I'm stalling

The whole legal process involved in the separation has been swift so say the least. From receiving notice from my ex's lawyer to seek counsel within the first month, to me filing for a custody order, and an order to deal with financial issues... it's been a quick year dealing with lawyers.

My ex had wanted to be divorced on the soonest date possible, and that could have been by the end of June. And here it is the end of September and I find myself stalling. I received the latest correspondence from my lawyer, trying to tie up the final straws in a "Consent Corollary Relief Judgement", about two weeks ago. It was like being hit in the face. The thought that the relationship that has lasted more than half my life, would officially be over is terrifying. Part of it is probably related to the fact that I'm having a lot of remorse about coming out (in the sense that my life with my wife was over).

I don't want to be divorced. I don't want my wife to be divorced. I don't want my son to have divorced parents. But one thing I remembered was a point I made to myself when debating whether or not to come out and that was the fact that I had cheated on my wife and didn't want to be a cheater. I didn't want to be that person and I was ashamed of my actions. She deserved better. I'm trying to hold onto that thought now to get me through this final legal step.

I'm a good Dad

I just skimmed some of my past entries, trying to gauge how far I have come in the last year. One thing that I had to work on, and continue to work on is being a good father. And I don't mean it's an ongoing struggle to be a good Dad, like it had been for me last year when I couldn't focus on real life. I mean it's a struggle I will always have, because I never want to stop improving. It's the career I chose to have and one I want to continually improve on.

Today is a great example of my life as a single Dad. I woke up an hour before my son. I had my shower, ironed my work clothes, made a fruit smoothie (after all you are what you eat...), and got my son up and ready. That included getting him dressed, fed, cleaned, teeth brushed and out the door for school. I drove him half an hour from my home to his preschool and waited to speak with his teacher and kissed him goodbye. I then jumped on the highway back to the city to work. Put in a full day and back out of the city to pick up my son from the ex-mother-in-law.

We got in the door, and I set him up with his favorite vintage cartoon, while I made not one but two suppers, because he changed his mind and refused to eat the fish I made him. His eating patterns have been a struggle because he is picky, so I have learned to make a few things if I need to, to ensure he gets a full belly. After supper we read a book, played a game and he pulled every toy out of his toy box. Then when it was bath time, we picked up the toys (without me having to ask for help), I ran his bath and then did dishes while he played in the water (for the record I can see the tub from the kitchen sink). Hair washed, fingernails cut, Q-tips used to clean the ears. Then another couple of episodes of the cartoon and then snuggle time in bed.

I love him. He loves me. His Mom is still currently his favorite, and part of that makes me jealous, but I look at how he is comfortable with me, and plays jokes on me and wants to snuggle and I realize that I'm doing a good job.

Is there room for improvement? Sure... but it's getting better. We have made a lot of great memories this year. From going to many new playgrounds, to beaches, to kayaking, to camping, to Canada's Wonderland, to airplane trips, to farms... we do simple life-enriching things. I am a Dad who will be loved by his son.

When worlds collide

It's a strange thing when you transition from living a double-life to a life as a quasi-openly gay man. I say quasi because most people know or have heard through the grapevine, but it's not something I tell people upon meeting them.


Anyway... like I said, it's a strange thing when you transition from having this part of your life be in your private thoughts and private experiences into being part of your regular life. It hit me in the face a few months ago, when I was hanging out with J. We were having supper after having hit the gym together and we had been playing a bit of a game where we had to share sexual experiences we had had in the past.


The game was titillating and allowed me to realize that the sexual world was wide open for me to experience. So it was J's turn to tell a story and he shares how he once had an experience with two guys he was friends with. They were dating and had a relationship where they welcomed select guys into bed with them to spice things up.


As he's telling the story a smile escapes and he stares right at me. I think initially he thought I was judging him in some way, but instead I ask if one of the guys has a tattoo. I describe the tattoo and the placement and this time he stares at me in silence. Then he's on his iPhone pulling up pics on facebook. Asking me if this was the guy I spoke of... and indeed it was.


Turns out I had met the same couple just last fall and had a similar experience with them. It was late at night. I was living alone. And I was on http://www.gay.com/ looking to see what kind of guys were around on a Saturday night.

Now, before you assume that the guys are maybe a couple of old trolls and I was in a moment of desperation, let me assure you that the guys are both in their twenties, good looking with careers to be proud of. They just happen to add a little new energy to their relationship from time to time, when someone of their taste is available.


So flash forward a few months after that conversation and BAM, I run into J out with the guys, and some other friends and suddenly my two worlds have collided. And now we are on first name basis and the option is there to join them again. Wow... head rush!

Made my bed... now time to get comfy in it?

In the mental process I put myself through, contemplating going back to a married life with my wife, I think of those things that I would probably sacrifice that I have learned to enjoy in my new life. Those things include:

The new friends I have made
The friendship with Him
The life of a single man, who can go out for drinks if friends are going, without considering others feelings or plans
The feeling of fitting in with my peers
My gold stilettos (haha… just making sure you’re still paying attention)
An exciting sex life.

But is there a way we could, with a lot of couples therapy, incorporate most of those things into our marriage?

Surely, she would get along with my new friends if they were just friends. My ex has never really had an issue with any of my friends over the years. Actually, come to think of it, there were a limited number of friends I introduced to our relationship, because I never really had the confidence to make friends… something that seemed to spark when I came out. And Him, well he would be out of the picture obviously.

As for the life of a single man, and the exciting sex life, incorporating those would require a very open mind on her part. There would need to be open conversations on what was acceptable behavior on both of our parts. Could we reach a level of an open-relationship where neither of our feelings could get hurt? Probably an impossible feat.

