So I'm coming to realize that I have a huge fear about being gay... and it's not even really just because I'm a gay Dad. My fear is that by giving up my marriage, I also gave up on a long-term relationship possibiliy, that would have survived past retirement, and probably to the end of my life.
I know that I've only been single for less than a year, but I'm realizing that I hate being alone. I hate not having that companionship. I like having someone to come home to, or having someone come home to me. Someone to eat with, someone to care for and take care of. I like to share my life.
Sure, I'm sane and dateable, but will I ever find someone who is as into me as I am into them. Someone who will want to snuggle with me for decades to come. Someone who wants to make memories with me?
The nights that I sleep alone in bed, or in my empty house physically hurt my heart. I can physically feel pain in my chest, as I miss someone. When I finally get to sleep, I wake up periodically checking my cell phone for a missed call or text, and I feel that empty side of the bed, hoping someone slipped into it that I can shift over to and feel their warmth and comfort.
And the fear is compounded by the fact that I'm a father. And I would NEVER give up my son. That's a non-issue. The issue, is that I fear that my ability to find that long-term bond with some man is even harder cause many gay men probably didn't want to have children in their lives. Didn't expect to share their boyfriend or partner with a child.
So I close off tonight in my empty bed. I am thinking of someone special I wish was next to me and pray that they will be the one to fill up my heart and years to come with many happy memories.
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6 comments:
You seem to be stereotyping gay men. Everything you say you want, Other gay men want too. I personally want to get married and have a family. And have no issue dating a guy with a kid.
Hello Anonymous.
I don't mean to stereotype gay men at all. Reading back, perhaps it could sound that way and I apologize; that was not my intent. I was really just trying to express a fear that perhaps that would be the case. Hopefully I will find someone completely compatable with me and my child. Thanks for reading.
I can feel the pain in your words and I have lived your experience.
You will survive this time in your life and you will become a better person with a deeper understanding of both yourself and a deeper respect for others. You have to allow yourself to be who you are. We all change, grow, make mistakes and learn. My life's circumstances may change but I too will always be a father and will never regret that opportunity.
Newman,
I found your link on Guys4men and I'm glad I came to your blog to read about part of your life. I very much understand where you are coming from. Please don't think you're alone because you aren't. There are many of us who have been in your situation. You're a very brave person to admit who and what you are and to no longer try to deceive your wife.
I would love to talk to you and possibly get to know you better. If you'd be interested, please email me at LYONALUMNI72501@Gmail.com
I have been where you are at and I'd be more than willing to share my experience with you and help you along your journey.
Thank you for the kind words guy. I truly appreciate it. Even though I don't know you, it helps me to know there are other men out there that have survived parts, if not all of what I am going through and that it will all be OKAY! I can't wait until I feel fully confident in who I am and the hardest parts of the path are completed.
Thank you for reading. I hope you continue to listen to my story and share your comments.
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