Think it's time to re-group

So for over a year now I feel like I have been running non-stop. From bed to work. From work to his place or from work to get my son, back home and jam pack our time together. Then up early to run my son back to school, or the mother-in-law's to be babysat then back to work. And I threw in the gym. It's been non-stop.

That has left me neglecting, at times, my own housework, homework, my health and even to some degree my sanity. I have realized this point on a few occasions but felt like I had to keep up the marathon to get my life to some sort of point of contentment. But I am slowly realizing that I need to slow down.

Traffic congestion in this city may have something to do with it, paired with the change in my employement area in the city, that took place in the summer. Our city is under some major construction that requires I commute for the better part of an hour in the morning from his place to my place to start my day. A commute that should take 10-15 minutes. It is of course giving me an hour less sleep and putting me on edge to some degree.

Yesterday, it came to a bit of a head. There was no explosion and he has no idea where my thinking is right now, but I looked around my house yesterday and realized it has to change. I have always been someone who hated clutter and likes a clean kitchen. I got home yesterday from yoga and I had dirty dishes from Thursday sitting in the sink, iron and ironing board out from Thursday, beds unmade, laundry piled up, groceries not restocked. I think I was in my home for all of three hours all weekend. And my thought was I have my son tomorrow night and I don't want him to think his Dad's place is always a wreck.

I quickly did the dishes and tidied up a bit before showering and heading for supper at a friend's place. This morning I cleaned a bit more and told myself I would run home at lunch and throw some laundry in and make beds. So when we get home this evening it will be a liveable home.

I also need to talk to Him and tell him that I am going to start staying home more often. I need to focus on my course work and get more sleep. I know his reaction will be that he will want to have sleep-overs at my house, but I am going to have to veto that decision.

I have to veto it because I am realizing that he is more needy than normal also, which is unattractive to some degree. The more you push yourself on me the less I want it. It's one thing to snuggle and be close and it's another to smother me. I need a bit of breathing room and I think maybe we'll be able to get back on track (I have kind of frozen in time and am not letting any feelings progress in any direction). I am sure his reaction will be to jump to conclusions that I want out, but I really, at this point just need to re-group. Get my priorities in line. Get my home and mind organized and decluttered.

Slap in the face

So I went to pick up my son yesterday from the in-law's place, as is the regular routine that we are on. The initial transition was nothing out of the ordinary, but as I am walking with my son, hand-in-hand, I notice the car of my father-in-law pull up. We have had one incident before that comes to mind, so seeing him is never something I look forward to.

As I am walking to the car I notice he is not alone in the car. Since one of the brother-in-laws' truck is in the yard I soon realize that it is him. I usually get silent attitude from him and since I have known him since he was a child, I have learned to ignore him. He's the type of guy who you don't even talk to until noon because he is so cranky in the mornings.

But then I notice a third occupant getting out of the car. It's another of the brother-in-laws. And I felt like I was slapped in the face. Panic. I continue to speak with my son and get him into his car seat, without letting myself be visibly effected. The panic is not out of fear or even the slightest thought of any confrontation. It stems from the fact that he was the one I was closest to in the family, other than my wife. We were close friends and shared a lot of intimate feelings with each other, about topics including other's perception of homosexuality towards us. He is someone I rarely see because he lives out of province but within the last few weeks he has deleted me off facebook. I know that it's facebook and really isn't worth much of anything, but he was the only one to keep me on his friends list, and we had exchanged an email about respect and missing each other back when everything came to pass. I had no idea what prompted me to be deleted but it happened and seeing him made me fear his reaction. Was he going to ignore me? Would he give me a look of disgust? Or would he acknowledge me like nothing has changed?

I was in the car, waiting to back out of the driveway once they passed (for safety sake). First one brother-in-law, who didn't even turn his head to look into my car. Then the second came. I pointed him out to my son, because he is his favorite uncle and the brother-in-law looked into the car, straight at me and gave a wave and a muted half-smile. He kept walking into the house and then the father-in-law passed and I was free to go.

I backed out of the driveway and as I drove out of the subdivision I became aware of the physical pain you get when you're really upset. And tears welled up in my eyes. I miss him desperately and part of me thinks from his acknowledgement, he misses me too.

When it came down to things over the years of knowing him from a young teenager to now, we have become true brothers and that bond is still there, even if it is not appropriate for us to share that relationship anymore.

My mind is racing...

So it's after midnight on Sunday night. Normally, I would be fast asleep, but tonight I sit alone in my room watching a movie and it's one of those disaster movies where it's potentially the end of the world. And it gets me to thinking about what I would feel in that same situation.

Here is a coles notes version and what I think it might mean:

If it was going to be the end of the world, I would do whatever it takes to get to my son and ex-wife... whatever it takes and whatever I would have to endure. Even if it meant spending my last days in the company of only my in-laws. Both my son and ex-wife mean that much to me.

I have also thought about what I think people don't understand about my choice to come out. It is not that I stopped loving my wife. I DIDN'T. I still love her!!! And I love her more than most of my "straight" friends and family love their spouses. And then people might say, well you are not in love with her, but YES I AM. I am in love with everything that she is. I can't say there aren't things I would change about her, because we all have flaws... but I love her! The issue is that I am physically attracted to men. DOES NOT MEAN I CANNOT LOVE A WOMAN!!! DOESN'T!!

The movie also makes me wonder if I could ever find that connection with anyone ever again. I know I can love someone, and I can learn to settle (I think I can settle anyway) but I don't know if I would ever have that feeling I have for her for anyone else.

And finally, the movie makes me think... FUCK YOU IDIOT... You need to make it work somehow with her. You need to raise your son with her with both of you in his everyday life making memories and that home as one cohesive family.

In the big scheme of life I think I fucked up.

Is this a sign?

Is it a sign that the relationship should end when you prefer to jerk off alone to porn, as opposed to being sexually active with your boyfriend?

And he's brought the issue up on a few occasions. He is taking it personally, which I don't feel he should do, because there is nothing wrong with him. Maybe I want more excitement.

Or maybe it's true what they say about gay adolescence... that when you come out you need to go through a stage of being single to sew your wild oates...

Well needless to say, I am off to gaytube.com, or dudevu.com, or xtube.com ...

I'm just a passenger

I was on the treadmill tonight at the gym and on the tv in front of me was an entertainment show called The Insider. On that show was a debate over Jon Gosselin and his decision to halt production of Jon and Kate Plus 8. I ran while focused on the show and was thinking about the parallels between their separation and my own separation.

I have never been someone who has watched the show. I was aware it was on, and had caught clips and thought that Kate was a bitch, but didn't put more thought into it until the episode came out where they announced their separation. Like many people I was drawn in. But I wasn't drawn in for the train-wreck, so much as I was drawn in to watch the raw emotion of both the husband and wife on this show.

Strangely, I think the show actually gave me some insight on what my wife may have been thinking or feeling. And I was sad for them. It is hard enough to go through a separation and have your family and friends learn about it, but to have the whole western world know your business is hard to comprehend.

Then I thought about a movie called The Truman Show. How the whole world that Truman knows has been created and is orchestrated for his experience. And that is how I felt today on the treadmill. I felt like I'm watching this separation in order for me to see what not to do and to keep myself focused on being a good Dad and make sure that public (or in my case family and friends) prospective of me is always in the positive light.

There are definitely times, throughout my life, where I feel like my life happens to me and I don't truly have control. Even that day I told my wife I was gay, I don't know that I had control over my actions or my voice. I heard the words come from my mouth but don't know that my brain knew what it was doing.

Life is strange. Everything will be okay but right now it's a bumpy ride I don't know how to get off of.