Being the bigger person.

So often in conversations between Him and me, I get a lot of flack for trying to be the bigger person with my Ex. Today is a prime example. There is an event coming up that involves our son being showcased. The event requires tickets and those tickets are in high demand.

Trying to be a good father, and friend to my ex, I offer to pick up a ticket for her and she can pay me back. She doesn’t really thank me for the offer but asks that I pick up two tickets so that she can take someone with her. Now I don’t need recognition from her to say I’m doing the right thing because I am doing it for my boy. The child who deserves both of his parents to be full participants in his life and feel all the attention and love he deserves.

Due to technical difficulties and my work schedule, I am unable to get the tickets as soon as they go on sale. I speak with Him about it and explain my fear that the tickets will be sold out and we won’t have the chance to go. He offers to run to a location that will undoubtedly be able to sell tickets. In that conversation I thank him and ask him to pick up six tickets. Two of said tickets are for my ex and someone else of her choosing.

Now, on a side note, I should point out that during an event at my son’s school I showed up just as the event was about to start and after getting a text from my ex about whether I was there yet or not, I enter the building and look for my ex. Every other event at the school we have sat together as a united front for our son, even when we could barely talk to each other. We put smiles on and dealt with it. This event, the last of the school year, I walk into the room full of adults to see that my ex, her mother, and some random cousins and aunts and uncles were all sitting in the front row and not an empty seat left for me. It crushed me, not so much because of the fact that I was no longer a member of her family – which does hurt, but because my son would see her and her mother in the front row and he might not see me standing to the side of the room proudly taking pictures and hoping for a smile or wave. Finally after standing by myself and trying to hide the emotion of it all, a former high school friend of my ex-wife waved me over and offered me a seat next to her near the back of the room.

Anyway, back to today’s event’s… I have had some email exchanges with my ex confirming that I had been able to get her two tickets. She asked the price and time and I didn’t know, because I hadn’t been successful in my attempts to purchase them myself. I immediately text Him to find out. I don’t want to tell her who bought them, because it might hurt her, but I end up telling her I had someone else pick them up due to my difficulties.

Finally about an hour later I get a call from Him. He doesn’t know details, he just paid and threw them in the car. He then goes on to ask why I had offered to pick up her tickets, because remember the time at his school when there wasn’t a seat saved for you? And you had to go by yourself? Remember that? And why do I have to be so nice to her, she’s capable of picking up tickets and if she couldn’t get them, then too bad.
I shoot back that someone has to be the bigger person. Someone has to make things for our son easier and it’s me. That I’m the one that may be up against a wall, but I will do whatever I need to make sure that life is easier for my son. And that he needs both of his parents to be fully involved.

He doesn’t understand, and I am okay with it to a point, because I wanted him to remind me of how much she hurt me too (when I was in my darkest days). But why is everyone so petty?
Don’t get me wrong, I am stubborn, one of the traits I clearly got from my father, but for me the world revolves around my son and sometimes I have to be the one to shield him for the bitter world that revolves around him.

I think that I got my point across to Him. He backed down a bit and he does have a valid point to a degree, but this is my life, and this is my son’s life. If it can be easier in any way I am willing to try.

I regret that I came out

I feel like I am definitely in a transition. My mind is constantly playing thoughts in the back of my mind that creep to the forefront trying to give me the same message over and over. The problem is that message doesn’t exactly seem to be plausible in reality.

I regret the choice I made to come out to my wife. Sure I have enjoyed the freedom of single life to a degree. I have enjoyed not really having to answer to anyone when I didn’t want to. I enjoyed going out for drinks on the weekends I didn’t have my son and being that careless man who didn’t have to worry about what she would think. But the feeling that I am missing out on so many memories with my son is overwhelming and one I will always regret. The problem is that after coming out I felt whole. I felt like the complete person I had always been in my head, but part of that person was always hidden from the outside world. I had the straight me, which I projected to everyone in my daily life. I was always somewhat aware of my actions or words. When I came out I didn’t have to be aware and it felt great. It was intoxicating and I think that intoxicating feeling of being the whole me was what made me brave enough to say the words.

