So for the duration of the work week I spent the evenings with my son, as is generally the case and continued to talk to Him on a fairly regular basis. My tone muted, so that he would know that I was still upset and no where near, over the incident. He worked Friday evening and I took the opportunity to take in some yoga in order to calm my mind a bit and get some much needed exercise.
After yoga, and of course a shower, in a room full of university males, I head out to my car and notice a missed call from Him. I call him and he asks if I want to join him and a couple of female friends for something to eat at a local hotel. I agree, drop my stuff off in my car and head up the road to meet them.
I sit down in the booth and glance over the menu trying to decide what to have that isn’t that bad for me, given the fact that I just tried to improve my health for the last hour. I settle on something non-deep-fried and probably not overly bad for me and order a drink. I sit in the company of others enjoying some new conversation and wonder how much further into the night the one-on-one conversation with Him will take.
After we eat and finish our drinks we all head out. The girls take off and he sits down on a couch in the lobby. He asks if I’m going to head back to his place. I say no. We have a drawn out conversation about what happened. To me, his response to the whole situation was that I was over-reacting. That it was a non-issue, feelings are not there, and that he planned on telling me the whole time. I tell him that I am not putting up with being disrespected anymore. I have allowed him to f-up a few times in the last year and I cannot do it anymore. That I deserve better and need to protect myself. It goes back and forth with him attempting to give me an ultimatum that I make a decision by the time we leave or else.
The conversation soon spills into the street, as I decide that I am going home. That nothing is going to get accomplished and that I am not going to his place to spend the night. I also point out, that so far in the conversation, I am the only one who has shed a tear and that I cannot let myself go back into that situation feeling the way I do now. That things are not necessarily over for good, but I have to figure out what will make me feel better. Finally after freezing my ass off, and him breaking down, we go our separate ways. He acknowledges my hurt and tell me he doesn’t need an answer right away. I go home, get ready for bed, touch base with him to let him know I’m home safe, and make sure he’s okay and I crash.
Saturday he works all day. I run some errands, get some more exercise and we touch base occasionally. The old me would have stopped in to visit him and possibly brought him a warm meal, but I have to stand my ground. I cannot cave yet, without really thinking through what the future needs to look like for me to be happy. That night, when he is done work we talk, but avoid the subject of our status. I think he probably wants to hang out but I don’t bite and I end up getting a good 11 hours of sleep.
During that sleep I have a dream that wakes me during the night. It’s about him and his ex; we are all at a party and I’m falling asleep sitting on a couch and between lazy blinks I realize how close they are sitting together and how much closer they seem each time my eyes open. I am conscious of my thoughts and my feelings, even though I am dreaming and wake myself up before it goes to any place I fear it is going. I lay away disturbed by the dream and what I am telling myself.
And yesterday, we ended up dancing around a bit but ended up spending the better part of the day together. Things were awkward at times and conversation at times halted, with neither of us sure we had anything to talk about. Then after I had him drop me off last night we have a phone call. He wants to know what’s going on. How we can spend a whole day together and act like nothing is wrong, but we’re just friends.
I tell him, I don’t want to hurt him and if he needs to not be around me, then that is fine. That I don’t know what I am doing, but he wanted to hangout, and I did too. That I am still confused and hurt. He gets angry with me and we have some heated words defending ourselves. Nothing gets resolved because I still need to sort through things.
And it’s now almost noon and I have not heard from him. It’s completely out of character, but I figure he is trying to make a point and to some degree it is being made. I do miss him. And I do love him. But I’m strong enough to stand up and say I am not going to take inappropriate actions lying down. I have sacrificed some friendships to make him feel better and he cannot even respect me enough to keep a promise to me, to not see his ex without me being present. I don’t think I’m unreasonable. I need time. And if it works out that we get back together, the relationship needs to start on a new foot with us standing as equals. We both have to fully commit to something or there is no point.
Anyone out there have any opinions or advice??
After yoga, and of course a shower, in a room full of university males, I head out to my car and notice a missed call from Him. I call him and he asks if I want to join him and a couple of female friends for something to eat at a local hotel. I agree, drop my stuff off in my car and head up the road to meet them.
I sit down in the booth and glance over the menu trying to decide what to have that isn’t that bad for me, given the fact that I just tried to improve my health for the last hour. I settle on something non-deep-fried and probably not overly bad for me and order a drink. I sit in the company of others enjoying some new conversation and wonder how much further into the night the one-on-one conversation with Him will take.
After we eat and finish our drinks we all head out. The girls take off and he sits down on a couch in the lobby. He asks if I’m going to head back to his place. I say no. We have a drawn out conversation about what happened. To me, his response to the whole situation was that I was over-reacting. That it was a non-issue, feelings are not there, and that he planned on telling me the whole time. I tell him that I am not putting up with being disrespected anymore. I have allowed him to f-up a few times in the last year and I cannot do it anymore. That I deserve better and need to protect myself. It goes back and forth with him attempting to give me an ultimatum that I make a decision by the time we leave or else.
The conversation soon spills into the street, as I decide that I am going home. That nothing is going to get accomplished and that I am not going to his place to spend the night. I also point out, that so far in the conversation, I am the only one who has shed a tear and that I cannot let myself go back into that situation feeling the way I do now. That things are not necessarily over for good, but I have to figure out what will make me feel better. Finally after freezing my ass off, and him breaking down, we go our separate ways. He acknowledges my hurt and tell me he doesn’t need an answer right away. I go home, get ready for bed, touch base with him to let him know I’m home safe, and make sure he’s okay and I crash.
Saturday he works all day. I run some errands, get some more exercise and we touch base occasionally. The old me would have stopped in to visit him and possibly brought him a warm meal, but I have to stand my ground. I cannot cave yet, without really thinking through what the future needs to look like for me to be happy. That night, when he is done work we talk, but avoid the subject of our status. I think he probably wants to hang out but I don’t bite and I end up getting a good 11 hours of sleep.
During that sleep I have a dream that wakes me during the night. It’s about him and his ex; we are all at a party and I’m falling asleep sitting on a couch and between lazy blinks I realize how close they are sitting together and how much closer they seem each time my eyes open. I am conscious of my thoughts and my feelings, even though I am dreaming and wake myself up before it goes to any place I fear it is going. I lay away disturbed by the dream and what I am telling myself.
And yesterday, we ended up dancing around a bit but ended up spending the better part of the day together. Things were awkward at times and conversation at times halted, with neither of us sure we had anything to talk about. Then after I had him drop me off last night we have a phone call. He wants to know what’s going on. How we can spend a whole day together and act like nothing is wrong, but we’re just friends.
I tell him, I don’t want to hurt him and if he needs to not be around me, then that is fine. That I don’t know what I am doing, but he wanted to hangout, and I did too. That I am still confused and hurt. He gets angry with me and we have some heated words defending ourselves. Nothing gets resolved because I still need to sort through things.
And it’s now almost noon and I have not heard from him. It’s completely out of character, but I figure he is trying to make a point and to some degree it is being made. I do miss him. And I do love him. But I’m strong enough to stand up and say I am not going to take inappropriate actions lying down. I have sacrificed some friendships to make him feel better and he cannot even respect me enough to keep a promise to me, to not see his ex without me being present. I don’t think I’m unreasonable. I need time. And if it works out that we get back together, the relationship needs to start on a new foot with us standing as equals. We both have to fully commit to something or there is no point.
Anyone out there have any opinions or advice??
No comments:
Post a Comment