Think it's time to re-group

So for over a year now I feel like I have been running non-stop. From bed to work. From work to his place or from work to get my son, back home and jam pack our time together. Then up early to run my son back to school, or the mother-in-law's to be babysat then back to work. And I threw in the gym. It's been non-stop.

That has left me neglecting, at times, my own housework, homework, my health and even to some degree my sanity. I have realized this point on a few occasions but felt like I had to keep up the marathon to get my life to some sort of point of contentment. But I am slowly realizing that I need to slow down.

Traffic congestion in this city may have something to do with it, paired with the change in my employement area in the city, that took place in the summer. Our city is under some major construction that requires I commute for the better part of an hour in the morning from his place to my place to start my day. A commute that should take 10-15 minutes. It is of course giving me an hour less sleep and putting me on edge to some degree.

Yesterday, it came to a bit of a head. There was no explosion and he has no idea where my thinking is right now, but I looked around my house yesterday and realized it has to change. I have always been someone who hated clutter and likes a clean kitchen. I got home yesterday from yoga and I had dirty dishes from Thursday sitting in the sink, iron and ironing board out from Thursday, beds unmade, laundry piled up, groceries not restocked. I think I was in my home for all of three hours all weekend. And my thought was I have my son tomorrow night and I don't want him to think his Dad's place is always a wreck.

I quickly did the dishes and tidied up a bit before showering and heading for supper at a friend's place. This morning I cleaned a bit more and told myself I would run home at lunch and throw some laundry in and make beds. So when we get home this evening it will be a liveable home.

I also need to talk to Him and tell him that I am going to start staying home more often. I need to focus on my course work and get more sleep. I know his reaction will be that he will want to have sleep-overs at my house, but I am going to have to veto that decision.

I have to veto it because I am realizing that he is more needy than normal also, which is unattractive to some degree. The more you push yourself on me the less I want it. It's one thing to snuggle and be close and it's another to smother me. I need a bit of breathing room and I think maybe we'll be able to get back on track (I have kind of frozen in time and am not letting any feelings progress in any direction). I am sure his reaction will be to jump to conclusions that I want out, but I really, at this point just need to re-group. Get my priorities in line. Get my home and mind organized and decluttered.

I'm a good Dad

I just skimmed some of my past entries, trying to gauge how far I have come in the last year. One thing that I had to work on, and continue to work on is being a good father. And I don't mean it's an ongoing struggle to be a good Dad, like it had been for me last year when I couldn't focus on real life. I mean it's a struggle I will always have, because I never want to stop improving. It's the career I chose to have and one I want to continually improve on.

Today is a great example of my life as a single Dad. I woke up an hour before my son. I had my shower, ironed my work clothes, made a fruit smoothie (after all you are what you eat...), and got my son up and ready. That included getting him dressed, fed, cleaned, teeth brushed and out the door for school. I drove him half an hour from my home to his preschool and waited to speak with his teacher and kissed him goodbye. I then jumped on the highway back to the city to work. Put in a full day and back out of the city to pick up my son from the ex-mother-in-law.

We got in the door, and I set him up with his favorite vintage cartoon, while I made not one but two suppers, because he changed his mind and refused to eat the fish I made him. His eating patterns have been a struggle because he is picky, so I have learned to make a few things if I need to, to ensure he gets a full belly. After supper we read a book, played a game and he pulled every toy out of his toy box. Then when it was bath time, we picked up the toys (without me having to ask for help), I ran his bath and then did dishes while he played in the water (for the record I can see the tub from the kitchen sink). Hair washed, fingernails cut, Q-tips used to clean the ears. Then another couple of episodes of the cartoon and then snuggle time in bed.

I love him. He loves me. His Mom is still currently his favorite, and part of that makes me jealous, but I look at how he is comfortable with me, and plays jokes on me and wants to snuggle and I realize that I'm doing a good job.

Is there room for improvement? Sure... but it's getting better. We have made a lot of great memories this year. From going to many new playgrounds, to beaches, to kayaking, to camping, to Canada's Wonderland, to airplane trips, to farms... we do simple life-enriching things. I am a Dad who will be loved by his son.

Wishlist... custody

A few things I wish that I had been more diligent about or didn't give up on during the drafting of the court order for access/custody of my son...

I wish I had not settled for less than 50%. From the day she moved out of the house and took my son with her, I told her I would not settle for less than 50% of his time. Part of that thought could be looked at as me being selfish, but my goal was for him to have maximum time with each qualified, active and loving parent. We were both good parents. He benefited from interacting with each of us, why wouldn't 50/50 work?

