Biting my tongue until I taste blood

It is so hard to bite my tongue. In fact, I really don't want to.

I want to tell anyone who will listen about all of the things I am going through. I want to use names. I want to put posters up around their picture perfect neighbourhood telling their neighbours and friends what the family is really like. I want to call up other members of their family and tell them what my ex and the in-laws really think of them, and how they talk behind their backs. I want to call up each of my ex's siblings and tell them what their parents really think of each of them and what the siblings think of each other.

But today, somehow, I have the strength to continue to bite my tongue. I can practically taste the blood, but because I love my son, I continue to stay as calm as I can and be a good Dad and role model for him.

But I think the other option would be much more rewarding.

I still love her and want to be there...

So yesterday, as I do periodically throughout the week, I checked my hotmail account and get the following email from my ex-wife (to-be):

I HATE how when I have a bad day OR something goes wrong, you're not there.
I HATE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The email breaks my heart. I still love her, and seeing emails like this reminds me about part of what I gave up when I came out to my wife. By saying those words, last year, I gave up my best friend. I want to be there for her. I want her to tell me about her good days and bad days. I want to be that man in her life, but I never will be again. Sure, we will, hopefully, become good friends again, but I'll never have that exact place I once had.

I don't think she understands the part of the breakup where I still love her and miss my best friend. She thinks I made an active choice to cut her from my life, as if I was throwing something away, but I made the choice to be honest and be more me. The loss of my best friend, my home, my family, were all the casualties of me having said the words, 'I'm gay.'

If anyone reading this, is in the place I was a year ago, where you are contimplating coming out to your wife, think long and hard. I'm not saying that I wouldn't do all of this again, if I could turn back time, but I think I would have tried to prepare her better. Maybe I would have arranged for a couple's counselor to help us deal with the issue and the upcoming backlash.

No matter what, I still love her and always want to be there.

Mother-in-law from Hell

So on my drive to work today a song was on the radio that took me back to last summer and where my life was then. Music has a way of making me remember specific periods of time. Could have something to do with the fact that when I like a new song I put it on repeat until I know all the words... but no matter what, periods of my life are tied to specific songs forever.

Anyway, the song today reminded me of the period of time last year, when my ex decided that the visitiation that we had (50/50) was no longer going to work for her. She and her lawyer decided that I was entitled to less. I didn't stand for it.

The particular experience the song brought out was a day I went to pick up my son after work and my Mother-in-law tried to take a bit of control. She got him ready and as he was passed to me out the door, I took his hand and she said, see you at 8:30 to my son. I started to walk to my car with him, and said, no, you'll see him in the morning. Then she said, no you have to have him back by 8:30. It took all I had to hold back and not tell the bitch exactly what I thought of her and her family for using my son to get back at me. I looked at my son, and said, no he'll be back tomorrow. It's not your fight to have. I stayed calm, used a flat tone and kept walking to my car. She kept calling the same thing out to me.

By this point another child's parent was there to pick them up, and witnessed the exchange. When I finally had my son buckled in his car seat she said, you better have him back by 8:30 or else. I said, or else what? And she said, we'll call the police. And I said, go ahead. I got in my car, checked my blind spots and drove away.

It was that exact moment in time, that I realized that I had the mother-in-law from hell. That she had overstepped her place in this divorce and made it clear what she thought of me. She was not thinking in the best interests of her Grandson, she was thinking of how she could get to me. For that she will always be a bitch!

I took him to my Mom's place, and we sat at the kitchen table and ate ham for supper. I had to leave the table twice to keep my son from seeing me completely devastated. That three year old boy was in the middle of a bunch of adults who couldn't contain themselves... but I was going to try and shield him as much as possible on my time.

I later called the police and explained the situation. I didn't want to do the wrong thing, and hurt myself when the court date arrived. I didn't want police showing up and pulling my son out of my Mother's house. I would take him back and admit defeat before he had a police officer show up for him.