I have always been a planner. I have always been someone who thinks out all scenarios but I guess I wasn’t complete in thinking this through. I didn’t really think about how much I would miss my son, wife and in-laws. I know I have a great arrangement with regards to custody, but it’s still not good enough for me. I want him all the time.

And did I just say that I miss my wife and in-laws? After all the fighting, legal battles, threats to call the police on me when they didn’t feel it was my night to keep my son, the dirty looks and intimidation tactics? Yes. I miss everyone one of them. Why? Because they were my family. Because they were part of my memories and are so important in the life of my son and ex-wife.

I feel like I am on the verge of sitting my ex-wife down and talking to her about this. I want to lay my feelings out and be vulnerable and get my life back, to some degree. And this is probably why I am having overwhelming feelings of doubt with Him. That if he got annoyed enough with me and left it would be easier than for me to make a decision to end things. Our relationship has been getting worse, and between you and me, it doesn’t really bother me. In fact, I almost feel like it would be a relief. I don’t feel like I get the respect I deserve from Him at times, and it’s happened enough that I have hardened to a certain extent.

At this point, I’m just going to ride the wave a bit longer. I am going to just let life continue on the track I am on and not try and steer it into any certain direction. I just know that I’m not content and know a change will come; I just don’t know what the change will be.

If anyone out there is reading this and is thinking of having a talk to your wife about your orientation, please feel free to ask me questions. I’m over a year into the experience and am not as settled as I expected I would be.

Divorce thoughts.

I grew up in a home with married parents. There were no step parents, not step-siblings, just the regular nuclear family. When I proposed to my wife I expected the same life. One where the husband and wife were committed to each other for the rest of their lives, and had children and raised them together and have some picture perfect moments.

A lot of that outlook on adulthood, was no doubt the result of my environment and media. It wasn't just my upbringing because my parents did not have the ideal marriage. My Dad was the ruler of the home and we all had to follow or hell would break loose. There were nights where my sister and I were woken up to the sound of a yelling match between my parents. There were years of my life where I wish my parents would get divorced. But it never happened.

I NEVER thought I would ever get divorced. I never thought I'd have an end to that relationship. And here I am a year later, still spinning from the thought that I would be divorced. I would be a statistic. That my son would not be raised with two parents in one home.

I have to wonder how different divorce would be for someone with no children. Without much doubt, I can say it has got to be a lot easier. Sure the pain of losing your best friend and everything that is familiar is hard and seems unbearable. But you can also leave that relationship knowing you never have to deal with that person again. You don't have to talk to them on a regular basis. You don't have to always wonder what they might be up to.

If I had no son in the mix, I would have left this city and started up a new life. Surrounded myself with all things unfamiliar. A new city, a new job and new friends. It would surely be an adventure instead of feeling completely lost in the world you once knew every corner of.

I had an email disagreement with the ex today. I so badly wanted to say that I had made the biggest mistake of my life and wanted a do-over. But I can't. I'm gay. And too much damage has been done. Life is more familiar and I have a good circle of friends... but it's not what I grew up expecting my life to be like... and that's a hard pill to swallow.

Gay-away opened my eyes

I never did share any information about my Gay-away a couple of months ago. I have been meaning to make this post since I got home, so there's no time like the present.

Montreal has a great gay village, and was the first village I stepped into. It was odd to see so many gay flags, and groups of gay men having dinner on patios, and laughing and being carefree, while alongside families. Where I'm from I am beginning to notice more gay couples being open, and even saw two early twenties guys walking through a neighborhood that I would consider kind of ghetto, holding hands without watching for any reactions.

The wild nights started with me heading out to a club to have some drinks and dance. After a while I insisted that we head to the village to go to one of the bigger gay clubs. A select group decided to join me but wanted to go to a male strip club first.

The male strip club wasn't exactly what I expected. I have gone to straight clubs before and it did nothing for me. I can see the beauty in a woman's body, but felt they were being exploited. The male club on the other hand was right up my alley, in the fact that the guys were young, and good looking and well groomed. I was probably drooling at one point.

