Who is he?

So one of the first people I told that I was gay was a close friend of the family, I'll call her D. She is a friend of my older sister, and she came out as a lesbian probably close to ten years ago. I remember specifically when she came out that my Mom thought it was just a stage. In the baby-boomer's mind it was a fad and she'd get through the stage and settle down with a man and have the nuclear family we were all intended to have. But for now it was the in thing to be gay.

Now my Mom wasn't saying this in a judgemental way, she truly believed it. She didn't understand that her coming out had been this long journey to admit to the world that she prefered the love of another woman over the love of a man, and nothing could change it. As time went on it just became a non-issue. She continued to flow in and out of our lives and even vacationed with my sister and mother. And because of her my Mom learned to accept it, probably not understand but accept that this was not a stage she would grow out of.

So when I reached the point where I knew I was going to tell the world I was gay, the first person I turned to, about talking to family was D. I texted her and asked if we could meet sometime. I thought that was innocent enough, and not totally out of regular possibility. She agreed. We played text-tag for a few days and her interest was also mixed with concern that I was going to tell her of a terminal illness in the family. I told her that was not the case and we finally made plans to meet at her place after work on a Thursday for a talk. I got the directions to her place and made my way over. I remember thinking she was the safest person I could tell. I would receive no judgement from D. She had been there.

So I drive up to her house and she's sitting out on the stoop with her dog waiting for me to arrive. I park the car and we go inside. I sit on the couch looking around her place thinking, holy crap, I'm about to say the words... "I'm gay." And before I know it I tell her the words and she said "Who is he?" I said "what? who is who?" And she said, "it always takes someone. There's someone you like and that's the reason you're coming out." I said "no one" but she saw right through me. There was someone, some man I felt a connection with, unlike any other. This man was someone who had over the last year became the best friend I had ever had. I couldn't bear the though of him not being in my life.

So I gave her limited details about this person I had fallen so hard for that I was willing to admit to the world that I was gay. That final tipping point had been reached. He was worth all of the obstacles I would have to endure when I came out to my friends and family. Because, although I wasn't ready to admit to everyone, I had fallen in love with a man.

So she cracked me open a beer and we headed out on the back deck and continued the conversation about how I felt family members would take the revelation. What method would be the best idea to sit my Mom down and explain to her in a way she'd understand and possibly reduce her disappointment she may have. And then she asked if she could call her friend M. M is a girl I've also known for years. She told M that I was gay and out came a story D and M shared on many occasions when they would talk about the sexuality I was but wouldn't admit. They had know for years that I was gay. It was clear to them but not to me. D said even when I was getting married they wondered if I was doing the right thing but could not say anything because everyone has to decide for themselves when to come out or even just admit to themselves that they are gay.

I spoke with M, and she told the story of why she knew I was gay. It had to do with a kleenex. I will share that story at a later point. And she said "you cocksucker" and I said "yup, I guess that name is appropriate now."

I drank a couple of more beers and enjoyed the sun and sounds of the city. But at that time, I also remember feeling a little more complete. I remember there being no effort in trying to be something I wasn't. I was gay and it was okay. The person I was with knew and was completely okay with it and happy for me to have reached that place where I was okay with it too. And in some way it was all because of him.