I'm stalling

The whole legal process involved in the separation has been swift so say the least. From receiving notice from my ex's lawyer to seek counsel within the first month, to me filing for a custody order, and an order to deal with financial issues... it's been a quick year dealing with lawyers.

My ex had wanted to be divorced on the soonest date possible, and that could have been by the end of June. And here it is the end of September and I find myself stalling. I received the latest correspondence from my lawyer, trying to tie up the final straws in a "Consent Corollary Relief Judgement", about two weeks ago. It was like being hit in the face. The thought that the relationship that has lasted more than half my life, would officially be over is terrifying. Part of it is probably related to the fact that I'm having a lot of remorse about coming out (in the sense that my life with my wife was over).

I don't want to be divorced. I don't want my wife to be divorced. I don't want my son to have divorced parents. But one thing I remembered was a point I made to myself when debating whether or not to come out and that was the fact that I had cheated on my wife and didn't want to be a cheater. I didn't want to be that person and I was ashamed of my actions. She deserved better. I'm trying to hold onto that thought now to get me through this final legal step.

I'm a good Dad

I just skimmed some of my past entries, trying to gauge how far I have come in the last year. One thing that I had to work on, and continue to work on is being a good father. And I don't mean it's an ongoing struggle to be a good Dad, like it had been for me last year when I couldn't focus on real life. I mean it's a struggle I will always have, because I never want to stop improving. It's the career I chose to have and one I want to continually improve on.

Today is a great example of my life as a single Dad. I woke up an hour before my son. I had my shower, ironed my work clothes, made a fruit smoothie (after all you are what you eat...), and got my son up and ready. That included getting him dressed, fed, cleaned, teeth brushed and out the door for school. I drove him half an hour from my home to his preschool and waited to speak with his teacher and kissed him goodbye. I then jumped on the highway back to the city to work. Put in a full day and back out of the city to pick up my son from the ex-mother-in-law.

We got in the door, and I set him up with his favorite vintage cartoon, while I made not one but two suppers, because he changed his mind and refused to eat the fish I made him. His eating patterns have been a struggle because he is picky, so I have learned to make a few things if I need to, to ensure he gets a full belly. After supper we read a book, played a game and he pulled every toy out of his toy box. Then when it was bath time, we picked up the toys (without me having to ask for help), I ran his bath and then did dishes while he played in the water (for the record I can see the tub from the kitchen sink). Hair washed, fingernails cut, Q-tips used to clean the ears. Then another couple of episodes of the cartoon and then snuggle time in bed.

I love him. He loves me. His Mom is still currently his favorite, and part of that makes me jealous, but I look at how he is comfortable with me, and plays jokes on me and wants to snuggle and I realize that I'm doing a good job.

Is there room for improvement? Sure... but it's getting better. We have made a lot of great memories this year. From going to many new playgrounds, to beaches, to kayaking, to camping, to Canada's Wonderland, to airplane trips, to farms... we do simple life-enriching things. I am a Dad who will be loved by his son.

When worlds collide

It's a strange thing when you transition from living a double-life to a life as a quasi-openly gay man. I say quasi because most people know or have heard through the grapevine, but it's not something I tell people upon meeting them.


Anyway... like I said, it's a strange thing when you transition from having this part of your life be in your private thoughts and private experiences into being part of your regular life. It hit me in the face a few months ago, when I was hanging out with J. We were having supper after having hit the gym together and we had been playing a bit of a game where we had to share sexual experiences we had had in the past.


The game was titillating and allowed me to realize that the sexual world was wide open for me to experience. So it was J's turn to tell a story and he shares how he once had an experience with two guys he was friends with. They were dating and had a relationship where they welcomed select guys into bed with them to spice things up.


As he's telling the story a smile escapes and he stares right at me. I think initially he thought I was judging him in some way, but instead I ask if one of the guys has a tattoo. I describe the tattoo and the placement and this time he stares at me in silence. Then he's on his iPhone pulling up pics on facebook. Asking me if this was the guy I spoke of... and indeed it was.


Turns out I had met the same couple just last fall and had a similar experience with them. It was late at night. I was living alone. And I was on http://www.gay.com/ looking to see what kind of guys were around on a Saturday night.

