Can't tell her what I feel

It's almost a year to the date that my ex moved out of the house. It's been a strange year, where I found myself in a new place professionally and personally. I have questioned every relationship I have. I have been to, what I believe, is the brink of insanity and back.

I have fostered new friendships and feel confident in who I am as a person. But that self confidence does not encompass how I feel about the choice I made to come out. I am not proud that I hurt my ex or my son, or any of the other family members who have been negatively effected by my choice to be open and honest.

I miss so many parts of my old life that it gets overwhelming. I can barely look at the Father's Day gift I received, because it makes me realize the huge chunks of my son's life that I miss out on. And for what? For sex? NO!

I think that is the part people don't understand. And maybe I didn't understand until I have gone through all of this transition. My choice to come out was NEVER about having a better sex life. It was about me being honest with myself and feeling comfortable in my own skin. I have always felt different than other guys I knew. It wasn't until I was close friends with gay men that I realized that I felt normal around them and didn't have to be self-conscious. It was a feeling I wanted everyday.

There are so many things I want to tell my ex, but I can't tell her what I feel. It would probably cause her to regress into sadness and anger. I can't tell her that I love and miss her desperately. That I feel like I made a huge mistake and want her back. I can't tell her that I heard a son last night about someone dying and the other person wanting to go with them, and that's how I still feel about her. That I still want to grow old next to her. That she's the best friend I have ever had.

I know she feels deceived and I can't take that back. I NEVER intentionally entered into any part of our relationship knowing this would happen, or knowing that I was really gay. I felt like every step felt right and was logical. It's not like I had been through it before to know something might not feel quite right.

I wish I could close my eyes and when I open them back up, I'd be in the master bedroom of our house with her next to me, and my son asleep in the room across the hall. I keep closing my eyes but it won't happen.

If I told her these feelings, I suspect she would want me back too... but I can't tell her what I feel.

Trying to set a deadline

So after a lot of thinking yesterday afternoon about the relationship I am in with Him, I have come to a conclusion.

He made a decision to end his previous relationship to be with me. He is trying hard to incorporate my child into his life, in a meaningful way. He is more affectionate and seems to want to take care of me. I can't just throw all of that away.

I also made myself think about what a breakup would mean. Having that loneliness again. Having no support from anyone who knows me so privately. Fighting or talking over and over again about why. I just don't have it in me.

So my conclusion is this. I am going to give it a few more months. Until September, to see how everything feels. If things don't improve or settle, then I am going to have to end it. Whether that means we can still be friends or not, I don't know, but I know I cannot stay in the spot I am at right now. I need to make myself happy, and sometimes that means taking a leap of faith and leaving the comfort of what is safe.

Time will tell I guess.

Cheated on.

I guess maybe I deserve to be in the place I'm in right now. I cheated on my wife with men, to discover my sexuality and developed a relationship in the process...that ultimately ended my marriage.

I'm not sure if I mentioned it before, or not, but I was cheated on by Him in January of this year. It was right after he broke up with his boyfriend of three years. It was shortly after they broke up and he was at his bf's place, and apparently one thing led to another... supposedly innocently.

Anyway... last night we got into a fight over a guy at a party making advances toward me. I declined them and he knew I did... but it was just the emotions he felt of someone advancing toward me. In that fight, I brought up this cheating thing, because honestly I can't get over it. I just can't.

In the fight different details came out... so I called him on it. He told me that they were just jerking off together in the ex-bf's bedroom...but previously he told me that the ex had pulled it out jerked off and that cum hit his (my bf's) face because his face was close... FUCKED UP!!

We fought and fought.

Today, I spent the day with my son and nephew (can I still call him that, if his parents hate me because of the divorce). It was a wonderful day that makes me proud to be called Dad. After which, I was supposed to meet Him and a friend for supper. On the way home I declined the invite and he asked why. I told him, I had a lot of thinking to do and wanted to be alone. He asked about what, and I told him. The conversation got pretty quiet. Once I got in the house I asked for some more details. He told me the first account was more accurate. That he was near the penis during orgasm and he ended up tasting cum. I asked him if he licked the ex-bf's penis and he did. HE DID!!!! FUCKED UP!!!!

I lost it. Almost hyper-ventilating while crying. He is on the phone apologizing, admitting it was a mistake but he wants only me... etc, etc. Nothing he could say would make me feel better in that moment.

I guess I deserve to feel what it's like to be cheated on. To quote my deceased father, "what goes around, comes around."

