Living a Double Life

Now I'm a fan of those new magazine shows... the Dateline NBC, 20/20, 48 Hours Mystery, Cold Case Files... and occasionally there will be a show where someone has disappeared only to later be found living in another city under a new identity. Sometimes they claim they have amnesia, or try and convince they are not that same person but have always been someone else. But there are some of those people who have "disappeared" so as to leave their old life behind. Maybe they were extorting money, maybe they had wives in two different parts of the country, whatever reason the cause is usually they were living a double life and were trying to end the confusion in their head, if nothing else.

I have discussed this topic with friends and family when such shows are on, and no one seems to be able to comprehend what it would be like to live two lives, or how you would get yourself into that situation. Well I understand and can sympathize with the individuals on these prime time shows. Because for the 12 years of my adult life I was, to some degree, living such a double life. I was outwardly trying to live as a "straight man" and on the inside would indulge myself to the idea that part of me was bisexual if not gay. When I got to the age of experimentation with my sexuality I began to also outwardly live a double life. I lived the "straight" boy-next-door type when around my family and friends and lived the inexperienced young man, willing to try a few safe sexual activities and have a good time. And I was able to compartimentalize the two lives and a lot like Beyonce and her Sasha Fierce... I had what I considered two personalities or seperate beings. The straight me and the gay (or what I thought at the time bisexual me) me. Each had a different name, different email addresses, and different experiences. It was tough to make sure I never accidentially used the opposite name or email address and it was just as hard to make up the lies I would have to tell family or friends as to my whereabouts when I was out exploring my sexuality.

Now that I've started coming out to my family and friends I no longer have to live that double life. That is probably the biggest weight off my shoulders. I don't have to maintain so many lies or two personalities. I am one whole person. I might only ever admit that double life to my closest friends and future partner but let me tell you I understand those men and women who disappear and are featured on those news magazine shows. There have been many more days, than not, since coming out that I think about how it would have been mentally easier to leave and start a new life in a new city. I wouldn't have to meld the two lives into one. I wouldn't have to have judgemental people wonder about my potential double life existance and what that mean to my relationship with them.

I feel that living my double life was never a choice but a necessity. I had to go through all of those experiences on each end of the sexual spectrum in order to figure out who I am and gain the experience to make a clear distinction on who I really am. I am a gay man living one life. It hasn't been, and probably won't be easy for a while, but the double life is gone.