I'm back Bitches!

Hello Internet Friends

I'm sure no one even checks this blog by now because I've been missing in action, but I figured what the heck, I'm gonna start writing again.

So I just paused this entry to see when the last time I wrote was, and where I was in my life... wow I have some catching up to do...

So when Him came home I met him at the airport. I had gone the rest of the week missing him, mainly because I was reminiscing about our relationship and realizing that it was completely over. I picked Him up at the airport and took him home. I looked around his apartment realizing that it was one of the last times I'd surely be there. I also let those feelings get away from me and I was aggressively sexual. It was hot and passionate and I didn't really care what he wanted, I took what I wanted. It was very explosive for both of us.

The next few days were filled with work and me going back and forth on how and when I would finally confront Him. And then Thursday, while I was at work, I called him and his tone was different. I realized immediately what would cause this to happen. Him being too busy to talk at work and be short with me meant he was upset and had nothing at all to do with being busy. But I played along because work was not the time or place.

That evening we had it out. He attacked me for hooking up with his ex's new boyfriend and I laid into him about the fact that he played me for a fool for the last year and a half and how nothing he said or did mattered to me. That I was done. There were a lot of things thrown at me and I just wasn't hearing it. And in reality I had closed that door emotionally months before (November I think). And when he realized those things were not hurting me he switched gears and attempted to reconcile through begging me to stay. Give him another change. He would do anything I wanted. Give me anything I wanted. That he loved me unlike anyone he had ever met. And I believe that. I think he loved me but I don't think he knows how to be in a healthy relationship (something that ended long before).

Part of me wondered if I was strong enough to finally stand up for myself and be single. Could I really be alone? Sleep alone every night? Give up my best friend? But then I thought about how hurt I was when I found out he sexually cheated on me and the promises he made. I thought about all the pain I had gone through in my separation to try and be completely happy and this is not something I went through it all for. And really, I must remember that my son needs to see healthy relationships and this wasn't one.

There's a quick recap of the end. The summer proved to have more drama with Him. I also had some great sexual experiences and this week a couple of my friends asked me to have a threesome in the near future. If there is interest I will expand on summer 2010.

Reinforcement

Him is away. He is on vacation with a group of friends in the Mayan Riveria. This part doesn't bother me in the least. In fact, I was invited but for budgetary restrictions I have opted not to go. I'm actually impressed with myself for not saying... Fuck it, I deserve a vacation. Cause I wanted to get away this year, but I know how important it is for me to get my debt back down, so I sucked it up and stayed here at home.

Anyway... a strange thing happened this week, which aligned a number of stars or planets or whatever to make sure destiny interveined. And the intervention happened when I went on squirt.org. A site I have been on and off of over the years. Wednesday evening, I was on with half an intention to have some lite fun.

I came across a profile that piqued my interest. I emailed the guy seeing if he was also looking to have some (less than) innocent fun. And he came back with an affirmative. The guy ended up being a good looking guy in good shape and asked me to meet him for coffee. I agreed and headed out. I got to the coffee shop and didn't see anyone that looked like the picture that he emailed me, but since we had exchanged cell phone numbers, I decided to stick around. I ordered a drink and stood outside enjoying a drummer who was playing on the corner and kept an eye on anyone passing who might be looking at me.

A few minutes of waiting and my cell starts vibrating in my pocket. I answer and it's this guy, M. He apologizes for being late and gives me some random excuse but he is on his way. I decide I will head in his direction and start walking a few blocks before I run into him. I am happy to see that he's even more attractive than the pic he emailed.

One of the first things he said is that he has a boyfriend and that he's away. He wanted to be open about the fact. I accept it. I'm not the one cheating AND if anything it probably reduces any risk I am making myself susceptable to. Then a couple of blocks further down the road, he said that he recognizes me and that his boyfriend knows me.

I am flashing back through anyone I may have met in the past that had a boyfriend. Is there anyone in my circle of gay friends that has a boyfriend and I haven't met... and nothing comes to mind. And this guy certainly doesn't seem upset, like he found out his boyfriend had cheated before and some how had involved me in that situation. And then finally he says, wait a second, I have a picture of him on my cell phone. He pulls up the picture and BAM it's the ex of Him.

So, it's at that point where M starts to panick, to some degree, that he shouldn't have met me. That he shouldn't have been online and that he's afraid that I will talk. I ensure him that I will not be talking... this guy doesn't realize that I have been involved with Him. He just knows about Him and it's been causing problems.

I say... Oh, I didn't think that Him and the ex, J, were talking anymore. And M spills that there are continuous phone calls, which have become more secretive over the last few months, because it's an issue in their relationship. That Him bought J a birthday gift in January. That there was a time that he caught J in a lie about talking with Him.

And there it is, slapping me in the face. I have made the right decision to stay apart from Him. Cause even after that last straw that broke the perverbial camel's back, their conversations continue... and it's still a secretive issue. Only now, instead of hiding it from me alone, J is also hiding it on his side. BUT if you have NOTHING to hide, why are you hiding it?

DONE!! It's all been reinforced this week, all in a freak coincidence of meeting M.

Not sure when this knew knowledge will be addressed. Not sure how I will explain learing this information, when I bring it up. The only thing I know for sure is that, this is too much for me to not address at some point.

