Kicking my own ass

I'm kicking myself for being pulled back into the relationship. It's not horrible and we are not fighting or anything, but I think I'm over it. I find myself liking the friend part of the relationship, but don't want to cuddle, or really to steam things up.

I have tried going thru the motions and you know... things physically work. But do I feel the spark anymore? No. I have really realized it this time but what do I do? I'm afraid to make any move for a couple of reasons. I don't want to hurt such a great guy and I'm afraid I will regret it.

But I have to remind myself that I made a huge change in my life when I came out to my wife. I did it under the belief that life is too short to be unhappy and not take chances... but here I am again.

I know it's almost Chirstmas and I'm not going to ruin it for him, but I have to really do some soul searching. I need to really make myself realize that I deserve to be completely happy and not just content, just for the sake of someone else. And I know he feels my lack of desire to be in it, but he's too afraid to open that box.

Please... if any of you readers have any advice... good or bad... please share it my way.

Since the breakup

Time to update I guess.

I did break up with Him and did pretty well sticking to my guns. I continued to be his friend and when there were times he wanted to have me sleep over I kept my distance. He went through the highs and lows; the sadness and anger.

I told him that I still loved him but we were in too much an unhealthy place to be together. That of course those dreams of the future I had had too but they didn’t seem realistic when there was no trust in a relationship; that I certainly couldn’t live that way and he shouldn’t want to either.

We had periods of time where we didn’t speak. Times when he fled the city to be distracted by new things, and times when he fled for the comfort of home. All things I respect, but I think he should have taken more time to be completely cut off. To not keep such close contact so he could really heal, but I feared telling him that would make him think that I didn’t want to hear from him again. Just to really clear his head, and maybe take a third-person look at where we were.

Fast forward to over a month later and we have a long talk about things. And much to my own disappointment I agree that we can start and rebuild. I tell him things are not going to be the same and we are not jumping right back in, but will start fresh to some extent. And I say disappointment because I wanted time to really be single and see if that time alone would allow me real time to heal myself from the life I want back.

I don’t know that I should have agreed with his pleading. And we haven’t really made any huge moves yet, other than hanging out with friends and maybe one quick hot experience in the bedroom. I think maybe the holidays were playing some role and his sadness during the season. I wish I was stronger but I don’t want to be a cold-hearted prick either. I don’t want to completely push someone away that might be the best thing for me. Cause I did that with my wife.

This past weekend I went to a Christmas party hosted by a gay couple that I met over the year. He wanted to go with me, but I said that I had RSVP’d that I was coming alone and it was too short notice to tell them different. I wanted to go alone. I wanted to be seen as just me and not part of a couple. I wanted to make my own friends and not be tied to that one person in the corner because I didn’t want to make them insecure. I had a blast. I drank way too much, and flirted and made some new friends and was just “one of the guys”. It was exactly what I needed. Did it make Him happy? No. But it gave me a glimpse of a life I think is just around the corner; one where I am independent and single and okay with it.

We’ll see what time brings. I am not having any expectations. I’m not fully putting my life and future in his hands. I made that mistake before and it’s not who I truly would be happy being.

A few steps ahead?

So we pretty much broke up two weeks ago now. We have hung out a few times and for a while were still talking on the phone a normal amount. But last weekend was when things kind of became reality. I had my son for the weekend, so normally we would have spent more time apart, but at the end of the weekend we had an in-depth discussion.

It was triggered by the fact that, again, I was not willing to stay over night. I don’t know why he expected me. I guess maybe it was more hope than expectation, but either way it brought on a long conversation about things.

He realizes my hurt and inability to trust. He professed his love and defended himself. He pointed at my indiscretions over the year. Pretty much any event that either of us did that hurt the relationship had been brought up by one of us; all things that neither of us felt good about.

By the end I think he realized that we had reached a place where being apart made sense, even if our hearts did not agree. I told him that I wasn’t totally writing us off, in the future, but that I couldn’t be in the relationship right now. He needs me to be as affectionate and open as I had been in the past and the way I feel right now, it’s just not a possibility.

I went home and went to bed. Sleep came okay but it wasn’t restful. I didn’t ask specifically, but I know when he has something emotional going on, sleep does not come for him. The next few days were mainly just meaningless text messages.

And then I emailed him to let him know that I was not heartless and I worried about him, but also made it clear that I didn’t want to give false hope, and that one day I would probably come to regret calling things to an end.

I got a long response, filled with feelings and understanding. One that he had put a lot of thought to and it makes me remember the good times, but strangely it’s not like a part of me is missing. I have rough times, and have been on the brink of tears at times, but I don’t miss everything as much as I expected.

I think I’m enjoying my time alone, a bit. It is giving me some time to do things around the house that I was putting off, and going to a fitness class I love but didn’t have as much time for.

I feel guilty that he is so broken-hearted and I’m doing okay. I wonder if it’s because I have been preparing myself, to some degree, to leave the relationship and he hasn’t. Maybe I’m just a few steps ahead on the path.

Mid-week

So it's mid-week and we have talked a few times, very superficially. Nothing of value in deciding future. That is partly my doing, as I have indicated that I need time to think.

Tonight, I'm sitting at home, while he is out to a movie with a friend. He asked me to go, but I have another commitment, but asked if he could stop in to say hello afterwards. I agreed. I do really miss him, but not as much as I would have expected. In my head, I know we are probably just friends at this point, but after the roller coaster of life with my ex, I find it hard to think about turning it off, and potentially regretting it for the rest of my life.

If I end up maintaining the breakup I want Him to know it's not about me wanting to pursue other men, or sleep around, or anything. It's about me healing. I haven't had the time to get over my marriage. I haven't lived as a single man, in a bed alone at night. I haven't had those lonely nights of just me. And because of his actions with his ex, I have grown to some degree to resent him, which isn't healthy.

I'm trying to convince myself that this breakup could work and that we can get back together in the future when we're in a better place separately. I'm afraid to make a choice, because I don't want to fuck up, but the way things have felt for a while, have made me unhappy in the relationship.

I think at this point, it's all about delivery. If only I was an expert in communications.

If he tries tonight to talk, I am going to put him off. I can't do this tonight. Not that there is a perfect time, but I need to get through my work week. I can't have added emotion and side-track at work.

Damn you Avril Lavigne

When you’re gone… that song by Avril Lavigne about missing someone you love and how your world is incomplete without that person is on Virgin Radio right now. Those lyrics tear at my soul. I remember hearing that song when I was married and things were good. I remember thinking how sad the song was and how true those words can be. And then the video takes it to the next level. It really portrays the words quite beautifully. And the scene where an older gentleman is missing his deceased wife… too much!

Anyway, hearing that song and listening to the words makes me realize how desperately I miss my wife. Having her in my life daily. Laughing with her. Seeing her interaction with my son and not feeling like she is the competition. Protecting her. The plans we had for the future.

A lot of hateful actions were taken against me. A lot of words were exchanged but all of that is overshadowed by the many years of great memories.

Had I simply came out to my wife and we had the clarity of mind to not react at the time, I wonder if we would have found a way to make things work for us as a family unit. And even now a year and a half later I wonder if she would take me back and we could find a way together. In 2009 is there really any “normal” family? Can’t we make up our own rules?

The two things holding me back from sharing these feeling with her are:

1. I don’t want to cause her to regress. I don’t want her to slip into a depression and loose any strength she has developed since the separation.
2. Has the damage done to my relationship with my ex-in-laws too much to get over?

And in a strange fateful event, while typing this post I get an email from my lawyer; someone I haven’t heard from in almost three weeks. It’s a letter from my ex’s lawyer dealing with child support yet again. An issue I tried to resolve last November by offering her the customary amount for a shared parenting plan, but has been ongoing off and on since. It’s a letter I can probably agree with, but after hearing that song I realize how close to divorce I am now. I think by my agreeing to this latest arrangement we could sign off on the divorce within days (in an ideal system). I am not sure I am ready for that.

Talk is cheap

So for the duration of the work week I spent the evenings with my son, as is generally the case and continued to talk to Him on a fairly regular basis. My tone muted, so that he would know that I was still upset and no where near, over the incident. He worked Friday evening and I took the opportunity to take in some yoga in order to calm my mind a bit and get some much needed exercise.

After yoga, and of course a shower, in a room full of university males, I head out to my car and notice a missed call from Him. I call him and he asks if I want to join him and a couple of female friends for something to eat at a local hotel. I agree, drop my stuff off in my car and head up the road to meet them.

