When you’re gone… that song by Avril Lavigne about missing someone you love and how your world is incomplete without that person is on Virgin Radio right now. Those lyrics tear at my soul. I remember hearing that song when I was married and things were good. I remember thinking how sad the song was and how true those words can be. And then the video takes it to the next level. It really portrays the words quite beautifully. And the scene where an older gentleman is missing his deceased wife… too much!
Anyway, hearing that song and listening to the words makes me realize how desperately I miss my wife. Having her in my life daily. Laughing with her. Seeing her interaction with my son and not feeling like she is the competition. Protecting her. The plans we had for the future.
A lot of hateful actions were taken against me. A lot of words were exchanged but all of that is overshadowed by the many years of great memories.
Had I simply came out to my wife and we had the clarity of mind to not react at the time, I wonder if we would have found a way to make things work for us as a family unit. And even now a year and a half later I wonder if she would take me back and we could find a way together. In 2009 is there really any “normal” family? Can’t we make up our own rules?
The two things holding me back from sharing these feeling with her are:
1. I don’t want to cause her to regress. I don’t want her to slip into a depression and loose any strength she has developed since the separation.
2. Has the damage done to my relationship with my ex-in-laws too much to get over?
And in a strange fateful event, while typing this post I get an email from my lawyer; someone I haven’t heard from in almost three weeks. It’s a letter from my ex’s lawyer dealing with child support yet again. An issue I tried to resolve last November by offering her the customary amount for a shared parenting plan, but has been ongoing off and on since. It’s a letter I can probably agree with, but after hearing that song I realize how close to divorce I am now. I think by my agreeing to this latest arrangement we could sign off on the divorce within days (in an ideal system). I am not sure I am ready for that.
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