I'm in love

I am a bit of a facebook creeper. If I see a handsome guy tagged in a pic of a friend, I will click on their name to see if they have an open facebook profile. Heck, I do that with girls too, or anyone who piques my interest for some reason.

Anyway, I came across a cute guy in someone's pictures and he has a profile that allows me to look through his pictures. He is probably 27ish, fit, handsome, good dresser and looks like he has a great group of friends. Sadly, he lives in Toronto, but his home is here, so he'll always have a tie to my city and hopefully through time I will have a chance to meet this man.

I never thought that it was possible when I hear stories like this... and I know I sound slightly insane... but seeing his picture was love at first sight. And I'm not talking lust at first sight... like I actually think he's meant to be my partner (I know it sounds crazy and unreasonable but there is just something about him).

He gives me hope that there is someone out there who is perfect for me. That I don't have to settle for someone I am just compatible with, but that there is someone that looks so good that I will melt and will be an amazing guy too.

Strangely, I had a dream about him this morning just before I woke up. He and I were talking and getting to a point where we were surely going to agree to going on a date. We had both, informally, admitted to a shared attraction. It was a dream I was sad to wake up from.

Oh, please let me be lucky enough to see him in my dreams tonight. And perhaps let the adventure with him continue in my dreams for the weeks to come.

I'm in love with a stranger that I will possibly never set eyes on in person. He has probably never even heard my name or noticed me in any tagged friends pictures, but he has a piece of my heart... and can have the whole thing, whenever he wants it.

Just can't shake it.

I just cannot shake this feeling that I have totally screwed my life up and that I am a complete failure. I keep trying to push those feelings down and let time pass, because time is supposed to heal everything.

Here I am almost two years into a seperation and I am not a happy man. I have a career that is great on paper, but I could care less about. I don't quite have the financial freedom I had hopped to have. I still haven't purchased a new home, so I'm living back in my parent's house. Imagine that as an adult. And I am completely single. That part I'm not hating, because at least there is less drama in my life.

I know mourning my marriage is a natural part of the cycle, but I really think I might need to start with my therapist again. I am uber emotional all the time. I don't have the strength to fight with my ex when she is trying to cause fights over things like holiday schedules.

Stick a fork in me folks... I'm not just done. I'm well-done. In fact the juices are not just running clear, they have completely dried up. I'm a burnt steak of you will!

MMF? FFM?

Bisexual porn is my preference right now... and I would love to fuck around with a chick again. Crave it. Wonder what that means... am I really bi? Or more on the straight end of the gay spectrum. Fuck this fluidity to sexuality can be hard to understand.

Anyway, bisexual porn is what I'm jerking off to again tonight.

Where did that come from??

Saturday night there was a party here in the city at a friend's house. I got ready that night with the intention of going to the party and then heading to a local club to get my dance on. Since the hosts were also a friend of Him, he comes with me.

I enter the apartment and give the customary gay host hug and then scan the room for familiar and/or handsome faces. I notice across the room my main gay circle. I take the time to make a drink and then make my way to the comfort zone.

We stay at the party and I polish off the liquor I brought just in time for my circle to decide that we're ready to leave. We find say goodbye to the crew and head out the back door. The apartment was conveniently located near the club we intended to head to. We make a quick stop at a bank machine and then make our way north towards the club. Then out of no where the guy I was talking to, in front of the circle of friends, kisses me straight on the lips. Well I guess not straight on the lips, more gay on the lips. I look for the reaction on Him's face. And I'm a little shocked myself.

Now the problem is, I'm not quite sure who it was. Was it the early 20's gay guy who took an interest in me when he found out I was a Dad? Or was it the mid-20's guy who is in my circle who doesn't really flirt with me, but I feel like he might have a slight thing for me... I don't know. I wasn't drunk, or at least I didn't think I was... but I don't know who it was. Damn! Oh Saturday night...

Need to read my own body language

I am still in that stage with Him where he wonders where the future lies between us. He is holding out hope, but I think he's slowly realizing that there might not be an us. And me... I'm still in the stage where I think I hold on to Him, but not telling him flat out that there will never be a future. I think he is my crutch. That great guy with potential as a partner and with a career. He's not your average retail hag; he is a professional with mobility anywhere in the world.