For those Dads like me, who ache for their children when they are not around, a 50/50 arrangement can work. I drive an extra hour every trip to get him or drop him off before and after work and it's all worth it. My best days are the ones I have him with me.

I had also sought the advice of a child psychologist before filing for court to see what was best for my son, given the relationship he had had with both parents when we were married and she said to stay as close to his normal routine as possible, which would be 50/50. It fell on deaf ears with my ex. I offered for her to go talk to the psychologist too and she refused. I did what I saw best for him.

I ended up settling for taking 3 of every 7 days. That's pretty close to 50/50 but still thrown in my face whenever the opportunity arises. In fact today she said that she still thinks he should be in one bed every night. Even though it's not realistic, she feels that would be more beneficial than the arrangement we have now.

I also wish that I had stipulated that I not be the only one to drop him off. That was thrown in my face yesterday.

I agreed to that because I felt that it was not a point worthy of arguing over, because I will do anything for my son. I would pick him up at the north pole if she got re-married to Santa Claus, because I love the time with him.

Sure it's inconvenient, and I had to face her hateful family during transition times, but I made a point to not be intimidated. I have always removed my sunglasses and looked them in the eye. Why? Because my son should not be forced to endure adults being childless. Unfortunately, her family cannot see things the same way. Here it is a year and a half later and I still can't get a hello, or a comment about his day. NOTHING. And not that I care to talk, but I think for my son, it would show a healthy relationship that people can have because he is that important in all of our lives.

I also wish that I had made sure that it was clearly written in stone that I get one full week with him every year, at my choosing for vacations. I had to beg to have what ended up being less than a week for him to spend with my Mother in the country. And even then, I had to sacrifice other days of my regular schedule to get her to agree. Or the five days I took him to visit my Sister out of province. It was like pulling teeth. But did I put up a fight when she wanted to take him out of the country for the second year in a row for a full week? No. In fact I handed her spending money, so he could buy a few tourist items to remember the trip with her family.

And one of the last things, I wish I had been more diligent about, was a thing called the right of first refusal. I spoke with my lawyer about it, and thought that we had included it, but it probably got lost in the million revisions my ex's douche of a lawyer requested. It is where there's an instance where it's technically my ex's time, but she is not able to be with my son, for whatever reason... be it a work commitment or a date or whatever else she might get up to in the future and I have the right to have him for that period of time, over him being with a babysitter or some other caregiver. And I have the right to refuse it before he is given to any caregiver, but I doubt I ever would.

So there's my wishlist. Things to think about while you are fighting for the right to see your children. I have said it before, if you are ever in my situation, get a good lawyer.

Divorce thoughts.

I grew up in a home with married parents. There were no step parents, not step-siblings, just the regular nuclear family. When I proposed to my wife I expected the same life. One where the husband and wife were committed to each other for the rest of their lives, and had children and raised them together and have some picture perfect moments.

A lot of that outlook on adulthood, was no doubt the result of my environment and media. It wasn't just my upbringing because my parents did not have the ideal marriage. My Dad was the ruler of the home and we all had to follow or hell would break loose. There were nights where my sister and I were woken up to the sound of a yelling match between my parents. There were years of my life where I wish my parents would get divorced. But it never happened.

I NEVER thought I would ever get divorced. I never thought I'd have an end to that relationship. And here I am a year later, still spinning from the thought that I would be divorced. I would be a statistic. That my son would not be raised with two parents in one home.

I have to wonder how different divorce would be for someone with no children. Without much doubt, I can say it has got to be a lot easier. Sure the pain of losing your best friend and everything that is familiar is hard and seems unbearable. But you can also leave that relationship knowing you never have to deal with that person again. You don't have to talk to them on a regular basis. You don't have to always wonder what they might be up to.

If I had no son in the mix, I would have left this city and started up a new life. Surrounded myself with all things unfamiliar. A new city, a new job and new friends. It would surely be an adventure instead of feeling completely lost in the world you once knew every corner of.

I had an email disagreement with the ex today. I so badly wanted to say that I had made the biggest mistake of my life and wanted a do-over. But I can't. I'm gay. And too much damage has been done. Life is more familiar and I have a good circle of friends... but it's not what I grew up expecting my life to be like... and that's a hard pill to swallow.

Positive Thoughts.

I thought I'd document my positive thoughts lately.

