A few steps ahead?

So we pretty much broke up two weeks ago now. We have hung out a few times and for a while were still talking on the phone a normal amount. But last weekend was when things kind of became reality. I had my son for the weekend, so normally we would have spent more time apart, but at the end of the weekend we had an in-depth discussion.

It was triggered by the fact that, again, I was not willing to stay over night. I don’t know why he expected me. I guess maybe it was more hope than expectation, but either way it brought on a long conversation about things.

He realizes my hurt and inability to trust. He professed his love and defended himself. He pointed at my indiscretions over the year. Pretty much any event that either of us did that hurt the relationship had been brought up by one of us; all things that neither of us felt good about.

By the end I think he realized that we had reached a place where being apart made sense, even if our hearts did not agree. I told him that I wasn’t totally writing us off, in the future, but that I couldn’t be in the relationship right now. He needs me to be as affectionate and open as I had been in the past and the way I feel right now, it’s just not a possibility.

I went home and went to bed. Sleep came okay but it wasn’t restful. I didn’t ask specifically, but I know when he has something emotional going on, sleep does not come for him. The next few days were mainly just meaningless text messages.

And then I emailed him to let him know that I was not heartless and I worried about him, but also made it clear that I didn’t want to give false hope, and that one day I would probably come to regret calling things to an end.

I got a long response, filled with feelings and understanding. One that he had put a lot of thought to and it makes me remember the good times, but strangely it’s not like a part of me is missing. I have rough times, and have been on the brink of tears at times, but I don’t miss everything as much as I expected.

I think I’m enjoying my time alone, a bit. It is giving me some time to do things around the house that I was putting off, and going to a fitness class I love but didn’t have as much time for.

I feel guilty that he is so broken-hearted and I’m doing okay. I wonder if it’s because I have been preparing myself, to some degree, to leave the relationship and he hasn’t. Maybe I’m just a few steps ahead on the path.

Mid-week

So it's mid-week and we have talked a few times, very superficially. Nothing of value in deciding future. That is partly my doing, as I have indicated that I need time to think.

Tonight, I'm sitting at home, while he is out to a movie with a friend. He asked me to go, but I have another commitment, but asked if he could stop in to say hello afterwards. I agreed. I do really miss him, but not as much as I would have expected. In my head, I know we are probably just friends at this point, but after the roller coaster of life with my ex, I find it hard to think about turning it off, and potentially regretting it for the rest of my life.

If I end up maintaining the breakup I want Him to know it's not about me wanting to pursue other men, or sleep around, or anything. It's about me healing. I haven't had the time to get over my marriage. I haven't lived as a single man, in a bed alone at night. I haven't had those lonely nights of just me. And because of his actions with his ex, I have grown to some degree to resent him, which isn't healthy.

I'm trying to convince myself that this breakup could work and that we can get back together in the future when we're in a better place separately. I'm afraid to make a choice, because I don't want to fuck up, but the way things have felt for a while, have made me unhappy in the relationship.

I think at this point, it's all about delivery. If only I was an expert in communications.

If he tries tonight to talk, I am going to put him off. I can't do this tonight. Not that there is a perfect time, but I need to get through my work week. I can't have added emotion and side-track at work.

Damn you Avril Lavigne

When you’re gone… that song by Avril Lavigne about missing someone you love and how your world is incomplete without that person is on Virgin Radio right now. Those lyrics tear at my soul. I remember hearing that song when I was married and things were good. I remember thinking how sad the song was and how true those words can be. And then the video takes it to the next level. It really portrays the words quite beautifully. And the scene where an older gentleman is missing his deceased wife… too much!

Anyway, hearing that song and listening to the words makes me realize how desperately I miss my wife. Having her in my life daily. Laughing with her. Seeing her interaction with my son and not feeling like she is the competition. Protecting her. The plans we had for the future.

A lot of hateful actions were taken against me. A lot of words were exchanged but all of that is overshadowed by the many years of great memories.

Had I simply came out to my wife and we had the clarity of mind to not react at the time, I wonder if we would have found a way to make things work for us as a family unit. And even now a year and a half later I wonder if she would take me back and we could find a way together. In 2009 is there really any “normal” family? Can’t we make up our own rules?