Now, before you assume that the guys are maybe a couple of old trolls and I was in a moment of desperation, let me assure you that the guys are both in their twenties, good looking with careers to be proud of. They just happen to add a little new energy to their relationship from time to time, when someone of their taste is available.


So flash forward a few months after that conversation and BAM, I run into J out with the guys, and some other friends and suddenly my two worlds have collided. And now we are on first name basis and the option is there to join them again. Wow... head rush!

Made my bed... now time to get comfy in it?

In the mental process I put myself through, contemplating going back to a married life with my wife, I think of those things that I would probably sacrifice that I have learned to enjoy in my new life. Those things include:

The new friends I have made
The friendship with Him
The life of a single man, who can go out for drinks if friends are going, without considering others feelings or plans
The feeling of fitting in with my peers
My gold stilettos (haha… just making sure you’re still paying attention)
An exciting sex life.

But is there a way we could, with a lot of couples therapy, incorporate most of those things into our marriage?

Surely, she would get along with my new friends if they were just friends. My ex has never really had an issue with any of my friends over the years. Actually, come to think of it, there were a limited number of friends I introduced to our relationship, because I never really had the confidence to make friends… something that seemed to spark when I came out. And Him, well he would be out of the picture obviously.

As for the life of a single man, and the exciting sex life, incorporating those would require a very open mind on her part. There would need to be open conversations on what was acceptable behavior on both of our parts. Could we reach a level of an open-relationship where neither of our feelings could get hurt? Probably an impossible feat.

I would have a long road of finishing things with Him before I could ever approach her about reconciliation but somewhere in my twisted brain all of this could work. I could have the best of both worlds. I could be fully me, and I could be a husband and father.

Is all of this really part of the grieving process or is this me telling myself what will make me happy and I should follow that path?Or what if Him was out of the picture… would my ex and I be able to get back to friendship or even BFF status? I know he is a big issue for her. If he was gone, would that make things better?

Or would all of this just make my ex need more therapy, and hurt her self-esteem, and maybe we would end up in this exact same position again?This is probably a clear case of you made your bed and now you have to sleep in it… but I can’t help but wonder… and in some small way plan it out in my head.

Pros of being gay

So I guess lately a reader might think that I am quite negative about being gay, and personally I think of myself as being a very positive person... I am just getting overwhelmed at times in how much I miss my old life. And for that reason I thought it was important I write a positive entry on coming out and being gay... and what better than a bit of a pro list of coming out...

Pros

• I get to have a sex life that is much improved... since I'm having it with men
• I feel like I can completely be myself
• I have made new friends that support me for who I am
• I have a new sense of independence in that I'm not known as part of a couple, but as an individual
• I have realized that I am appealing to people and that people think I'm a catch
• I have learned who my true friends are
• I have learned my own strength
• Head IS better from a guy... it's not just a myth
• I can go to places and events that were typically only frequented by homos

There's a small list... I'm sure it will continue to grow as I find my bearings more clearly. I will make it through, I just still need to mourn the loss of a relationship that I was involved in for the better part of my life.

I must be completely crazy

I really must be crazy. I am thinking in my head about what would happen if I begged my wife to take me back. To forget the last year and a half. Forget all the distance that came between us. The hurtful things we both said. The damage that has been done to my image of her family for their attempts to keep my son from me, and in some twisted way they were trying to protect their daughter.

And what would she say? Would she really say that she would take me back and we would go back to building a home and family? Would she just be happy to have her best friend back? Would she want to have that second child we had tried for, prior to the world coming crashing down?And what would we say to the rest of the world? I know my family would be okay. My Mom wanted me to find a way to work it out instead of breaking up. My sister would be disappointed because she’d be afraid that she would lose her brother again, but that is manageable. But what would her family say? Would I ever be welcome again to Sunday dinner? And do I really care? Of the whole family, I can say I miss one brother. He was like my own blood and I would do anything for him. We considered ourselves brother and surely he’d be okay with me being back.

And our friends? Well I could look at it like those friend who wrote me off when I came out to my wife… if they are truly our friends they want us to be happy over anything else and would get over it.

I want it all back. Someone needs to walk over to my desk right now and slap me back into the painful reality that those things are forever out of my reach… but that might not even wake me up. Every cell in my body wants my family back, and because of that I’m in this limbo state.