I was a little surprised to see them making little money during the open show and hope they were raking it in during the private shows. I heard there is contact allowed in Montreal and I'm not sure what that entails but it could be hot... but not a lifestyle someone could probably endure for very long.

I joked that once I got my body fat down to 0%, I'd be heading up for amateur night. In the back of my mind I am not against it... and I could use the extra cash to pay off my wife's debts, but I know it's not ever going to happen.

Then from there we headed to the gay club. It was packed and sweaty and there were so many good looking topless guys around. Oh did I mention that NO ONE in Montreal is overweight? Everyone had a flat stomach, except me. I'm not bad... but not feeling like the shirt could come off any time soon in that city.

When the clubs closed we all headed out on the street and a couple of friends and I weren't ready to go home. One of my buddies was seemingly getting a handjob from a friend of his in an alley, and it could have progressed if his friends weren't waiting around for him. Sorry man. And after they were done... to who knows what degree... his buddy left and he was with us. We tried to find one of the "dark rooms" or "back rooms" or something where we could watch guys messing around, but to no luck. We settled for a peep show.

The peep show was sketchy. We paid $6 per person to get in and had access to a couple of theatres. We jumped back and forth a couple of times watching the show happening live in front of us. And after a while we whipped out our gear and jerked off. It was hot but who knows how hygienic. Needless to say I was aware what skin touched surfaces and those were kept to a minimum and cleaned very carefully.

And of course there were trips to check out sex shops and lots of flirting and checking out the guys. Montreal was definitely a freeing place to be. It made me comfortable and made me want to not sleep... because I might miss out on something new and fun. I will return.

I put on the ring.

So for weeks or maybe even a couple months I have been itching to put my wedding ring back on. Just to see how it felt. If it felt foreign, or if it felt as comfortable as it did when I was married.

The result is that it felt amazing. The smooth while gold slid down my knuckle and found the sweet spot on my ring finger it had always claimed. I looked at my hand and remembered what it looked like to always wear that ring.

I then left it on while I made supper for my son and myself. I left it on while washing dishes and cutting strawberries for dessert. I didn't want to take it off but when company was arriving I quickly removed it and put it back in the place I've kept it since moving.

I miss wearing it and I think maybe trying it on was a mistake because I want to do it again. I even thought about what people would think if I wore it on my opposite hand. But really, do I care what they think? The ring is mine. It's my hand. I can chose what I want... but I won't do anything without over-analysing responses.

Anyway... off to Montreal... ironically the first place I ever bought myself a ring... ironically while on a weekend away with my then girlfriend (ex-wife).

Gay-away

So with summer finally arriving (by calender date anyway... weather is not indicative) it's time to have some vacation to look forward to. Since I have family in Montreal and have never spent any amount of time in that great city my bf (if I can call Him that) and I will be venturing to Montreal for a Gay-Away.

We're staying with my family for the majority of time, but have also booked ourselves into a gay B&B in the village for a night. We have talked about things we want to do while in town and so far those items include going to Sky bar, shopping, eating a great restaurants, taking in a XXX movie, and checking out some sort of after-hours adult establishment. We're going to be adventurous since we're not in our own city. Heck, we even plan on enjoying the hot tub at the B&B with any other guests that want to join.

So stay tuned for details when I get back next week.

Can't get you off my mind

It's still a daily thought. I want my old life back. I want to have my son in my house everday. I want to tuck him in every night. I want to hear every laugh and be in every one of his memories. If I knew it would be this hard...

I also miss my wife terribly. I miss my best friend. I miss meals, family gatherings and having a partner who was predictable. And I mean that in a way like... I knew body language... she knew when I needed space or understanding. I miss our unspoken language.

I knew it would be hard. I knew things wouldn't be the same. I didn't know it would hurt this much. I didn't know I would mourn the idea of a "perfect family-life" for my son so much.

If you're thinking of doing what I did and coming out to your wife... think long and hard. Contact me and I'll share thoughts before you do. I wish I had had someone with experience to talk to.