The two things holding me back from sharing these feeling with her are:

1. I don’t want to cause her to regress. I don’t want her to slip into a depression and loose any strength she has developed since the separation.
2. Has the damage done to my relationship with my ex-in-laws too much to get over?

And in a strange fateful event, while typing this post I get an email from my lawyer; someone I haven’t heard from in almost three weeks. It’s a letter from my ex’s lawyer dealing with child support yet again. An issue I tried to resolve last November by offering her the customary amount for a shared parenting plan, but has been ongoing off and on since. It’s a letter I can probably agree with, but after hearing that song I realize how close to divorce I am now. I think by my agreeing to this latest arrangement we could sign off on the divorce within days (in an ideal system). I am not sure I am ready for that.

Talk is cheap

So for the duration of the work week I spent the evenings with my son, as is generally the case and continued to talk to Him on a fairly regular basis. My tone muted, so that he would know that I was still upset and no where near, over the incident. He worked Friday evening and I took the opportunity to take in some yoga in order to calm my mind a bit and get some much needed exercise.

After yoga, and of course a shower, in a room full of university males, I head out to my car and notice a missed call from Him. I call him and he asks if I want to join him and a couple of female friends for something to eat at a local hotel. I agree, drop my stuff off in my car and head up the road to meet them.

I sit down in the booth and glance over the menu trying to decide what to have that isn’t that bad for me, given the fact that I just tried to improve my health for the last hour. I settle on something non-deep-fried and probably not overly bad for me and order a drink. I sit in the company of others enjoying some new conversation and wonder how much further into the night the one-on-one conversation with Him will take.

After we eat and finish our drinks we all head out. The girls take off and he sits down on a couch in the lobby. He asks if I’m going to head back to his place. I say no. We have a drawn out conversation about what happened. To me, his response to the whole situation was that I was over-reacting. That it was a non-issue, feelings are not there, and that he planned on telling me the whole time. I tell him that I am not putting up with being disrespected anymore. I have allowed him to f-up a few times in the last year and I cannot do it anymore. That I deserve better and need to protect myself. It goes back and forth with him attempting to give me an ultimatum that I make a decision by the time we leave or else.

The conversation soon spills into the street, as I decide that I am going home. That nothing is going to get accomplished and that I am not going to his place to spend the night. I also point out, that so far in the conversation, I am the only one who has shed a tear and that I cannot let myself go back into that situation feeling the way I do now. That things are not necessarily over for good, but I have to figure out what will make me feel better. Finally after freezing my ass off, and him breaking down, we go our separate ways. He acknowledges my hurt and tell me he doesn’t need an answer right away. I go home, get ready for bed, touch base with him to let him know I’m home safe, and make sure he’s okay and I crash.

Saturday he works all day. I run some errands, get some more exercise and we touch base occasionally. The old me would have stopped in to visit him and possibly brought him a warm meal, but I have to stand my ground. I cannot cave yet, without really thinking through what the future needs to look like for me to be happy. That night, when he is done work we talk, but avoid the subject of our status. I think he probably wants to hang out but I don’t bite and I end up getting a good 11 hours of sleep.

During that sleep I have a dream that wakes me during the night. It’s about him and his ex; we are all at a party and I’m falling asleep sitting on a couch and between lazy blinks I realize how close they are sitting together and how much closer they seem each time my eyes open. I am conscious of my thoughts and my feelings, even though I am dreaming and wake myself up before it goes to any place I fear it is going. I lay away disturbed by the dream and what I am telling myself.

And yesterday, we ended up dancing around a bit but ended up spending the better part of the day together. Things were awkward at times and conversation at times halted, with neither of us sure we had anything to talk about. Then after I had him drop me off last night we have a phone call. He wants to know what’s going on. How we can spend a whole day together and act like nothing is wrong, but we’re just friends.

I tell him, I don’t want to hurt him and if he needs to not be around me, then that is fine. That I don’t know what I am doing, but he wanted to hangout, and I did too. That I am still confused and hurt. He gets angry with me and we have some heated words defending ourselves. Nothing gets resolved because I still need to sort through things.

