Learn her passwords

So if you are a married man out there and are thinking of telling your wife that you are gay I suggest you make sure you have all of the possible bases covered. My tip today, is to make sure you know as many of her passwords as possible.

Sure, some will say this is unethical, or does not show strength of character, but I will let you in on a little secret... there's and EXTREMELY fine line between love and hate, and when you tell her those words you will have crossed it. And if she's anything like my wife, anything will be fair in war.

At first, I did not tell anyone that I was checking her email account or facebook. Not even my family or best friends knew that I was snooping. It became part of my daily ritual. Check my email, my facebook and then hers. And it paid off... I learned things she was planning with her lawyer, that allowed me time to prepare myself. I learned who she was telling about my sexuality, and the reactions they were returning to her. I learned about games she was going to play with my access. I learned about the ups and downs in her feelings.

Nothing of what I read was pleasant. It hurt to read her pain and hear how it was making her react. It hurt to hear her family put me down, and describe their hate for me. It hurt to hear the threats of my safety and my family's safety that they were planning.

I had access to this information for months. I checked faithfully throughout the day, hoping to gain some insight to so I could be prepared to any tricks she or her lawyer might pull. And there was a lot of information that I gained that helped my lawyer and I make decisions on how to proceed in securing my access to my son.

Why she didn't think to change her password blows my mind, but for those months, I had an inside track to her thoughts and interactions regarding me. I printed off emails and screen-scraped facebook pages. A lot of those thoughts angered me, and biting my tongue has never been my strong suit. I'm someone who generally takes things for a period of time before I blow up and have to confront someone.

In this period of my life I learned the strength it took to keep my mouth shut and just be an observer. And perhaps, that knowledge I gained made me be more constructed in the way I fought for my son. I had to make calculated moves on conversations I had, in order to not let her know I had that inside information.

All and all, I suggest learning her passwords. It wasn't something I told everyone that I knew, but it certainly allowed me to be more prepared in fighting for my son. The one fight I couldn't stand to lose. All is fair in fighting for access to your children.

Why is it so rare?

So I have had quite a broad spectrum of reactions to my coming out as a gay man, after being married. I suspect it's not really that different for any gay man, but definitely something to really think about.

Why is it so rare to receive a response of sympathy? Now, before I piss anyone off... I don't mean... oh I feel sorry for you because you're gay... or sucks to be you, you freak. I don't agree with either of those statements... this is who I am and I'm okay with it... I don't feel abnormal in the least. In fact, now that I'm coming out, I feel more normal than I ever have.

I am talking about a reaction where the friend, family member, or co-worker... who ever they are says, wow I feel really bad that you had to grow up, or live life as an adult and feel like you had to hide part of who you are. That you've felt that your family or friends would judge you in a way that you might have felt bad about your sexual orientation.

Why is it so rare?

I am not looking for anyone in my life to feel like I deserve more sympathy than my ex-wife or son, for all that they have gone through or are going through... but I am looking for more understanding at the challenge that I faced in my decision to admit to the world that I'm a gay man. And that my not fully recognizing that until I was married, owning a house and raising a child only made it that much more difficult to admit.

Want to runaway

So I'm having one of those days where I want to runaway... escape reality by packing up my shit and heading somewhere new.

I have had a lot of these days over the past year. Most were during the period where I had to fight with my ex or the in-laws to see my son, on the regular schedule we had been using since she moved out. It was a time where I felt so defeated, and if I wasn't going to win anyway, then why stay and fight. But I stayed and I won.

Right now my dis-content cannot be as directly linked to one specific thing. Sure I'd love to have my son in my house everyday, and I could check on him as he slept everynight... but I've kind of accepted that isn't reality. I think it's stemming from my career path. I'm not feeling fulfilled in my career, but the money is good, and the position has stability that I need. And maybe it's that I'm not feeling the most secure in the quasi-relationship that I'm in.

Last night, I was hanging out with a new friend and the one I'm in the quasi-relationship calls while I'm out and slips out that he's going to hang out with his ex-bf. I know that they've broken up, and I trust that he just wants to be friends... but I'm worried. There was a slip during the initial part of their break up and when I'm starting to hang out with a new friend I'm concerned it's could be a kind of payback out of worry. And I know the ex-bf still wants the one I'm with.

