Can't tell her what I feel

It's almost a year to the date that my ex moved out of the house. It's been a strange year, where I found myself in a new place professionally and personally. I have questioned every relationship I have. I have been to, what I believe, is the brink of insanity and back.

I have fostered new friendships and feel confident in who I am as a person. But that self confidence does not encompass how I feel about the choice I made to come out. I am not proud that I hurt my ex or my son, or any of the other family members who have been negatively effected by my choice to be open and honest.

I miss so many parts of my old life that it gets overwhelming. I can barely look at the Father's Day gift I received, because it makes me realize the huge chunks of my son's life that I miss out on. And for what? For sex? NO!

I think that is the part people don't understand. And maybe I didn't understand until I have gone through all of this transition. My choice to come out was NEVER about having a better sex life. It was about me being honest with myself and feeling comfortable in my own skin. I have always felt different than other guys I knew. It wasn't until I was close friends with gay men that I realized that I felt normal around them and didn't have to be self-conscious. It was a feeling I wanted everyday.

There are so many things I want to tell my ex, but I can't tell her what I feel. It would probably cause her to regress into sadness and anger. I can't tell her that I love and miss her desperately. That I feel like I made a huge mistake and want her back. I can't tell her that I heard a son last night about someone dying and the other person wanting to go with them, and that's how I still feel about her. That I still want to grow old next to her. That she's the best friend I have ever had.

I know she feels deceived and I can't take that back. I NEVER intentionally entered into any part of our relationship knowing this would happen, or knowing that I was really gay. I felt like every step felt right and was logical. It's not like I had been through it before to know something might not feel quite right.

I wish I could close my eyes and when I open them back up, I'd be in the master bedroom of our house with her next to me, and my son asleep in the room across the hall. I keep closing my eyes but it won't happen.

If I told her these feelings, I suspect she would want me back too... but I can't tell her what I feel.