Ok, I'm gay, guess I have to mention Prop 8

Okay, so I'm no expert in Prop 8, I just know that it's holding back the right of gay men and women from being able to legally marry in California. I have a couple of points to make about this, and then I'm pretty much done, unless someone had a question about my opinion, then by all means leave a comment and I'll respond.

My thought about this whole issue, is that I find this as hard to understand as nuclear physics. I don't understand how any human can look at another and say, nope sorry, you can't make a legal commitment to another person of your gender because it's wrong. It's wrong that you love another man.

So many "straight" people say that homosexuals are promiscuous. If that is the general consensus, then shouldn't the "straight" population be ecstatic that two gay people actually want to make a real commitment to each other and say nope... no more hookups for me?

And having been giving a religious foundation as a child, I understand one's commitment to their church and religion. I understand many religious people believe marriage should only be between a man and a woman. And I'm not asking those people to allow gay men and women to marry in their churches, or change their religion to allow the marriage to be recognized. I'm asking those people to look at how that marriage would affect their life. Would there be a change? Would the earth start to turn in the opposite direction or turn into a giant disco ball? NOPE.

I know that here in Canada a legal gay marriage can happen. I even know in some provinces, if not all, a gay family or even just a gay individual can adopt a child. And chaos has not broken out in this country. There are no wars of "straights" versus "gays". There are families being formed.

I think 50 years from now people will look back at Prop 8 and ask why Californian hated so much. It's not like gay men and women are in hiding in California, like the would in a less liberal country. It's not like it's a disease. I look at this issue like I look at the past when women were not considered human enough to vote or work outside the home. I look at this issue like African descendants here in North America not having any rights. It was wrong then and it's wrong now. We're all human and it's about nothing but love and commitment.

PS. Straight people aren't successful at marriage most of the time either.

Missing Wedding Ring

I am realizing more and more how much I miss my wife and my life prior to being separated. I've started also realizing, on almost a daily basis, the I miss wearing my wedding band. I miss how it felt on my hand. I miss how I subconsciously played with it throughout the day.

I still have the ring. It sits in a tea cup on a shelf at my Mother's house. I'm not sure what most men do with their rings when they are separated, but mine will not leave my possession until my son is old enough.

It's something I have thought about and decided that I will give it to my son when he is old enough to want it. It still symbolizes the love I had and have for his mother. And that ring is the reason he is here, because we loved each other, and wanted to create a child to love.

When I had access to her facebook account, after the breakup, I read an email where she offered her engagement ring to a friend for purchase. She had taken it to be cleaned and inspected and was told by the jeweler that she'd never get the correct value for the ring by selling it privately. So my ex offered it to her friend to have re-sized, or to remove the diamond and create a new ring from it. She said, if someone was going to get a deal on it, it might as well be a friend.

I was a little shocked to learn that she was getting rid of her ring. I understand that she wouldn't want to wear it, and that she was confused as to how true my love had been. I never brought it up, because I wasn't supposed to have access to her facebook and more importantly, because maybe this was a part of her healing process she had to go through.

I was so excited when I purchased her ring. I hadn't told anyone. I saved money to buy it from my first real job. I had the diamond taken from a setting I didn't like and mounted on a ring setting I did like. One that was classic and would surely be loved by the receiver. At the time I was right.

I still want to wear my wedding band, and I'm sure she would like to wear her rings too. Tonight when I get home from work and picking up my son, I think I will slip the ring on, and feel it against my finger again.

I woke up in the middle of the night last night. I was in bed with Him and thought to myself... did I really do all this? am I really an openly gay man? am I really getting divorced. I felt incredible panic and wanted to run back to my wife. And now hours later I still feel the same way.

My thought this week.

So, I haven't blogged yet this week but have wanted to. I have started a couple of times and keep stopping because it's been a strangely emotional start to the week.

I've been thinking a lot about my life without my wife and how empty it feels and I'm having remorse for having come out. I'm sure it's part of the grieving process, but I'm very tempted to ask her to take me back.

I miss my best friend. I miss the stability. I miss not having to worry about someone being faithful to me. I miss pretty much knowing what my future would always look like.

I got an email from her some time ago, that I haven't replied to until this week, while I was emotional. I didn't send it yet, but think I will. I'm tempted to post it here to see what you guys think...

Oh, and thanks for the comments... nice to know someone is reading.

Long drive home...with the ex.

So I think the end of the relationship with Him is definitely in sight.

