My mind is racing...

So it's after midnight on Sunday night. Normally, I would be fast asleep, but tonight I sit alone in my room watching a movie and it's one of those disaster movies where it's potentially the end of the world. And it gets me to thinking about what I would feel in that same situation.

Here is a coles notes version and what I think it might mean:

If it was going to be the end of the world, I would do whatever it takes to get to my son and ex-wife... whatever it takes and whatever I would have to endure. Even if it meant spending my last days in the company of only my in-laws. Both my son and ex-wife mean that much to me.

I have also thought about what I think people don't understand about my choice to come out. It is not that I stopped loving my wife. I DIDN'T. I still love her!!! And I love her more than most of my "straight" friends and family love their spouses. And then people might say, well you are not in love with her, but YES I AM. I am in love with everything that she is. I can't say there aren't things I would change about her, because we all have flaws... but I love her! The issue is that I am physically attracted to men. DOES NOT MEAN I CANNOT LOVE A WOMAN!!! DOESN'T!!

The movie also makes me wonder if I could ever find that connection with anyone ever again. I know I can love someone, and I can learn to settle (I think I can settle anyway) but I don't know if I would ever have that feeling I have for her for anyone else.

And finally, the movie makes me think... FUCK YOU IDIOT... You need to make it work somehow with her. You need to raise your son with her with both of you in his everyday life making memories and that home as one cohesive family.

In the big scheme of life I think I fucked up.

Just a quick thought on my drive to work

So this year, I started a new job and with that new job came new working hours. Hours that allow me to drop my son off at preschool on those days I am fortunate enough to have him in the morning.

We talk the whole drive to his school about what he might do that day, and if he made any new friends, etc. on his first day of class. I get to the doors and walk with the other parents, find his name tag and wait in line to sign him in and inform them who will be picking him up at the end of the day. I also get a chance to talk to his teacher and she comments on how outgoing he was on his first day, which is light years ahead of last year.

I am loving the fact that this year I will have a more active roll in my son's school. That I can have the interaction and get newsletters, etc. Last year I had to ask every month if there was anything new and usually got no for an answer, and it wasn't until May that I finally saw a book order. Not this year. I will be the one who can ask the school directly and attain the information first hand. Instead of it filtered through my ex-mother-in-law and then ex-wife.

And as if all of that wasn't a gift in itself, I realized on the drive to work that that is at least one less day a week I have to see the mother-in-law's haggard face. Yahoo!!!

Being the bigger person.

So often in conversations between Him and me, I get a lot of flack for trying to be the bigger person with my Ex. Today is a prime example. There is an event coming up that involves our son being showcased. The event requires tickets and those tickets are in high demand.

Trying to be a good father, and friend to my ex, I offer to pick up a ticket for her and she can pay me back. She doesn’t really thank me for the offer but asks that I pick up two tickets so that she can take someone with her. Now I don’t need recognition from her to say I’m doing the right thing because I am doing it for my boy. The child who deserves both of his parents to be full participants in his life and feel all the attention and love he deserves.

Due to technical difficulties and my work schedule, I am unable to get the tickets as soon as they go on sale. I speak with Him about it and explain my fear that the tickets will be sold out and we won’t have the chance to go. He offers to run to a location that will undoubtedly be able to sell tickets. In that conversation I thank him and ask him to pick up six tickets. Two of said tickets are for my ex and someone else of her choosing.

Now, on a side note, I should point out that during an event at my son’s school I showed up just as the event was about to start and after getting a text from my ex about whether I was there yet or not, I enter the building and look for my ex. Every other event at the school we have sat together as a united front for our son, even when we could barely talk to each other. We put smiles on and dealt with it. This event, the last of the school year, I walk into the room full of adults to see that my ex, her mother, and some random cousins and aunts and uncles were all sitting in the front row and not an empty seat left for me. It crushed me, not so much because of the fact that I was no longer a member of her family – which does hurt, but because my son would see her and her mother in the front row and he might not see me standing to the side of the room proudly taking pictures and hoping for a smile or wave. Finally after standing by myself and trying to hide the emotion of it all, a former high school friend of my ex-wife waved me over and offered me a seat next to her near the back of the room.

Anyway, back to today’s event’s… I have had some email exchanges with my ex confirming that I had been able to get her two tickets. She asked the price and time and I didn’t know, because I hadn’t been successful in my attempts to purchase them myself. I immediately text Him to find out. I don’t want to tell her who bought them, because it might hurt her, but I end up telling her I had someone else pick them up due to my difficulties.

Finally about an hour later I get a call from Him. He doesn’t know details, he just paid and threw them in the car. He then goes on to ask why I had offered to pick up her tickets, because remember the time at his school when there wasn’t a seat saved for you? And you had to go by yourself? Remember that? And why do I have to be so nice to her, she’s capable of picking up tickets and if she couldn’t get them, then too bad.
I shoot back that someone has to be the bigger person. Someone has to make things for our son easier and it’s me. That I’m the one that may be up against a wall, but I will do whatever I need to make sure that life is easier for my son. And that he needs both of his parents to be fully involved.

He doesn’t understand, and I am okay with it to a point, because I wanted him to remind me of how much she hurt me too (when I was in my darkest days). But why is everyone so petty?
Don’t get me wrong, I am stubborn, one of the traits I clearly got from my father, but for me the world revolves around my son and sometimes I have to be the one to shield him for the bitter world that revolves around him.

I think that I got my point across to Him. He backed down a bit and he does have a valid point to a degree, but this is my life, and this is my son’s life. If it can be easier in any way I am willing to try.

I regret that I came out

I feel like I am definitely in a transition. My mind is constantly playing thoughts in the back of my mind that creep to the forefront trying to give me the same message over and over. The problem is that message doesn’t exactly seem to be plausible in reality.

