Is the end really in sight?

So I just got home from what felt like a long overdue vacation. I'm back in the country for three days and I'm already considering backing my bags and never coming back.

I had left work with a project incomplete. I had asked a senior level co-worker to help on an issue I had been having. An issue which I had spent days on, even working overtime and on my weekend trying to resolve without success. I get back to work and the file had not been touched. GREAT!

On the day I get home I call my ex-wife and request some time with my son. It's not my day, but I haven't seen him in a week. I figure it's pretty self-explanitory, but apparently she's no longer fluent in common sense (oh that's right, I got that in the divorce settlement). So after pointless conversation I'm allowed to pick him up for about three hours.

When I get him he's a little distant. It hurts, but he's only a little boy. Then like being hit by a truck I realize that this is my life. I will never ever have my son in my home full-time, ever again. Tears flood my eyes as I drive from her street. I move the rear-view mirror so he doesn't see me cry. It's been the better part of a year and it's finally settling in. Nothing to date has hurt this much. I never expected to only have a fraction of my son's time. Even now, as I look across my desk at his pictures I have to fight back tears.

And my love life? Well it's more turmoil. I'm at a loss as to whether being in a relationship with anyone is worth the effort. Maybe I just need to be alone. Feel the gravity of my life and find a way to rise above it.

Oh and the final straw came today... over a month after our scheduled court case to settle the financial portion of the seperation and there are further delays, and now new expenses for me. Ones I didn't want to pay, but my lawyer advised I swallow in an effort to minimize cost and frustraton.

I'm not able to concentrate on work, deadlines are looming, I'm broke, I have appointments with bankers, doctors, teachers. I haven't been exercising, or studying, or cleaning the house. I am seconds away from letting the last strands of the rope go and run in opposite direction.

I had a friend say, it's going to get better, and surely it will... but right now it doesn't make me feel better, or pull me from the brink of insanity.

Here is hoping that the strength that's hidden inside me show's it's face again and I get through it without being fired, or quitting, without declaring bankruptcy, without ending relationships and without completely disappearing and changing my name.