I can’t move forward with Him because I don’t want to. I want to move backward. But if I tell Him how I feel then he will be hurt and any chance that he is the one will be ruined.

A year and a half later and I want to run back into her arms.

Marital problems

I think a year of separation makes you forget some of the struggles you had in your relationship. At least in my case it does. I know we had rough patches but now they don’t seem like there is any way they could have been that bad. Could they have really been so bad that I threw caution to the wind and changed all of our lives?

I’m thinking back right now and here are a few things that come to mind, about struggles that we had when we were the clichéd happily married couple.

Money – the root of a lot of evil for many couples. Our struggle with money was about the little things… the needless spending (in my mind) on things like a daily coffee or trips to the Dollar Store and Walmart for junk we didn’t need.

Mental Stability – I feel like an ass discussing this, but one major struggle that was in our marriage was the depression my wife slipped into prior to us getting married. It was a struggle because it was never something I understood. I assumed that some of her symptoms were selective to an extent and that she just didn’t want to interact publicly as much, or want to work outside of the home.

I didn’t understand why someone could let themselves go. Why health went on the back burner, including weight. Why she allowed herself to be medicated instead of seeking alternate ways to get through the slump I assumed she was in. I would ask why she was depressed and never got a straight answer. I asked if she asked about other things she should do, like more exercise, more or less naps, meditation, reading, anything other than just taking tiny pills and never getting better.

And here we are at least six years later and she is still on the same medication, if not more. There are new doctors who have made some bold statements but have not been able to help her get off the medication. A medication which, when I spoke about it with a pharmacist, I was told no one should be on for the long term.

An issue I also had with the depression and resulting, regular therapy sessions was the fact that I never was told what was causing her the depression. In our last six months together I gave up trying to find out. I stopped asking her what else we could do together to help her feel better.

I still don’t understand depression. And I feel bad for discounting it over the years; it’s a regret I will always have.

Maintaining a home – Another issue I had with our relationship was the uneven burden of maintaining our home. The endless hours I spent cleaning, while she read books or was out with friends, or watching re-runs on tv. I know part of that is related to the depression noted above, but I believe part of it was that I did so much, so she knew it would get done whether she did it or not. This is an issue she admitted to and at times did make attempts to balance out the burden, but it is something I did because it needed to be done, just like my Mom did for all of those years of her marriage.

I will admit, I had my faults too, but these were my three main struggles that I couldn’t always get past. These are the fights I would rather be having now, than feeling like none of us will ever be as happy as we once were.

I am a loser who threw our lives upside down. Someone who probably caused a lot more therapy sessions and prescriptions. Someone who hurt someone so deeply she will never really forgive me.

I’d give anything to wake up from this dream.

Did I make the biggest mistake of my life?

I’m sitting at work and had an overwhelming feeling that I have done just that. It feels like nausea, panic and sadness all in one wave of emotion. I seem to get this wave more often lately.

It started with realizations that my life is forever changed, at random times. Sometimes it would be in the shower, or in bed just as I was fading into sleep. Those thoughts where I would tell myself that this wasn’t a phase in my relationship with my wife. That in fact we would never have a home together again. We wouldn’t grow old together. We won’t have any more children. We wouldn’t travel to those dream destinations as a family.

I have had those thoughts since the day I noticed my wife dropped papers by the front door of our home, from her lawyer, stating I had better seek counsel. I didn’t know that she had even placed it there, but I saw this envelope addressed to me as I closed the door and my heart sunk. This was happening.

I think my coping mechanisms kicked in about that time and numbed me a bit. I went into a zone where certain periods of time I could control my emotion and turn stone-faced. These periods would often be when I had to deal face-to-face with my wife. I would somehow control the muscles in my face to not show any sadness or hurt. It was something she would point out to me, but she reacted to it by assuming that I didn’t care.

I think that mechanism is relaxing and allowing the rest of reality set in. The part where I am slowly realizing that this is my new reality and how discontent I am with it.