I sit down in the booth and glance over the menu trying to decide what to have that isn’t that bad for me, given the fact that I just tried to improve my health for the last hour. I settle on something non-deep-fried and probably not overly bad for me and order a drink. I sit in the company of others enjoying some new conversation and wonder how much further into the night the one-on-one conversation with Him will take.

After we eat and finish our drinks we all head out. The girls take off and he sits down on a couch in the lobby. He asks if I’m going to head back to his place. I say no. We have a drawn out conversation about what happened. To me, his response to the whole situation was that I was over-reacting. That it was a non-issue, feelings are not there, and that he planned on telling me the whole time. I tell him that I am not putting up with being disrespected anymore. I have allowed him to f-up a few times in the last year and I cannot do it anymore. That I deserve better and need to protect myself. It goes back and forth with him attempting to give me an ultimatum that I make a decision by the time we leave or else.

The conversation soon spills into the street, as I decide that I am going home. That nothing is going to get accomplished and that I am not going to his place to spend the night. I also point out, that so far in the conversation, I am the only one who has shed a tear and that I cannot let myself go back into that situation feeling the way I do now. That things are not necessarily over for good, but I have to figure out what will make me feel better. Finally after freezing my ass off, and him breaking down, we go our separate ways. He acknowledges my hurt and tell me he doesn’t need an answer right away. I go home, get ready for bed, touch base with him to let him know I’m home safe, and make sure he’s okay and I crash.

Saturday he works all day. I run some errands, get some more exercise and we touch base occasionally. The old me would have stopped in to visit him and possibly brought him a warm meal, but I have to stand my ground. I cannot cave yet, without really thinking through what the future needs to look like for me to be happy. That night, when he is done work we talk, but avoid the subject of our status. I think he probably wants to hang out but I don’t bite and I end up getting a good 11 hours of sleep.

During that sleep I have a dream that wakes me during the night. It’s about him and his ex; we are all at a party and I’m falling asleep sitting on a couch and between lazy blinks I realize how close they are sitting together and how much closer they seem each time my eyes open. I am conscious of my thoughts and my feelings, even though I am dreaming and wake myself up before it goes to any place I fear it is going. I lay away disturbed by the dream and what I am telling myself.

And yesterday, we ended up dancing around a bit but ended up spending the better part of the day together. Things were awkward at times and conversation at times halted, with neither of us sure we had anything to talk about. Then after I had him drop me off last night we have a phone call. He wants to know what’s going on. How we can spend a whole day together and act like nothing is wrong, but we’re just friends.

I tell him, I don’t want to hurt him and if he needs to not be around me, then that is fine. That I don’t know what I am doing, but he wanted to hangout, and I did too. That I am still confused and hurt. He gets angry with me and we have some heated words defending ourselves. Nothing gets resolved because I still need to sort through things.

And it’s now almost noon and I have not heard from him. It’s completely out of character, but I figure he is trying to make a point and to some degree it is being made. I do miss him. And I do love him. But I’m strong enough to stand up and say I am not going to take inappropriate actions lying down. I have sacrificed some friendships to make him feel better and he cannot even respect me enough to keep a promise to me, to not see his ex without me being present. I don’t think I’m unreasonable. I need time. And if it works out that we get back together, the relationship needs to start on a new foot with us standing as equals. We both have to fully commit to something or there is no point.

Anyone out there have any opinions or advice??

All the single ladies...

Okay, so Wednesday I am at work and Him has the day off. Not something out of the ordinary, given his line of work. There is nothing out of the ordinary going on in my head. I am not paranoid about anything, I’m just enjoying my work day as best I can. Then I decide to take lunch early. There was an obvious point in my work load so I took lunch around noon.

Him had lunch with an ex-girlfriend. The last girlfriend he ever had actually. And on my way back to work I called him to let him know I was heading back and he mentioned that he was sad he missed me because he had planned on stopping by to see me. No big deal for either of us.

I go back to work not really thinking about it and around 3pm I try calling his cell phone. I’m not sure if I touched on this before but he leaves his phone on vibrate and is selective of calls he takes anyway (but not mine). Well I don’t get an answer. This came up before when he was out for a walk and it annoys the hell out of me. If you are going to carry a cell phone and pay a ridiculous monthly fee answer the f’in thing. I try a few more times and then my mind begins to race.

I realize that he is, no doubt, visiting his ex-bf and is choosing not to answer my call. I try his home number in case he went home and I’m over-reacting. Finally, about an hour later I get a hold of him. I ask what he’s been up to and he says a walk. I tell him I have called numerous times and he said he didn’t feel it vibrate. Queue rising blood pressure. I ask how long he’s been walking he says… um an hour or so. I say… did you talk to Ex-BF? He says… yeah. I say… oh. Then my boldness takes over. I say… did you see Ex-BF? He say… um, yeah I stopped in. I say… okay, I gotta run. He asks… can I pick something up for supper for you and your son? I say… nope, I want anything; don’t worry about us. And I hang up.

I then get an onslaught of text messages ranging from I’m sorry, to you can call and ask him we were just talking, to he means nothing to me, to I love you, I messed up… all the texts you expect to hear. I reply occasionally, acknowledging them and telling him I am busy at work.

On the way to pick up my son, I call him. He acts like nothing happened. I go along with it for a while and then I say… so that thing that happened today needs to be dealt with and I’m not doing this anymore. I have been disrespected for the last time. I am done. I tell him I can’t talk about it tonight because I have my son, but we’re done.

Then the evening progresses with more texts saying how he made a huge mistake and will regret it forever, blah blah blah. I have heard the I’m sorry before. I have had the promises not to see him without me and those promises have been broken a few times. So I’m done.

It’s been a couple of days and since I have had my son, we haven’t had a chance to talk about it, so no doubt it will happen tonight. I plan on sticking to my guns. I will be his friend, and we can remain close, but I need time to myself. I need to regroup. I need to focus and really, I need to heal.

Beyonce says it best… shoulda put a ring on it… in this case it means… he should have respected me and kept a promise.

Don't want to cry

I am inching closer to contacting my therapist. It seems the last week has found me more emotional than I have been in a long time. I have been home sick for a few days, which may play a part. Being alone in a house gives you lots of time to think.

That paired with Hallowe'en, and therefore spending time with some of my ex-family members, and spending some time with the wife on Sunday at a sporting event, followed by lunch. Oh, and let's not forget that Christmas is around the corner and on my mind.

I have been fighting back tears. Even last night at the movie theatre, I was watching Law Abiding Citizen and found myself drawn into what I would do in that situation. Oh wait, she's not really my wife...

I also wore my ring on Friday, not realizing that I still had it on when I picked up my son. It's funny how you aren't aware it's on, and then BAM, you are talking to the ex-wife-to-be and you realize it's on and fear that the sun is glaring in her eye from the reflection of metal on your ring finger. She didn't say anything, so I assume it wasn't as obvious as I feared.

I don't want to cry. I don't want to slip into depression. But I am having a lot of trouble moving forward and not thinking I made the biggest mistake in my life... in giving up my marriage before my son was fully grown. I think I need a session to gain some insight into why I am feeling what I am feeling and have some tools to move forward.

Think it's time to re-group

So for over a year now I feel like I have been running non-stop. From bed to work. From work to his place or from work to get my son, back home and jam pack our time together. Then up early to run my son back to school, or the mother-in-law's to be babysat then back to work. And I threw in the gym. It's been non-stop.

That has left me neglecting, at times, my own housework, homework, my health and even to some degree my sanity. I have realized this point on a few occasions but felt like I had to keep up the marathon to get my life to some sort of point of contentment. But I am slowly realizing that I need to slow down.

Traffic congestion in this city may have something to do with it, paired with the change in my employement area in the city, that took place in the summer. Our city is under some major construction that requires I commute for the better part of an hour in the morning from his place to my place to start my day. A commute that should take 10-15 minutes. It is of course giving me an hour less sleep and putting me on edge to some degree.

Yesterday, it came to a bit of a head. There was no explosion and he has no idea where my thinking is right now, but I looked around my house yesterday and realized it has to change. I have always been someone who hated clutter and likes a clean kitchen. I got home yesterday from yoga and I had dirty dishes from Thursday sitting in the sink, iron and ironing board out from Thursday, beds unmade, laundry piled up, groceries not restocked. I think I was in my home for all of three hours all weekend. And my thought was I have my son tomorrow night and I don't want him to think his Dad's place is always a wreck.

