Just can't shake it.

I just cannot shake this feeling that I have totally screwed my life up and that I am a complete failure. I keep trying to push those feelings down and let time pass, because time is supposed to heal everything.

Here I am almost two years into a seperation and I am not a happy man. I have a career that is great on paper, but I could care less about. I don't quite have the financial freedom I had hopped to have. I still haven't purchased a new home, so I'm living back in my parent's house. Imagine that as an adult. And I am completely single. That part I'm not hating, because at least there is less drama in my life.

I know mourning my marriage is a natural part of the cycle, but I really think I might need to start with my therapist again. I am uber emotional all the time. I don't have the strength to fight with my ex when she is trying to cause fights over things like holiday schedules.

Stick a fork in me folks... I'm not just done. I'm well-done. In fact the juices are not just running clear, they have completely dried up. I'm a burnt steak of you will!

MMF? FFM?

Bisexual porn is my preference right now... and I would love to fuck around with a chick again. Crave it. Wonder what that means... am I really bi? Or more on the straight end of the gay spectrum. Fuck this fluidity to sexuality can be hard to understand.

Anyway, bisexual porn is what I'm jerking off to again tonight.

Where did that come from??

Saturday night there was a party here in the city at a friend's house. I got ready that night with the intention of going to the party and then heading to a local club to get my dance on. Since the hosts were also a friend of Him, he comes with me.

I enter the apartment and give the customary gay host hug and then scan the room for familiar and/or handsome faces. I notice across the room my main gay circle. I take the time to make a drink and then make my way to the comfort zone.

We stay at the party and I polish off the liquor I brought just in time for my circle to decide that we're ready to leave. We find say goodbye to the crew and head out the back door. The apartment was conveniently located near the club we intended to head to. We make a quick stop at a bank machine and then make our way north towards the club. Then out of no where the guy I was talking to, in front of the circle of friends, kisses me straight on the lips. Well I guess not straight on the lips, more gay on the lips. I look for the reaction on Him's face. And I'm a little shocked myself.

Now the problem is, I'm not quite sure who it was. Was it the early 20's gay guy who took an interest in me when he found out I was a Dad? Or was it the mid-20's guy who is in my circle who doesn't really flirt with me, but I feel like he might have a slight thing for me... I don't know. I wasn't drunk, or at least I didn't think I was... but I don't know who it was. Damn! Oh Saturday night...

Need to read my own body language

I am still in that stage with Him where he wonders where the future lies between us. He is holding out hope, but I think he's slowly realizing that there might not be an us. And me... I'm still in the stage where I think I hold on to Him, but not telling him flat out that there will never be a future. I think he is my crutch. That great guy with potential as a partner and with a career. He's not your average retail hag; he is a professional with mobility anywhere in the world.

But I catch myself; my own body language gives away the fact that I am not moving in a direction that will allow our relationship to progress into being lifelong partners. I sit with my body angled away from him. I won't commit to plans. I don't even want his name to be on the same birthday card we might give a friend. At times I find myself on the phone with him and have nothing to say and I just want to hang up.

I know it sounds like I'm an asshole. And I am an asshole, but I think I need to be. I need to figure out what makes me happy and settle for nothing less. Now that I am away from the relationship I realize how I put myself on hold and sheltered myself a bit. I wouldn't allow myself to develop friendships with guys who he might feel would be competition with him. I just wasn't making me happy and didn't realize it until I reached a point where I wasn't answering to him.

I'm still not where I want to be, but I am in a place where I am okay to be single. I like being alone now. But I have also developed a circle of gay friends who are just a group of guys, not flaming queens. The kind of guys I can sit back and have a beer with, or head out and dance with. Guys who are not about drama. The group of friends I should have had in high school or university.

I will be okay. I think I'm finally realizing that.

his tug-of-war with