Perhaps this is why I haven’t cared so much for Him lately. That I could easily shut that relationship off because I’m not as fulfilled as I was with my wife. That even though a part of me was missing a lot of my life was full. I had a routine and a partner to share every thought with. Someone I could trust. Someone who knew my family and allowed me to be part of theirs, one I wanted to be a part of. Someone who shared the same dreams as I did for a family and home. And what he wants is so different. From where he wants to live, to his thoughts on children and the constant turmoil his family seems to be in.

I spent the morning with my ex and my son yesterday. It was an abnormal occurrence and one that had me fighting tears at most points, and constantly having my emotions barely held back. It was very normal, in the sense that we both were conscious of what we talked about, none of which was related to the split-up. We were together for one of my son’s sporting practices, and it almost felt right.

I wanted to email her today and tell her how nice it was to spend the time with both of them, but I’m afraid of the emotion it may unleash on her at work. I have a heavy heart right now.

I wonder why our marriage couldn’t work with me being gay. I mean, I know the obvious parts, but I’m brought back to the pride parade in the city this year, where there was a young couple walking through the streets and the female held a placard that read “I love my transgender husband.” What is it in our culture that requires that a hetro woman and hetro man be married for it to be considered acceptable? Sure there are groups of individuals in our society who feel that two homos can marry, but I think the majority still view it as unacceptable. I wonder how long it will be that marriage can be a commitment between two people to love and care for each other, with no other stipulations.

I think if I lived further in the future I would have been able to stay married. That I would have been able to explain to my wife the part of me that was missing and find a way to incorporate it into our lives in a natural way.

She was my best friend. Someone I loved to live life with and because I exposed a part of myself I had to give all of those years of my past, and all the years I had planned for the future up.
And I know the journey for her is even harder mentally. I am not trying to discount that. I just really want it all back. That picture perfect life is hard to give up

Just a quick thought on my drive to work

So this year, I started a new job and with that new job came new working hours. Hours that allow me to drop my son off at preschool on those days I am fortunate enough to have him in the morning.

We talk the whole drive to his school about what he might do that day, and if he made any new friends, etc. on his first day of class. I get to the doors and walk with the other parents, find his name tag and wait in line to sign him in and inform them who will be picking him up at the end of the day. I also get a chance to talk to his teacher and she comments on how outgoing he was on his first day, which is light years ahead of last year.

I am loving the fact that this year I will have a more active roll in my son's school. That I can have the interaction and get newsletters, etc. Last year I had to ask every month if there was anything new and usually got no for an answer, and it wasn't until May that I finally saw a book order. Not this year. I will be the one who can ask the school directly and attain the information first hand. Instead of it filtered through my ex-mother-in-law and then ex-wife.

And as if all of that wasn't a gift in itself, I realized on the drive to work that that is at least one less day a week I have to see the mother-in-law's haggard face. Yahoo!!!

Wishlist... custody

A few things I wish that I had been more diligent about or didn't give up on during the drafting of the court order for access/custody of my son...

I wish I had not settled for less than 50%. From the day she moved out of the house and took my son with her, I told her I would not settle for less than 50% of his time. Part of that thought could be looked at as me being selfish, but my goal was for him to have maximum time with each qualified, active and loving parent. We were both good parents. He benefited from interacting with each of us, why wouldn't 50/50 work?

For those Dads like me, who ache for their children when they are not around, a 50/50 arrangement can work. I drive an extra hour every trip to get him or drop him off before and after work and it's all worth it. My best days are the ones I have him with me.

I had also sought the advice of a child psychologist before filing for court to see what was best for my son, given the relationship he had had with both parents when we were married and she said to stay as close to his normal routine as possible, which would be 50/50. It fell on deaf ears with my ex. I offered for her to go talk to the psychologist too and she refused. I did what I saw best for him.

I ended up settling for taking 3 of every 7 days. That's pretty close to 50/50 but still thrown in my face whenever the opportunity arises. In fact today she said that she still thinks he should be in one bed every night. Even though it's not realistic, she feels that would be more beneficial than the arrangement we have now.

I also wish that I had stipulated that I not be the only one to drop him off. That was thrown in my face yesterday.

I agreed to that because I felt that it was not a point worthy of arguing over, because I will do anything for my son. I would pick him up at the north pole if she got re-married to Santa Claus, because I love the time with him.