The last couple of months, I kind of feel like I have found myself again. Part of it, is probably the reality of being seperated from my wife for the better part of a year. Part of it, is probably having a fairly full relationship with Him, without his ex being too much in the picture. And part of it is probably me trying to work on myself through exercise and focusing on my son.

Today he is making a five hour drive home to visit his family. When he first talked about it, it was months ago, and I thought it was a great idea. Take an extended weekend and go home; makes sense. Within the last week he mentioned that he was thinking of posting something on facebook to see if anyone would want to travel with him... to split the gas and have conversation on the drive.

I immediately explain to him that I have no doubt that his ex will offer to go with him. I told him my concern that his ex would hope the drive home would remind him of what they had in common and rekindle some feelings. He said probably not, and that he wasn't interested in that in any way anyway.

The next day he mentions that the ex had expressed some interest. I'm sure that the whole conversation about him putting it on facebook was pre-facing a conversation about him going. The whole thing was probably put in place and the facebook was to put my mind at ease somehow. Well, I'm smarter than that, and it doesn't work that way.

It wasn't until last night, that he got a late phone call from his ex, that I asked it they were both going and he confirmed it. I ingest it and read my book. I play with the idea of leaving his place and going home to bed. Then he asks if I'm coming to bed and I bring it up. I tell him that I'm hurt that he would allow that to happen. That I had expressed my concern and that now it was happening.

It went back and forth. Both of us making some valid points.

I know that when they were breaking up, he had every intention of staying friends with his ex. It was important to him. But I've been cut out of that circle. I don't get invited out with them. I stopped getting emails from the ex.. the whole deal. Now, I'm not surprised. He'd be a huge fool to not suspect we were fooling around... but still.

I don't think I'm wrong here. I have tried taking his side and rationalizing it. I just don't know how I would ever justify it to myself that it is okay to take my ex-bf for a five hour drive, when my new bf clearly made the point that he was not comfortable with it.

I went to sleep last night, with him cuddled to my back, and me being disgusted that he knew he would hurt me by that action and still did it.

I don't want things to end, but I don't think I can let myself be put through this anymore. I am making myself stronger and to let someone walk over me is not something I'm okay with.

He chose to lie, and I don't care.

So last night as I was going to bed with Him there was the buzzing of a cell phone. The vibration of a received text message or missed phone call. I didn't figure it was my phone because I had it on silent, in case I got a call from my new friend... I didn't want any questions from Him about why I would be getting a call or text late at night.

It ended up being his phone and not mine. I ask him to clear it, so it stops the periodic buzzing, which would annoy me through the night. He does and when I ask who it was, which I never would have done before, but I'm kind of in the mindset now where I feel like I have a bit of the upper hand, he said it was a friend Michelle. A girl from back home who he had talked to before that day (at least he claims) and she called back and he avoided it. I trust him... and really don't care.

This morning, I get up, check my phone and see a missed call from my new friend and then hop in the shower. While I'm in the shower Him comes into the bathroom and confesses that it was his ex that had called and that he had lied because he didn't want to start anything last night, since we were having a good evening. I say okay... I don't completely contain my distaste. He holds his face into the shower for me to kiss... I do... and again I find I don't care.

I think I don't care, because I'm a stronger person when it comes to being in the relationship. I now know that I won't be alone forever, if he and I don't work out.

I think I also don't care, because I have this new friend, who calls me and flirts and I don't want to have to explain that to him.

But my having my phone silenced backfired on me. I got to work today and checked my facebook email to see that my new friend had called me because he had needed someone to talk to. He had had a bad weekend/week and was taking me up on an offer to call me anytime he needed someone. I failed! I because that hollow friend who talks the talk but doesn't walk the walk. I'm ashamed of myself. I was more afraid of questions from Him about why I'd be getting a call, then thinking that my new friend might need someone to talk to.

So I'm making a commitment to myself and my friend. I am not silencing my phone any more. If I get a call, I will tell Him who it is, if he asks. There is nothing wrong with being a friend and getting a call at any hour. I'm an adult man who makes my own decisions in life. I don't answer to Him. I needed to be a friend last night and I failed. I am ashamed.

He's been snooping

So about a week ago, I found out, without much doubt that Him has been snooping. I'm fairly certain that it happened last week. A friend of mine, who flirts and is definitely interested in me, sent me a couple of drunken texts.

