of time. Could have something to do with the fact that when I like a new song I put it on repeat until I know all the words... but no matter what, periods of my life are tied to specific songs forever.

Anyway, the song today reminded me of the period of time last year, when my ex decided that the visitiation that we had (50/50) was no longer going to work for her. She and her lawyer decided that I was entitled to less. I didn't stand for it.

The particular experience the song brought out was a day I went to pick up my son after work and my Mother-in-law tried to take a bit of control. She got him ready and as he was passed to me out the door, I took his hand and she said, see you at 8:30 to my son. I started to walk to my car with him, and said, no, you'll see him in the morning. Then she said, no you have to have him back by 8:30. It took all I had to hold back and not tell the bitch exactly what I thought of her and her family for using my son to get back at me. I looked at my son, and said, no he'll be back tomorrow. It's not your fight to have. I stayed calm, used a flat tone and kept walking to my car. She kept calling the same thing out to me.

By this point another child's parent was there to pick them up, and witnessed the exchange. When I finally had my son buckled in his car seat she said, you better have him back by 8:30 or else. I said, or else what? And she said, we'll call the police. And I said, go ahead. I got in my car, checked my blind spots and drove away.

It was that exact moment in time, that I realized that I had the mother-in-law from hell. That she had overstepped her place in this divorce and made it clear what she thought of me. She was not thinking in the best interests of her Grandson, she was thinking of how she could get to me. For that she will always be a bitch!

I took him to my Mom's place, and we sat at the kitchen table and ate ham for supper. I had to leave the table twice to keep my son from seeing me completely devastated. That three year old boy was in the middle of a bunch of adults who couldn't contain themselves... but I was going to try and shield him as much as possible on my time.

I later called the police and explained the situation. I didn't want to do the wrong thing, and hurt myself when the court date arrived. I didn't want police showing up and pulling my son out of my Mother's house. I would take him back and admit defeat before he had a police officer show up for him.

The officer explained to me, that if there was no court order in place and my son was in no danger, that they would never come and take a child from a parent. So that put my mind at ease. I hadn't made a huge mistake. I don't know if they ever called the police on me. Part of me hopes they did and that they realized that she shouldn't have threatened me, or that my son should not have been exposed to that conversation.

That night, I crawled in bed with him at bed time, read him a book, and snuggled him all night long. I didn't sleep much, but he was next to me, and that's all that mattered.

My ex-wife tried to use this experience against me... saying that I shouldn't have talked to her mother that way. And I wonder how the exact story was told in that house. Someday, my ex will know the real story, because I was recording that interaction. I have it on a digital voice-recorder and will play it for her someday. Just so she knows I really didn't overstep the boundries of respect and attack the grandmother of my son.

Some songs I love, but hate the memories. This is one of them.

Cut it like a gangrene foot.

So my friend D, who I've spoke of on here before, is one of those people who float in and out of your life and things never change. You can not see or hear from her for a year, then you get a text asking to meet for coffee. It's one of the easiest friendships I have. There none of the... you never call... just a hey, let's meet for coffee and catch up.

So I got one of those texts when I left yoga on Saturday. I replied making plans for Sunday evening. I would swing by her place, while her girlfriend was at work, and we'd head out for coffee and I'd give her a progress update.

I meet D at her house and find out that M is also coming for the coffee/talk. It's all good, but D first wants to know how things have progressed with Him. I explain that Him is now single, broke up with his boyfriend a few months ago and things had progressed to a point where we're essentially dating, but just not public. She asks me what the hell that means? And I find myself trying to defend that neither of us is ready for the ex-factor. We're not ready to have the ex's and the associated circles assume that we had been cheating the whole time.

I also found myself explaining things to D, about my concerns around Him and my son. The times where I have access and Him decides to make other plans, or seemingly avoid my place when I've got my boy for the night or weekend or whatever. Part of me understands that this is a great opportunity to visit other friends, and it not be a waste of our time, but then there are the nights where he barely wants to even talk on the phone. And I'm now at a point where I'm assertive enough to let Him know this arrangement isn't good enough. That my son will always be in my life. That there has to be an assimilation into my life. That avoiding that part of the week here and there isn't acceptable if it's to avoid my son. And D had very good advice... make my son my only priority. She even suggested that I didn't need that drama in my life... that I needed to make things calm for my boy and I cannot expose him to any of the feelings I might have about Him not being there. D is completely right.

Soon M shows up, we head out for a coffee and talk. Some of the conversation is about my ex, how she's doing. Some of the conversation is about how I look more like myself than ever. That when I had been married, I was high-strung. That it was obvious I wasn't feeling comfortable in my own skin. We all caught up on each other and headed home.