The officer explained to me, that if there was no court order in place and my son was in no danger, that they would never come and take a child from a parent. So that put my mind at ease. I hadn't made a huge mistake. I don't know if they ever called the police on me. Part of me hopes they did and that they realized that she shouldn't have threatened me, or that my son should not have been exposed to that conversation.

That night, I crawled in bed with him at bed time, read him a book, and snuggled him all night long. I didn't sleep much, but he was next to me, and that's all that mattered.

My ex-wife tried to use this experience against me... saying that I shouldn't have talked to her mother that way. And I wonder how the exact story was told in that house. Someday, my ex will know the real story, because I was recording that interaction. I have it on a digital voice-recorder and will play it for her someday. Just so she knows I really didn't overstep the boundries of respect and attack the grandmother of my son.

Some songs I love, but hate the memories. This is one of them.

Cut it like a gangrene foot.

So my friend D, who I've spoke of on here before, is one of those people who float in and out of your life and things never change. You can not see or hear from her for a year, then you get a text asking to meet for coffee. It's one of the easiest friendships I have. There none of the... you never call... just a hey, let's meet for coffee and catch up.

So I got one of those texts when I left yoga on Saturday. I replied making plans for Sunday evening. I would swing by her place, while her girlfriend was at work, and we'd head out for coffee and I'd give her a progress update.

I meet D at her house and find out that M is also coming for the coffee/talk. It's all good, but D first wants to know how things have progressed with Him. I explain that Him is now single, broke up with his boyfriend a few months ago and things had progressed to a point where we're essentially dating, but just not public. She asks me what the hell that means? And I find myself trying to defend that neither of us is ready for the ex-factor. We're not ready to have the ex's and the associated circles assume that we had been cheating the whole time.

I also found myself explaining things to D, about my concerns around Him and my son. The times where I have access and Him decides to make other plans, or seemingly avoid my place when I've got my boy for the night or weekend or whatever. Part of me understands that this is a great opportunity to visit other friends, and it not be a waste of our time, but then there are the nights where he barely wants to even talk on the phone. And I'm now at a point where I'm assertive enough to let Him know this arrangement isn't good enough. That my son will always be in my life. That there has to be an assimilation into my life. That avoiding that part of the week here and there isn't acceptable if it's to avoid my son. And D had very good advice... make my son my only priority. She even suggested that I didn't need that drama in my life... that I needed to make things calm for my boy and I cannot expose him to any of the feelings I might have about Him not being there. D is completely right.

Soon M shows up, we head out for a coffee and talk. Some of the conversation is about my ex, how she's doing. Some of the conversation is about how I look more like myself than ever. That when I had been married, I was high-strung. That it was obvious I wasn't feeling comfortable in my own skin. We all caught up on each other and headed home.

As I was leaving my lesbian friend behind, at home, she re-inforced her point that I need to focus on my son and cut the drama. She insisted that Him was only a rebound and it'll never be my lasting relationship. And I'm starting to wonder that myself. She told me to cut it... like a gangrene foot.

Is the end really in sight?

So I just got home from what felt like a long overdue vacation. I'm back in the country for three days and I'm already considering backing my bags and never coming back.

I had left work with a project incomplete. I had asked a senior level co-worker to help on an issue I had been having. An issue which I had spent days on, even working overtime and on my weekend trying to resolve without success. I get back to work and the file had not been touched. GREAT!

On the day I get home I call my ex-wife and request some time with my son. It's not my day, but I haven't seen him in a week. I figure it's pretty self-explanitory, but apparently she's no longer fluent in common sense (oh that's right, I got that in the divorce settlement). So after pointless conversation I'm allowed to pick him up for about three hours.

When I get him he's a little distant. It hurts, but he's only a little boy. Then like being hit by a truck I realize that this is my life. I will never ever have my son in my home full-time, ever again. Tears flood my eyes as I drive from her street. I move the rear-view mirror so he doesn't see me cry. It's been the better part of a year and it's finally settling in. Nothing to date has hurt this much. I never expected to only have a fraction of my son's time. Even now, as I look across my desk at his pictures I have to fight back tears.

