Saturday night

It's strange to think of where I would have been mentally last year and see where I stand today. Last year, if I was sitting home alone on a Saturday night, I would have been wondering what Him was up to behind my back. I would be scanning facebook for any sign of what he might be up to. I would be trying to call or text Him to see where he was.

But here I am a year later, and I haven't even seen him in a few days, and barely spoke to him in the last 24 hours and it doesn't bother me. I fully capable and able to go out driving to see if he's home, or out at a bar, or at someone's place, but I don't care.

He could be having sex with someone else, and I know that and must be okay with it, because I am not in the least bit tempted to call him. I'm thinking of flossing, brushing and going to bed.

My healing and rebuilding is definitely working. I have seen changes in my body physically because of my focus on diet and exercise and now I'm taking stock of the fact that I'm okay with being single and not dependant Him anymore.

Got Cruised.

So I go to yoga, alone as usual. I head to the changing room and rip off my street clothes and put on my yoga gear, fill up my water bottle and head back out of the changing room door when a handsome young guy is on his way in. We make eye contact as we pass, but I figure he's just another college kid with maybe a glimmer of interest, or maybe, and more realistically just wishful thinking on my part.

I go into the studio and put my mat down at the front of the class. I stretch and wait for class to start. As is customary, in the first pose of the class, I scan the class to locate the college kid and any other hot guys that might be in the class. Just the regular inventory that I do every class I attend.

After class I notice the same guy in the changing room. He's got a bit of a strut and walks around the changing room after his shower completely naked and not embarrassed by his body, and he shouldn't be. He is in great shape and knows it.

I hop in the shower, get cleaned up and then grab my clothes and get dressed. And on a few occasions I notice him looking my way. Not getting any response from me, and probably not wanting to lurk around more than is acceptable he goes out to the lobby to leave. I quickly throw on my clothes so I can get another look and maybe make some more eye contact to confirm he was interested in me, and it wasn't just hopeful thinking.

In the lobby he clearly locks eyes with me and holds it the same length I do too. I mentally am aware I am being cruised, and it's someone I would totally be into. He soon leaves but stalls right outside the door looking back a couple of times. I say goodbye to the instructor and head out the door. He's walking in the same direction I am going, only he's on a cell phone. I follow close behind hoping he'll turn around and smile. No luck. Finally we come to a point where I have to turn left towards my car and he's going straight. He looks in my direction but is still on the phone so I can't even offer a "hello".

I speed walk to my car and make the decision that I will drive by and if I get acknowledgement I will offer him a ride. But I must have taken too long because he's out of sight. I drive a few streets in the area and cannot locate him. I give up and think about how desperate I must look and turn towards home. And a few blocks north I see him. Holy shit.

Suddenly, I am the cruiser. I drive by and catch his attention at a set of lights. He smiles as he crosses the street in front of me. I keep driving and see he has turned around to see where I'm headed. I pull a uturn and head back. Slow down next to him and offer him a ride. He accepts...

He hops in my car and gives me directions to his apartment. I ask if he wants to grab a coffee or something and he agrees. I stop in front of his place and he says that he'd like to have a quick shower because he didn't remember to bring his soap to yoga and wants to freshen up. He asks if I want to come up. I of course accept the offer.

We talk for a bit and then he hops in. I make a few phone calls and then he's out, in just his towel. Inside I'm drooling. The guy couldn't be any hotter. He's handsome, fit and confident. He rummages around for something to wear and is soon dressed. We talk some more about the city and have a glass of water. Each of us taking the chance to stand closer to each other. Then just before we are about to leave he asks if he can kiss me. MELT.

I agree and he slowly moves in. We kiss passionately. Holy crap, this is really happening. And the more we kiss the more he is slowly moving backwards until he reaches the edge of his bed. We make out for a while and then my hands are all over his chest and soon I am licking his nipples and feeling for his belt.

In no time, I have his pants off and I'm licking his cock thru his underwear and he's moaning and pushing his crotch into my face. I can't help it, I have to taste his cock. I'm so into him, watching his eyes and seeing him enjoy it, that I don't even care if I get off myself.