How do I get over this? Or should I want to?

Positive Thoughts.

I thought I'd document my positive thoughts lately.

I'm feeling good about myself. I have been eating better. Even when my son wanted chicken nuggets and french fries from Wendy's, I got a salad. That being said, I should probably say, that I'm not a 300lb gay man that only eats fast food and can't find love, cause I of a horrible outward appearance. I'm actually a good looking guy, who weight around 170lb. I am average for my height, but have been trying to focus more on my fitness and eating because I want to live a long healthy life, want to have a better body image and cause it makes me feel better.

My relationship with Him, has stabled out lately. Could be because there aren't really any other male influences being hung out with. On a side note... apparently his ex is now dating someone else. His reaction was better than I expected.

And while working on a project with a friend, I met four new gay males, that have all added me to facebook. Two of them, I believe were interested in me, which helps boost my confidence. And two of them were engaged... which gives me hope that I will be able to settle down with a hot guy and build a strong foundation with.

On the ex front. Things are calmed down quite a bit, in that we are aware and careful with each other's emotions. Legally, things still slowly tick along. She wants the divorce to take place ASAP but doesn't want to sign the court order for our financial items. My lawyer has guided me, and I trust her judgement, as always.

My son is always good. He's honestly the best son a man could ask for. Perfect.

So there it is. A quick glimpse of positivity in my life. It's not all bad one year in.

I think I want my old life back...

It seems since the day I told my wife, part of me has been wishing the words were never spoken. Well not just a part of me but the majority of me. I look around at my life a year after telling her I was gay and I barely recognize anything.

I live in my parent's empty house. When I don't have my son, it's just me. No pets, which is strange, cause surely by the gay handbook I should have a cat by now. I have a new job, I'm taking classes again to further my career. And honestly, what am I thinking... I don't think I can do this for another 30 years until retirement. I sleep with a man. I enjoy blowjobs. I am developing a circle of friends. My own friends. People who know I'm gay, that I feel comfortable around and like me for me, not because I'm my wife's husband.

I've spoken with my ex-wife-to-be, and seen her a lot lately. We've both been very good at not getting upset with each other. Shared concern for each other and listened to each other. It's hard that way, though. It's easier when we hate each other to be apart. But when we get along I miss her more. I need her more. I want it all back.

The friends and great sex-life are great. The self-esteem I have for myself is great. The being honest and open is great. But I had built a life with her, made a family with her and I had to throw it all away to get some good parts in my life.

I try and trick myself into not thinking about her, and my son, and the past life I had. But I miss it so much. I miss the comfort. I miss the friendship. I miss the laughs and the shoulder to cry on. I miss my family.

Someday I will be okay. I will continue to get stronger. I just need to get through this stage of doubt.

Full House

This past weekend I went from my normally empty house to a house filled past capacity. It all started because my sister came home for a visit and then my Mom and Grandmother showed up, and it was my weekend with my son. It was a full house and I enjoyed ever minute of it.

My sister was one of the first people I admitted being gay to. I don't think she even paused to give a second to how she responded. It was a non-issue and, for her, she could finally voice her opinion of my wife. Let's just say that she wasn't overly mean or anything, but just shared concerns that she had had.

So my sister and I took complete advantage of her being home. We spent as much time as we could together, had drinks and hung out with friends. Saturday night, we also took things to a new place for my sister. We had gone out for drinks and were having a good time. Part of my mind wondered whether she'd be down for going to a gay bar, after having cocktails at another bar in the city, that plays the best music mix ever. So when closing time was arriving at the first bar, I asked if she'd be into dancing at one of the gay bars in the city. Again, she didn't hesitate.

Part of me has wondered, for longer than I could admit to myself that I was gay, whether she was a lesbian. And part of me hoped that a lesbian would hit on my sister and I'd find out. But that didn't happen. We did dance for hours, and she met my new friend, J (not sure that I've assigned him a name or initial yet).

Then we went to an old haunt for some eats before getting home while the birds were singing and the sun was well on it's way to being up.

It was great. We were both over-tired yesterday, but having my sister home and having a weekend we would have had years ago when we were both living in the same city was great.

PS. Oh and going to the gay bar is great for the self-esteem. I don't get hit on, but generally speaking, I'm fortunate enough to get eye contact or stares from the more attractive guys in the crowd. Part of it could be me being considered "new meat"... but I'll take it.