I didn't check the text, since they arrived while I was in bed asleep. I got up in the morning, and got the day started, not thinking to check my text messages. After getting out of the shower I thought to check my phone, which had fallen through the night, under my bed. Instead of going directly to get it, I waited until Him was in the shower, in case there had been a message.

I check and there are no new messages in my inbox. I think, that's cool... he didn't send any drunken texts... relief. Then, for some reason I check my read items. And there was a message. A little flirty... calling me cute, and labelled drunken text number one. I check for number two, three and four... but there weren't any more.

I'm furious, but what can I say? It's an invasion of my privacy... but not something I haven't done at a point when I was worried. So I let it slide.

I talk to my friend, later in the day ans ask how many messages he may have sent... and he said two. I asked him to resend the second but he says no... it was sent while drunk... and was maybe a little more assertive. I'm nervous, but what can I do? It might not have been received... or it may have been deleted... either way, already done and out of control.

Then today, a week later, I get in the shower and think... hmm... where is my phone. I think nothing of it until, I get out of the shower, and for some strange reason, he has laid my jeans out (with phone inside) on the bed, with a shirt, underwear and socks... I ask why and he says... oh I thought I'd help you get ready. ODD!!

Again, I check my phone, and nothing in received... so I assume I got nothing. And I would have been convinced, but when he leaves me for a while today, and I mention maybe meeting up with the new friend for a bit, he gets sad... starts crying... and says he's just afraid he's going to lose me... and that I mean everything to him. I ask why he's feeling this way and he says he doesn't know, he just has a feeling. I now wonder if maybe he read something and deleted it.

And where do I stand? Well, I am definitely flattered that the new guy has an interest in me. He is definitely a catch and loves kids... I could go on... and I've been tempted but I don't know that he's the one I could see me spending the rest of my life with. I don't know him well enough yet, to even guess. So should Him be worried? Maybe. I mean, I'm a fairly good catch too... I have a good career, I am smart, handsome and a nice guy (I'm not perfect, I know it, but I'm a good guy). I think I've worried long enough that Him wouldn't stay with me... and he didn't try and understand my insecurity... maybe now it's his turn.

Biting my tongue until I taste blood

It is so hard to bite my tongue. In fact, I really don't want to.

I want to tell anyone who will listen about all of the things I am going through. I want to use names. I want to put posters up around their picture perfect neighbourhood telling their neighbours and friends what the family is really like. I want to call up other members of their family and tell them what my ex and the in-laws really think of them, and how they talk behind their backs. I want to call up each of my ex's siblings and tell them what their parents really think of each of them and what the siblings think of each other.

But today, somehow, I have the strength to continue to bite my tongue. I can practically taste the blood, but because I love my son, I continue to stay as calm as I can and be a good Dad and role model for him.

But I think the other option would be much more rewarding.

I still love her and want to be there...

So yesterday, as I do periodically throughout the week, I checked my hotmail account and get the following email from my ex-wife (to-be):

I HATE how when I have a bad day OR something goes wrong, you're not there.
I HATE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The email breaks my heart. I still love her, and seeing emails like this reminds me about part of what I gave up when I came out to my wife. By saying those words, last year, I gave up my best friend. I want to be there for her. I want her to tell me about her good days and bad days. I want to be that man in her life, but I never will be again. Sure, we will, hopefully, become good friends again, but I'll never have that exact place I once had.

I don't think she understands the part of the breakup where I still love her and miss my best friend. She thinks I made an active choice to cut her from my life, as if I was throwing something away, but I made the choice to be honest and be more me. The loss of my best friend, my home, my family, were all the casualties of me having said the words, 'I'm gay.'

If anyone reading this, is in the place I was a year ago, where you are contimplating coming out to your wife, think long and hard. I'm not saying that I wouldn't do all of this again, if I could turn back time, but I think I would have tried to prepare her better. Maybe I would have arranged for a couple's counselor to help us deal with the issue and the upcoming backlash.

No matter what, I still love her and always want to be there.

Mother-in-law from Hell

So on my drive to work today a song was on the radio that took me back to last summer and where my life was then. Music has a way of making me remember specific periods of time. Could have something to do with the fact that when I like a new song I put it on repeat until I know all the words... but no matter what, periods of my life are tied to specific songs forever.

Anyway, the song today reminded me of the period of time last year, when my ex decided that the visitiation that we had (50/50) was no longer going to work for her. She and her lawyer decided that I was entitled to less. I didn't stand for it.

