So yesterday afternoon I got an email from Him telling me that he wanted to meet to return items I have left at his place over the last year, and for me to return his items to him. I agreed and also put in a comment that I guess this meant that he clearly did not want to be friends.

Since I had decided to rebuild myself I check out when a yoga class was offered in the evening, so I wasn't wasting my whole evening on being upset. There was one that started at 6pm. I rushed home after work, gathered his things, gathered my yoga things and headed out the door. Unfortunately traffic in the city was in grid-lock and I was forced to miss the 6pm class. I decided instead to head directly to his place and face the music.

To my surprise (who am I kidding I knew he wouldn't be home, but instead be with his best girlfriend bashing the situation, no doubt) he wasn't home. I used my keys to his place and dropped his things off with a note and grabbed the bags of things he had gathered of mine. I took a last look around thinking maybe this was the last time I would see his place and made my way out of the apartment that at one point felt more like my home, than the house I live in does.

I looked at the clock and figured I might as well head back into the city and try for the next yoga class, which I would have plenty of time to make. I found a parking spot and sat listening to music for a while. It was bitter cold out and I figured it was better to wait a bit longer in my warm car. Then my cell phone rings and it's Him. I answer and I can tell from his tone he is not happy.

I let him get a few things out, until my defenses get the better of me and I start laying it into him as well as he's laying it into me. I want to hang up so bad and throw my hands up but I don't. I continue to fight until I have to get to my class. I know it's not impressing him but I need the quiet zen world of yoga to take over my mind. I say goodbye and go in and escape the world.

After class and a cold shower I am walking back to my car and instinctively I dial his number. As it begins to ring I almost hang up but figure I have to have some peace. I tell him I'm sorry that I allowed the last conversation to get out of hand. That I shouldn't have responded to his upset in the way I did and apologize. I also tell him how much he has meant to me but things have become more complicated than I can handle. That I have been fighting guilt issues in my head and am not as put together as I probably look. And that in order to save myself from completely losing him to some big fight I had decided I needed to tell him I felt that we were just friends. That due to the situation with his ex, I have started to protect myself and in doing so withdrew from him. That I was sorry but I couldn't help it. I was starting to shut down because that is how I deal with certain things. My system doesn't deal with a million problems at once. I choose the ones that require my attention most and right now it is my son and my own strength.

He appreciated where I was coming from and thanked me for calling. I know it's not resolved to his liking but I feel like he was able to see things from my point and not from his hurt or rejected standpoint. We ended the call on a positive note around 10pm last night and I am going to leave it in his ball court now for making the next contact.