Get a lawyer... quick

My therapist had suggested before I even fully decided to tell my wife that I was gay, that I should get a lawyer, or at the very least the opinion of a lawyer. He suggested that things could get very heated right away and that I needed to protect myself. I had this small window of opportunity to prepare for a coming tornado... a tornado my wife would unleash when she heard me admit my sexual orientation was not what I had portrayed for all of those years.

So when I started to come out (a process I'm not sure is ever really completed) I figured that there would be a gap of time before my wife and I ever discussed the topic of divorce or any other legal issues. I figured there would really be no rush, because neither of us was any where near a point of wanting to get re-married. I didn't get that opinion or retain a lawyer, I just opened up and told her the truth. Perhaps that was a mistake.

I told my wife in early June 2008, she left our marital home in late June... and without me knowing until October 2008, she filed for divorce in July 2008. It was only a matter of weeks after giving her the news she filed for divorce. When I heard that news it hurt. I knew it was a fork in the road we would have to come to, but I didn't realize that she was at that point already.

I did learn, in July, however that she had retained legal counsel. And how did I receive this information? My wife had come to the home to pick up our son, and on her way out she left a letter from her lawyer sitting by the front door. I found it shortly after and felt the punch in the stomach. It was a letter telling me that I needed to retain counsel right away, as legal proceedings in our separation were taking place. Suddenly, another part of the reality hit me and I was completely alone. I went upstairs and cried into the pillow on the spare bedroom bed I was now sleeping in. I couldn't bear to sleep in the master bedroom anymore. That part of my life was obviously over.

Once I got a hold of myself I emailed my therapist and asked him to recommend a lawyer. He recommended a top lawyer, who happened to be gay. That lawyer unfortunately was tied up for the foreseeable future but recommended a junior lawyer at a firm in the city. I immediately called her and set up an appointment. I was hesitant having a junior lawyer, because these proceedings were going to determine my future rights to having access to my son and my financial security going forward. I decided to go for the initial consultation and decide from there.

When I met her I was convinced. She was someone who was not going to be intimidated, told me that divorce is no-fault and that I would be okay. She also told me that her practice is to try and solve things out of court and with as little cost burden as possible.

And now here I am, the better part of the year done, since we split, and I have been successful in retaining my access to my son, on an almost 50% basis, and with fingers crossed over the next couple of weeks, my financial future will be written in a court order. I will update once paperwork has been finalized.

So my suggestion to anyone out there about to come out to a spouse matches my therapist. Seek out a legal opinion prior to telling them. The first consultation is generally free and may be able to give you some insight on what the next few years could bring, before the sky opens up and it starts to rain.

My year, legally, has not been smooth. I had to push for what I wanted and not back down. I had to stand outside my in-law's house and be denied access to my son. I have had to pay bills on behalf of my ex-wife to save her credit. I have had to record conversations all to protect myself.

I am proud to say that it's been really hard to stay calm and hide my feelings, but I can hold my head high, that I've been fairly transparent in dealing with legal issues with my ex-wife. I have not done anything I am ashamed of, in that regard. And I recommend anyone who is going to go through this same battle does the same.

I don't want my son to ever feel that I did anything unfair to his mother. I still love her. I didn't forget who she was. I want my son to know I fought hard for my relationship with him... but I fought fair. I will detail more of that journey in future posts.