As I was leaving my lesbian friend behind, at home, she re-inforced her point that I need to focus on my son and cut the drama. She insisted that Him was only a rebound and it'll never be my lasting relationship. And I'm starting to wonder that myself. She told me to cut it... like a gangrene foot.

Is the end really in sight?

So I just got home from what felt like a long overdue vacation. I'm back in the country for three days and I'm already considering backing my bags and never coming back.

I had left work with a project incomplete. I had asked a senior level co-worker to help on an issue I had been having. An issue which I had spent days on, even working overtime and on my weekend trying to resolve without success. I get back to work and the file had not been touched. GREAT!

On the day I get home I call my ex-wife and request some time with my son. It's not my day, but I haven't seen him in a week. I figure it's pretty self-explanitory, but apparently she's no longer fluent in common sense (oh that's right, I got that in the divorce settlement). So after pointless conversation I'm allowed to pick him up for about three hours.

When I get him he's a little distant. It hurts, but he's only a little boy. Then like being hit by a truck I realize that this is my life. I will never ever have my son in my home full-time, ever again. Tears flood my eyes as I drive from her street. I move the rear-view mirror so he doesn't see me cry. It's been the better part of a year and it's finally settling in. Nothing to date has hurt this much. I never expected to only have a fraction of my son's time. Even now, as I look across my desk at his pictures I have to fight back tears.

And my love life? Well it's more turmoil. I'm at a loss as to whether being in a relationship with anyone is worth the effort. Maybe I just need to be alone. Feel the gravity of my life and find a way to rise above it.

Oh and the final straw came today... over a month after our scheduled court case to settle the financial portion of the seperation and there are further delays, and now new expenses for me. Ones I didn't want to pay, but my lawyer advised I swallow in an effort to minimize cost and frustraton.

I'm not able to concentrate on work, deadlines are looming, I'm broke, I have appointments with bankers, doctors, teachers. I haven't been exercising, or studying, or cleaning the house. I am seconds away from letting the last strands of the rope go and run in opposite direction.

I had a friend say, it's going to get better, and surely it will... but right now it doesn't make me feel better, or pull me from the brink of insanity.

Here is hoping that the strength that's hidden inside me show's it's face again and I get through it without being fired, or quitting, without declaring bankruptcy, without ending relationships and without completely disappearing and changing my name.

Being gay has help me learn to bite.

It's been over ten months and her anger seems more heated the last couple of weeks. I doubt it's just coincidence, I'm sure it has everything to do with my telling her I was taking a vacation, and that I wasn't going alone. Whatever the reason for her new level of hate I've had to perfect my biting skills.

I've never been one to pick a fight, but I've always been someone who defended myself. I can argue every point... it's a gift I inherited from my father. My ex-wife knows this every well; when I'm being attacked I can take it only so long before I blow up.

It's been a long ten months and very challenging. I've let her get to me on many occasions, just as I have gotten to her. But I have done very well at biting my tongue and keeping things to myself in certain instances, but surely there's been a time after biting my tongue that I get my point across or defend myself when it will be better received.

The last few days I have received emails where she's very short with me and asks pointed questions, and I can see she's (a) hurting and (b) trying to get me going. I've got enough strength to not give in this time.

I have drafted responses where I defend myself and push back... then I let them sit open on my desktop all day, or put them in my saved file to re-read when I have a clear mind. And then I've been good enough to go back and delete them. Focusing, instead on the pain that is being sent, and not the attack. I start the responses again and have a very calm approach, and re-read it to make sure it won't fuel the fire. I have even been leaving out points I want to make, so as to not perpetuate the negativity.

I've asked her to also attend counseling with me. To become better co-parents and support for our son and to heal ourselves. All three times I've been very serious about the request and I've been flatly told no. She says she doesn't want to be blamed for things to make me feel better.

I never thought I was ever going to be someone who could bite their tongue when I knew I wasn't completely wrong. But I realize it now. I don't need to be right and have other people see it. I guess it's been a character building exercise for me.

Learn her passwords

So if you are a married man out there and are thinking of telling your wife that you are gay I suggest you make sure you have all of the possible bases covered. My tip today, is to make sure you know as many of her passwords as possible.

Sure, some will say this is unethical, or does not show strength of character, but I will let you in on a little secret... there's and EXTREMELY fine line between love and hate, and when you tell her those words you will have crossed it. And if she's anything like my wife, anything will be fair in war.

