I still love her and want to be there...

So yesterday, as I do periodically throughout the week, I checked my hotmail account and get the following email from my ex-wife (to-be):

I HATE how when I have a bad day OR something goes wrong, you're not there.
I HATE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The email breaks my heart. I still love her, and seeing emails like this reminds me about part of what I gave up when I came out to my wife. By saying those words, last year, I gave up my best friend. I want to be there for her. I want her to tell me about her good days and bad days. I want to be that man in her life, but I never will be again. Sure, we will, hopefully, become good friends again, but I'll never have that exact place I once had.

I don't think she understands the part of the breakup where I still love her and miss my best friend. She thinks I made an active choice to cut her from my life, as if I was throwing something away, but I made the choice to be honest and be more me. The loss of my best friend, my home, my family, were all the casualties of me having said the words, 'I'm gay.'

If anyone reading this, is in the place I was a year ago, where you are contimplating coming out to your wife, think long and hard. I'm not saying that I wouldn't do all of this again, if I could turn back time, but I think I would have tried to prepare her better. Maybe I would have arranged for a couple's counselor to help us deal with the issue and the upcoming backlash.

No matter what, I still love her and always want to be there.