And to compound the problem... our relationship is underwraps at this point, to save other people's feelings, until we feel it's a reasonable amount of time after breakups for us to be dating.

Sorry for the rant, but other than my therapist no one knows the full story. I need to get it out... and hope that somewhere in Internetland...someone is understanding where I am and letting me know that this too will pass.

I want to be in a happy healthy relationship and have a career I am content with... when will that day come??

Intimidation

The ability to have access to my son is something I do not take for granted. I had a long drawn-out fight and a lot of tears shed to maintain an almost 50/50 split of his time with my ex-wife-to-be. That does not mean that everything is friggin butterflies and kittens now. There are days where I have to "exchange" him with members of my in-laws because either the ex is at work, or with friends... or whatever.

The last few months have found me reaching a fairly calm level of interaction with my ex-mother-in-law. A bitch, I should not have to be nice to for all of the bullshit she pulled in the battle I had to maintain my rights to my son. But for the sake of my son's mental health, I put on a fake smile and am polite if nothing else. The same cannot be said for that family.

A new example, which caused pain yesterday, was my first face-to-face interaction with the ex's baby brother. A man who I met when he was probably ten years old, and he admittedly doesn't remember life before me being with his sister. A man who I asked to be my best man because he was like a brother I never had by blood. And a man who in the last few years has made many stupid mistakes in his personal life that both put his life and his family's lives in danger.

It went like this. It's almost 5pm, my drop off time. I walk my son up to the front door and ring the door bell. I kiss my son and tell him that I'll see him Wednesday and that I'll miss him. I hear some commotion in the house but still no one answers the door. I continue to talk to my son and try and get him excited to see his Mom. Still nothing. Then the front door finally opens and there he stands, T. I open the screen door and put my son on the floor and put a couple of things I had in my hands down on a table next to the door. T stands there with a look of disgust in his face and hate in his eyes.

My poor son puts his arms out to me and doesn't want me to leave. I immediately have to fight back tears, thinking he doesn't understand and isn't comfortable in one of his homes. I ask where his Mom is, and he says downstairs in her room. I try and explain it to my son, but it doesn't matter. He's too overwhelmed by the situation. Finally, after some waiting and her brother yelling her name, she emerges. I truly believe the whole interaction was constructed to intimidate me, but instead caused my son confusion and pain.

I left him in my ex's arms. And as I backed out of the driveway I am dailing her cell phone. But she doesn't answer any of my three attempts. Luck I guess, because my anger would have gotten the better of me. Instead on the third call I had the smarts to hang up and not leave a message. Instead I cried, remembering the look in my son's eyes and admitting to myself that yes I was intimidated. T is a loose canon that cannot be trusted.

Today, immediately after I post his entry, I am writing an email to my lawyer. I will ask that she send a letter to opposing counsel encouranging his client to ensure that my son is not put in that situation ever again. And if we are forced to have a review of the arrangment, which the ex had propsed during the access settlement in November, then the topic of exchange location and with whom will also be re-examined.

And, I'm also going to suggest that we ask for information about T's intention to stay back in the home my son is living in. He just arrived back in the home after a couple years of living away. My concern is the danger he may also bring to that home, with my son inside.

I have made mistakes in the past, I admit, but I try and keep my son's best interests at heart. When all is said and done, yesterday involved my four year old son standing in the foyer of his grandparent's house confused and upset. Something that could have been avoided if the ex had been able to contain her own or her brother's feelings towards me.

Get a lawyer... quick

My therapist had suggested before I even fully decided to tell my wife that I was gay, that I should get a lawyer, or at the very least the opinion of a lawyer. He suggested that things could get very heated right away and that I needed to protect myself. I had this small window of opportunity to prepare for a coming tornado... a tornado my wife would unleash when she heard me admit my sexual orientation was not what I had portrayed for all of those years.

So when I started to come out (a process I'm not sure is ever really completed) I figured that there would be a gap of time before my wife and I ever discussed the topic of divorce or any other legal issues. I figured there would really be no rush, because neither of us was any where near a point of wanting to get re-married. I didn't get that opinion or retain a lawyer, I just opened up and told her the truth. Perhaps that was a mistake.