And it’s now almost noon and I have not heard from him. It’s completely out of character, but I figure he is trying to make a point and to some degree it is being made. I do miss him. And I do love him. But I’m strong enough to stand up and say I am not going to take inappropriate actions lying down. I have sacrificed some friendships to make him feel better and he cannot even respect me enough to keep a promise to me, to not see his ex without me being present. I don’t think I’m unreasonable. I need time. And if it works out that we get back together, the relationship needs to start on a new foot with us standing as equals. We both have to fully commit to something or there is no point.

Anyone out there have any opinions or advice??

All the single ladies...

Okay, so Wednesday I am at work and Him has the day off. Not something out of the ordinary, given his line of work. There is nothing out of the ordinary going on in my head. I am not paranoid about anything, I’m just enjoying my work day as best I can. Then I decide to take lunch early. There was an obvious point in my work load so I took lunch around noon.

Him had lunch with an ex-girlfriend. The last girlfriend he ever had actually. And on my way back to work I called him to let him know I was heading back and he mentioned that he was sad he missed me because he had planned on stopping by to see me. No big deal for either of us.

I go back to work not really thinking about it and around 3pm I try calling his cell phone. I’m not sure if I touched on this before but he leaves his phone on vibrate and is selective of calls he takes anyway (but not mine). Well I don’t get an answer. This came up before when he was out for a walk and it annoys the hell out of me. If you are going to carry a cell phone and pay a ridiculous monthly fee answer the f’in thing. I try a few more times and then my mind begins to race.

I realize that he is, no doubt, visiting his ex-bf and is choosing not to answer my call. I try his home number in case he went home and I’m over-reacting. Finally, about an hour later I get a hold of him. I ask what he’s been up to and he says a walk. I tell him I have called numerous times and he said he didn’t feel it vibrate. Queue rising blood pressure. I ask how long he’s been walking he says… um an hour or so. I say… did you talk to Ex-BF? He says… yeah. I say… oh. Then my boldness takes over. I say… did you see Ex-BF? He say… um, yeah I stopped in. I say… okay, I gotta run. He asks… can I pick something up for supper for you and your son? I say… nope, I want anything; don’t worry about us. And I hang up.

I then get an onslaught of text messages ranging from I’m sorry, to you can call and ask him we were just talking, to he means nothing to me, to I love you, I messed up… all the texts you expect to hear. I reply occasionally, acknowledging them and telling him I am busy at work.

On the way to pick up my son, I call him. He acts like nothing happened. I go along with it for a while and then I say… so that thing that happened today needs to be dealt with and I’m not doing this anymore. I have been disrespected for the last time. I am done. I tell him I can’t talk about it tonight because I have my son, but we’re done.

Then the evening progresses with more texts saying how he made a huge mistake and will regret it forever, blah blah blah. I have heard the I’m sorry before. I have had the promises not to see him without me and those promises have been broken a few times. So I’m done.

It’s been a couple of days and since I have had my son, we haven’t had a chance to talk about it, so no doubt it will happen tonight. I plan on sticking to my guns. I will be his friend, and we can remain close, but I need time to myself. I need to regroup. I need to focus and really, I need to heal.

Beyonce says it best… shoulda put a ring on it… in this case it means… he should have respected me and kept a promise.

Don't want to cry

I am inching closer to contacting my therapist. It seems the last week has found me more emotional than I have been in a long time. I have been home sick for a few days, which may play a part. Being alone in a house gives you lots of time to think.

That paired with Hallowe'en, and therefore spending time with some of my ex-family members, and spending some time with the wife on Sunday at a sporting event, followed by lunch. Oh, and let's not forget that Christmas is around the corner and on my mind.

I have been fighting back tears. Even last night at the movie theatre, I was watching Law Abiding Citizen and found myself drawn into what I would do in that situation. Oh wait, she's not really my wife...

I also wore my ring on Friday, not realizing that I still had it on when I picked up my son. It's funny how you aren't aware it's on, and then BAM, you are talking to the ex-wife-to-be and you realize it's on and fear that the sun is glaring in her eye from the reflection of metal on your ring finger. She didn't say anything, so I assume it wasn't as obvious as I feared.

I don't want to cry. I don't want to slip into depression. But I am having a lot of trouble moving forward and not thinking I made the biggest mistake in my life... in giving up my marriage before my son was fully grown. I think I need a session to gain some insight into why I am feeling what I am feeling and have some tools to move forward.