At first, I did not tell anyone that I was checking her email account or facebook. Not even my family or best friends knew that I was snooping. It became part of my daily ritual. Check my email, my facebook and then hers. And it paid off... I learned things she was planning with her lawyer, that allowed me time to prepare myself. I learned who she was telling about my sexuality, and the reactions they were returning to her. I learned about games she was going to play with my access. I learned about the ups and downs in her feelings.

Nothing of what I read was pleasant. It hurt to read her pain and hear how it was making her react. It hurt to hear her family put me down, and describe their hate for me. It hurt to hear the threats of my safety and my family's safety that they were planning.

I had access to this information for months. I checked faithfully throughout the day, hoping to gain some insight to so I could be prepared to any tricks she or her lawyer might pull. And there was a lot of information that I gained that helped my lawyer and I make decisions on how to proceed in securing my access to my son.

Why she didn't think to change her password blows my mind, but for those months, I had an inside track to her thoughts and interactions regarding me. I printed off emails and screen-scraped facebook pages. A lot of those thoughts angered me, and biting my tongue has never been my strong suit. I'm someone who generally takes things for a period of time before I blow up and have to confront someone.

In this period of my life I learned the strength it took to keep my mouth shut and just be an observer. And perhaps, that knowledge I gained made me be more constructed in the way I fought for my son. I had to make calculated moves on conversations I had, in order to not let her know I had that inside information.

All and all, I suggest learning her passwords. It wasn't something I told everyone that I knew, but it certainly allowed me to be more prepared in fighting for my son. The one fight I couldn't stand to lose. All is fair in fighting for access to your children.

Intimidation

The ability to have access to my son is something I do not take for granted. I had a long drawn-out fight and a lot of tears shed to maintain an almost 50/50 split of his time with my ex-wife-to-be. That does not mean that everything is friggin butterflies and kittens now. There are days where I have to "exchange" him with members of my in-laws because either the ex is at work, or with friends... or whatever.

The last few months have found me reaching a fairly calm level of interaction with my ex-mother-in-law. A bitch, I should not have to be nice to for all of the bullshit she pulled in the battle I had to maintain my rights to my son. But for the sake of my son's mental health, I put on a fake smile and am polite if nothing else. The same cannot be said for that family.

A new example, which caused pain yesterday, was my first face-to-face interaction with the ex's baby brother. A man who I met when he was probably ten years old, and he admittedly doesn't remember life before me being with his sister. A man who I asked to be my best man because he was like a brother I never had by blood. And a man who in the last few years has made many stupid mistakes in his personal life that both put his life and his family's lives in danger.

It went like this. It's almost 5pm, my drop off time. I walk my son up to the front door and ring the door bell. I kiss my son and tell him that I'll see him Wednesday and that I'll miss him. I hear some commotion in the house but still no one answers the door. I continue to talk to my son and try and get him excited to see his Mom. Still nothing. Then the front door finally opens and there he stands, T. I open the screen door and put my son on the floor and put a couple of things I had in my hands down on a table next to the door. T stands there with a look of disgust in his face and hate in his eyes.

My poor son puts his arms out to me and doesn't want me to leave. I immediately have to fight back tears, thinking he doesn't understand and isn't comfortable in one of his homes. I ask where his Mom is, and he says downstairs in her room. I try and explain it to my son, but it doesn't matter. He's too overwhelmed by the situation. Finally, after some waiting and her brother yelling her name, she emerges. I truly believe the whole interaction was constructed to intimidate me, but instead caused my son confusion and pain.

I left him in my ex's arms. And as I backed out of the driveway I am dailing her cell phone. But she doesn't answer any of my three attempts. Luck I guess, because my anger would have gotten the better of me. Instead on the third call I had the smarts to hang up and not leave a message. Instead I cried, remembering the look in my son's eyes and admitting to myself that yes I was intimidated. T is a loose canon that cannot be trusted.

Today, immediately after I post his entry, I am writing an email to my lawyer. I will ask that she send a letter to opposing counsel encouranging his client to ensure that my son is not put in that situation ever again. And if we are forced to have a review of the arrangment, which the ex had propsed during the access settlement in November, then the topic of exchange location and with whom will also be re-examined.

And, I'm also going to suggest that we ask for information about T's intention to stay back in the home my son is living in. He just arrived back in the home after a couple years of living away. My concern is the danger he may also bring to that home, with my son inside.

I have made mistakes in the past, I admit, but I try and keep my son's best interests at heart. When all is said and done, yesterday involved my four year old son standing in the foyer of his grandparent's house confused and upset. Something that could have been avoided if the ex had been able to contain her own or her brother's feelings towards me.