And my love life? Well it's more turmoil. I'm at a loss as to whether being in a relationship with anyone is worth the effort. Maybe I just need to be alone. Feel the gravity of my life and find a way to rise above it.

Oh and the final straw came today... over a month after our scheduled court case to settle the financial portion of the seperation and there are further delays, and now new expenses for me. Ones I didn't want to pay, but my lawyer advised I swallow in an effort to minimize cost and frustraton.

I'm not able to concentrate on work, deadlines are looming, I'm broke, I have appointments with bankers, doctors, teachers. I haven't been exercising, or studying, or cleaning the house. I am seconds away from letting the last strands of the rope go and run in opposite direction.

I had a friend say, it's going to get better, and surely it will... but right now it doesn't make me feel better, or pull me from the brink of insanity.

Here is hoping that the strength that's hidden inside me show's it's face again and I get through it without being fired, or quitting, without declaring bankruptcy, without ending relationships and without completely disappearing and changing my name.

Once a cheater?

So, not sure if I mentioned it before, or whether it even needs to be mentioned, but I cheated on my wife while we were married. I was very fortunate to have never gotten caught, but it was still wrong. Not something I am proud of, but it helped me discover who I am, so it was a necessary step in the process.

As a man developing a new relationship, I find myself wondering if what all the audience members on shows like Ricki Lake and Maury Povich say is true... once a cheater, always a cheater. Am I destined to cheat on my future partner? Is he destined to cheat on me, if he's cheated before? And are all gay men more permiscious?

And then really, I think about whether the males (or females, even) of the human species are programmed for monogomy. Aren't we supposed to spread our seed to as many fertile specimens as possible? Is cheating, really just following what our genes are telling us to do?

I know that I don't want to be a cheater. I don't want to ruin future relationships. I want to be open and honest and no go back to the double life I lived in my head so long.

I even think of cheating scenarios when I masterbate, or fantasize in general. It's never me cheating, but Him. I think about him in sexual acts with friends, hot guys I see, or even his ex. Is that normal? Does it just affirm my attraction to Him?

That's what I ask you, brilliant internet... once a cheater, always a cheater?? If someone's completely honest?

Being gay has help me learn to bite.

It's been over ten months and her anger seems more heated the last couple of weeks. I doubt it's just coincidence, I'm sure it has everything to do with my telling her I was taking a vacation, and that I wasn't going alone. Whatever the reason for her new level of hate I've had to perfect my biting skills.

I've never been one to pick a fight, but I've always been someone who defended myself. I can argue every point... it's a gift I inherited from my father. My ex-wife knows this every well; when I'm being attacked I can take it only so long before I blow up.

It's been a long ten months and very challenging. I've let her get to me on many occasions, just as I have gotten to her. But I have done very well at biting my tongue and keeping things to myself in certain instances, but surely there's been a time after biting my tongue that I get my point across or defend myself when it will be better received.

The last few days I have received emails where she's very short with me and asks pointed questions, and I can see she's (a) hurting and (b) trying to get me going. I've got enough strength to not give in this time.

I have drafted responses where I defend myself and push back... then I let them sit open on my desktop all day, or put them in my saved file to re-read when I have a clear mind. And then I've been good enough to go back and delete them. Focusing, instead on the pain that is being sent, and not the attack. I start the responses again and have a very calm approach, and re-read it to make sure it won't fuel the fire. I have even been leaving out points I want to make, so as to not perpetuate the negativity.

I've asked her to also attend counseling with me. To become better co-parents and support for our son and to heal ourselves. All three times I've been very serious about the request and I've been flatly told no. She says she doesn't want to be blamed for things to make me feel better.

I never thought I was ever going to be someone who could bite their tongue when I knew I wasn't completely wrong. But I realize it now. I don't need to be right and have other people see it. I guess it's been a character building exercise for me.