I would have a long road of finishing things with Him before I could ever approach her about reconciliation but somewhere in my twisted brain all of this could work. I could have the best of both worlds. I could be fully me, and I could be a husband and father.

Is all of this really part of the grieving process or is this me telling myself what will make me happy and I should follow that path?Or what if Him was out of the picture… would my ex and I be able to get back to friendship or even BFF status? I know he is a big issue for her. If he was gone, would that make things better?

Or would all of this just make my ex need more therapy, and hurt her self-esteem, and maybe we would end up in this exact same position again?This is probably a clear case of you made your bed and now you have to sleep in it… but I can’t help but wonder… and in some small way plan it out in my head.

Pros of being gay

So I guess lately a reader might think that I am quite negative about being gay, and personally I think of myself as being a very positive person... I am just getting overwhelmed at times in how much I miss my old life. And for that reason I thought it was important I write a positive entry on coming out and being gay... and what better than a bit of a pro list of coming out...

Pros

• I get to have a sex life that is much improved... since I'm having it with men
• I feel like I can completely be myself
• I have made new friends that support me for who I am
• I have a new sense of independence in that I'm not known as part of a couple, but as an individual
• I have realized that I am appealing to people and that people think I'm a catch
• I have learned who my true friends are
• I have learned my own strength
• Head IS better from a guy... it's not just a myth
• I can go to places and events that were typically only frequented by homos

There's a small list... I'm sure it will continue to grow as I find my bearings more clearly. I will make it through, I just still need to mourn the loss of a relationship that I was involved in for the better part of my life.

I must be completely crazy

I really must be crazy. I am thinking in my head about what would happen if I begged my wife to take me back. To forget the last year and a half. Forget all the distance that came between us. The hurtful things we both said. The damage that has been done to my image of her family for their attempts to keep my son from me, and in some twisted way they were trying to protect their daughter.

And what would she say? Would she really say that she would take me back and we would go back to building a home and family? Would she just be happy to have her best friend back? Would she want to have that second child we had tried for, prior to the world coming crashing down?And what would we say to the rest of the world? I know my family would be okay. My Mom wanted me to find a way to work it out instead of breaking up. My sister would be disappointed because she’d be afraid that she would lose her brother again, but that is manageable. But what would her family say? Would I ever be welcome again to Sunday dinner? And do I really care? Of the whole family, I can say I miss one brother. He was like my own blood and I would do anything for him. We considered ourselves brother and surely he’d be okay with me being back.

And our friends? Well I could look at it like those friend who wrote me off when I came out to my wife… if they are truly our friends they want us to be happy over anything else and would get over it.

I want it all back. Someone needs to walk over to my desk right now and slap me back into the painful reality that those things are forever out of my reach… but that might not even wake me up. Every cell in my body wants my family back, and because of that I’m in this limbo state.

I can’t move forward with Him because I don’t want to. I want to move backward. But if I tell Him how I feel then he will be hurt and any chance that he is the one will be ruined.

A year and a half later and I want to run back into her arms.

Marital problems

I think a year of separation makes you forget some of the struggles you had in your relationship. At least in my case it does. I know we had rough patches but now they don’t seem like there is any way they could have been that bad. Could they have really been so bad that I threw caution to the wind and changed all of our lives?

I’m thinking back right now and here are a few things that come to mind, about struggles that we had when we were the clichéd happily married couple.

Money – the root of a lot of evil for many couples. Our struggle with money was about the little things… the needless spending (in my mind) on things like a daily coffee or trips to the Dollar Store and Walmart for junk we didn’t need.

Mental Stability – I feel like an ass discussing this, but one major struggle that was in our marriage was the depression my wife slipped into prior to us getting married. It was a struggle because it was never something I understood. I assumed that some of her symptoms were selective to an extent and that she just didn’t want to interact publicly as much, or want to work outside of the home.

I didn’t understand why someone could let themselves go. Why health went on the back burner, including weight. Why she allowed herself to be medicated instead of seeking alternate ways to get through the slump I assumed she was in. I would ask why she was depressed and never got a straight answer. I asked if she asked about other things she should do, like more exercise, more or less naps, meditation, reading, anything other than just taking tiny pills and never getting better.

And here we are at least six years later and she is still on the same medication, if not more. There are new doctors who have made some bold statements but have not been able to help her get off the medication. A medication which, when I spoke about it with a pharmacist, I was told no one should be on for the long term.

An issue I also had with the depression and resulting, regular therapy sessions was the fact that I never was told what was causing her the depression. In our last six months together I gave up trying to find out. I stopped asking her what else we could do together to help her feel better.

I still don’t understand depression. And I feel bad for discounting it over the years; it’s a regret I will always have.

Maintaining a home – Another issue I had with our relationship was the uneven burden of maintaining our home. The endless hours I spent cleaning, while she read books or was out with friends, or watching re-runs on tv. I know part of that is related to the depression noted above, but I believe part of it was that I did so much, so she knew it would get done whether she did it or not. This is an issue she admitted to and at times did make attempts to balance out the burden, but it is something I did because it needed to be done, just like my Mom did for all of those years of her marriage.

I will admit, I had my faults too, but these were my three main struggles that I couldn’t always get past. These are the fights I would rather be having now, than feeling like none of us will ever be as happy as we once were.

I am a loser who threw our lives upside down. Someone who probably caused a lot more therapy sessions and prescriptions. Someone who hurt someone so deeply she will never really forgive me.

I’d give anything to wake up from this dream.