Sure it's inconvenient, and I had to face her hateful family during transition times, but I made a point to not be intimidated. I have always removed my sunglasses and looked them in the eye. Why? Because my son should not be forced to endure adults being childless. Unfortunately, her family cannot see things the same way. Here it is a year and a half later and I still can't get a hello, or a comment about his day. NOTHING. And not that I care to talk, but I think for my son, it would show a healthy relationship that people can have because he is that important in all of our lives.

I also wish that I had made sure that it was clearly written in stone that I get one full week with him every year, at my choosing for vacations. I had to beg to have what ended up being less than a week for him to spend with my Mother in the country. And even then, I had to sacrifice other days of my regular schedule to get her to agree. Or the five days I took him to visit my Sister out of province. It was like pulling teeth. But did I put up a fight when she wanted to take him out of the country for the second year in a row for a full week? No. In fact I handed her spending money, so he could buy a few tourist items to remember the trip with her family.

And one of the last things, I wish I had been more diligent about, was a thing called the right of first refusal. I spoke with my lawyer about it, and thought that we had included it, but it probably got lost in the million revisions my ex's douche of a lawyer requested. It is where there's an instance where it's technically my ex's time, but she is not able to be with my son, for whatever reason... be it a work commitment or a date or whatever else she might get up to in the future and I have the right to have him for that period of time, over him being with a babysitter or some other caregiver. And I have the right to refuse it before he is given to any caregiver, but I doubt I ever would.

So there's my wishlist. Things to think about while you are fighting for the right to see your children. I have said it before, if you are ever in my situation, get a good lawyer.

I think the spam about beasteality is more heart-warming than my ex's email.

Here is an email I received from the ex. The only things I have changed is I removed my son's name. The pain felt is obvious and apparently I will deal with stuff like this for many years to come as new triggers are brought to the surface....

I’m sending this to your hotmail account, because I don’t want to upset you at work. But at the same time after all that has gone on in this least 1.5 years, I think I have the right to get some things off my chest.

It KILLS me that you are camping this weekend with [our son] without me. That is something that we had always talked about doing as a family…and you ruined that. You have squashed a lot of my dreams and plans that even now, a year and a half later, new things come up and I’m just as hurt as I was in June 2008. I can’t say you ruined my life, because this would only ruin my life if I allowed that to happen…and I refuse to let that happen. What I am saying is that you took away the future I was looking forward to. The future that WE always dreamed of and the future I deserved to have. Now my future is unknown. I know it will be great, because [our son] and I will make it great, but it’s not what we had planned for 12 years.

I still think that you have NO idea what you have done to me, what I’ve been through and how I hurt. I think you need to know. I think the tears I’ve cried and continue to cry as we speak could fill the ocean. And that is NOT fair! It’s not what I deserved when I married you and we promised to be together forever. I still don’t know why you did it. When you said those words at the wedding did you not think that it was wrong considering all things? When you decided to pretend your way through that life, did you not think about what it could possibly do to the one you “loved” and your future children? I just now think that I was USED so you could TRY the “normal” life. You got the child that you always wanted... So I guess you got what you wanted and you’ll move on and have a life. Good for you.

You have no idea what you’ve put me through!

I'd sign the divorce papers today... no hesitation

It's days like today where she can provoke so much anger in me. The last year and couple of months for her have been about winning. It has not been about doing what is right for our son, or doing what is right ethically, it's been about winning some secret contest she feels we are in.

This last week I have had my family in town, staying with me. They arrived Tuesday and Wednesday, and since "my weekend" does not start until Friday I thought I had better not ask for any extra time. I didn't think it was worth any challenging conversation.

Since I was off all day Friday, I had my son early in the morning and we went camping for the weekend. Normally, my ex would get him back at supper time on Sunday. She asked if she could have him all afternoon Sunday for the celebration of an older family member's birthday, then I could have him back for supper and half of today, since it's a holiday. I agreed, because my stance has ALWAYS been that William should not miss out on family events.

I text messaged her this morning, her favorite method to deal with things, instead of talking, and got no response. I had asked if she had plans or if there was some flexibility so he could have lunch with my family, rather than drop him off at noon. I get no response. So shortly after 11:30 I call her phone and get no answer. I leave a message asking her if he can stay for lunch and I would drop him back.

