Marital problems

I think a year of separation makes you forget some of the struggles you had in your relationship. At least in my case it does. I know we had rough patches but now they don’t seem like there is any way they could have been that bad. Could they have really been so bad that I threw caution to the wind and changed all of our lives?

I’m thinking back right now and here are a few things that come to mind, about struggles that we had when we were the clichéd happily married couple.

Money – the root of a lot of evil for many couples. Our struggle with money was about the little things… the needless spending (in my mind) on things like a daily coffee or trips to the Dollar Store and Walmart for junk we didn’t need.

Mental Stability – I feel like an ass discussing this, but one major struggle that was in our marriage was the depression my wife slipped into prior to us getting married. It was a struggle because it was never something I understood. I assumed that some of her symptoms were selective to an extent and that she just didn’t want to interact publicly as much, or want to work outside of the home.

I didn’t understand why someone could let themselves go. Why health went on the back burner, including weight. Why she allowed herself to be medicated instead of seeking alternate ways to get through the slump I assumed she was in. I would ask why she was depressed and never got a straight answer. I asked if she asked about other things she should do, like more exercise, more or less naps, meditation, reading, anything other than just taking tiny pills and never getting better.

And here we are at least six years later and she is still on the same medication, if not more. There are new doctors who have made some bold statements but have not been able to help her get off the medication. A medication which, when I spoke about it with a pharmacist, I was told no one should be on for the long term.

An issue I also had with the depression and resulting, regular therapy sessions was the fact that I never was told what was causing her the depression. In our last six months together I gave up trying to find out. I stopped asking her what else we could do together to help her feel better.

I still don’t understand depression. And I feel bad for discounting it over the years; it’s a regret I will always have.

Maintaining a home – Another issue I had with our relationship was the uneven burden of maintaining our home. The endless hours I spent cleaning, while she read books or was out with friends, or watching re-runs on tv. I know part of that is related to the depression noted above, but I believe part of it was that I did so much, so she knew it would get done whether she did it or not. This is an issue she admitted to and at times did make attempts to balance out the burden, but it is something I did because it needed to be done, just like my Mom did for all of those years of her marriage.

I will admit, I had my faults too, but these were my three main struggles that I couldn’t always get past. These are the fights I would rather be having now, than feeling like none of us will ever be as happy as we once were.

I am a loser who threw our lives upside down. Someone who probably caused a lot more therapy sessions and prescriptions. Someone who hurt someone so deeply she will never really forgive me.

I’d give anything to wake up from this dream.