I'm okay being single. I've been told I'm a catch and based on the majority of gay men in this city, I'm learning to trust that opinion.

I'm in love

I am a bit of a facebook creeper. If I see a handsome guy tagged in a pic of a friend, I will click on their name to see if they have an open facebook profile. Heck, I do that with girls too, or anyone who piques my interest for some reason.

Anyway, I came across a cute guy in someone's pictures and he has a profile that allows me to look through his pictures. He is probably 27ish, fit, handsome, good dresser and looks like he has a great group of friends. Sadly, he lives in Toronto, but his home is here, so he'll always have a tie to my city and hopefully through time I will have a chance to meet this man.

I never thought that it was possible when I hear stories like this... and I know I sound slightly insane... but seeing his picture was love at first sight. And I'm not talking lust at first sight... like I actually think he's meant to be my partner (I know it sounds crazy and unreasonable but there is just something about him).

He gives me hope that there is someone out there who is perfect for me. That I don't have to settle for someone I am just compatible with, but that there is someone that looks so good that I will melt and will be an amazing guy too.

Strangely, I had a dream about him this morning just before I woke up. He and I were talking and getting to a point where we were surely going to agree to going on a date. We had both, informally, admitted to a shared attraction. It was a dream I was sad to wake up from.

Oh, please let me be lucky enough to see him in my dreams tonight. And perhaps let the adventure with him continue in my dreams for the weeks to come.

I'm in love with a stranger that I will possibly never set eyes on in person. He has probably never even heard my name or noticed me in any tagged friends pictures, but he has a piece of my heart... and can have the whole thing, whenever he wants it.

Just can't shake it.

I just cannot shake this feeling that I have totally screwed my life up and that I am a complete failure. I keep trying to push those feelings down and let time pass, because time is supposed to heal everything.

Here I am almost two years into a seperation and I am not a happy man. I have a career that is great on paper, but I could care less about. I don't quite have the financial freedom I had hopped to have. I still haven't purchased a new home, so I'm living back in my parent's house. Imagine that as an adult. And I am completely single. That part I'm not hating, because at least there is less drama in my life.

I know mourning my marriage is a natural part of the cycle, but I really think I might need to start with my therapist again. I am uber emotional all the time. I don't have the strength to fight with my ex when she is trying to cause fights over things like holiday schedules.

Stick a fork in me folks... I'm not just done. I'm well-done. In fact the juices are not just running clear, they have completely dried up. I'm a burnt steak of you will!

MMF? FFM?

Bisexual porn is my preference right now... and I would love to fuck around with a chick again. Crave it. Wonder what that means... am I really bi? Or more on the straight end of the gay spectrum. Fuck this fluidity to sexuality can be hard to understand.

Anyway, bisexual porn is what I'm jerking off to again tonight.

Where did that come from??

Saturday night there was a party here in the city at a friend's house. I got ready that night with the intention of going to the party and then heading to a local club to get my dance on. Since the hosts were also a friend of Him, he comes with me.

I enter the apartment and give the customary gay host hug and then scan the room for familiar and/or handsome faces. I notice across the room my main gay circle. I take the time to make a drink and then make my way to the comfort zone.

We stay at the party and I polish off the liquor I brought just in time for my circle to decide that we're ready to leave. We find say goodbye to the crew and head out the back door. The apartment was conveniently located near the club we intended to head to. We make a quick stop at a bank machine and then make our way north towards the club. Then out of no where the guy I was talking to, in front of the circle of friends, kisses me straight on the lips. Well I guess not straight on the lips, more gay on the lips. I look for the reaction on Him's face. And I'm a little shocked myself.

Now the problem is, I'm not quite sure who it was. Was it the early 20's gay guy who took an interest in me when he found out I was a Dad? Or was it the mid-20's guy who is in my circle who doesn't really flirt with me, but I feel like he might have a slight thing for me... I don't know. I wasn't drunk, or at least I didn't think I was... but I don't know who it was. Damn! Oh Saturday night...

Need to read my own body language

I am still in that stage with Him where he wonders where the future lies between us. He is holding out hope, but I think he's slowly realizing that there might not be an us. And me... I'm still in the stage where I think I hold on to Him, but not telling him flat out that there will never be a future. I think he is my crutch. That great guy with potential as a partner and with a career. He's not your average retail hag; he is a professional with mobility anywhere in the world.

But I catch myself; my own body language gives away the fact that I am not moving in a direction that will allow our relationship to progress into being lifelong partners. I sit with my body angled away from him. I won't commit to plans. I don't even want his name to be on the same birthday card we might give a friend. At times I find myself on the phone with him and have nothing to say and I just want to hang up.

I know it sounds like I'm an asshole. And I am an asshole, but I think I need to be. I need to figure out what makes me happy and settle for nothing less. Now that I am away from the relationship I realize how I put myself on hold and sheltered myself a bit. I wouldn't allow myself to develop friendships with guys who he might feel would be competition with him. I just wasn't making me happy and didn't realize it until I reached a point where I wasn't answering to him.

I'm still not where I want to be, but I am in a place where I am okay to be single. I like being alone now. But I have also developed a circle of gay friends who are just a group of guys, not flaming queens. The kind of guys I can sit back and have a beer with, or head out and dance with. Guys who are not about drama. The group of friends I should have had in high school or university.

I will be okay. I think I'm finally realizing that.

his tug-of-war with