I quickly did the dishes and tidied up a bit before showering and heading for supper at a friend's place. This morning I cleaned a bit more and told myself I would run home at lunch and throw some laundry in and make beds. So when we get home this evening it will be a liveable home.

I also need to talk to Him and tell him that I am going to start staying home more often. I need to focus on my course work and get more sleep. I know his reaction will be that he will want to have sleep-overs at my house, but I am going to have to veto that decision.

I have to veto it because I am realizing that he is more needy than normal also, which is unattractive to some degree. The more you push yourself on me the less I want it. It's one thing to snuggle and be close and it's another to smother me. I need a bit of breathing room and I think maybe we'll be able to get back on track (I have kind of frozen in time and am not letting any feelings progress in any direction). I am sure his reaction will be to jump to conclusions that I want out, but I really, at this point just need to re-group. Get my priorities in line. Get my home and mind organized and decluttered.

Slap in the face

So I went to pick up my son yesterday from the in-law's place, as is the regular routine that we are on. The initial transition was nothing out of the ordinary, but as I am walking with my son, hand-in-hand, I notice the car of my father-in-law pull up. We have had one incident before that comes to mind, so seeing him is never something I look forward to.

As I am walking to the car I notice he is not alone in the car. Since one of the brother-in-laws' truck is in the yard I soon realize that it is him. I usually get silent attitude from him and since I have known him since he was a child, I have learned to ignore him. He's the type of guy who you don't even talk to until noon because he is so cranky in the mornings.

But then I notice a third occupant getting out of the car. It's another of the brother-in-laws. And I felt like I was slapped in the face. Panic. I continue to speak with my son and get him into his car seat, without letting myself be visibly effected. The panic is not out of fear or even the slightest thought of any confrontation. It stems from the fact that he was the one I was closest to in the family, other than my wife. We were close friends and shared a lot of intimate feelings with each other, about topics including other's perception of homosexuality towards us. He is someone I rarely see because he lives out of province but within the last few weeks he has deleted me off facebook. I know that it's facebook and really isn't worth much of anything, but he was the only one to keep me on his friends list, and we had exchanged an email about respect and missing each other back when everything came to pass. I had no idea what prompted me to be deleted but it happened and seeing him made me fear his reaction. Was he going to ignore me? Would he give me a look of disgust? Or would he acknowledge me like nothing has changed?

I was in the car, waiting to back out of the driveway once they passed (for safety sake). First one brother-in-law, who didn't even turn his head to look into my car. Then the second came. I pointed him out to my son, because he is his favorite uncle and the brother-in-law looked into the car, straight at me and gave a wave and a muted half-smile. He kept walking into the house and then the father-in-law passed and I was free to go.

I backed out of the driveway and as I drove out of the subdivision I became aware of the physical pain you get when you're really upset. And tears welled up in my eyes. I miss him desperately and part of me thinks from his acknowledgement, he misses me too.

When it came down to things over the years of knowing him from a young teenager to now, we have become true brothers and that bond is still there, even if it is not appropriate for us to share that relationship anymore.

My mind is racing...

So it's after midnight on Sunday night. Normally, I would be fast asleep, but tonight I sit alone in my room watching a movie and it's one of those disaster movies where it's potentially the end of the world. And it gets me to thinking about what I would feel in that same situation.

Here is a coles notes version and what I think it might mean:

If it was going to be the end of the world, I would do whatever it takes to get to my son and ex-wife... whatever it takes and whatever I would have to endure. Even if it meant spending my last days in the company of only my in-laws. Both my son and ex-wife mean that much to me.

I have also thought about what I think people don't understand about my choice to come out. It is not that I stopped loving my wife. I DIDN'T. I still love her!!! And I love her more than most of my "straight" friends and family love their spouses. And then people might say, well you are not in love with her, but YES I AM. I am in love with everything that she is. I can't say there aren't things I would change about her, because we all have flaws... but I love her! The issue is that I am physically attracted to men. DOES NOT MEAN I CANNOT LOVE A WOMAN!!! DOESN'T!!

The movie also makes me wonder if I could ever find that connection with anyone ever again. I know I can love someone, and I can learn to settle (I think I can settle anyway) but I don't know if I would ever have that feeling I have for her for anyone else.

And finally, the movie makes me think... FUCK YOU IDIOT... You need to make it work somehow with her. You need to raise your son with her with both of you in his everyday life making memories and that home as one cohesive family.

In the big scheme of life I think I fucked up.

Is this a sign?

Is it a sign that the relationship should end when you prefer to jerk off alone to porn, as opposed to being sexually active with your boyfriend?

And he's brought the issue up on a few occasions. He is taking it personally, which I don't feel he should do, because there is nothing wrong with him. Maybe I want more excitement.

Or maybe it's true what they say about gay adolescence... that when you come out you need to go through a stage of being single to sew your wild oates...

Well needless to say, I am off to gaytube.com, or dudevu.com, or xtube.com ...

I'm just a passenger

I was on the treadmill tonight at the gym and on the tv in front of me was an entertainment show called The Insider. On that show was a debate over Jon Gosselin and his decision to halt production of Jon and Kate Plus 8. I ran while focused on the show and was thinking about the parallels between their separation and my own separation.

I have never been someone who has watched the show. I was aware it was on, and had caught clips and thought that Kate was a bitch, but didn't put more thought into it until the episode came out where they announced their separation. Like many people I was drawn in. But I wasn't drawn in for the train-wreck, so much as I was drawn in to watch the raw emotion of both the husband and wife on this show.

Strangely, I think the show actually gave me some insight on what my wife may have been thinking or feeling. And I was sad for them. It is hard enough to go through a separation and have your family and friends learn about it, but to have the whole western world know your business is hard to comprehend.

Then I thought about a movie called The Truman Show. How the whole world that Truman knows has been created and is orchestrated for his experience. And that is how I felt today on the treadmill. I felt like I'm watching this separation in order for me to see what not to do and to keep myself focused on being a good Dad and make sure that public (or in my case family and friends) prospective of me is always in the positive light.

There are definitely times, throughout my life, where I feel like my life happens to me and I don't truly have control. Even that day I told my wife I was gay, I don't know that I had control over my actions or my voice. I heard the words come from my mouth but don't know that my brain knew what it was doing.

Life is strange. Everything will be okay but right now it's a bumpy ride I don't know how to get off of.

I'm stalling

The whole legal process involved in the separation has been swift so say the least. From receiving notice from my ex's lawyer to seek counsel within the first month, to me filing for a custody order, and an order to deal with financial issues... it's been a quick year dealing with lawyers.

My ex had wanted to be divorced on the soonest date possible, and that could have been by the end of June. And here it is the end of September and I find myself stalling. I received the latest correspondence from my lawyer, trying to tie up the final straws in a "Consent Corollary Relief Judgement", about two weeks ago. It was like being hit in the face. The thought that the relationship that has lasted more than half my life, would officially be over is terrifying. Part of it is probably related to the fact that I'm having a lot of remorse about coming out (in the sense that my life with my wife was over).

I don't want to be divorced. I don't want my wife to be divorced. I don't want my son to have divorced parents. But one thing I remembered was a point I made to myself when debating whether or not to come out and that was the fact that I had cheated on my wife and didn't want to be a cheater. I didn't want to be that person and I was ashamed of my actions. She deserved better. I'm trying to hold onto that thought now to get me through this final legal step.

I'm a good Dad

I just skimmed some of my past entries, trying to gauge how far I have come in the last year. One thing that I had to work on, and continue to work on is being a good father. And I don't mean it's an ongoing struggle to be a good Dad, like it had been for me last year when I couldn't focus on real life. I mean it's a struggle I will always have, because I never want to stop improving. It's the career I chose to have and one I want to continually improve on.

Today is a great example of my life as a single Dad. I woke up an hour before my son. I had my shower, ironed my work clothes, made a fruit smoothie (after all you are what you eat...), and got my son up and ready. That included getting him dressed, fed, cleaned, teeth brushed and out the door for school. I drove him half an hour from my home to his preschool and waited to speak with his teacher and kissed him goodbye. I then jumped on the highway back to the city to work. Put in a full day and back out of the city to pick up my son from the ex-mother-in-law.