Finally, she calls back and attacks me for asking for more time. She's gone all weekend without him and now I'm asking for more time when she has plans for them. I say okay then, come get him and point out the fact that I'm always flexible with her and do things so he doesn't miss out on family events. Of course she won't acknowledge the facts and continues to try and make me feel bad for even asking. And she points out that the court papers on custody point out that I am dropping him off.

I don't have the energy and say I'll take him back but she finally says she's on her way and I let her go before it can get any worse. I choke back my tears and start to change him and brush his teeth so he'll be ready.

I really can't believe what just happened. I can't believe how much I wanted to yell and make her see my points, but what good does it do? None.

And now he's gone. He's with his Mom and is surely feeling her love while I'm here fighting tears and not wanting to interact with the family I don't see often enough.

And all this happens after I get a heated email from her about the fact I was taking him camping. I will post that in another post, along with my response.

So much hate directed at me. I guess to a degree she is justified, but when she's trying to get her way, over her son's life being enriched, I don't agree with it. If there were divorce papers in front of me right now, I'd sign it all away.

Being the bigger person.

So often in conversations between Him and me, I get a lot of flack for trying to be the bigger person with my Ex. Today is a prime example. There is an event coming up that involves our son being showcased. The event requires tickets and those tickets are in high demand.

Trying to be a good father, and friend to my ex, I offer to pick up a ticket for her and she can pay me back. She doesn’t really thank me for the offer but asks that I pick up two tickets so that she can take someone with her. Now I don’t need recognition from her to say I’m doing the right thing because I am doing it for my boy. The child who deserves both of his parents to be full participants in his life and feel all the attention and love he deserves.

Due to technical difficulties and my work schedule, I am unable to get the tickets as soon as they go on sale. I speak with Him about it and explain my fear that the tickets will be sold out and we won’t have the chance to go. He offers to run to a location that will undoubtedly be able to sell tickets. In that conversation I thank him and ask him to pick up six tickets. Two of said tickets are for my ex and someone else of her choosing.

Now, on a side note, I should point out that during an event at my son’s school I showed up just as the event was about to start and after getting a text from my ex about whether I was there yet or not, I enter the building and look for my ex. Every other event at the school we have sat together as a united front for our son, even when we could barely talk to each other. We put smiles on and dealt with it. This event, the last of the school year, I walk into the room full of adults to see that my ex, her mother, and some random cousins and aunts and uncles were all sitting in the front row and not an empty seat left for me. It crushed me, not so much because of the fact that I was no longer a member of her family – which does hurt, but because my son would see her and her mother in the front row and he might not see me standing to the side of the room proudly taking pictures and hoping for a smile or wave. Finally after standing by myself and trying to hide the emotion of it all, a former high school friend of my ex-wife waved me over and offered me a seat next to her near the back of the room.

Anyway, back to today’s event’s… I have had some email exchanges with my ex confirming that I had been able to get her two tickets. She asked the price and time and I didn’t know, because I hadn’t been successful in my attempts to purchase them myself. I immediately text Him to find out. I don’t want to tell her who bought them, because it might hurt her, but I end up telling her I had someone else pick them up due to my difficulties.

Finally about an hour later I get a call from Him. He doesn’t know details, he just paid and threw them in the car. He then goes on to ask why I had offered to pick up her tickets, because remember the time at his school when there wasn’t a seat saved for you? And you had to go by yourself? Remember that? And why do I have to be so nice to her, she’s capable of picking up tickets and if she couldn’t get them, then too bad.
I shoot back that someone has to be the bigger person. Someone has to make things for our son easier and it’s me. That I’m the one that may be up against a wall, but I will do whatever I need to make sure that life is easier for my son. And that he needs both of his parents to be fully involved.

He doesn’t understand, and I am okay with it to a point, because I wanted him to remind me of how much she hurt me too (when I was in my darkest days). But why is everyone so petty?
Don’t get me wrong, I am stubborn, one of the traits I clearly got from my father, but for me the world revolves around my son and sometimes I have to be the one to shield him for the bitter world that revolves around him.

I think that I got my point across to Him. He backed down a bit and he does have a valid point to a degree, but this is my life, and this is my son’s life. If it can be easier in any way I am willing to try.