I told my wife in early June 2008, she left our marital home in late June... and without me knowing until October 2008, she filed for divorce in July 2008. It was only a matter of weeks after giving her the news she filed for divorce. When I heard that news it hurt. I knew it was a fork in the road we would have to come to, but I didn't realize that she was at that point already.

I did learn, in July, however that she had retained legal counsel. And how did I receive this information? My wife had come to the home to pick up our son, and on her way out she left a letter from her lawyer sitting by the front door. I found it shortly after and felt the punch in the stomach. It was a letter telling me that I needed to retain counsel right away, as legal proceedings in our separation were taking place. Suddenly, another part of the reality hit me and I was completely alone. I went upstairs and cried into the pillow on the spare bedroom bed I was now sleeping in. I couldn't bear to sleep in the master bedroom anymore. That part of my life was obviously over.

Once I got a hold of myself I emailed my therapist and asked him to recommend a lawyer. He recommended a top lawyer, who happened to be gay. That lawyer unfortunately was tied up for the foreseeable future but recommended a junior lawyer at a firm in the city. I immediately called her and set up an appointment. I was hesitant having a junior lawyer, because these proceedings were going to determine my future rights to having access to my son and my financial security going forward. I decided to go for the initial consultation and decide from there.

When I met her I was convinced. She was someone who was not going to be intimidated, told me that divorce is no-fault and that I would be okay. She also told me that her practice is to try and solve things out of court and with as little cost burden as possible.

And now here I am, the better part of the year done, since we split, and I have been successful in retaining my access to my son, on an almost 50% basis, and with fingers crossed over the next couple of weeks, my financial future will be written in a court order. I will update once paperwork has been finalized.

So my suggestion to anyone out there about to come out to a spouse matches my therapist. Seek out a legal opinion prior to telling them. The first consultation is generally free and may be able to give you some insight on what the next few years could bring, before the sky opens up and it starts to rain.

My year, legally, has not been smooth. I had to push for what I wanted and not back down. I had to stand outside my in-law's house and be denied access to my son. I have had to pay bills on behalf of my ex-wife to save her credit. I have had to record conversations all to protect myself.

I am proud to say that it's been really hard to stay calm and hide my feelings, but I can hold my head high, that I've been fairly transparent in dealing with legal issues with my ex-wife. I have not done anything I am ashamed of, in that regard. And I recommend anyone who is going to go through this same battle does the same.

I don't want my son to ever feel that I did anything unfair to his mother. I still love her. I didn't forget who she was. I want my son to know I fought hard for my relationship with him... but I fought fair. I will detail more of that journey in future posts.

Did I trick her into marrying me?

So when I broke the news to my wife that I was gay she wondered how long I knew. Why had I entered into a marriage when I was gay? I thought about that question a lot. Had I known I was gay when I got married? Had I known when I proposed? Had I known when we moved in together?

Honestly, I don't think I did know. Some people I have come out to say they always knew and were just waiting for me to admit it. Are there blatant signs I should have noticed and known without a doubt?

What about the times when I would catch myself watching other boys or men where ever I was and beating myself up about it. For some reason thinking it was wrong to watch males and not females. Should I have known then?

Or what about being bullied throughout grade school with people calling me names, asking me if I was a girl. Should I have known then? And then I got to adolescense. And I dated girls. Got turned on by them. I masterbated just like every other guy my age. I would sneak into my Dad's porn collection and find all of it arousing. Whether it be guy/girl or girl/girl. It was all a turn on. Then I remember how my fantasies during masterbation would change and I'd be more focused on what guy was fucking the girl, or what his cock looked like, or his body. I didn't want to be gay but something in my head was making me pay attention to males more than females. I would swear to myself that I would only masterbate if I thought about the girl and not the guy. I would pray to God that I could be "normal" and only want to be with a girl. I guess looking back it should be quite obvious that I would probably end up being a gay man. But I guess society got the better of me and I was ashamed of the reality in my head that didn't match what I thought was going to be accepted.

In answer to the question... NO. I did not know I was a gay man. I did not foresee that I would ever get divorced. I had not entered into the relationship in order to maintain a "straight" image. I entered into the marriage because I loved my wife and marriage was the next logical step.

I think the confusing part for anyone out there questioning their sexuality is that you don't realize fully that what you feel isn't quite "normal" according to society. I'm not saying North America hasn't come a long way, but I think most would agree that we still live in a predominantly "straight" society.