We got in the door, and I set him up with his favorite vintage cartoon, while I made not one but two suppers, because he changed his mind and refused to eat the fish I made him. His eating patterns have been a struggle because he is picky, so I have learned to make a few things if I need to, to ensure he gets a full belly. After supper we read a book, played a game and he pulled every toy out of his toy box. Then when it was bath time, we picked up the toys (without me having to ask for help), I ran his bath and then did dishes while he played in the water (for the record I can see the tub from the kitchen sink). Hair washed, fingernails cut, Q-tips used to clean the ears. Then another couple of episodes of the cartoon and then snuggle time in bed.

I love him. He loves me. His Mom is still currently his favorite, and part of that makes me jealous, but I look at how he is comfortable with me, and plays jokes on me and wants to snuggle and I realize that I'm doing a good job.

Is there room for improvement? Sure... but it's getting better. We have made a lot of great memories this year. From going to many new playgrounds, to beaches, to kayaking, to camping, to Canada's Wonderland, to airplane trips, to farms... we do simple life-enriching things. I am a Dad who will be loved by his son.

When worlds collide

It's a strange thing when you transition from living a double-life to a life as a quasi-openly gay man. I say quasi because most people know or have heard through the grapevine, but it's not something I tell people upon meeting them.


Anyway... like I said, it's a strange thing when you transition from having this part of your life be in your private thoughts and private experiences into being part of your regular life. It hit me in the face a few months ago, when I was hanging out with J. We were having supper after having hit the gym together and we had been playing a bit of a game where we had to share sexual experiences we had had in the past.


The game was titillating and allowed me to realize that the sexual world was wide open for me to experience. So it was J's turn to tell a story and he shares how he once had an experience with two guys he was friends with. They were dating and had a relationship where they welcomed select guys into bed with them to spice things up.


As he's telling the story a smile escapes and he stares right at me. I think initially he thought I was judging him in some way, but instead I ask if one of the guys has a tattoo. I describe the tattoo and the placement and this time he stares at me in silence. Then he's on his iPhone pulling up pics on facebook. Asking me if this was the guy I spoke of... and indeed it was.


Turns out I had met the same couple just last fall and had a similar experience with them. It was late at night. I was living alone. And I was on http://www.gay.com/ looking to see what kind of guys were around on a Saturday night.

Now, before you assume that the guys are maybe a couple of old trolls and I was in a moment of desperation, let me assure you that the guys are both in their twenties, good looking with careers to be proud of. They just happen to add a little new energy to their relationship from time to time, when someone of their taste is available.


So flash forward a few months after that conversation and BAM, I run into J out with the guys, and some other friends and suddenly my two worlds have collided. And now we are on first name basis and the option is there to join them again. Wow... head rush!

Made my bed... now time to get comfy in it?

In the mental process I put myself through, contemplating going back to a married life with my wife, I think of those things that I would probably sacrifice that I have learned to enjoy in my new life. Those things include:

The new friends I have made
The friendship with Him
The life of a single man, who can go out for drinks if friends are going, without considering others feelings or plans
The feeling of fitting in with my peers
My gold stilettos (haha… just making sure you’re still paying attention)
An exciting sex life.

But is there a way we could, with a lot of couples therapy, incorporate most of those things into our marriage?

Surely, she would get along with my new friends if they were just friends. My ex has never really had an issue with any of my friends over the years. Actually, come to think of it, there were a limited number of friends I introduced to our relationship, because I never really had the confidence to make friends… something that seemed to spark when I came out. And Him, well he would be out of the picture obviously.

As for the life of a single man, and the exciting sex life, incorporating those would require a very open mind on her part. There would need to be open conversations on what was acceptable behavior on both of our parts. Could we reach a level of an open-relationship where neither of our feelings could get hurt? Probably an impossible feat.

I would have a long road of finishing things with Him before I could ever approach her about reconciliation but somewhere in my twisted brain all of this could work. I could have the best of both worlds. I could be fully me, and I could be a husband and father.

Is all of this really part of the grieving process or is this me telling myself what will make me happy and I should follow that path?Or what if Him was out of the picture… would my ex and I be able to get back to friendship or even BFF status? I know he is a big issue for her. If he was gone, would that make things better?

Or would all of this just make my ex need more therapy, and hurt her self-esteem, and maybe we would end up in this exact same position again?This is probably a clear case of you made your bed and now you have to sleep in it… but I can’t help but wonder… and in some small way plan it out in my head.

Pros of being gay

So I guess lately a reader might think that I am quite negative about being gay, and personally I think of myself as being a very positive person... I am just getting overwhelmed at times in how much I miss my old life. And for that reason I thought it was important I write a positive entry on coming out and being gay... and what better than a bit of a pro list of coming out...

Pros

• I get to have a sex life that is much improved... since I'm having it with men
• I feel like I can completely be myself
• I have made new friends that support me for who I am
• I have a new sense of independence in that I'm not known as part of a couple, but as an individual
• I have realized that I am appealing to people and that people think I'm a catch
• I have learned who my true friends are
• I have learned my own strength
• Head IS better from a guy... it's not just a myth
• I can go to places and events that were typically only frequented by homos

There's a small list... I'm sure it will continue to grow as I find my bearings more clearly. I will make it through, I just still need to mourn the loss of a relationship that I was involved in for the better part of my life.

I must be completely crazy

I really must be crazy. I am thinking in my head about what would happen if I begged my wife to take me back. To forget the last year and a half. Forget all the distance that came between us. The hurtful things we both said. The damage that has been done to my image of her family for their attempts to keep my son from me, and in some twisted way they were trying to protect their daughter.

And what would she say? Would she really say that she would take me back and we would go back to building a home and family? Would she just be happy to have her best friend back? Would she want to have that second child we had tried for, prior to the world coming crashing down?And what would we say to the rest of the world? I know my family would be okay. My Mom wanted me to find a way to work it out instead of breaking up. My sister would be disappointed because she’d be afraid that she would lose her brother again, but that is manageable. But what would her family say? Would I ever be welcome again to Sunday dinner? And do I really care? Of the whole family, I can say I miss one brother. He was like my own blood and I would do anything for him. We considered ourselves brother and surely he’d be okay with me being back.

And our friends? Well I could look at it like those friend who wrote me off when I came out to my wife… if they are truly our friends they want us to be happy over anything else and would get over it.

I want it all back. Someone needs to walk over to my desk right now and slap me back into the painful reality that those things are forever out of my reach… but that might not even wake me up. Every cell in my body wants my family back, and because of that I’m in this limbo state.

I can’t move forward with Him because I don’t want to. I want to move backward. But if I tell Him how I feel then he will be hurt and any chance that he is the one will be ruined.

A year and a half later and I want to run back into her arms.

Marital problems

I think a year of separation makes you forget some of the struggles you had in your relationship. At least in my case it does. I know we had rough patches but now they don’t seem like there is any way they could have been that bad. Could they have really been so bad that I threw caution to the wind and changed all of our lives?

I’m thinking back right now and here are a few things that come to mind, about struggles that we had when we were the clichéd happily married couple.

Money – the root of a lot of evil for many couples. Our struggle with money was about the little things… the needless spending (in my mind) on things like a daily coffee or trips to the Dollar Store and Walmart for junk we didn’t need.

Mental Stability – I feel like an ass discussing this, but one major struggle that was in our marriage was the depression my wife slipped into prior to us getting married. It was a struggle because it was never something I understood. I assumed that some of her symptoms were selective to an extent and that she just didn’t want to interact publicly as much, or want to work outside of the home.

I didn’t understand why someone could let themselves go. Why health went on the back burner, including weight. Why she allowed herself to be medicated instead of seeking alternate ways to get through the slump I assumed she was in. I would ask why she was depressed and never got a straight answer. I asked if she asked about other things she should do, like more exercise, more or less naps, meditation, reading, anything other than just taking tiny pills and never getting better.

And here we are at least six years later and she is still on the same medication, if not more. There are new doctors who have made some bold statements but have not been able to help her get off the medication. A medication which, when I spoke about it with a pharmacist, I was told no one should be on for the long term.

An issue I also had with the depression and resulting, regular therapy sessions was the fact that I never was told what was causing her the depression. In our last six months together I gave up trying to find out. I stopped asking her what else we could do together to help her feel better.

I still don’t understand depression. And I feel bad for discounting it over the years; it’s a regret I will always have.

Maintaining a home – Another issue I had with our relationship was the uneven burden of maintaining our home. The endless hours I spent cleaning, while she read books or was out with friends, or watching re-runs on tv. I know part of that is related to the depression noted above, but I believe part of it was that I did so much, so she knew it would get done whether she did it or not. This is an issue she admitted to and at times did make attempts to balance out the burden, but it is something I did because it needed to be done, just like my Mom did for all of those years of her marriage.

