I am still in that stage with Him where he wonders where the future lies between us. He is holding out hope, but I think he's slowly realizing that there might not be an us. And me... I'm still in the stage where I think I hold on to Him, but not telling him flat out that there will never be a future. I think he is my crutch. That great guy with potential as a partner and with a career. He's not your average retail hag; he is a professional with mobility anywhere in the world.
But I catch myself; my own body language gives away the fact that I am not moving in a direction that will allow our relationship to progress into being lifelong partners. I sit with my body angled away from him. I won't commit to plans. I don't even want his name to be on the same birthday card we might give a friend. At times I find myself on the phone with him and have nothing to say and I just want to hang up.
I know it sounds like I'm an asshole. And I am an asshole, but I think I need to be. I need to figure out what makes me happy and settle for nothing less. Now that I am away from the relationship I realize how I put myself on hold and sheltered myself a bit. I wouldn't allow myself to develop friendships with guys who he might feel would be competition with him. I just wasn't making me happy and didn't realize it until I reached a point where I wasn't answering to him.
I'm still not where I want to be, but I am in a place where I am okay to be single. I like being alone now. But I have also developed a circle of gay friends who are just a group of guys, not flaming queens. The kind of guys I can sit back and have a beer with, or head out and dance with. Guys who are not about drama. The group of friends I should have had in high school or university.
I will be okay. I think I'm finally realizing that.
his tug-of-war with
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