Is the end really in sight?

So I just got home from what felt like a long overdue vacation. I'm back in the country for three days and I'm already considering backing my bags and never coming back.

I had left work with a project incomplete. I had asked a senior level co-worker to help on an issue I had been having. An issue which I had spent days on, even working overtime and on my weekend trying to resolve without success. I get back to work and the file had not been touched. GREAT!

On the day I get home I call my ex-wife and request some time with my son. It's not my day, but I haven't seen him in a week. I figure it's pretty self-explanitory, but apparently she's no longer fluent in common sense (oh that's right, I got that in the divorce settlement). So after pointless conversation I'm allowed to pick him up for about three hours.

When I get him he's a little distant. It hurts, but he's only a little boy. Then like being hit by a truck I realize that this is my life. I will never ever have my son in my home full-time, ever again. Tears flood my eyes as I drive from her street. I move the rear-view mirror so he doesn't see me cry. It's been the better part of a year and it's finally settling in. Nothing to date has hurt this much. I never expected to only have a fraction of my son's time. Even now, as I look across my desk at his pictures I have to fight back tears.

And my love life? Well it's more turmoil. I'm at a loss as to whether being in a relationship with anyone is worth the effort. Maybe I just need to be alone. Feel the gravity of my life and find a way to rise above it.

Oh and the final straw came today... over a month after our scheduled court case to settle the financial portion of the seperation and there are further delays, and now new expenses for me. Ones I didn't want to pay, but my lawyer advised I swallow in an effort to minimize cost and frustraton.

I'm not able to concentrate on work, deadlines are looming, I'm broke, I have appointments with bankers, doctors, teachers. I haven't been exercising, or studying, or cleaning the house. I am seconds away from letting the last strands of the rope go and run in opposite direction.

I had a friend say, it's going to get better, and surely it will... but right now it doesn't make me feel better, or pull me from the brink of insanity.

Here is hoping that the strength that's hidden inside me show's it's face again and I get through it without being fired, or quitting, without declaring bankruptcy, without ending relationships and without completely disappearing and changing my name.

Once a cheater?

So, not sure if I mentioned it before, or whether it even needs to be mentioned, but I cheated on my wife while we were married. I was very fortunate to have never gotten caught, but it was still wrong. Not something I am proud of, but it helped me discover who I am, so it was a necessary step in the process.

As a man developing a new relationship, I find myself wondering if what all the audience members on shows like Ricki Lake and Maury Povich say is true... once a cheater, always a cheater. Am I destined to cheat on my future partner? Is he destined to cheat on me, if he's cheated before? And are all gay men more permiscious?

And then really, I think about whether the males (or females, even) of the human species are programmed for monogomy. Aren't we supposed to spread our seed to as many fertile specimens as possible? Is cheating, really just following what our genes are telling us to do?

I know that I don't want to be a cheater. I don't want to ruin future relationships. I want to be open and honest and no go back to the double life I lived in my head so long.

I even think of cheating scenarios when I masterbate, or fantasize in general. It's never me cheating, but Him. I think about him in sexual acts with friends, hot guys I see, or even his ex. Is that normal? Does it just affirm my attraction to Him?

That's what I ask you, brilliant internet... once a cheater, always a cheater?? If someone's completely honest?

Being gay has help me learn to bite.

It's been over ten months and her anger seems more heated the last couple of weeks. I doubt it's just coincidence, I'm sure it has everything to do with my telling her I was taking a vacation, and that I wasn't going alone. Whatever the reason for her new level of hate I've had to perfect my biting skills.

I've never been one to pick a fight, but I've always been someone who defended myself. I can argue every point... it's a gift I inherited from my father. My ex-wife knows this every well; when I'm being attacked I can take it only so long before I blow up.

It's been a long ten months and very challenging. I've let her get to me on many occasions, just as I have gotten to her. But I have done very well at biting my tongue and keeping things to myself in certain instances, but surely there's been a time after biting my tongue that I get my point across or defend myself when it will be better received.

The last few days I have received emails where she's very short with me and asks pointed questions, and I can see she's (a) hurting and (b) trying to get me going. I've got enough strength to not give in this time.

I have drafted responses where I defend myself and push back... then I let them sit open on my desktop all day, or put them in my saved file to re-read when I have a clear mind. And then I've been good enough to go back and delete them. Focusing, instead on the pain that is being sent, and not the attack. I start the responses again and have a very calm approach, and re-read it to make sure it won't fuel the fire. I have even been leaving out points I want to make, so as to not perpetuate the negativity.

I've asked her to also attend counseling with me. To become better co-parents and support for our son and to heal ourselves. All three times I've been very serious about the request and I've been flatly told no. She says she doesn't want to be blamed for things to make me feel better.

I never thought I was ever going to be someone who could bite their tongue when I knew I wasn't completely wrong. But I realize it now. I don't need to be right and have other people see it. I guess it's been a character building exercise for me.