I will admit, I had my faults too, but these were my three main struggles that I couldn’t always get past. These are the fights I would rather be having now, than feeling like none of us will ever be as happy as we once were.

I am a loser who threw our lives upside down. Someone who probably caused a lot more therapy sessions and prescriptions. Someone who hurt someone so deeply she will never really forgive me.

I’d give anything to wake up from this dream.

Did I make the biggest mistake of my life?

I’m sitting at work and had an overwhelming feeling that I have done just that. It feels like nausea, panic and sadness all in one wave of emotion. I seem to get this wave more often lately.

It started with realizations that my life is forever changed, at random times. Sometimes it would be in the shower, or in bed just as I was fading into sleep. Those thoughts where I would tell myself that this wasn’t a phase in my relationship with my wife. That in fact we would never have a home together again. We wouldn’t grow old together. We won’t have any more children. We wouldn’t travel to those dream destinations as a family.

I have had those thoughts since the day I noticed my wife dropped papers by the front door of our home, from her lawyer, stating I had better seek counsel. I didn’t know that she had even placed it there, but I saw this envelope addressed to me as I closed the door and my heart sunk. This was happening.

I think my coping mechanisms kicked in about that time and numbed me a bit. I went into a zone where certain periods of time I could control my emotion and turn stone-faced. These periods would often be when I had to deal face-to-face with my wife. I would somehow control the muscles in my face to not show any sadness or hurt. It was something she would point out to me, but she reacted to it by assuming that I didn’t care.

I think that mechanism is relaxing and allowing the rest of reality set in. The part where I am slowly realizing that this is my new reality and how discontent I am with it.

Perhaps this is why I haven’t cared so much for Him lately. That I could easily shut that relationship off because I’m not as fulfilled as I was with my wife. That even though a part of me was missing a lot of my life was full. I had a routine and a partner to share every thought with. Someone I could trust. Someone who knew my family and allowed me to be part of theirs, one I wanted to be a part of. Someone who shared the same dreams as I did for a family and home. And what he wants is so different. From where he wants to live, to his thoughts on children and the constant turmoil his family seems to be in.

I spent the morning with my ex and my son yesterday. It was an abnormal occurrence and one that had me fighting tears at most points, and constantly having my emotions barely held back. It was very normal, in the sense that we both were conscious of what we talked about, none of which was related to the split-up. We were together for one of my son’s sporting practices, and it almost felt right.

I wanted to email her today and tell her how nice it was to spend the time with both of them, but I’m afraid of the emotion it may unleash on her at work. I have a heavy heart right now.

I wonder why our marriage couldn’t work with me being gay. I mean, I know the obvious parts, but I’m brought back to the pride parade in the city this year, where there was a young couple walking through the streets and the female held a placard that read “I love my transgender husband.” What is it in our culture that requires that a hetro woman and hetro man be married for it to be considered acceptable? Sure there are groups of individuals in our society who feel that two homos can marry, but I think the majority still view it as unacceptable. I wonder how long it will be that marriage can be a commitment between two people to love and care for each other, with no other stipulations.

I think if I lived further in the future I would have been able to stay married. That I would have been able to explain to my wife the part of me that was missing and find a way to incorporate it into our lives in a natural way.

She was my best friend. Someone I loved to live life with and because I exposed a part of myself I had to give all of those years of my past, and all the years I had planned for the future up.
And I know the journey for her is even harder mentally. I am not trying to discount that. I just really want it all back. That picture perfect life is hard to give up

Just a quick thought on my drive to work

So this year, I started a new job and with that new job came new working hours. Hours that allow me to drop my son off at preschool on those days I am fortunate enough to have him in the morning.

We talk the whole drive to his school about what he might do that day, and if he made any new friends, etc. on his first day of class. I get to the doors and walk with the other parents, find his name tag and wait in line to sign him in and inform them who will be picking him up at the end of the day. I also get a chance to talk to his teacher and she comments on how outgoing he was on his first day, which is light years ahead of last year.

I am loving the fact that this year I will have a more active roll in my son's school. That I can have the interaction and get newsletters, etc. Last year I had to ask every month if there was anything new and usually got no for an answer, and it wasn't until May that I finally saw a book order. Not this year. I will be the one who can ask the school directly and attain the information first hand. Instead of it filtered through my ex-mother-in-law and then ex-wife.

And as if all of that wasn't a gift in itself, I realized on the drive to work that that is at least one less day a week I have to see the mother-in-law's haggard face. Yahoo!!!

Wishlist... custody

A few things I wish that I had been more diligent about or didn't give up on during the drafting of the court order for access/custody of my son...

I wish I had not settled for less than 50%. From the day she moved out of the house and took my son with her, I told her I would not settle for less than 50% of his time. Part of that thought could be looked at as me being selfish, but my goal was for him to have maximum time with each qualified, active and loving parent. We were both good parents. He benefited from interacting with each of us, why wouldn't 50/50 work?

For those Dads like me, who ache for their children when they are not around, a 50/50 arrangement can work. I drive an extra hour every trip to get him or drop him off before and after work and it's all worth it. My best days are the ones I have him with me.

I had also sought the advice of a child psychologist before filing for court to see what was best for my son, given the relationship he had had with both parents when we were married and she said to stay as close to his normal routine as possible, which would be 50/50. It fell on deaf ears with my ex. I offered for her to go talk to the psychologist too and she refused. I did what I saw best for him.

I ended up settling for taking 3 of every 7 days. That's pretty close to 50/50 but still thrown in my face whenever the opportunity arises. In fact today she said that she still thinks he should be in one bed every night. Even though it's not realistic, she feels that would be more beneficial than the arrangement we have now.

I also wish that I had stipulated that I not be the only one to drop him off. That was thrown in my face yesterday.

I agreed to that because I felt that it was not a point worthy of arguing over, because I will do anything for my son. I would pick him up at the north pole if she got re-married to Santa Claus, because I love the time with him.

Sure it's inconvenient, and I had to face her hateful family during transition times, but I made a point to not be intimidated. I have always removed my sunglasses and looked them in the eye. Why? Because my son should not be forced to endure adults being childless. Unfortunately, her family cannot see things the same way. Here it is a year and a half later and I still can't get a hello, or a comment about his day. NOTHING. And not that I care to talk, but I think for my son, it would show a healthy relationship that people can have because he is that important in all of our lives.

I also wish that I had made sure that it was clearly written in stone that I get one full week with him every year, at my choosing for vacations. I had to beg to have what ended up being less than a week for him to spend with my Mother in the country. And even then, I had to sacrifice other days of my regular schedule to get her to agree. Or the five days I took him to visit my Sister out of province. It was like pulling teeth. But did I put up a fight when she wanted to take him out of the country for the second year in a row for a full week? No. In fact I handed her spending money, so he could buy a few tourist items to remember the trip with her family.

And one of the last things, I wish I had been more diligent about, was a thing called the right of first refusal. I spoke with my lawyer about it, and thought that we had included it, but it probably got lost in the million revisions my ex's douche of a lawyer requested. It is where there's an instance where it's technically my ex's time, but she is not able to be with my son, for whatever reason... be it a work commitment or a date or whatever else she might get up to in the future and I have the right to have him for that period of time, over him being with a babysitter or some other caregiver. And I have the right to refuse it before he is given to any caregiver, but I doubt I ever would.

So there's my wishlist. Things to think about while you are fighting for the right to see your children. I have said it before, if you are ever in my situation, get a good lawyer.

I think the spam about beasteality is more heart-warming than my ex's email.

Here is an email I received from the ex. The only things I have changed is I removed my son's name. The pain felt is obvious and apparently I will deal with stuff like this for many years to come as new triggers are brought to the surface....

I’m sending this to your hotmail account, because I don’t want to upset you at work. But at the same time after all that has gone on in this least 1.5 years, I think I have the right to get some things off my chest.

It KILLS me that you are camping this weekend with [our son] without me. That is something that we had always talked about doing as a family…and you ruined that. You have squashed a lot of my dreams and plans that even now, a year and a half later, new things come up and I’m just as hurt as I was in June 2008. I can’t say you ruined my life, because this would only ruin my life if I allowed that to happen…and I refuse to let that happen. What I am saying is that you took away the future I was looking forward to. The future that WE always dreamed of and the future I deserved to have. Now my future is unknown. I know it will be great, because [our son] and I will make it great, but it’s not what we had planned for 12 years.