My hope is that within this next generation, they will grow to feel normal no matter what their sexual orientation. Prop 8 in California definitely held back progress to a certain degree... but I'll talk about that some other day.

In closing, I'd like to share the fact that I am going through all of this struggle to come out and be honest with myself and others in part to help reach that level of acceptance for the future generations. I hope I am a pioneer of sorts and that my son will grow up with a Gay Dad and that will become normal in our society. It will never be something that his friends whisper about behind his back. If we're not ashamed of it, I hope it takes the fire out of the negativity he may receive.

Living a Double Life

Now I'm a fan of those new magazine shows... the Dateline NBC, 20/20, 48 Hours Mystery, Cold Case Files... and occasionally there will be a show where someone has disappeared only to later be found living in another city under a new identity. Sometimes they claim they have amnesia, or try and convince they are not that same person but have always been someone else. But there are some of those people who have "disappeared" so as to leave their old life behind. Maybe they were extorting money, maybe they had wives in two different parts of the country, whatever reason the cause is usually they were living a double life and were trying to end the confusion in their head, if nothing else.

I have discussed this topic with friends and family when such shows are on, and no one seems to be able to comprehend what it would be like to live two lives, or how you would get yourself into that situation. Well I understand and can sympathize with the individuals on these prime time shows. Because for the 12 years of my adult life I was, to some degree, living such a double life. I was outwardly trying to live as a "straight man" and on the inside would indulge myself to the idea that part of me was bisexual if not gay. When I got to the age of experimentation with my sexuality I began to also outwardly live a double life. I lived the "straight" boy-next-door type when around my family and friends and lived the inexperienced young man, willing to try a few safe sexual activities and have a good time. And I was able to compartimentalize the two lives and a lot like Beyonce and her Sasha Fierce... I had what I considered two personalities or seperate beings. The straight me and the gay (or what I thought at the time bisexual me) me. Each had a different name, different email addresses, and different experiences. It was tough to make sure I never accidentially used the opposite name or email address and it was just as hard to make up the lies I would have to tell family or friends as to my whereabouts when I was out exploring my sexuality.

Now that I've started coming out to my family and friends I no longer have to live that double life. That is probably the biggest weight off my shoulders. I don't have to maintain so many lies or two personalities. I am one whole person. I might only ever admit that double life to my closest friends and future partner but let me tell you I understand those men and women who disappear and are featured on those news magazine shows. There have been many more days, than not, since coming out that I think about how it would have been mentally easier to leave and start a new life in a new city. I wouldn't have to meld the two lives into one. I wouldn't have to have judgemental people wonder about my potential double life existance and what that mean to my relationship with them.

I feel that living my double life was never a choice but a necessity. I had to go through all of those experiences on each end of the sexual spectrum in order to figure out who I am and gain the experience to make a clear distinction on who I really am. I am a gay man living one life. It hasn't been, and probably won't be easy for a while, but the double life is gone.

Where am I today...

So it's Thursday, March 5th and I'm sitting on my couch next to my son. He's four years old and watching a dvd on and eating supper. We're starting to find our rythmn. It seemed when my wife first left our marital home and we were sharing custody (without issue) things with my son hadn't changed all that much. When he was with me he was in the home he had always known and sleeping in his own bed. Things were quasi-normal for him.

Then when the house was sold and I moved back to my parents home things changed. He was a bit withdrawn and I found myself to be a bit out of sorts myself. I wasn't comfortable in my parents home... it wasn't mine. It wasn't the house I took from bleek and out of style and comfort to a home I was proud to show off and took pride in sharing the projects I had taken on myself. I also didn't realize that no longer being in the home my son always knew as his, would make him need me to actively spend more time entertaining him, or else he would sit like a zombie in front of the tv. But mentally, I wasn't the best father. I was preoccupied with all of the clutter that had filled my life. The new job, the course I had signed up for (in hopes of furthering my career someday), the thoughts of the games my wife began to play with her lawyer, the loss of some friends we had as a couple, the loss of my in-laws whom I had always been very close with. I would spend time checking facebook and email looking for clues that might tell me what she was up to... trying to prepare myself in any way I could, so I'd win whatever battle she'd wage next. It was exhausting and pulled me from my son.