I'm feeling good about myself. I have been eating better. Even when my son wanted chicken nuggets and french fries from Wendy's, I got a salad. That being said, I should probably say, that I'm not a 300lb gay man that only eats fast food and can't find love, cause I of a horrible outward appearance. I'm actually a good looking guy, who weight around 170lb. I am average for my height, but have been trying to focus more on my fitness and eating because I want to live a long healthy life, want to have a better body image and cause it makes me feel better.

My relationship with Him, has stabled out lately. Could be because there aren't really any other male influences being hung out with. On a side note... apparently his ex is now dating someone else. His reaction was better than I expected.

And while working on a project with a friend, I met four new gay males, that have all added me to facebook. Two of them, I believe were interested in me, which helps boost my confidence. And two of them were engaged... which gives me hope that I will be able to settle down with a hot guy and build a strong foundation with.

On the ex front. Things are calmed down quite a bit, in that we are aware and careful with each other's emotions. Legally, things still slowly tick along. She wants the divorce to take place ASAP but doesn't want to sign the court order for our financial items. My lawyer has guided me, and I trust her judgement, as always.

My son is always good. He's honestly the best son a man could ask for. Perfect.

So there it is. A quick glimpse of positivity in my life. It's not all bad one year in.

Why is it so rare?

So I have had quite a broad spectrum of reactions to my coming out as a gay man, after being married. I suspect it's not really that different for any gay man, but definitely something to really think about.

Why is it so rare to receive a response of sympathy? Now, before I piss anyone off... I don't mean... oh I feel sorry for you because you're gay... or sucks to be you, you freak. I don't agree with either of those statements... this is who I am and I'm okay with it... I don't feel abnormal in the least. In fact, now that I'm coming out, I feel more normal than I ever have.

I am talking about a reaction where the friend, family member, or co-worker... who ever they are says, wow I feel really bad that you had to grow up, or live life as an adult and feel like you had to hide part of who you are. That you've felt that your family or friends would judge you in a way that you might have felt bad about your sexual orientation.

Why is it so rare?

I am not looking for anyone in my life to feel like I deserve more sympathy than my ex-wife or son, for all that they have gone through or are going through... but I am looking for more understanding at the challenge that I faced in my decision to admit to the world that I'm a gay man. And that my not fully recognizing that until I was married, owning a house and raising a child only made it that much more difficult to admit.

Intimidation

The ability to have access to my son is something I do not take for granted. I had a long drawn-out fight and a lot of tears shed to maintain an almost 50/50 split of his time with my ex-wife-to-be. That does not mean that everything is friggin butterflies and kittens now. There are days where I have to "exchange" him with members of my in-laws because either the ex is at work, or with friends... or whatever.

The last few months have found me reaching a fairly calm level of interaction with my ex-mother-in-law. A bitch, I should not have to be nice to for all of the bullshit she pulled in the battle I had to maintain my rights to my son. But for the sake of my son's mental health, I put on a fake smile and am polite if nothing else. The same cannot be said for that family.

A new example, which caused pain yesterday, was my first face-to-face interaction with the ex's baby brother. A man who I met when he was probably ten years old, and he admittedly doesn't remember life before me being with his sister. A man who I asked to be my best man because he was like a brother I never had by blood. And a man who in the last few years has made many stupid mistakes in his personal life that both put his life and his family's lives in danger.

It went like this. It's almost 5pm, my drop off time. I walk my son up to the front door and ring the door bell. I kiss my son and tell him that I'll see him Wednesday and that I'll miss him. I hear some commotion in the house but still no one answers the door. I continue to talk to my son and try and get him excited to see his Mom. Still nothing. Then the front door finally opens and there he stands, T. I open the screen door and put my son on the floor and put a couple of things I had in my hands down on a table next to the door. T stands there with a look of disgust in his face and hate in his eyes.

My poor son puts his arms out to me and doesn't want me to leave. I immediately have to fight back tears, thinking he doesn't understand and isn't comfortable in one of his homes. I ask where his Mom is, and he says downstairs in her room. I try and explain it to my son, but it doesn't matter. He's too overwhelmed by the situation. Finally, after some waiting and her brother yelling her name, she emerges. I truly believe the whole interaction was constructed to intimidate me, but instead caused my son confusion and pain.

I left him in my ex's arms. And as I backed out of the driveway I am dailing her cell phone. But she doesn't answer any of my three attempts. Luck I guess, because my anger would have gotten the better of me. Instead on the third call I had the smarts to hang up and not leave a message. Instead I cried, remembering the look in my son's eyes and admitting to myself that yes I was intimidated. T is a loose canon that cannot be trusted.