I still think that you have NO idea what you have done to me, what I’ve been through and how I hurt. I think you need to know. I think the tears I’ve cried and continue to cry as we speak could fill the ocean. And that is NOT fair! It’s not what I deserved when I married you and we promised to be together forever. I still don’t know why you did it. When you said those words at the wedding did you not think that it was wrong considering all things? When you decided to pretend your way through that life, did you not think about what it could possibly do to the one you “loved” and your future children? I just now think that I was USED so you could TRY the “normal” life. You got the child that you always wanted... So I guess you got what you wanted and you’ll move on and have a life. Good for you.

You have no idea what you’ve put me through!

I'd sign the divorce papers today... no hesitation

It's days like today where she can provoke so much anger in me. The last year and couple of months for her have been about winning. It has not been about doing what is right for our son, or doing what is right ethically, it's been about winning some secret contest she feels we are in.

This last week I have had my family in town, staying with me. They arrived Tuesday and Wednesday, and since "my weekend" does not start until Friday I thought I had better not ask for any extra time. I didn't think it was worth any challenging conversation.

Since I was off all day Friday, I had my son early in the morning and we went camping for the weekend. Normally, my ex would get him back at supper time on Sunday. She asked if she could have him all afternoon Sunday for the celebration of an older family member's birthday, then I could have him back for supper and half of today, since it's a holiday. I agreed, because my stance has ALWAYS been that William should not miss out on family events.

I text messaged her this morning, her favorite method to deal with things, instead of talking, and got no response. I had asked if she had plans or if there was some flexibility so he could have lunch with my family, rather than drop him off at noon. I get no response. So shortly after 11:30 I call her phone and get no answer. I leave a message asking her if he can stay for lunch and I would drop him back.

Finally, she calls back and attacks me for asking for more time. She's gone all weekend without him and now I'm asking for more time when she has plans for them. I say okay then, come get him and point out the fact that I'm always flexible with her and do things so he doesn't miss out on family events. Of course she won't acknowledge the facts and continues to try and make me feel bad for even asking. And she points out that the court papers on custody point out that I am dropping him off.

I don't have the energy and say I'll take him back but she finally says she's on her way and I let her go before it can get any worse. I choke back my tears and start to change him and brush his teeth so he'll be ready.

I really can't believe what just happened. I can't believe how much I wanted to yell and make her see my points, but what good does it do? None.

And now he's gone. He's with his Mom and is surely feeling her love while I'm here fighting tears and not wanting to interact with the family I don't see often enough.

And all this happens after I get a heated email from her about the fact I was taking him camping. I will post that in another post, along with my response.

So much hate directed at me. I guess to a degree she is justified, but when she's trying to get her way, over her son's life being enriched, I don't agree with it. If there were divorce papers in front of me right now, I'd sign it all away.

Being the bigger person.

So often in conversations between Him and me, I get a lot of flack for trying to be the bigger person with my Ex. Today is a prime example. There is an event coming up that involves our son being showcased. The event requires tickets and those tickets are in high demand.

Trying to be a good father, and friend to my ex, I offer to pick up a ticket for her and she can pay me back. She doesn’t really thank me for the offer but asks that I pick up two tickets so that she can take someone with her. Now I don’t need recognition from her to say I’m doing the right thing because I am doing it for my boy. The child who deserves both of his parents to be full participants in his life and feel all the attention and love he deserves.

Due to technical difficulties and my work schedule, I am unable to get the tickets as soon as they go on sale. I speak with Him about it and explain my fear that the tickets will be sold out and we won’t have the chance to go. He offers to run to a location that will undoubtedly be able to sell tickets. In that conversation I thank him and ask him to pick up six tickets. Two of said tickets are for my ex and someone else of her choosing.

Now, on a side note, I should point out that during an event at my son’s school I showed up just as the event was about to start and after getting a text from my ex about whether I was there yet or not, I enter the building and look for my ex. Every other event at the school we have sat together as a united front for our son, even when we could barely talk to each other. We put smiles on and dealt with it. This event, the last of the school year, I walk into the room full of adults to see that my ex, her mother, and some random cousins and aunts and uncles were all sitting in the front row and not an empty seat left for me. It crushed me, not so much because of the fact that I was no longer a member of her family – which does hurt, but because my son would see her and her mother in the front row and he might not see me standing to the side of the room proudly taking pictures and hoping for a smile or wave. Finally after standing by myself and trying to hide the emotion of it all, a former high school friend of my ex-wife waved me over and offered me a seat next to her near the back of the room.

Anyway, back to today’s event’s… I have had some email exchanges with my ex confirming that I had been able to get her two tickets. She asked the price and time and I didn’t know, because I hadn’t been successful in my attempts to purchase them myself. I immediately text Him to find out. I don’t want to tell her who bought them, because it might hurt her, but I end up telling her I had someone else pick them up due to my difficulties.

Finally about an hour later I get a call from Him. He doesn’t know details, he just paid and threw them in the car. He then goes on to ask why I had offered to pick up her tickets, because remember the time at his school when there wasn’t a seat saved for you? And you had to go by yourself? Remember that? And why do I have to be so nice to her, she’s capable of picking up tickets and if she couldn’t get them, then too bad.
I shoot back that someone has to be the bigger person. Someone has to make things for our son easier and it’s me. That I’m the one that may be up against a wall, but I will do whatever I need to make sure that life is easier for my son. And that he needs both of his parents to be fully involved.

He doesn’t understand, and I am okay with it to a point, because I wanted him to remind me of how much she hurt me too (when I was in my darkest days). But why is everyone so petty?
Don’t get me wrong, I am stubborn, one of the traits I clearly got from my father, but for me the world revolves around my son and sometimes I have to be the one to shield him for the bitter world that revolves around him.

I think that I got my point across to Him. He backed down a bit and he does have a valid point to a degree, but this is my life, and this is my son’s life. If it can be easier in any way I am willing to try.

I regret that I came out

I feel like I am definitely in a transition. My mind is constantly playing thoughts in the back of my mind that creep to the forefront trying to give me the same message over and over. The problem is that message doesn’t exactly seem to be plausible in reality.

I regret the choice I made to come out to my wife. Sure I have enjoyed the freedom of single life to a degree. I have enjoyed not really having to answer to anyone when I didn’t want to. I enjoyed going out for drinks on the weekends I didn’t have my son and being that careless man who didn’t have to worry about what she would think. But the feeling that I am missing out on so many memories with my son is overwhelming and one I will always regret. The problem is that after coming out I felt whole. I felt like the complete person I had always been in my head, but part of that person was always hidden from the outside world. I had the straight me, which I projected to everyone in my daily life. I was always somewhat aware of my actions or words. When I came out I didn’t have to be aware and it felt great. It was intoxicating and I think that intoxicating feeling of being the whole me was what made me brave enough to say the words.

I have always been a planner. I have always been someone who thinks out all scenarios but I guess I wasn’t complete in thinking this through. I didn’t really think about how much I would miss my son, wife and in-laws. I know I have a great arrangement with regards to custody, but it’s still not good enough for me. I want him all the time.

And did I just say that I miss my wife and in-laws? After all the fighting, legal battles, threats to call the police on me when they didn’t feel it was my night to keep my son, the dirty looks and intimidation tactics? Yes. I miss everyone one of them. Why? Because they were my family. Because they were part of my memories and are so important in the life of my son and ex-wife.

I feel like I am on the verge of sitting my ex-wife down and talking to her about this. I want to lay my feelings out and be vulnerable and get my life back, to some degree. And this is probably why I am having overwhelming feelings of doubt with Him. That if he got annoyed enough with me and left it would be easier than for me to make a decision to end things. Our relationship has been getting worse, and between you and me, it doesn’t really bother me. In fact, I almost feel like it would be a relief. I don’t feel like I get the respect I deserve from Him at times, and it’s happened enough that I have hardened to a certain extent.

At this point, I’m just going to ride the wave a bit longer. I am going to just let life continue on the track I am on and not try and steer it into any certain direction. I just know that I’m not content and know a change will come; I just don’t know what the change will be.

If anyone out there is reading this and is thinking of having a talk to your wife about your orientation, please feel free to ask me questions. I’m over a year into the experience and am not as settled as I expected I would be.

Divorce thoughts.