But I catch myself; my own body language gives away the fact that I am not moving in a direction that will allow our relationship to progress into being lifelong partners. I sit with my body angled away from him. I won't commit to plans. I don't even want his name to be on the same birthday card we might give a friend. At times I find myself on the phone with him and have nothing to say and I just want to hang up.

I know it sounds like I'm an asshole. And I am an asshole, but I think I need to be. I need to figure out what makes me happy and settle for nothing less. Now that I am away from the relationship I realize how I put myself on hold and sheltered myself a bit. I wouldn't allow myself to develop friendships with guys who he might feel would be competition with him. I just wasn't making me happy and didn't realize it until I reached a point where I wasn't answering to him.

I'm still not where I want to be, but I am in a place where I am okay to be single. I like being alone now. But I have also developed a circle of gay friends who are just a group of guys, not flaming queens. The kind of guys I can sit back and have a beer with, or head out and dance with. Guys who are not about drama. The group of friends I should have had in high school or university.

I will be okay. I think I'm finally realizing that.

his tug-of-war with

Just wanna j.o.??

I may have screw myself over.

I was staying strong at not getting back together with Him. I was making myself the priority and feeling great about the whole thing. Then while hanging out with him one evening he asked if I was interested in jerking off. (Insert head shaking now). I shouldn't have done it. It was just that I feeling of the forbidden. It was quick and to some really cheap porn.

And what's worse is it's happened a couple of times since. And I know that only goes to complicate our sorted relationship all the more. And this last Friday he asked if I was okay for it to become a regular thing. I told him no. That it wasn't fair to him and his feelings. That it wasn't right.

I'm an asshole. I have earned that badge and should be wearing it so everyone knows.

How do I backtrack from here? I don't know, but I am going to have to find a way.

Sleeping Single in a Double Bed

Since becoming single I have been able to catch up on sleep. I now am in bed for at least eight hours a night, during the week anyway. The problem I seem to be facing now is that I wake up a few times through the night and the feeling of being alone has hit me harder than ever.

I guess this is probably the thing I would have gone through, had I truly been alone when my wife and I separated. But here I am facing it on a daily basis. The reminder that I am getting divorced. The reminder that my family is broken and I am the cause. That the damage that has been done is irreversible. I think I wake up through the night thinking that it’s a bad dream that I no longer have my wife as my partner and best friend. Then I open my eyes hoping to see our master bedroom and instead I am faced with the four walls I looked at while going to university and living in my parents home.

I know there are readers out there who are going to say… dude, you just haven’t fully accepted it yet… or… you should have thought about that before you told your wife… or… you made your bed, now lie in it.

And while I was driving last night, I tried to really think about whether I would go back to my old life if my wife asked me to, right now. My thoughts went to how comfortable it was having a family. That comfort level of feeling like you followed the path everyone expects you to follow… university, career, marriage, kids… and having the security of a wife that supported me, and knew what buttons to not push and showed me a lot of love. Then I think about how rough our last couple of years were. Maybe it’s just an ideal part of that life I hold in my mind, because surely it was better than being alone.

Then I think about the things I would be giving up. I would have to shut off a whole part of my life again. I would have to pretend to feel fulfilled in the bedroom. I would have to pretend to be straight around other people. And I would have to give up the drinking and dancing with the guys. And all of the great friends I made over the last couple of years. Some truly great friends who make me realize it’s completely okay to be gay. That there was nothing I should have been hiding ever in my life, because it is part of who I am.

So I guess I have come full circle in my thinking; that if I really think about my situation now, and the option (if it was there) to go back and reunite with my wife, that I have to face the fact that my life is forever changed. No matter how much either of us wanted to, there really is no going back. I am not the same person I was two years ago, and she probably isn’t either. And that even though I may live with some regret now, in making the choice to open up to her, it was one that was necessary because I was unfaithful. It is better to end the relationship on the terms we did, than to get caught in a situation that would hurt her even more. And being unfaithful was something I was ashamed of, but it was a craving that became something I couldn’t ignore.

I did the right thing. I just have a bit more healing to do to fully realize and accept it.