I suck his dick for a while until he's begging me to stop or he's going to blow. Then I give his nuts some attention. He's love it, but I don't stop there. I work my way behind his balls and lick his taint until he's moaning. And then I spread his ass cheeks and he's going crazy. I rim his hot hole until he is making puddles of precum on his tight stomach.

Then we switch positions for a while and he's sucking my dick. And he's pretty good. Definitely into trying to please me. I'm in awe of this beautiful man pleasuring me that I am trying to etch the imagine in my brain. And then I'm the one asking him to stop. He does and crawls up my body to fuck my face. I'm loving the feeling of him pounding my throat and using me for his own pleasure. Then he stops and sits his hot ass on my face and begs me to eat his ass some more. I gladly lap at is while he jerks his cock above my head.

Then he gets down and lays next to me asking me to blow him until he cums. I gladly do. He's laying on his back spread out and enjoying it until he's ready to blow. I pull off and he blows a massive load onto his stomach. Then he returns the favor for me.

It was the HOTTEST sexual experience of my life. Damn!

So I have been working on my fitness. Trying to get off those evil pounds that I gained during the seperation. It's a struggle for me, as for everyone, but one I am determined to win... again.

It was only a couple of years ago that I was a weight I was happy with, and I got there by simply running 3 - 4 times a week and being more aware of my eating. So far this month, I have been working out 3-4 times a week and trying to eat better, but damn it if there isn't extras sitting around the house from Christmas... chocolate, cookies, chips, pop. And sadly I don't have a lot of will power when those things are in my house and open. If they are brand new I can usually avoid eating them, cause I won't open them, but if it's open I'm no good.

Well... enough sitting here, I better hit the treadmill. If only my abs were as tight and muscular as my legs... I'd be one of the hottest guys in this city.

Time heals, as they say

So after last week's exchange of goods and phone calls, I didn't hear from Him. No calls. No text messages. No online chats. It was dead silence. And that shocked me a little because we had ended the call on Monday evening on a positive note.

Every so often I would get the urge and start to dial or key a text but then stop myself because I had told myself it was up to him to initiate the next contact. That he deserved the space he needed. I would even see him online and think about starting the conversation... hoping for it, but then after a while I would sign off and move onto something else.

Finally, Thursday evening came and I got a call. He said he still wanted to have a face-to-face talk, and although I had come to dread the idea, he of course deserved whatever he needed to move forward. We agreed that at the end of the weekend we would meet.

I ended up going out Friday night with a (female) friend, which was the escape I needed after a hellish work week. We shared a lot of laughs and it was nice to be out and not thinking about answering to anyone to dispel any insecurity.

Saturday, I got up and ran some errands and then when finishing my lunch I got a phone call from Him. It was quite normal except for a slightly muted tone in his voice. He asked a couple of times during the call about whether I would be heading out to one of the gay bars in the city. I said that it wasn't likely, although at that point in my day I had no idea if I was doing anything that night. It also made me aware that if I did, chances are he would be checking it out, to see who I was hanging out with. I asked if he would be interested in seeing Avatar and then talking and he didn't really provide an answering either direction.

Sunday came, I got some groceries and was putting them away when I got a text message from Him. He hates texting but tried to carry on a conversation in this medium and I finally told him to call me because I couldn't text and do dishes at the same time. He called, we agreed on lunch and then a movie. After the movie I asked if he wanted me to come up to talk and he agreed. We sat on the couch and thru some tears he got out that initially last week he thought there was no way he could be my friend. That he wasn't sure how he would heal to have me in his life but the time he spent that week had made him realize that he wanted me in his life in some way rather than not at all. And I told him how I felt and that neither of us knows what the future holds but that I didn't want to give false hope either. That my feelings weren't romantic at this point and who knows what the future brings.

There was a level of relief achieved. Conversation returned to normal and we just enjoyed hanging out. We grabbed sushi for supper, watched a bit of TV and I went home at the end of the night. Things will be okay. Although I never want to hurt this man, it was necessary for him to feel some upset now to save a lot in the future (if things continued to breakdown). We'll see what happens from here on out.