I grew up in a home with married parents. There were no step parents, not step-siblings, just the regular nuclear family. When I proposed to my wife I expected the same life. One where the husband and wife were committed to each other for the rest of their lives, and had children and raised them together and have some picture perfect moments.

A lot of that outlook on adulthood, was no doubt the result of my environment and media. It wasn't just my upbringing because my parents did not have the ideal marriage. My Dad was the ruler of the home and we all had to follow or hell would break loose. There were nights where my sister and I were woken up to the sound of a yelling match between my parents. There were years of my life where I wish my parents would get divorced. But it never happened.

I NEVER thought I would ever get divorced. I never thought I'd have an end to that relationship. And here I am a year later, still spinning from the thought that I would be divorced. I would be a statistic. That my son would not be raised with two parents in one home.

I have to wonder how different divorce would be for someone with no children. Without much doubt, I can say it has got to be a lot easier. Sure the pain of losing your best friend and everything that is familiar is hard and seems unbearable. But you can also leave that relationship knowing you never have to deal with that person again. You don't have to talk to them on a regular basis. You don't have to always wonder what they might be up to.

If I had no son in the mix, I would have left this city and started up a new life. Surrounded myself with all things unfamiliar. A new city, a new job and new friends. It would surely be an adventure instead of feeling completely lost in the world you once knew every corner of.

I had an email disagreement with the ex today. I so badly wanted to say that I had made the biggest mistake of my life and wanted a do-over. But I can't. I'm gay. And too much damage has been done. Life is more familiar and I have a good circle of friends... but it's not what I grew up expecting my life to be like... and that's a hard pill to swallow.

Gay-away opened my eyes

I never did share any information about my Gay-away a couple of months ago. I have been meaning to make this post since I got home, so there's no time like the present.

Montreal has a great gay village, and was the first village I stepped into. It was odd to see so many gay flags, and groups of gay men having dinner on patios, and laughing and being carefree, while alongside families. Where I'm from I am beginning to notice more gay couples being open, and even saw two early twenties guys walking through a neighborhood that I would consider kind of ghetto, holding hands without watching for any reactions.

The wild nights started with me heading out to a club to have some drinks and dance. After a while I insisted that we head to the village to go to one of the bigger gay clubs. A select group decided to join me but wanted to go to a male strip club first.

The male strip club wasn't exactly what I expected. I have gone to straight clubs before and it did nothing for me. I can see the beauty in a woman's body, but felt they were being exploited. The male club on the other hand was right up my alley, in the fact that the guys were young, and good looking and well groomed. I was probably drooling at one point.

I was a little surprised to see them making little money during the open show and hope they were raking it in during the private shows. I heard there is contact allowed in Montreal and I'm not sure what that entails but it could be hot... but not a lifestyle someone could probably endure for very long.

I joked that once I got my body fat down to 0%, I'd be heading up for amateur night. In the back of my mind I am not against it... and I could use the extra cash to pay off my wife's debts, but I know it's not ever going to happen.

Then from there we headed to the gay club. It was packed and sweaty and there were so many good looking topless guys around. Oh did I mention that NO ONE in Montreal is overweight? Everyone had a flat stomach, except me. I'm not bad... but not feeling like the shirt could come off any time soon in that city.

When the clubs closed we all headed out on the street and a couple of friends and I weren't ready to go home. One of my buddies was seemingly getting a handjob from a friend of his in an alley, and it could have progressed if his friends weren't waiting around for him. Sorry man. And after they were done... to who knows what degree... his buddy left and he was with us. We tried to find one of the "dark rooms" or "back rooms" or something where we could watch guys messing around, but to no luck. We settled for a peep show.

The peep show was sketchy. We paid $6 per person to get in and had access to a couple of theatres. We jumped back and forth a couple of times watching the show happening live in front of us. And after a while we whipped out our gear and jerked off. It was hot but who knows how hygienic. Needless to say I was aware what skin touched surfaces and those were kept to a minimum and cleaned very carefully.

And of course there were trips to check out sex shops and lots of flirting and checking out the guys. Montreal was definitely a freeing place to be. It made me comfortable and made me want to not sleep... because I might miss out on something new and fun. I will return.

I put on the ring.

So for weeks or maybe even a couple months I have been itching to put my wedding ring back on. Just to see how it felt. If it felt foreign, or if it felt as comfortable as it did when I was married.

The result is that it felt amazing. The smooth while gold slid down my knuckle and found the sweet spot on my ring finger it had always claimed. I looked at my hand and remembered what it looked like to always wear that ring.

I then left it on while I made supper for my son and myself. I left it on while washing dishes and cutting strawberries for dessert. I didn't want to take it off but when company was arriving I quickly removed it and put it back in the place I've kept it since moving.

I miss wearing it and I think maybe trying it on was a mistake because I want to do it again. I even thought about what people would think if I wore it on my opposite hand. But really, do I care what they think? The ring is mine. It's my hand. I can chose what I want... but I won't do anything without over-analysing responses.

Anyway... off to Montreal... ironically the first place I ever bought myself a ring... ironically while on a weekend away with my then girlfriend (ex-wife).

Gay-away

So with summer finally arriving (by calender date anyway... weather is not indicative) it's time to have some vacation to look forward to. Since I have family in Montreal and have never spent any amount of time in that great city my bf (if I can call Him that) and I will be venturing to Montreal for a Gay-Away.

We're staying with my family for the majority of time, but have also booked ourselves into a gay B&B in the village for a night. We have talked about things we want to do while in town and so far those items include going to Sky bar, shopping, eating a great restaurants, taking in a XXX movie, and checking out some sort of after-hours adult establishment. We're going to be adventurous since we're not in our own city. Heck, we even plan on enjoying the hot tub at the B&B with any other guests that want to join.

So stay tuned for details when I get back next week.

Can't get you off my mind

It's still a daily thought. I want my old life back. I want to have my son in my house everday. I want to tuck him in every night. I want to hear every laugh and be in every one of his memories. If I knew it would be this hard...

I also miss my wife terribly. I miss my best friend. I miss meals, family gatherings and having a partner who was predictable. And I mean that in a way like... I knew body language... she knew when I needed space or understanding. I miss our unspoken language.

I knew it would be hard. I knew things wouldn't be the same. I didn't know it would hurt this much. I didn't know I would mourn the idea of a "perfect family-life" for my son so much.

If you're thinking of doing what I did and coming out to your wife... think long and hard. Contact me and I'll share thoughts before you do. I wish I had had someone with experience to talk to.

Can't tell her what I feel

It's almost a year to the date that my ex moved out of the house. It's been a strange year, where I found myself in a new place professionally and personally. I have questioned every relationship I have. I have been to, what I believe, is the brink of insanity and back.

I have fostered new friendships and feel confident in who I am as a person. But that self confidence does not encompass how I feel about the choice I made to come out. I am not proud that I hurt my ex or my son, or any of the other family members who have been negatively effected by my choice to be open and honest.

I miss so many parts of my old life that it gets overwhelming. I can barely look at the Father's Day gift I received, because it makes me realize the huge chunks of my son's life that I miss out on. And for what? For sex? NO!

I think that is the part people don't understand. And maybe I didn't understand until I have gone through all of this transition. My choice to come out was NEVER about having a better sex life. It was about me being honest with myself and feeling comfortable in my own skin. I have always felt different than other guys I knew. It wasn't until I was close friends with gay men that I realized that I felt normal around them and didn't have to be self-conscious. It was a feeling I wanted everyday.

There are so many things I want to tell my ex, but I can't tell her what I feel. It would probably cause her to regress into sadness and anger. I can't tell her that I love and miss her desperately. That I feel like I made a huge mistake and want her back. I can't tell her that I heard a son last night about someone dying and the other person wanting to go with them, and that's how I still feel about her. That I still want to grow old next to her. That she's the best friend I have ever had.

I know she feels deceived and I can't take that back. I NEVER intentionally entered into any part of our relationship knowing this would happen, or knowing that I was really gay. I felt like every step felt right and was logical. It's not like I had been through it before to know something might not feel quite right.

I wish I could close my eyes and when I open them back up, I'd be in the master bedroom of our house with her next to me, and my son asleep in the room across the hall. I keep closing my eyes but it won't happen.

If I told her these feelings, I suspect she would want me back too... but I can't tell her what I feel.

Trying to set a deadline

So after a lot of thinking yesterday afternoon about the relationship I am in with Him, I have come to a conclusion.