Finally one day, for some reason, I was standing in the kitchen using my laptop when I looked in at my son on the couch, where I sit right now, and he looked like a zombie watching tv. I couldn't be that Dad. I couldn't let my son's life with me pass by and him not have any real memories of time with me. I never got along with my father. I never had the fun memories with my father that my friends had with theirs... I had always promised that wouldn't be my relationship with my son, yet it was essentially happening. I shut my laptop and went in and snuggled him. I apologized to him and he asked for what. I didn't tell him why... that I had become a bad father... but I made a vow to myself that I would make great memories with him. Sure he wouldn't have the "picture perfect" cliched family you saw on tv when I was growing up, but it didn't mean he couldn't have the best relationship with his Dad... it didn't mean he had to grow up feeling like he missed out on something. It's been a couple of months since I had that revelation, but there are still days that I start to get preoccupied... but I catch myself and switch it off... the time with my son is valuable. Before I know it he'll be too big to want to spend time at home in the evenings with his Dad when he can be out with his friends. I'm going to enjoy it.

I still have a long road ahead of me... but where I am right now... sitting on a couch next to my son, just being is where I am today and where I want to be.

Who is he?

So one of the first people I told that I was gay was a close friend of the family, I'll call her D. She is a friend of my older sister, and she came out as a lesbian probably close to ten years ago. I remember specifically when she came out that my Mom thought it was just a stage. In the baby-boomer's mind it was a fad and she'd get through the stage and settle down with a man and have the nuclear family we were all intended to have. But for now it was the in thing to be gay.

Now my Mom wasn't saying this in a judgemental way, she truly believed it. She didn't understand that her coming out had been this long journey to admit to the world that she prefered the love of another woman over the love of a man, and nothing could change it. As time went on it just became a non-issue. She continued to flow in and out of our lives and even vacationed with my sister and mother. And because of her my Mom learned to accept it, probably not understand but accept that this was not a stage she would grow out of.

So when I reached the point where I knew I was going to tell the world I was gay, the first person I turned to, about talking to family was D. I texted her and asked if we could meet sometime. I thought that was innocent enough, and not totally out of regular possibility. She agreed. We played text-tag for a few days and her interest was also mixed with concern that I was going to tell her of a terminal illness in the family. I told her that was not the case and we finally made plans to meet at her place after work on a Thursday for a talk. I got the directions to her place and made my way over. I remember thinking she was the safest person I could tell. I would receive no judgement from D. She had been there.

So I drive up to her house and she's sitting out on the stoop with her dog waiting for me to arrive. I park the car and we go inside. I sit on the couch looking around her place thinking, holy crap, I'm about to say the words... "I'm gay." And before I know it I tell her the words and she said "Who is he?" I said "what? who is who?" And she said, "it always takes someone. There's someone you like and that's the reason you're coming out." I said "no one" but she saw right through me. There was someone, some man I felt a connection with, unlike any other. This man was someone who had over the last year became the best friend I had ever had. I couldn't bear the though of him not being in my life.

So I gave her limited details about this person I had fallen so hard for that I was willing to admit to the world that I was gay. That final tipping point had been reached. He was worth all of the obstacles I would have to endure when I came out to my friends and family. Because, although I wasn't ready to admit to everyone, I had fallen in love with a man.

So she cracked me open a beer and we headed out on the back deck and continued the conversation about how I felt family members would take the revelation. What method would be the best idea to sit my Mom down and explain to her in a way she'd understand and possibly reduce her disappointment she may have. And then she asked if she could call her friend M. M is a girl I've also known for years. She told M that I was gay and out came a story D and M shared on many occasions when they would talk about the sexuality I was but wouldn't admit. They had know for years that I was gay. It was clear to them but not to me. D said even when I was getting married they wondered if I was doing the right thing but could not say anything because everyone has to decide for themselves when to come out or even just admit to themselves that they are gay.

I spoke with M, and she told the story of why she knew I was gay. It had to do with a kleenex. I will share that story at a later point. And she said "you cocksucker" and I said "yup, I guess that name is appropriate now."

I drank a couple of more beers and enjoyed the sun and sounds of the city. But at that time, I also remember feeling a little more complete. I remember there being no effort in trying to be something I wasn't. I was gay and it was okay. The person I was with knew and was completely okay with it and happy for me to have reached that place where I was okay with it too. And in some way it was all because of him.