The particular experience the song brought out was a day I went to pick up my son after work and my Mother-in-law tried to take a bit of control. She got him ready and as he was passed to me out the door, I took his hand and she said, see you at 8:30 to my son. I started to walk to my car with him, and said, no, you'll see him in the morning. Then she said, no you have to have him back by 8:30. It took all I had to hold back and not tell the bitch exactly what I thought of her and her family for using my son to get back at me. I looked at my son, and said, no he'll be back tomorrow. It's not your fight to have. I stayed calm, used a flat tone and kept walking to my car. She kept calling the same thing out to me.

By this point another child's parent was there to pick them up, and witnessed the exchange. When I finally had my son buckled in his car seat she said, you better have him back by 8:30 or else. I said, or else what? And she said, we'll call the police. And I said, go ahead. I got in my car, checked my blind spots and drove away.

It was that exact moment in time, that I realized that I had the mother-in-law from hell. That she had overstepped her place in this divorce and made it clear what she thought of me. She was not thinking in the best interests of her Grandson, she was thinking of how she could get to me. For that she will always be a bitch!

I took him to my Mom's place, and we sat at the kitchen table and ate ham for supper. I had to leave the table twice to keep my son from seeing me completely devastated. That three year old boy was in the middle of a bunch of adults who couldn't contain themselves... but I was going to try and shield him as much as possible on my time.

I later called the police and explained the situation. I didn't want to do the wrong thing, and hurt myself when the court date arrived. I didn't want police showing up and pulling my son out of my Mother's house. I would take him back and admit defeat before he had a police officer show up for him.

The officer explained to me, that if there was no court order in place and my son was in no danger, that they would never come and take a child from a parent. So that put my mind at ease. I hadn't made a huge mistake. I don't know if they ever called the police on me. Part of me hopes they did and that they realized that she shouldn't have threatened me, or that my son should not have been exposed to that conversation.

That night, I crawled in bed with him at bed time, read him a book, and snuggled him all night long. I didn't sleep much, but he was next to me, and that's all that mattered.

My ex-wife tried to use this experience against me... saying that I shouldn't have talked to her mother that way. And I wonder how the exact story was told in that house. Someday, my ex will know the real story, because I was recording that interaction. I have it on a digital voice-recorder and will play it for her someday. Just so she knows I really didn't overstep the boundries of respect and attack the grandmother of my son.

Some songs I love, but hate the memories. This is one of them.

Cut it like a gangrene foot.

So my friend D, who I've spoke of on here before, is one of those people who float in and out of your life and things never change. You can not see or hear from her for a year, then you get a text asking to meet for coffee. It's one of the easiest friendships I have. There none of the... you never call... just a hey, let's meet for coffee and catch up.

So I got one of those texts when I left yoga on Saturday. I replied making plans for Sunday evening. I would swing by her place, while her girlfriend was at work, and we'd head out for coffee and I'd give her a progress update.

I meet D at her house and find out that M is also coming for the coffee/talk. It's all good, but D first wants to know how things have progressed with Him. I explain that Him is now single, broke up with his boyfriend a few months ago and things had progressed to a point where we're essentially dating, but just not public. She asks me what the hell that means? And I find myself trying to defend that neither of us is ready for the ex-factor. We're not ready to have the ex's and the associated circles assume that we had been cheating the whole time.

I also found myself explaining things to D, about my concerns around Him and my son. The times where I have access and Him decides to make other plans, or seemingly avoid my place when I've got my boy for the night or weekend or whatever. Part of me understands that this is a great opportunity to visit other friends, and it not be a waste of our time, but then there are the nights where he barely wants to even talk on the phone. And I'm now at a point where I'm assertive enough to let Him know this arrangement isn't good enough. That my son will always be in my life. That there has to be an assimilation into my life. That avoiding that part of the week here and there isn't acceptable if it's to avoid my son. And D had very good advice... make my son my only priority. She even suggested that I didn't need that drama in my life... that I needed to make things calm for my boy and I cannot expose him to any of the feelings I might have about Him not being there. D is completely right.

Soon M shows up, we head out for a coffee and talk. Some of the conversation is about my ex, how she's doing. Some of the conversation is about how I look more like myself than ever. That when I had been married, I was high-strung. That it was obvious I wasn't feeling comfortable in my own skin. We all caught up on each other and headed home.

As I was leaving my lesbian friend behind, at home, she re-inforced her point that I need to focus on my son and cut the drama. She insisted that Him was only a rebound and it'll never be my lasting relationship. And I'm starting to wonder that myself. She told me to cut it... like a gangrene foot.