So when I broke the news to my wife that I was gay she wondered how long I knew. Why had I entered into a marriage when I was gay? I thought about that question a lot. Had I known I was gay when I got married? Had I known when I proposed? Had I known when we moved in together?
Honestly, I don't think I did know. Some people I have come out to say they always knew and were just waiting for me to admit it. Are there blatant signs I should have noticed and known without a doubt?
What about the times when I would catch myself watching other boys or men where ever I was and beating myself up about it. For some reason thinking it was wrong to watch males and not females. Should I have known then?
Or what about being bullied throughout grade school with people calling me names, asking me if I was a girl. Should I have known then? And then I got to adolescense. And I dated girls. Got turned on by them. I masterbated just like every other guy my age. I would sneak into my Dad's porn collection and find all of it arousing. Whether it be guy/girl or girl/girl. It was all a turn on. Then I remember how my fantasies during masterbation would change and I'd be more focused on what guy was fucking the girl, or what his cock looked like, or his body. I didn't want to be gay but something in my head was making me pay attention to males more than females. I would swear to myself that I would only masterbate if I thought about the girl and not the guy. I would pray to God that I could be "normal" and only want to be with a girl. I guess looking back it should be quite obvious that I would probably end up being a gay man. But I guess society got the better of me and I was ashamed of the reality in my head that didn't match what I thought was going to be accepted.
In answer to the question... NO. I did not know I was a gay man. I did not foresee that I would ever get divorced. I had not entered into the relationship in order to maintain a "straight" image. I entered into the marriage because I loved my wife and marriage was the next logical step.
I think the confusing part for anyone out there questioning their sexuality is that you don't realize fully that what you feel isn't quite "normal" according to society. I'm not saying North America hasn't come a long way, but I think most would agree that we still live in a predominantly "straight" society.
My hope is that within this next generation, they will grow to feel normal no matter what their sexual orientation. Prop 8 in California definitely held back progress to a certain degree... but I'll talk about that some other day.
In closing, I'd like to share the fact that I am going through all of this struggle to come out and be honest with myself and others in part to help reach that level of acceptance for the future generations. I hope I am a pioneer of sorts and that my son will grow up with a Gay Dad and that will become normal in our society. It will never be something that his friends whisper about behind his back. If we're not ashamed of it, I hope it takes the fire out of the negativity he may receive.
1 comment:
Dear Newman, and fellow readers
It is a rare occasion that I say much or express my thoughts in words on paper...or on the internet, but I thought I would offer support and credit...where credit is due. I have read these blog entries and I can truly relate and completely understand. Much of what you have explained...explains experiences I have had...and the real person that I am . You say you still don't understand after reading it once...then read it again!! until you can place yourself in this man's situation. What would you have done?? Ask yourself.......... Take a moment of time from your own life and relate, offer support and understanding to Newman and his family. These events actually do happen to some people but most people are too afraid to admit it. Afraid.....is fear. Courage and determination overcomes fear. Courage is without a doubt....what this man has. It is an important quality many of us lack in the real world but nobody admits that either.....what do we actually admit (come out about?) publicly...........it's a secret. How do we explain that theory to our children? Don't talk about it??
You have inspired me to make more changes in my life in order to sort out my reality issues from my real dreams and fantasies. It's time to pick up the pieces and move on...... closer to my dreams. Thank you from myself, our children, friends, family and even the readers that don't comment. Remember---life is beautiful.....you can't quit until you try.
Newman, you are okay...matters and issues will improve gradually. The bonds with your son, wife, soulmate, family, true friends will continue to develop over time building very strong trust relationships. In the end it doesn't even matter?? Yes.... for you and our society it will matter. Your proud son will have children...you will be a grampy.........the life process keeps going on forever and ever.....thanks to individuals like yourself. You will be proud. Think of the fond memories you have had until present day, they will exponentially compound becoming spirits of the past, present and future. Yesterday is history. There will be peace.
If I can offer any addtional support, please let me know. I would be more than happy to help any way I can. Thank you for your time.....What else can I say......everyone is gay...........
p.s. this is a site I heard about on the radio which I hope will make a difference for young people who feel different. Education is vital.
http://www.centrefordiversity.ca
Signed
Afriend
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