I regret the choice I made to come out to my wife. Sure I have enjoyed the freedom of single life to a degree. I have enjoyed not really having to answer to anyone when I didn’t want to. I enjoyed going out for drinks on the weekends I didn’t have my son and being that careless man who didn’t have to worry about what she would think. But the feeling that I am missing out on so many memories with my son is overwhelming and one I will always regret. The problem is that after coming out I felt whole. I felt like the complete person I had always been in my head, but part of that person was always hidden from the outside world. I had the straight me, which I projected to everyone in my daily life. I was always somewhat aware of my actions or words. When I came out I didn’t have to be aware and it felt great. It was intoxicating and I think that intoxicating feeling of being the whole me was what made me brave enough to say the words.

I have always been a planner. I have always been someone who thinks out all scenarios but I guess I wasn’t complete in thinking this through. I didn’t really think about how much I would miss my son, wife and in-laws. I know I have a great arrangement with regards to custody, but it’s still not good enough for me. I want him all the time.

And did I just say that I miss my wife and in-laws? After all the fighting, legal battles, threats to call the police on me when they didn’t feel it was my night to keep my son, the dirty looks and intimidation tactics? Yes. I miss everyone one of them. Why? Because they were my family. Because they were part of my memories and are so important in the life of my son and ex-wife.

I feel like I am on the verge of sitting my ex-wife down and talking to her about this. I want to lay my feelings out and be vulnerable and get my life back, to some degree. And this is probably why I am having overwhelming feelings of doubt with Him. That if he got annoyed enough with me and left it would be easier than for me to make a decision to end things. Our relationship has been getting worse, and between you and me, it doesn’t really bother me. In fact, I almost feel like it would be a relief. I don’t feel like I get the respect I deserve from Him at times, and it’s happened enough that I have hardened to a certain extent.

At this point, I’m just going to ride the wave a bit longer. I am going to just let life continue on the track I am on and not try and steer it into any certain direction. I just know that I’m not content and know a change will come; I just don’t know what the change will be.

If anyone out there is reading this and is thinking of having a talk to your wife about your orientation, please feel free to ask me questions. I’m over a year into the experience and am not as settled as I expected I would be.

Biting my tongue until I taste blood

It is so hard to bite my tongue. In fact, I really don't want to.

I want to tell anyone who will listen about all of the things I am going through. I want to use names. I want to put posters up around their picture perfect neighbourhood telling their neighbours and friends what the family is really like. I want to call up other members of their family and tell them what my ex and the in-laws really think of them, and how they talk behind their backs. I want to call up each of my ex's siblings and tell them what their parents really think of each of them and what the siblings think of each other.

But today, somehow, I have the strength to continue to bite my tongue. I can practically taste the blood, but because I love my son, I continue to stay as calm as I can and be a good Dad and role model for him.

But I think the other option would be much more rewarding.

Mother-in-law from Hell

So on my drive to work today a song was on the radio that took me back to last summer and where my life was then. Music has a way of making me remember specific periods of time. Could have something to do with the fact that when I like a new song I put it on repeat until I know all the words... but no matter what, periods of my life are tied to specific songs forever.

Anyway, the song today reminded me of the period of time last year, when my ex decided that the visitiation that we had (50/50) was no longer going to work for her. She and her lawyer decided that I was entitled to less. I didn't stand for it.

The particular experience the song brought out was a day I went to pick up my son after work and my Mother-in-law tried to take a bit of control. She got him ready and as he was passed to me out the door, I took his hand and she said, see you at 8:30 to my son. I started to walk to my car with him, and said, no, you'll see him in the morning. Then she said, no you have to have him back by 8:30. It took all I had to hold back and not tell the bitch exactly what I thought of her and her family for using my son to get back at me. I looked at my son, and said, no he'll be back tomorrow. It's not your fight to have. I stayed calm, used a flat tone and kept walking to my car. She kept calling the same thing out to me.

By this point another child's parent was there to pick them up, and witnessed the exchange. When I finally had my son buckled in his car seat she said, you better have him back by 8:30 or else. I said, or else what? And she said, we'll call the police. And I said, go ahead. I got in my car, checked my blind spots and drove away.

It was that exact moment in time, that I realized that I had the mother-in-law from hell. That she had overstepped her place in this divorce and made it clear what she thought of me. She was not thinking in the best interests of her Grandson, she was thinking of how she could get to me. For that she will always be a bitch!

I took him to my Mom's place, and we sat at the kitchen table and ate ham for supper. I had to leave the table twice to keep my son from seeing me completely devastated. That three year old boy was in the middle of a bunch of adults who couldn't contain themselves... but I was going to try and shield him as much as possible on my time.

I later called the police and explained the situation. I didn't want to do the wrong thing, and hurt myself when the court date arrived. I didn't want police showing up and pulling my son out of my Mother's house. I would take him back and admit defeat before he had a police officer show up for him.

The officer explained to me, that if there was no court order in place and my son was in no danger, that they would never come and take a child from a parent. So that put my mind at ease. I hadn't made a huge mistake. I don't know if they ever called the police on me. Part of me hopes they did and that they realized that she shouldn't have threatened me, or that my son should not have been exposed to that conversation.

That night, I crawled in bed with him at bed time, read him a book, and snuggled him all night long. I didn't sleep much, but he was next to me, and that's all that mattered.

My ex-wife tried to use this experience against me... saying that I shouldn't have talked to her mother that way. And I wonder how the exact story was told in that house. Someday, my ex will know the real story, because I was recording that interaction. I have it on a digital voice-recorder and will play it for her someday. Just so she knows I really didn't overstep the boundries of respect and attack the grandmother of my son.

Some songs I love, but hate the memories. This is one of them.