So we pretty much broke up two weeks ago now. We have hung out a few times and for a while were still talking on the phone a normal amount. But last weekend was when things kind of became reality. I had my son for the weekend, so normally we would have spent more time apart, but at the end of the weekend we had an in-depth discussion.
It was triggered by the fact that, again, I was not willing to stay over night. I don’t know why he expected me. I guess maybe it was more hope than expectation, but either way it brought on a long conversation about things.
He realizes my hurt and inability to trust. He professed his love and defended himself. He pointed at my indiscretions over the year. Pretty much any event that either of us did that hurt the relationship had been brought up by one of us; all things that neither of us felt good about.
By the end I think he realized that we had reached a place where being apart made sense, even if our hearts did not agree. I told him that I wasn’t totally writing us off, in the future, but that I couldn’t be in the relationship right now. He needs me to be as affectionate and open as I had been in the past and the way I feel right now, it’s just not a possibility.
I went home and went to bed. Sleep came okay but it wasn’t restful. I didn’t ask specifically, but I know when he has something emotional going on, sleep does not come for him. The next few days were mainly just meaningless text messages.
And then I emailed him to let him know that I was not heartless and I worried about him, but also made it clear that I didn’t want to give false hope, and that one day I would probably come to regret calling things to an end.
I got a long response, filled with feelings and understanding. One that he had put a lot of thought to and it makes me remember the good times, but strangely it’s not like a part of me is missing. I have rough times, and have been on the brink of tears at times, but I don’t miss everything as much as I expected.
I think I’m enjoying my time alone, a bit. It is giving me some time to do things around the house that I was putting off, and going to a fitness class I love but didn’t have as much time for.
I feel guilty that he is so broken-hearted and I’m doing okay. I wonder if it’s because I have been preparing myself, to some degree, to leave the relationship and he hasn’t. Maybe I’m just a few steps ahead on the path.
It was triggered by the fact that, again, I was not willing to stay over night. I don’t know why he expected me. I guess maybe it was more hope than expectation, but either way it brought on a long conversation about things.
He realizes my hurt and inability to trust. He professed his love and defended himself. He pointed at my indiscretions over the year. Pretty much any event that either of us did that hurt the relationship had been brought up by one of us; all things that neither of us felt good about.
By the end I think he realized that we had reached a place where being apart made sense, even if our hearts did not agree. I told him that I wasn’t totally writing us off, in the future, but that I couldn’t be in the relationship right now. He needs me to be as affectionate and open as I had been in the past and the way I feel right now, it’s just not a possibility.
I went home and went to bed. Sleep came okay but it wasn’t restful. I didn’t ask specifically, but I know when he has something emotional going on, sleep does not come for him. The next few days were mainly just meaningless text messages.
And then I emailed him to let him know that I was not heartless and I worried about him, but also made it clear that I didn’t want to give false hope, and that one day I would probably come to regret calling things to an end.
I got a long response, filled with feelings and understanding. One that he had put a lot of thought to and it makes me remember the good times, but strangely it’s not like a part of me is missing. I have rough times, and have been on the brink of tears at times, but I don’t miss everything as much as I expected.
I think I’m enjoying my time alone, a bit. It is giving me some time to do things around the house that I was putting off, and going to a fitness class I love but didn’t have as much time for.
I feel guilty that he is so broken-hearted and I’m doing okay. I wonder if it’s because I have been preparing myself, to some degree, to leave the relationship and he hasn’t. Maybe I’m just a few steps ahead on the path.
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