Today, immediately after I post his entry, I am writing an email to my lawyer. I will ask that she send a letter to opposing counsel encouranging his client to ensure that my son is not put in that situation ever again. And if we are forced to have a review of the arrangment, which the ex had propsed during the access settlement in November, then the topic of exchange location and with whom will also be re-examined.

And, I'm also going to suggest that we ask for information about T's intention to stay back in the home my son is living in. He just arrived back in the home after a couple years of living away. My concern is the danger he may also bring to that home, with my son inside.

I have made mistakes in the past, I admit, but I try and keep my son's best interests at heart. When all is said and done, yesterday involved my four year old son standing in the foyer of his grandparent's house confused and upset. Something that could have been avoided if the ex had been able to contain her own or her brother's feelings towards me.

Where am I today...

So it's Thursday, March 5th and I'm sitting on my couch next to my son. He's four years old and watching a dvd on and eating supper. We're starting to find our rythmn. It seemed when my wife first left our marital home and we were sharing custody (without issue) things with my son hadn't changed all that much. When he was with me he was in the home he had always known and sleeping in his own bed. Things were quasi-normal for him.

Then when the house was sold and I moved back to my parents home things changed. He was a bit withdrawn and I found myself to be a bit out of sorts myself. I wasn't comfortable in my parents home... it wasn't mine. It wasn't the house I took from bleek and out of style and comfort to a home I was proud to show off and took pride in sharing the projects I had taken on myself. I also didn't realize that no longer being in the home my son always knew as his, would make him need me to actively spend more time entertaining him, or else he would sit like a zombie in front of the tv. But mentally, I wasn't the best father. I was preoccupied with all of the clutter that had filled my life. The new job, the course I had signed up for (in hopes of furthering my career someday), the thoughts of the games my wife began to play with her lawyer, the loss of some friends we had as a couple, the loss of my in-laws whom I had always been very close with. I would spend time checking facebook and email looking for clues that might tell me what she was up to... trying to prepare myself in any way I could, so I'd win whatever battle she'd wage next. It was exhausting and pulled me from my son.

Finally one day, for some reason, I was standing in the kitchen using my laptop when I looked in at my son on the couch, where I sit right now, and he looked like a zombie watching tv. I couldn't be that Dad. I couldn't let my son's life with me pass by and him not have any real memories of time with me. I never got along with my father. I never had the fun memories with my father that my friends had with theirs... I had always promised that wouldn't be my relationship with my son, yet it was essentially happening. I shut my laptop and went in and snuggled him. I apologized to him and he asked for what. I didn't tell him why... that I had become a bad father... but I made a vow to myself that I would make great memories with him. Sure he wouldn't have the "picture perfect" cliched family you saw on tv when I was growing up, but it didn't mean he couldn't have the best relationship with his Dad... it didn't mean he had to grow up feeling like he missed out on something. It's been a couple of months since I had that revelation, but there are still days that I start to get preoccupied... but I catch myself and switch it off... the time with my son is valuable. Before I know it he'll be too big to want to spend time at home in the evenings with his Dad when he can be out with his friends. I'm going to enjoy it.

I still have a long road ahead of me... but where I am right now... sitting on a couch next to my son, just being is where I am today and where I want to be.

My fear about being gay.

So I'm coming to realize that I have a huge fear about being gay... and it's not even really just because I'm a gay Dad. My fear is that by giving up my marriage, I also gave up on a long-term relationship possibiliy, that would have survived past retirement, and probably to the end of my life.
I know that I've only been single for less than a year, but I'm realizing that I hate being alone. I hate not having that companionship. I like having someone to come home to, or having someone come home to me. Someone to eat with, someone to care for and take care of. I like to share my life.
Sure, I'm sane and dateable, but will I ever find someone who is as into me as I am into them. Someone who will want to snuggle with me for decades to come. Someone who wants to make memories with me?
The nights that I sleep alone in bed, or in my empty house physically hurt my heart. I can physically feel pain in my chest, as I miss someone. When I finally get to sleep, I wake up periodically checking my cell phone for a missed call or text, and I feel that empty side of the bed, hoping someone slipped into it that I can shift over to and feel their warmth and comfort.

And the fear is compounded by the fact that I'm a father. And I would NEVER give up my son. That's a non-issue. The issue, is that I fear that my ability to find that long-term bond with some man is even harder cause many gay men probably didn't want to have children in their lives. Didn't expect to share their boyfriend or partner with a child.