So yesterday afternoon I got an email from Him telling me that he wanted to meet to return items I have left at his place over the last year, and for me to return his items to him. I agreed and also put in a comment that I guess this meant that he clearly did not want to be friends.

Since I had decided to rebuild myself I check out when a yoga class was offered in the evening, so I wasn't wasting my whole evening on being upset. There was one that started at 6pm. I rushed home after work, gathered his things, gathered my yoga things and headed out the door. Unfortunately traffic in the city was in grid-lock and I was forced to miss the 6pm class. I decided instead to head directly to his place and face the music.

To my surprise (who am I kidding I knew he wouldn't be home, but instead be with his best girlfriend bashing the situation, no doubt) he wasn't home. I used my keys to his place and dropped his things off with a note and grabbed the bags of things he had gathered of mine. I took a last look around thinking maybe this was the last time I would see his place and made my way out of the apartment that at one point felt more like my home, than the house I live in does.

I looked at the clock and figured I might as well head back into the city and try for the next yoga class, which I would have plenty of time to make. I found a parking spot and sat listening to music for a while. It was bitter cold out and I figured it was better to wait a bit longer in my warm car. Then my cell phone rings and it's Him. I answer and I can tell from his tone he is not happy.

I let him get a few things out, until my defenses get the better of me and I start laying it into him as well as he's laying it into me. I want to hang up so bad and throw my hands up but I don't. I continue to fight until I have to get to my class. I know it's not impressing him but I need the quiet zen world of yoga to take over my mind. I say goodbye and go in and escape the world.

After class and a cold shower I am walking back to my car and instinctively I dial his number. As it begins to ring I almost hang up but figure I have to have some peace. I tell him I'm sorry that I allowed the last conversation to get out of hand. That I shouldn't have responded to his upset in the way I did and apologize. I also tell him how much he has meant to me but things have become more complicated than I can handle. That I have been fighting guilt issues in my head and am not as put together as I probably look. And that in order to save myself from completely losing him to some big fight I had decided I needed to tell him I felt that we were just friends. That due to the situation with his ex, I have started to protect myself and in doing so withdrew from him. That I was sorry but I couldn't help it. I was starting to shut down because that is how I deal with certain things. My system doesn't deal with a million problems at once. I choose the ones that require my attention most and right now it is my son and my own strength.

He appreciated where I was coming from and thanked me for calling. I know it's not resolved to his liking but I feel like he was able to see things from my point and not from his hurt or rejected standpoint. We ended the call on a positive note around 10pm last night and I am going to leave it in his ball court now for making the next contact.

Time to rebuild

So the holidays were a whirlwind of events, just like most years. As the dust settles and decorations were taken down, I also found myself face-to-face in a conversation about the relationship I have/had with Him.

It was Saturday night and after a night of drinking the topic reared it’s ulgy head. It is a conversation I knew I had to have but didn’t think it was the right time, exactly. But when he was pushing me, I felt he deserved me to be honest. I shared with him that I allowed myself to be hurt more than I should have when I found out he was talking with his ex and that in sheltering my feelings I allowed us to only become friends. And I think that is the jest of it. I cannot figure out what else would be going on in my head because he is a “great catch” if there is one.

He was very upset about it and has refused to talk to me, saying only that we will meet to give back certain things that ended up at each other’s places. I understand his hurt because in his head (from what he told me) he was still seeing this perfect future for us. But I also know there was disappointment in his eyes when he wasn’t getting certain feelings back from me, because I was less invested, and he deserves better than that.

Part of me wants to run back, because maybe he is the one and I’m screwing myself over for some reason. But I have to stick to the ideas that (a) I don’t want to hurt him more than I have and (b) things happen for a reason and if we’re meant to be together then it will all come to play again.

For now, it’s time to rebuild. I am going to focus on my fitness and eating and shed the weight that has found its evil way onto my body. I have lots to keep me occupied with family and work commitments. I know I will be okay. We will all be okay, but I’m afraid I may have lost my best friend.