He made a decision to end his previous relationship to be with me. He is trying hard to incorporate my child into his life, in a meaningful way. He is more affectionate and seems to want to take care of me. I can't just throw all of that away.

I also made myself think about what a breakup would mean. Having that loneliness again. Having no support from anyone who knows me so privately. Fighting or talking over and over again about why. I just don't have it in me.

So my conclusion is this. I am going to give it a few more months. Until September, to see how everything feels. If things don't improve or settle, then I am going to have to end it. Whether that means we can still be friends or not, I don't know, but I know I cannot stay in the spot I am at right now. I need to make myself happy, and sometimes that means taking a leap of faith and leaving the comfort of what is safe.

Time will tell I guess.

Cheated on.

I guess maybe I deserve to be in the place I'm in right now. I cheated on my wife with men, to discover my sexuality and developed a relationship in the process...that ultimately ended my marriage.

I'm not sure if I mentioned it before, or not, but I was cheated on by Him in January of this year. It was right after he broke up with his boyfriend of three years. It was shortly after they broke up and he was at his bf's place, and apparently one thing led to another... supposedly innocently.

Anyway... last night we got into a fight over a guy at a party making advances toward me. I declined them and he knew I did... but it was just the emotions he felt of someone advancing toward me. In that fight, I brought up this cheating thing, because honestly I can't get over it. I just can't.

In the fight different details came out... so I called him on it. He told me that they were just jerking off together in the ex-bf's bedroom...but previously he told me that the ex had pulled it out jerked off and that cum hit his (my bf's) face because his face was close... FUCKED UP!!

We fought and fought.

Today, I spent the day with my son and nephew (can I still call him that, if his parents hate me because of the divorce). It was a wonderful day that makes me proud to be called Dad. After which, I was supposed to meet Him and a friend for supper. On the way home I declined the invite and he asked why. I told him, I had a lot of thinking to do and wanted to be alone. He asked about what, and I told him. The conversation got pretty quiet. Once I got in the house I asked for some more details. He told me the first account was more accurate. That he was near the penis during orgasm and he ended up tasting cum. I asked him if he licked the ex-bf's penis and he did. HE DID!!!! FUCKED UP!!!!

I lost it. Almost hyper-ventilating while crying. He is on the phone apologizing, admitting it was a mistake but he wants only me... etc, etc. Nothing he could say would make me feel better in that moment.

I guess I deserve to feel what it's like to be cheated on. To quote my deceased father, "what goes around, comes around."

How do I get over this? Or should I want to?

Positive Thoughts.

I thought I'd document my positive thoughts lately.

I'm feeling good about myself. I have been eating better. Even when my son wanted chicken nuggets and french fries from Wendy's, I got a salad. That being said, I should probably say, that I'm not a 300lb gay man that only eats fast food and can't find love, cause I of a horrible outward appearance. I'm actually a good looking guy, who weight around 170lb. I am average for my height, but have been trying to focus more on my fitness and eating because I want to live a long healthy life, want to have a better body image and cause it makes me feel better.

My relationship with Him, has stabled out lately. Could be because there aren't really any other male influences being hung out with. On a side note... apparently his ex is now dating someone else. His reaction was better than I expected.

And while working on a project with a friend, I met four new gay males, that have all added me to facebook. Two of them, I believe were interested in me, which helps boost my confidence. And two of them were engaged... which gives me hope that I will be able to settle down with a hot guy and build a strong foundation with.

On the ex front. Things are calmed down quite a bit, in that we are aware and careful with each other's emotions. Legally, things still slowly tick along. She wants the divorce to take place ASAP but doesn't want to sign the court order for our financial items. My lawyer has guided me, and I trust her judgement, as always.

My son is always good. He's honestly the best son a man could ask for. Perfect.

So there it is. A quick glimpse of positivity in my life. It's not all bad one year in.

I think I want my old life back...

It seems since the day I told my wife, part of me has been wishing the words were never spoken. Well not just a part of me but the majority of me. I look around at my life a year after telling her I was gay and I barely recognize anything.

I live in my parent's empty house. When I don't have my son, it's just me. No pets, which is strange, cause surely by the gay handbook I should have a cat by now. I have a new job, I'm taking classes again to further my career. And honestly, what am I thinking... I don't think I can do this for another 30 years until retirement. I sleep with a man. I enjoy blowjobs. I am developing a circle of friends. My own friends. People who know I'm gay, that I feel comfortable around and like me for me, not because I'm my wife's husband.

I've spoken with my ex-wife-to-be, and seen her a lot lately. We've both been very good at not getting upset with each other. Shared concern for each other and listened to each other. It's hard that way, though. It's easier when we hate each other to be apart. But when we get along I miss her more. I need her more. I want it all back.

The friends and great sex-life are great. The self-esteem I have for myself is great. The being honest and open is great. But I had built a life with her, made a family with her and I had to throw it all away to get some good parts in my life.

I try and trick myself into not thinking about her, and my son, and the past life I had. But I miss it so much. I miss the comfort. I miss the friendship. I miss the laughs and the shoulder to cry on. I miss my family.

Someday I will be okay. I will continue to get stronger. I just need to get through this stage of doubt.

Full House

This past weekend I went from my normally empty house to a house filled past capacity. It all started because my sister came home for a visit and then my Mom and Grandmother showed up, and it was my weekend with my son. It was a full house and I enjoyed ever minute of it.

My sister was one of the first people I admitted being gay to. I don't think she even paused to give a second to how she responded. It was a non-issue and, for her, she could finally voice her opinion of my wife. Let's just say that she wasn't overly mean or anything, but just shared concerns that she had had.

So my sister and I took complete advantage of her being home. We spent as much time as we could together, had drinks and hung out with friends. Saturday night, we also took things to a new place for my sister. We had gone out for drinks and were having a good time. Part of my mind wondered whether she'd be down for going to a gay bar, after having cocktails at another bar in the city, that plays the best music mix ever. So when closing time was arriving at the first bar, I asked if she'd be into dancing at one of the gay bars in the city. Again, she didn't hesitate.

Part of me has wondered, for longer than I could admit to myself that I was gay, whether she was a lesbian. And part of me hoped that a lesbian would hit on my sister and I'd find out. But that didn't happen. We did dance for hours, and she met my new friend, J (not sure that I've assigned him a name or initial yet).

Then we went to an old haunt for some eats before getting home while the birds were singing and the sun was well on it's way to being up.

It was great. We were both over-tired yesterday, but having my sister home and having a weekend we would have had years ago when we were both living in the same city was great.

PS. Oh and going to the gay bar is great for the self-esteem. I don't get hit on, but generally speaking, I'm fortunate enough to get eye contact or stares from the more attractive guys in the crowd. Part of it could be me being considered "new meat"... but I'll take it.

Ok, I'm gay, guess I have to mention Prop 8

Okay, so I'm no expert in Prop 8, I just know that it's holding back the right of gay men and women from being able to legally marry in California. I have a couple of points to make about this, and then I'm pretty much done, unless someone had a question about my opinion, then by all means leave a comment and I'll respond.

My thought about this whole issue, is that I find this as hard to understand as nuclear physics. I don't understand how any human can look at another and say, nope sorry, you can't make a legal commitment to another person of your gender because it's wrong. It's wrong that you love another man.

So many "straight" people say that homosexuals are promiscuous. If that is the general consensus, then shouldn't the "straight" population be ecstatic that two gay people actually want to make a real commitment to each other and say nope... no more hookups for me?

And having been giving a religious foundation as a child, I understand one's commitment to their church and religion. I understand many religious people believe marriage should only be between a man and a woman. And I'm not asking those people to allow gay men and women to marry in their churches, or change their religion to allow the marriage to be recognized. I'm asking those people to look at how that marriage would affect their life. Would there be a change? Would the earth start to turn in the opposite direction or turn into a giant disco ball? NOPE.

I know that here in Canada a legal gay marriage can happen. I even know in some provinces, if not all, a gay family or even just a gay individual can adopt a child. And chaos has not broken out in this country. There are no wars of "straights" versus "gays". There are families being formed.

I think 50 years from now people will look back at Prop 8 and ask why Californian hated so much. It's not like gay men and women are in hiding in California, like the would in a less liberal country. It's not like it's a disease. I look at this issue like I look at the past when women were not considered human enough to vote or work outside the home. I look at this issue like African descendants here in North America not having any rights. It was wrong then and it's wrong now. We're all human and it's about nothing but love and commitment.

PS. Straight people aren't successful at marriage most of the time either.