So I close off tonight in my empty bed. I am thinking of someone special I wish was next to me and pray that they will be the one to fill up my heart and years to come with many happy memories.

I'm a single gay Dad

So I am going to try and keep some sort of momentum and continue to write, on what I hope is a regular basis. Like the title of this post states, I am a single gay Dad. I am not raising my son alone. I have shared custody with my soon to be ex-wife. I esentially have a 50/50 arrangment, which was in no way easy for me to attain.
When we were happily married, my wife and I shared all of the duties associated with raising our child. I got up for night feedings, I changed diapers, I cleaned and boiled bottles, I gave all of the baths when he was first born, cause she was afraid to drop him. I snuggled and read him books and had a ritual of having quite time in his room after he was asleep and before I went to bed where I'd sneak in and listen to three breaths before I'd go to bed myself. I was a good Dad with a strong bond... just as strong I would argue as his mother.
Strangely, after we seperated all of that was forgotten. I suddenly was the enemy, no matter how much my son still needed me. I was his Dad, but I was gay. Apparently, that aspect of sexual orientation was going to cloud my ability to be a good father in the future.
I went from a life of seeing, holding and loving my son EVERYDAY to every other day, in the beginning of the seperation, to at the worst point only a couple of days a week. I didn't take it laying down. I had a good lawyer that I trusted and filed to take her to court, when she decided I only needed to see him every other weekend and one day on the weeks I didn't have him for the weekend. I was devistated to be honest. I told someone who had been my best friend my deepest secret and not that I expected acceptance, but I didn't expect for her to forget who I was. The one thing that defined me most was being a Dad and she forgot I could do that... and at times probably better than any man she knew in her life... certainly better than any man in her family, and possibly mine.
The seperation took it's toll on all of us. I can't speak for her, but I can speak for myself and in part for my son. My son was and probably is still very confused. He didn't understand why Mom and Dad weren't ever with him together, or why Mom and he had moved to his grandparent's house while Dad stayed in his home and got ready to sell the house. He didn't understand the tears, or the fighting we tried unsuccessfully to never do in front of him. He was confused and felt pain. Pain I would do anything to take away from him. I just pray that he's young enough to never remember the hardest of days.
I also found myself wrapped up in my own feelings and forgot how to be that Dad I always was. Initially, I thought I had to keep him busy when we were together. I had to be fun so he'd want to be with me. And there were times where I was too quiet, lost in the feelings I was having. The all consuming fears of not being happy again, and that I had ruined everyone else's lives. But some how my son got my focus turned back around. He just wanted to spend time with me. Reading a book, or snuggling, or just hanging out. And I found how to be that good father again... someone I am proud of. I'm a single gay Dad.

I wonder where to start...

I'm not sure if anyone will ever find this blog, or you find it will you be interested enough to come back... I just don't know. I think maybe I'm reading this as a theraphy of sorts for myself, and maybe, just maybe it will help someone else out there struggling to find themselves be successful in being true to themself.

I guess I'll start with the present state I'm in and work back a bit... and who knows I might jump around a lot, all in the attempt to share my personal story with hopefully someone who reads it.

It's the first day of 2009 and I am a single father. I'm single because last year I admitted to my wife that I was gay. GAY. It was a notion I never fathomed that I would ever say out loud or even really admit to myself. In fact I believed for years that I wasn't gay. Maybe I was bisexual. Or maybe everyone had these feelings. I don't know. Psychology and sociology were not my majors in university. My belief at this point, and I heard this from someone... so I'm not saying I made it up... but that sexuality is a spectrum and everyone fits in the middle somewhere. I had to admit I was farther to the gay end than I had ever tried to exhibit publicly.

So yeah... it's the first day of 2009. I'm almost seven months into my separation and have good days and bad days. I miss parts of my old life, but like the feeling of contentment that I never had when I was trying to be something I wasn't. I have moved back to my parent's home, got rid of the majority of my personal belongings in my move, and have had to deal with the roller coasters of feeling I personally had about my life and who I am, as well as the very volitile roller coaster of my ex-wife. I had to fight to maintin my rights to my child and the right to (50%) a shared parenting plan. And all the financial stuff is still not out of the way.

From the day I told my wife until today has been a life time of thought. I never thought I'd make it, but with great friends and family, and the right therapist, I am doing fine and know I'll be okay.

So to end for today... this blog is about my journey to become the man I've always been... and just maybe couldn't see or admit to myself. I will be happy. We will all be happy. Thanks for reading.